Unhappy

[Melissa1983]

I was wanting your girls and guys advice..

I'm not happy in my marriage.. I feel that i am only here for the girls.

I don't know if i have the guts to pack up and leave or just stick around for the girls.. Ben is good with the girls, but lately he has been losing his temper with the girls and yells at them all the time. I know i yell at them but not all the time.. I have them 24/7 for the past 6 months. The girls don't sleep through and this morning he just starting yelling at Mikayla. Sometimes when i ask him questions he jumps down my thoart.. I feel like i don't love him anymore.

If you were in my shoes would you leave? I'm also worried about loans that we have together. I can't afford to pay everything myself, and i am worried he will stop paying like he has before we were together. I'm just so confused!

[angcaltam]

You have to think of what is best for you and the girls. If you don't love him anymore then there is no reason to stay with him. It isn't good for the girls to have him yelling at them all the time. If I were you I would talk to Ben and tell him that you are not going to put up with it anymore and ask if he is going to change. I had to do this with DH and things have been so much better since, we hardly fight and he only yells at the kids when they really need it.
I hope this has helped in some way. Keep us posted on how you are going.
Thinking of you.

[the_queen]

Would he agree to go to counselling with you? Sometimes a man expresses anger when he's really feeling something else - something he might be too embarrassed or afraid to talk about. Men (in general) aren't as "in touch" with their emotions as we women. Sometimes all it takes is a neutral party being the "go-between" to help you talk things through.
With my DH, I found that a male counsellor seemed to get through to him better than a female one.

Good luck matey, keep yourself strong. :)

[Melissa1983]

Katherine

I have spoken to him about his moods before.. He reckons there is nothing wrong and he doesn't think he is being moody.. I have tired to talk to him before about me leaving and taking the girls up to Townsville.

I have tried telling him, how about we separte for awhile and i moved to townsville, and see how things go. He wants to get out of the Navy but he can't for another 4 years. I told him i'm not made out for the defence. I can't handle not having family around. What makes things worse, he might be going out to sea for at least 3 months, that means i have to drop the girls off at daycare at 7, drive an hour to work be there to 5:30, and drive home and pick the girls up which will be about 6, 6:30, cook dinner and get them ready for bed.. At least in Townsville i will have support! Not like here..

[Peaceangels]

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way Mel ((hugs)).

I don't really have much advice to offer, but please try and work at saving your marriage before you walk away from it.

You say you have tried talking, maybe try writing him a letter about how you really feel (sometimes easier than saying things face to face).

Have you tried marriage counselling to work things out - just a suggestion, only you know in your heart what is best for you and the girls.

Instead of separating, maybe just take a holiday to see your family.

I really hope things work out for you, look after yourself.

xx

[WeThree]

I only can go on the info you have provided here, but it sounds to me like there is hope for your marriage yet :)
When our kids are little, and they demand so much of our time, and dh is working lots etc, it is easy to lose that feeling of closeness and intimacy. The day to day routine can get really boring and frustrating, and sometimes the only time we talk to our dh is when we are taking out our frustrations on them, or them on us!! or arguing about the kids.
you and your dh really need to try and start making some time alon just for the 2 of you, even if it is only a few hrs a week. share ameal after hte girls have gone to bed, talk about things other than the kids, watch a movie, give each other a massage, have sex, etc, etc. it is usually pretty easy to reclaim some of that lovey dovey feeling, we just have to make some effort. my dh and i always try to be nice to each other and look after each other, even little things like mentioning that i noticed he swept the floor, or bringing him a cup of tea in bed in the morning (i got one this morning!) all help in making sure our relationship stays on track, otherwise we quickly find that all we seem to do is argue!!
I have a little thing i always say to myself and its this ' is this how i would talk to a friend/work colleague etc?' and i also remind dh of it as well. if i wouldnt talk to someone i dont know nearly as well in that way, then no way should i speak to my life partner like it, and same goes for him. :)
Like i said, i dont know your whole story, only what you wrote here, so i cant possibly know what is going on, but maybe some give and take from both of you, a good talk about where you both stand in regards to disciplining the children, and a night/weekend alone might make a big difference.?
good luck with whatever you decide :)
xxx

[lil monkey]

Hey Mel,

is there any chance you can go and work in townsville when he is away for 3 months? i know youa re about to start a new job so they probably won't give you time off for a holiday etc but if you have support in townsville and can do some work there, this will give you the time to see if you really miss each other or if the love has really gone on your side.

sounds like the girls are unsettled and not sleeping as they are picking up on what is going on - they are very clever and sense when there is something wrong. I know when DP and I are in a moody with each other, DD picks up and is really unsettled that day and night.

also sounds like your DH is yelling and carrying on as he is stressed and doesn't like the fact he has committed himself for 4 years and so he takes it out on all of you which isn't fair at all.

You have been feeling up and down for a while so maybe the time he is away is a good thing for you? Having kids is hard work and I know I would struggle as a single parent with everything you have to do in one day but you can't stay with someone because it's convenient coz in the end, not even that can hold a relationship together.

I am the same with my DP - no interest in the physical sense whatsoever but the reason being that I am still catching up from a year of broken sleep, had the stress of redundancy and finding another job, major family issues, illness and moving towns - all so much to deal with and I think you have been dealing with very similar things too!

[SweetSerenity]

Hey Mel...
BIG HUGS FOR YOU ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
I should be on msn tonight after i get petey to sleep if you want to chat!
I didnt know the probs were this serious :(
Remember im always here for you!
Love Nat xxx

[MilkOnTap]

Oh Mel... This is what you wanted to talk about last night but couldn't... I am going to PM you...

Love and Big Special Hugs - Ally

[Melissa1983]

Hey Mel,

is there any chance you can go and work in townsville when he is away for 3 months? i know youa re about to start a new job so they probably won't give you time off for a holiday etc but if you have support in townsville and can do some work there, this will give you the time to see if you really miss each other or if the love has really gone on your side.

sounds like the girls are unsettled and not sleeping as they are picking up on what is going on - they are very clever and sense when there is something wrong. I know when DP and I are in a moody with each other, DD picks up and is really unsettled that day and night.

also sounds like your DH is yelling and carrying on as he is stressed and doesn't like the fact he has committed himself for 4 years and so he takes it out on all of you which isn't fair at all.

You have been feeling up and down for a while so maybe the time he is away is a good thing for you? Having kids is hard work and I know I would struggle as a single parent with everything you have to do in one day but you can't stay with someone because it's convenient coz in the end, not even that can hold a relationship together.

I am the same with my DP - no interest in the physical sense whatsoever but the reason being that I am still catching up from a year of broken sleep, had the stress of redundancy and finding another job, major family issues, illness and moving towns - all so much to deal with and I think you have been dealing with very similar things too!

If i go to Townsville for that 3 months i know i wont come back. And also we have a cat so i would have to take her with me.. DHA will only move us once, so i will have to make the decision before hand. And i want to make it before i start this job on Tuesday, as it isn't fair on them to start and then to quit.

[MilkOnTap]

I called DHA about moving today too - they dont help much do they...?

The navy lifestyle... What did we get ourselves into...

[Foxy]

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I agree that there sounds like there is hope for you if you want to keep your marriage. In the end, you need to feel you have given 100%, then you can be happy with your decision to stay or go.

I think we all have times of frustration when we feel that things are not going how we want them to. What you really need to do is decide if you are feeling this way because of your circumstances - i.e. not in Townsville, away from support etc or is it because you do not love your DH in this way anymore.

Perhaps your DH does not realise the extent of your unhappiness, a good talk, or professional counselling will help you both decide what you want to do.


have a little thing i always say to myself and its this ' is this how i would talk to a friend/work colleague etc?' and i also remind DH of it as well.

Aah Coops, we do this as well!! Since we started, our communication has improved 100%, I cannot recommend this approach highly enough!! Sometimes it is easier to modify your own behaviour to effect the other person, rather than by criticising them etc. Kill 'em with kindness works in marriages to!

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you. :)

[lil monkey]

You need to do what deep down you know and feel is right for you and your girls...... think with your head and not with your heart - sometimes it has taken me years to do this but I do eventually make that decision and haven't looked back.

As for the job, no it isn't fair but what you are going through isn't fair either. they will find a replacement for you so don't feel any loyalty to them as yet! Sorry I am in the similar situation about to start a new job but not sure if I will and feel guilty as hell if I tell them no thanks now but I have been told that I have to do what is right for me !!

If you feel as if you have given 100% into this marriage and it still isn't working and there is nothing else you can do and you won't look back with any regrets later down the track then you know what to do.

[Melissa1983]

I called DHA about moving today too - they dont help much do they...?

The navy lifestyle... What did we get ourselves into...

DHA will only move you if your marriage breaksdown. And they will only move you the once, so if we got back together we will have to pay for the removal.

[Melissa1983]

As some of you know. I do suffer PND.. i feel that it is getting worse with all the stress from everything... I feel like i can't handle anything anymore.

[lil monkey]

i wish i lived over your way Mel so I could take the girls off you for a few days so you can take some time out for yourself and relax and do nothing if you wanted!

stress does bring it out more unfortunately - have you been to see a doctor for a chat?

Hang in there as you are doing so well and should be very proud of yourself - you have nabbed a brand new job which you haven't done before, you have been in hospital and recovered, you have brought in two beautiful daughters in this world and you are not afraid to ask for help! We are here to help you as much as we all can - we can't make decisions for you but we will support you and listen as much as you want!

Big hugs coming your way!!!! ;)

[mygirls]

hi there Mel,

Im really sorry about your situation... I agree with coops..do you think if you guys had some time out it would help? Yelling at the kids isn't nice:( but everyone has probably done it, but DH may only be doing this because of wrk stress? Is the only reason you guys are arguing is because of his job & your location?...being away from family (which must be REALLY hard:( ) i'm pretty sure that you can get counselling fromthe Navy...they deal with stress etc put on the family because a patner is in the defence force, this may help..if DH agrees to it.

There is always hope:) ... your still very young(22?) & you have 2 beautiful girls who love you...maybe you can make it work? Counselling will help you guys a lot. Anyway just my thoughts...sending all (((hugs)))....

Kristy

[Melissa1983]

Hey
Thanks for your help. I spoke to DH and he is going to try and be more pleasent around the house. He thinks its alot to do with finances and that we don't have time for us, so we are going to get someone to look after the girls one night and go out for dinner and movies...

See how we go..

Thanks coops for your advice, it helped me work things out for myself.

[Ky]

Hi Mel

Thanks for meeting up today ... it was so good to finally meet you and see your beautiful girls ... they truely are abolutely adorable.

Feel free to call and just talk ... I am a pretty good listener - don't always have advice, but will listen and am good at keeping things quiet if need be. Also, if you can stand finding me as I am(messy house, feral children etc), feel free to just drop in for a cuppa, chat or a getaway ... we have a childrens playground in the backyard, plenty of toys in the playroom and a working kettle!

Take care ... you are doing the right thing asking questions, talking to Ben and making decisions that you feel are best for your entire family's future ... you are a great Mum and a wonderful person so I know you will make the right choices ...

[Melissa1983]

Hi Mel

Thanks for meeting up today ... it was so good to finally meet you and see your beautiful girls ... they truely are abolutely adorable.

Feel free to call and just talk ... I am a pretty good listener - don't always have advice, but will listen and am good at keeping things quiet if need be. Also, if you can stand finding me as I am(messy house, feral children etc), feel free to just drop in for a cuppa, chat or a getaway ... we have a childrens playground in the backyard, plenty of toys in the playroom and a working kettle!

Take care ... you are doing the right thing asking questions, talking to Ben and making decisions that you feel are best for your entire family's future ... you are a great Mum and a wonderful person so I know you will make the right choices ...

Hi Kyra
It was great meeting up today too. The kids got along great. We will have to do it again..

[tpham]

Coops you are such a wise lady...i wished i read this post before things started like that with my husband. Now we realise that we are only talking to each other out of frustration of not being able to spend some quality time together.

Everyday is like groundhog day...you do the same thing over and over again, and it gets abit boring, but now we have found out why we have been like that to each other. Now DH helps more around the house when he can, mops the floor, makes the milk for the girls and is much more pleasant to be around. We spend quality time together when the girls are asleep like watching a movie together or just talking about things, not about the girls.

I hope things get better for you. Let us know how you go. im sure it will work out for you if you both can make an effort for one another

[MilkOnTap]

Mel - you out there? How did things go last night?

[Melissa1983]

yeah Ally... I will send you a PM

[Goosie22]

I grew up at Cerbrus and come from a big Navey family, my cousin is currently on the WesAustralia(?sp). Cant you contact DS and tell them about what is happening they might force him to go into counciling, I get newsletters all the time from DS about counciling for Vets kids so they must have something like that for currently serving?

[Melissa1983]

I grew up at Cerbrus and come from a big Navey family, my cousin is currently on the WesAustralia(?sp). Cant you contact DS and tell them about what is happening they might force him to go into counciling, I get newsletters all the time from DS about counciling for Vets kids so they must have something like that for currently serving?

He doesn't think he has a problem! So he wont see anyone! He thinks i am unhappy because of all the financial pressure we have been under the past few weeks. So he wants me to give it another 6 weeks, and start this job on Tuesday and see what happens... MEN they just don't understand women

[Goosie22]

But DS might set something up for you, just so you can talk about him and get some support on a regular basis? You might need it when he goes to sea anyway?

[reAllytee]

Being an armed forces wife is so very hard i feel for you my sister used to be one & it was hard enough before there was kids involved.
As Goosie suggested contact DS my sister did this when her marriage was breaking down of course her hubby didnt want anything to do with it ( thinks its the male ego thing as well as navy ) so she did it for herself helped a great deal at the time etc.
Id look into it if i were you not only for yourself but also as your kids need to know mummy is ok too IYKWIM.
Im wishing you the best of luck & things turn out for the best one way or the other ! :)