View Full Version : are these feelings normal?
Due to decreasedfetal movements and bad CTG traces, my baby was delivered by cs earlier this month. She is fine, did notrequire oxygen and there is nothig wrong with her. God only knows what was happening inside of me to indicate there was fetal distress. She was born at 33 weeks and is still in hospital for about 1.5 weeks more.
I love my baby so much. She is beautiful. But at times I get so down, grieving the pregnancy I so wanted to have. MYfamily tell me I am being so silly that she is healthy and alive that I should be grateful. I am blessed, but when I see mums in hospital having normal deliveries I get so down and wish it had been me. I fear if she will grow up okay. I hate looking at baby stuff in shops. I cry often. I have thoughts that this is all so unfair. I worry if the OB made the right decision even though logically I know the info he was able to get indicated my baby was in significant distress and part of me is grateful to not have a stillborn. I love being in hospital with her but i feel so much pain when I have to leave her. I have had difficulties in life but I feel this is the hardest, as she is the most important thingin my life.
Hi, Just wondering if have you spoken to anyone about this - like a counsellor or your doctor or even the midwives at the hospital. I haven't had a premmie baby but my first birth was very disappointing and I felt upset but no one I spoke to could understand why, when I had a beautiful healthy baby I could possibly feel sad. I now know I was probably suffering from birth trauma but none of the medical staff ever mentioned it so I never even knew there was such a thing.
It must be so hard leaving your baby at the hospital I really feel for you. Look after yourself:hugs:
allysophia
22-05-2007, 19:14
Your feelings are very normal and right :hugs:
Its only natural you'd feel this way, being a woman is having a full-term pregnancy and an empowering, fulfilling labour. Sadly, women in Australia seem more and more to be cheated from this experience.
I really, really feel for you. How horrible that this was taken from you. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.
I'm sorry that happened - I hope it wasn't simply ob error which made this c/s happen. I know its a sorry concession, but plan now, look into whats out there, and hopeful you can have a sucessful VBAC (seeing as you're outputting such healthy babies!! :thumbsup:)
Your feelings are absolutely normal. When I had both mine early I hated seeing heavily pregnant women. I hated going out in public and seeing newborns. I wanted the rest of my pregnancy. I hated seeing women come in give birth and leave a couple of days later. It is normal, it is part of the grieving process of what you lost.
I am going ot have a hunt for some stuff I posted a while ago and you will see you are not alone in your feelings.
I have copied this off a prem site for you. You might like to print it out and give it to your family so they understand.
What do parents wish others understood about the birth of their premature baby?
"1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name and talk of him without the tone of sympathy, sorrow and pity in your voice. My child lives and is important and I need to celebrate his existence.
"2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child is struggling and is not quite perfect has caused me tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outburst are healing.
"3. I wish you would recognize my child's birth with your words and actions and not center on his chance for survival, disabilities and a "normal" life.
"4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my pain is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
"5. I wish you knew that the birth of a preemie is different from other pregancies and births and must be treated differently. It is tragedy and celebration, fear and joy, gain and loss, among so many other things. I wish you wouldn't compare it to your pregnancy, or the sickness of a parent, a spouse or a child.
"6. Being a premature parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me and my baby.
"7. I wish you knew that all of the 'crazy' grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness,
and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the birth of a premature baby.
"8. I wish you wouldn't expect my pain and healing to be over in six months. The first year is going to be very hard for us. I will be raising a child whose early life is very different from fullterm babies. I will be coming to terms with many emotions. I will be mourning many losses, even though I gained a beautiful baby. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'former preemie parent', but will forevermore be parent to a preemie.
"9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to the pain of emotions, such as the ones I feel now. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my emotions.
"10. Our child's birthday, his due date and homecomings and those anniversaries are important times for us. We may celebrate, but also mourn and relive the pain. I wish you could tell us that you understand that we are dealing with lots of tough emotions. Don't try to coerce us into being cheerful, even though that is what is expected.
"11. It is normal and good that most of us reexamine our faith, values and beliefs after a preterm birth. We question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish if I am one who must tangle with my religion, you would let
me do so without feeling guilty.
"12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches, and the only way I can get through this process of healing is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. If I need help from counselors and anti-depressants, please help me get it.
"13. I wish you understood that having a premature baby changes people. I am not the
same person I was the moment before my child arrived and never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to 'get back to my old self',
you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me---maybe you will like me still."
Why Is Having A Preemie So Upsetting?
The birth of a premature baby, even when it is expected, is the loss of very important dreams. It is the loss of the perfect pregnancy, the right type of birth, a healthy, perfect baby that can come home with you, a bright start to a new family. It is also involves a loss of optimism about the future.
Worry about current and future development cloud my vision. I worry about what he will face later in life. And although my baby may have great odds of survival, I may still be fearful of losing him. Even with great odds like 90% survival mean that one baby in a room full of ten will not go home with their parents. I am worried I could be that one.
I am angry. I am mad that this happened to me, especially if I was exceptionally careful about the pregnancy. I am mad that I lost control over my life and have placed my baby in this predicament. I am mad that I cannot take my baby home or even hold him. I am mad that people are not celebrating his birth, until he comes home and is "safe" from the arms of death. I am mad that others cannot understand how I feel.
Guilt and failure are everywhere. I feel like I did something to cause this. I feel like I should be able to help my baby, not just sit silently by. I feel like a failure as a mother, daughter and wife. I feel like I failed at pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and caring for my baby.
I may still be in shock that this has really happened to me. I may repeat over and over the story of the birth. I may relive the early days with anyone who will listen. I may still even have OB appointments listed on my calendar and maternity clothes I was going to wear hanging in my closet!
Mostly, I feel a total lack of power. I have no control over my body, my emotions, my baby's care, my baby's health. I don't even know how to calm my baby when he is uncomfortable. And I don't have any control over what will happen to my baby.
What Can You Do For Her?When a parent feels so misunderstood and alone, they often begin to fear communication with others. Parents begin to fear that advice, suggestions, or comments will make them feel even more upset and despondent, instead of supported and understood.
The most important thing to remember is that the parents are very distraught and very worried. Listent to what they have to say, but do not judge. Do not belittle their feelings or attribute them to the baby blues and hormones. Reactions to a premature birth is much more than a hormonal response. Don't try to pretend that everything will be okay. Don't sell her on fatalism with statements like, "What will be will be." If that were truly the case, what's the point of using medical technology to try to accomplish what nature cannot?Your willingness to listen can be of great help. Premature parents feel cut off from other people. Your ability to listen and support the parents will help them handle the stress they're experiencing. A baby's premature birth is one of the most difficult situations parents will ever have to deal with.
Problem Situations
Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle course to a blind person, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for a premature parent - hazards that do not exist for women with full-term babies and children.
Some of the common obstacles that can cause increased pain and suffering in a parent ...
* seeing mothers with their new babies
* watching parents take home their newborns
* catching view of a very pregnant woman
* visiting the obstetrician's office for an appointment
* hearing other's birth stories or complaints about late pregnancy
* seeing babies at the store, passing them in cars, watching them stroll down the block or play at a park
* hearing news of a friend's pregnancy
* having to be around other pregnant women
* passing by a childbirth class
* attending showers or a bris
* family gatherings, where babies and children are present
* a breastfeeding mother
* watching TV and being bombarded with baby commercials and programs that show pregnant women, birth, and newborns in danger
* receiving and reading parenting magazines
* reading parenting books
As you see, there is no escaping painful encounters when you are a parent to a hospitalized premature baby who is not home and healthy.
The Bottom Line
Because these parents, your friends, have had a premature baby, life is very stressful for them. It will be for some time, even after the initial difficulty of hospitalization ends. They will have to deal with isolation from germs, developmental concerns, and other health complications that often challenge a preemies first year of life.
Your friends are doing their best to cope. Please be understanding. Sometimes they will be depressed. Sometimes they will be angry. Sometimes they will be joyful. Sometimes they will act in totally crazy ways that seem to defy explanation. Most times they will be physically and emotionally exhausted. The will not be the same old people they used to be.
The parents have no concrete answer to when, or if, their problem will resolve. The fact that babies often ride a roller-coaster of progress and setbacks as they journey toward home only adds to the emotional turmoil. It is certain the NICU trip will come to an end, but when and how is often unknown.
Afterwards it can be a long time before many of the parents questions about health and developmental concerns can be answered. They will not know the repercussions of the early birth for years to come and this can continue to plague their emotions at certain times, especially anniversary dates.
During this time, though, they will form a close, loving bond with their child. They will accept any and all challenges and limitations their child meets. They will grow to see their child as perfect, regardless of any disabilities, for the love of a child is perfect.
Never will the parent be the same as they were before the birth. They will be forever changed by the event. You will have to accept this as a result of the premature birth if you wish to continue supporting them as a friend.
Your friend wants you to stretch and accept the new person she has become. She needs your support. Please care about her. Please be sensitive. Please be a friend...
with much affection,
a preemie parent
:crying: :hugs: to you.
I think it is normal post partum emptiness. I hope you discover contentment real soon. It's aweful for you to be feeling blue and alone in it but bubhubbers sympathise with you.
PM me if you need to chat :)
thanks mum2my4 for the information, and everyone else foryour supportive replies. I am going to talk to my baby's paediatrician tomorrow about her risk of problems in later life. I think that is more sensible than reading studies online. She is doing really well and growing nice n big. I just worry if she will be okay later in life.
HoopDeeDoo
23-05-2007, 20:26
Both my boys were premmie, and I felt most of what you are feeling. My deliveries were Vbirth though, so it was my body that 'let me down', it wasn't someone else's choice.
I just want to say though it's amazing how they catch up and are completely normal, and beautiful, and only you know the pain you felt when they entered before you wanted them to. But I've learnt that all things happen for a reason, and this is the way they were supposed to enter the world.
There is guilt when your baby is born early but healthy too, like you shouldn't be upset because there are babies that are struggling more then your baby.
You are allowed to grieve and mourn for the 'normal' pregnancy and birth that most mothers experience.
I will never know what is like to take my baby home right after being born, or without tube feeding and expressing every 3 hours. But that is how my story is supposed to be written.
:hugs: It will feel like forever but she will be home with you soon, and when she is eating her first solids, running around, and doing all the things you were worried about you will remember how you are feeling, and you won't think 'I was silly to be so upset', you will be in awe of your strong beautiful girl, and love her just a little bit more, because you will appreciate every moment because of the moments you lost when you had to go home without her :hugs:
it is totaly normal what you are going through, when your pregnat you dream about so many wonderful thing and having a premmie or a sich bub isnt one of them it doesnt mean you love them any less its just diferent to what you dreamt it would be
Im glad your bub is dont well thats great news
Hi giblet,
I've been reading through this thread and thought I'd share my story.
Firstly, all that you're experiencing is perfectly normal and it's okay to feel it. Most people don't know how to behave and act once a baby enters the world prematurely.
Let's see. I was pregnant with ID twins. At 13 weeks there was a growth discrepancy that continued till 32 weeks(condition known as Twin to twin transfusion) In 90% of cases both babies die or are severely disabled.
I went through my entire pregnancy not knowing what to expect at each U/S. As the pregnancy progressed and I was booked in to have a c-section at 32 weeks I too thought that my ob was taking them out to suit his holiday plans. However my ob doesn't do this sort of stuff. It's your mind wanting everything to be perfect and it's your bodies way of helping you cope.
Eventhough I knew the whole pregnancy that I was going to have them early I still didn't feel prepared. Matthew was admitted to NICU with breathing difficulties and Ben was admitted to SC straight away, with Matthew joining him about a week later.
It is normal to grieve the loss of something that you thought would go to full term and only someone of a premmie would understand how you feel.
I felt the best way to cope was to talk with the dr and nursing staff and other parents about what your going through. Ben and Matthews paediatrician still asks how I'm doing.
The best advice is to just take it each day as it comes and enjoy each moment you have with her while in hospital and allow yourself some time to rest before she comes home.
It's easy to feel resentment to other mothers as you didn't get the birth that you had dreamed of, however once she's home and thriving you will look back on this experience and always remember it, but it will simply be a part of your history.
Try not to listen to what others say and just look at your situation.
If you'd like to talk some more then pm me and I'll be more than happy to talk with you.
Take care and give your little girl lots and lots of cuddles. She needs it to grow and thrive.
Ben and Matthew are now just over 5 months old and thriving. They are small for their age but they will catch up and the main thing is that they are doing well and so will your daughter.
Hang in there and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Here's hoping you bring your daughter home really soon and you can start acting like a normal family and enjoying the normal family stuff instead of going in and out of the hospital all day.
peta1410
01-06-2007, 20:35
Don't worry, these feelings are perfectly normal for premmie mums. I've had 2 premmies and felt EXACTLY the same as you described. My first son was born at 32 and 6 days and he is the most healthiest kid you will ever see. No problems and no worries at all with catching up. He had no developmental problems at all, can talk with a mouth full of marbles under wet cement!! LOL! He spent 5 weeks in hospital. And it really doesn't matter how good your support base is you really can't help but feel completely alone, right? That's how I felt and it really is a normal feeling. I felt like I was grieving the pregnancy I missed out on. Going home in the afternoons without my babies was the worst and it was only a few weeks ago that I was feeling like you. Bub number 2 came 5 weeks early and I was a mess. A wonderful bubhubber gave me the name of a great prem site that is a really great place to speak to people who know what you're going through. If you want, pm me and I can give you the name of it. Chin up. Feel however you want to feel and don't let anyone tell you you're silly for feeling that way. Unless they've been where you are how could they ever know! It really does help to talk though, even if it's to a nurse in the nursery that you've bonded with, sometimes that's better than talking to a family member because they see mums like us every day and can relate better. Hope your bub is home with you soon. Good luck.
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