Need Advice re: my DH ???

[~Milly~]

Hi,

I didn't know where to post this so I thought here would be better than anywhere.

I am worried about going through this pregnancy - it seems to have started again.

When I was pregnant with my DD I got prenatal depression and things got very rocky between my DH & I... My emotions and my mind got the better of me and I got very very insecure! I even accused my DH at one stage of having an affair with a woman over twice his age (it is funny now, but it wasn't at the time) my mind became that convinced... (it didn't help that I put on 33kgs and went from being a small frame to a beached whale in the nine months - which made me feel very unattractive to him - it took me 15 months of my daughters life (until 1 month ago) to lose 28 of those 33kgs and I finally feel female again - only to fear I am going to put it all back on again - so far I have been very sick and have lost weight (10wks in) but I hope it doesn't just pile on from here on in.) His Real problem was that he was sick of having to reassure me all the time that everything was ok... so he just kind of cut himself off from me.

When he cuts himself off he goes very quiet, doesn't really talk much to me and doesn't have the patience to listen to me talk to him. Not even general conversation. He just wants to be at work and come home and do his weights, have tea, watch some t.v and go to bed.

I get very frustrated because he doesn't help me around the house. I am expected to cook his meals, clean up after him, and other things... but when he gets something out he leaves it out, he doesn't put things in the bin, he won't empty the dishwasher, he won't put his plates in the dishwasher (or the sink) after tea, he leaves it all for me to do while he gets up and sits on the couch. He won't change my daughter's nappy, he gets upset if I ask him to feed her or do something for me... I know he is out working all day and I am at home with my daughter - he feels I should be able to do it all during the day (which I feel I should too) but I would love some help sometimes. I have to admit I don't do a lot of that myself sometimes... well I don't do it straight away and the tea dishes (well I would prefer to sit on the couch next to him for some time with him than slave in the kitchen) but I know that I will clean up my mess eventually, it just makes it hard that I am having to not only clean up my stuff, my daughters things (which she is at the messy pull everything out stage) but all his things as well... am I being unreasonable?

He was raised like this with his mother doing absolutely everything for him, so I know it isn't his fault.

I know he loves me, but I worry that I have changed since we met and he has seen and is reacting to that.
I am a very emotional person - i like to talk things through and hate going to sleep after a fight without sorting it out. Not that we fight much at all. I just think he hates that part about me.
I love him more than anything in the world, he is my life and so is my daughter.
I just want him to show me sometimes. The only times he shows me much affection is if he wants something... (well that is how I feel sometimes anyhow)

He isn't the affectionate type, maybe I just have to get used to it.

What I really want from you girls or guys is some suggestions on something to surprise him and make him realise just how much I do love him.

Any suggestions on how I can stop my emotions taking over again??? I know they are beginning to go wild because of these feelings. Everything becomes so negative - yet after my DD's birth everything was perfect and back to normal so I know it is me. I want it to stop - or if it can't how can I not show them to my DH??? 9 months is a long time to feel so insecure and hurt and negative... I was hesitant to go through it again for that very reason.

I would love some advice please - if this makes any sense... I think I just needed somewhere to get things off my chest.

TIA

[the_queen]

I know exactly what you're going through, but don't really have any advice for you sorry... Just wanted to send you a virtual (((hug))) :) . Make sure you've got someone to talk to, your best friend or your mum, and focus on the fact that things will be back to normal after bubs is born. And vent your little heart out on bubhub!! It really helps, trust me.

[JenNT]

Hi Mia, (((Hugs to you)))

For awhile there your post sounded like my hubby!! i didn't have depression but I did go thru a stage of having those same feelings. Why don't you write him a letter like the one you posted here, or even show him that one on the screen.Let him know how scared and vunerable you are right now, you need some hugs and reassurance from him, not the opposite. Sorry I can't be of more help but i'm sure someone from BH will come along and give you some advice.
Cheers Jen

[Pixie]

I kinda went through the emotional stuff you have been through a couple of years ago before children came into the picture I saw an anxeity psychologist and I went to one at a university and it was cheaper than a normal one as they were in their postgraduate stage but still fantastic.

other than that talk, talk, talk to him write a journal reflecting can sometimes help. and may help others understand too.

good luck I am sure there is some one out there or here who can help :)

[GIZMOE]

Hi Milly - big hugs to you

This is my frist pregnancy and I don't think I have depression but like you I went through a stage well still going through it where I thought I was unattractive to my husband and due to him having a few work mates that are girls ( who are somewhat attractive ) I thought he was more attracted to them then me!!!!

He gets the ****s with me because he is always trying to convince me other wise and is getting sick of my insecurities - so I know what that is like.

It's not your fault! It is all the hormones and chemicals raging through your body ;)

In regard to your husband not helping you around the house Im not sure if I can give good advice to this as I am very lucky that my husband really does more for me. But I can say if you haven't spoken to him about the way you feel then that would be the best place to start.

Just tell him how you are feeling - but don't attack. Let him know that you understand that he works hard all day - but so do you, and just having a little bit of an extra hand at night would allow you two to have more quality time together plus it would help with your deppression.

As for showing your man you love him maybe just organise a baby sitter for your other child and maybe have a really nice meal together and just enjoy eachothers company for the rest of the night! without cleaning and without children.

Hope this helps and I hope you start to feel a little beter. Don't push yourself you are not wonder woman.

Amy

[Jaileth]

Don't know if this will help or not, but it helped put things into perspective for me.

Your hubby goes out and works through the day - you didn't mention times, so I'm just going to use the 9 - 5 adverage.

You stay at home and do the house work - from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. You are working 24 hour days, as with a child, you are effectivly on call 24 hours.

He gets to come home and have a break, do his weights and watch the telly. That's great for him, but where is your break? When do you get time off?

Maybe ask him to watch your daughter for two hours on his days off, so you can get some 'you' time, and your daughter gets undivided attention from her daddy.

You are not selfish in wanting some time off, you are a normal, reasonable, intelligent being whoes whole family will benifit from you getting some help.

The only other thing I can suggest, is if your hubby flat out refuses to help with any of the house hold chores and you really feel like you need the help, hire a cleaner for a few hours each week, and take it out of your hubbies pay check. It's his house too, so he should be helping to keep it clean.

As for showing him that you love him, how about combining the two? Ask him to do the dishes, and put a love letter for him to read in front of the sink or something while he does it. Or ask him to vacume clean and once you know he's got the vac out, sneak in and leave him a little wrapped up present - something little that he may have wanted for a while, or maybe just his fav snack or a new dvd or something - even movie tickets, if you can arrange someone to watch your daughter. That way he'll know you love him, and he might even look forward to helping you out with the chores because he knows he'll be 'rewarded' so to speak.

Sorry this is a bit long - but I hope it helps.

[shed]

Milly, I hope you are feeling better soon. It sounds like you are feeling a little bit out of control, which can cause frustration and depression. Its bad enough at the best of times but when you are pregnant and dealing with hormones and body issues, things can escalate.

You need to put your foot down with your DH. Seriously. You already have a job while he is at work, looking after your child. You both work for eight hours. Once he gets home from work its half and half, all the way. Why should you work for 24 hours when he only works for 8? Just because he gets paid and you don't? In that case, he can start paying you for the hours you are looking after the child and the home while he is at work.

You should not be expected to do everything and have that be open to anyone's criticism. You should be praised from the hilltops for the job that you are doing and don't let anyone tell you any different.

[Peaceangels]

If you find it hard talking to your DH about how you feel, try and write him a letter.
If you read it and decide not to give it to him, you have still gotten things off your chest (which helps, rather than bottling it up).
Maybe organise a romantic dinner for just the two of you, one where your conversation cannot be about kids, family, friends, work or the home. It's hard, but it help's get the conversation back to you and your relationship.

[poshBecks]

((HUGS)). I wont say I understand, because I've never felt like that before. But I do want to say that we are all here for you!!

A lot of people especially men dont understand that depression is an illness!! Thay think we should just get over it!! Maybe you could find someone else to off load your feelings regarding the pregnancy to. It might be a bit hard for him to understand. But still let him know you are seeing or talking to someone about it, that way he knows that it hasn't dissapeared!! You can certainly offload here!! :)

Re: Something romantic.....
I sent my dh on a treasure hunt once & at each hiding spot there was a chocky & a part of our vows. He thought it was really nice!!! Something fun plus it told him that I still mean what I promised back then!!

Good luck!!

[Kable]

Hi Milly

Things are really getting you down and you need to tell your hubby exactly how you feel, either through written or verbal. If you keep this in you are going to start to resent him and the smallest thing he does will set you off. A smart man once said his best investment of time was his wife because if his wife was happy so was his life, be it at home, work or play. If you're unhappy your husband has as much buy in as you do.

It's not terribly difficult for your husband to tell you he loves or how special you are; or do something special each day to let you know. My husband often just touches my belly and tells me how beautiful it is and that's enough to have me floating for day. It's as simple as a word or a touch.

Really he simply won't have thought about it. A lot or men don't. Let him know what you need.

As for responsibilities at home, Shaelia is right, he works and you work. He works from 8.30 - 5, he gets an hour for lunch, when he gets home work is over. Yes during the day you might get a couple of hours free, when you're not feeding, changing or playing (yes playing with your child is part of the job), but you're still feeding at 5.30 and bathing at 6.00 pm and putting to bed at 7.00 pm (with a bedtime story). No doubt you've also cooked dinner for yourself and your husband. Then if bubs wakes through the night whose up to them?

Don't demean yourself by saying your husband's job is more important than yours because you take us all with you, and I for one take my job very seriously.

Your job is one of the most important in the word and helps to form future politicians, doctors, teachers etc.

You are one in a million to your daughter and to peanut (when they arrive) and you deserve a bit of help and thanks.

Kable

Boy - 14 months
bb - 17weeks due June 06

[reAllytee]

Like everyone else i think you need to sit down with your hubby & have a good chat being really open & honest with each other.
If you cant do this face to face as the others suggested write him a letter & sometimes this is the easiest as you can write down everything you want without getting a reaction which could interrupt your thought process.
We all are insecure in our own way so your not alone & while your pregnant this makes it all tens times worse with hormones etc.
I used to tell my partner to leave me etc while preggers as i was so insecure lucky for me he didnt heheh.
I really hope all works out for you & good luck :)

[heymamma]

Hi Mia (( hugs))
I know how it feels to always feel like your down or depressed,,, i have 3 kids as you can see my signature how close together my boys are... its very hard ..& to make it harder my dh acts like he is a 16yr old that can just play the ps2 or pc, Tv etc. He works 5 days a wk.. i feel as though i dont get a weekend where he does... he seems to think its my weekend im gunna relax...man would i love to do that....but the dishes wouldnt get done or the laundry or the cleaning allround, Not too mention taking care of the kiddies. But i will say he does help me also...but not as much as i would like... I hate that i have to ask him to do everything he doesnt just get up & do it...well very rarely anyway.
He is prolly not as bad as ur man but i do understand what ya going through hun.
I think someone mentions writting ur feelings in a letter... i did that, Because i knew if i just said it to his face he wouldnt pay attention...so i wrote my thoughts down & gave it to him..well as a matter of fact i threw it at him in anger..but you dont need to do that ..lol :p He did fix somethings.
Anyways hun i hope that helped goodluck

[~Milly~]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I just wanted to say that when something bad happens I know he is there for me no matter what.

I guess you lose perspective and forget the things that matter the most. Family is the be all and end all. No matter how much he might **** me off and not help me out when I need it, I know that when I need him the most he always knows what to say, he always knows what to do and he can ALWAYS put a smile on my face.

I found out yesterday that I lost my baby three and a half weeks ago. I haven't miscarried it is still inside me I didn't get any cramping or bleeding - it just died. I kind of had a gut feeling that they would tell me I wasn't pregnant but nothing prepares you for this and I wanted this baby more than anything in the world - I always had hope that everything would be ok. I am still getting some symptoms so my body still thinks I am pregnant so I am kind of finding it hard to face - I keep thinking "maybe they missed something" but I know they didn't deep down.

He has been my Godsend. I am not coping very well. It isn't a nice feeling to know you saw a heartbeat and a week and a half later it died without me even knowing - here I was walking around believing I was so close (just one week) to the safety line.
I know now that I can deal with his stubborness and his messiness, because what matters most is that I know he will carry me through the hardest times of my life. I will no longer take him for granted. He is my life and although he may be "mr macho" most of the time, only I get to see his soft side in times when it really counts and I think that makes it all the more special because I know it is real.

I love my husband and daughter more than life itself and he knows that. I just have to have faith that if he doesn't tell me everyday, or show me the way I want to be shown, I have to remind myself that he returns my love just as strongly in his own ways.

Thank you all for your support. I am ok. This has made us stronger. I am so lucky to have him as my own as I don't know what I would do without him.

Thanks again.

[Sarie]

Honey I'm so sorry!
I'm glad your fella is standing beside you and I'm sorry that it has taken something like this for him to be there, but he is.

I'm glad you have found comfort in each other, and my heart goes out to all of you. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel and what you both must be going through.
All my prayers coming your way
Sarie

[heymamma]

im so sorry milly.. ((( hugs)))