Am I selfish?.....

[stompy]

Not many people I know in real life can understand or relate to how I am feeling, so i am hoping to find some like minded souls to chat with. Hopefully someone can tell me I am not selfish, crazy or a bad mummy:o

While my two little cherubs were very much wanted, and are very very loved, there are some days when I can't help thinking "there's got to be more than this!"
I am feeling that I am just not cut out to be a sahm.When I had dd I took a years maternity leave and returned to work part time when my year was up. My ds was born a month ago but I haven't been at work since January of this year. While I do enjoy seeing my kids grow up, I also miss going to work, and having that outlet. I feel like I am only half the person I used to be, and I miss the old me terribly:crying:

Feeling all of this makes me feel guilty, especially when I see other stay at home mums who are positively glowing and are so happy and content. I sometimes resent dh for being the one to be able to go out to work and earn a living. I would love to trade places and have him be a sahm dad.

I sometimes feel like such a bad mummy when I complain that I am the one to have sacrificed my career to stay at home with them, and often feel quite angry at my dh that it was never discussed and just always assumed that because I am the female I would be the one to stay at home and raise our family.

This all sounds like such a ramble, but it feels good to get it off my chest.

Is there anyone out there that can relate? Or have I finally lost it?:p

[motherlylove]

maybe talk to dp about you doing some casual work one or two days a week just to get yourself back out there.

Dont feel bad you havent lost it

[stompy]

hey there ellyshay. I would love to go back to my old job part time, but our situation at home looks like it will be changing. Dh has just landed a new job with much better pay, but unfortunately it will be taking us further away from where we are currently living, which means futher away from my mother who is the only person I would trust to look after my ds while he is so young.

I guess this is why things have been brought to a head and I am feeling so down and frustrated.

[mum2my4]

I can relate to that:yes:

You are NOT a bad mother or selfish. You are missing something that was a part of your life and that is ok.

I miss working. I always enjoyed working.

Is there a possibility you could go back to part time work?

Not all SAHM's love it.:no: You are not the only one.

[EskimoMumma]

Nope your not selfish at all. I resent DP for being able to still go out and work.

Whenever i mention myself going to work when the kids are in school he just laughs. He thinks I can do much better and study and everything becasue ihave those oppturnities but i ENJOY my line of work(call centre op lol) So that will be our battle I think, him letting me do what i want to do.(god im going to hate to see him when our kids are teenagers)

It is completely normal for all of this do not worry. What typ eof work do you do? Why not look into something where you work at nights so that way you dont need a babysitter, DP can do it :thumbsup:

[Snuffys Mum]

Stompy I could have written that post myself and am glad to hear I'm not the only one. I really don't enjoy being a SAHM all that much at all. And I feel guilty for that every single day.

If you're selfish, crazy or a bad mummy then I am all of the above as well.

[SassyMummy]

I haven't worked for AGES... and I often think I really should, because as it is, I don't think I'm being the best SAHM I can be either, because there's no challenge, no mental stimulation, no real daily changes. Everything is the same as it was the day before.

I think I need a hobby, or something, and I'm looking at putting DD into childcare once or twice a week... for her sake as well as mine. After all, every other person working a job gets days off too... so I don't see why I shouldn't.

[mellyg]

:hugs: For you Stompy.. I am sorry but I dont feel the same as you so I am not really any help there.. I love being a SAHM.. But I really do not think that you are a bad mummy or that you have lost it.. We are all different and have different needs.. It does not mean that one of us loves our children any other than the other.. You just need to fulfill your needs as 'Stumpy' (well not really, your real name would be better suited here LOL) as well as taking care of your family.. There is nothing wrong with that at all.. I hope that you will be able to figure something out that will work for you.. Maybe there may be something you could do outside of DH's work hours so that you wont need childcare, if he would be willing to help you out with this?? Whatever you do I really hope you remember to do what is right for yourself as well as your children.. Sometimes as parents we put our needs on the backburner dont we?? Good luck anyhow..:thumbsup:

[lachys_mama]

oh em gee stompy do i know how you feel! my prob is i have no skills so i have found it difficult to even get interviews. i had ds in daycare but he doesn't cope with it and to make matters worse he is suffering from constipation which i have tried everything to cure and now i have to take him to a paediatrician etc so work just seems to be slipping further and further away. I find being at home with ds all day mundane and i have spoken to dp about it but he just says he wishes that he could stay at home all day and how cruisy it would be! I did tell him to quit his job (he's an electrician) but he wouldn't *sigh* I feel like all I am is a mother and there isn't any more to me than that, while i love my son dearly and wouldn't change having him in my life i can't help but wonder if i'm not capable of doing anything else if that makes sense...

anyways end rant

[stompy]

thankyou for the replies. I have been having a very "challenging" week with my dd, and it is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. It is sometimes hard to stop feeling guilty about not being absolutely over the moon to have the opportunity to be a sahm.

why is it that us mums always feel guilty about something:confused:

[Ange&Seth]

why is it that us mums always feel guilty about something:confused:

It's called Mother Guilt. There's actually a book about it. Haven't read it yet though. From my understanding, it's about the fact that no matter what we do, as mothers we're going to feel guilty about something at some point during our motherhood. I think it'll make for interesting reading.

On the other subject though, I only have one DS (19 months) and love being a SAHM with him, although that wasn't always the case. I really don't know how I'll handle 2 at home.

I don't think you're crazy or a bad mummy. I just think you need some sort of stimulus (?sp). Could you maybe get a job doing nightfill in a supermarket or afterhours reception? Most towns now have after hours medical centres which need receptionists, and all supermarkets need their shelves stocked. Might be your ideal job, but it will get you out of the house, away from the kids, earning money AND get some adult conversation :thumbsup:

[mumski]

I understand how you feel, I love being a sahm but only because I've found a way to combine being with my kids and having other interests for myself.

Have you considered voluntary work? I find it a great way to use my skills (and my brain) but be with my kids too. It can be social as well, I'm very involved with playgroup and find that a great way to benefit both my kids and myself.

[stompy]

Having another bad day:thumbsdown: Lately I have been feeling a lot of anger towards dh. I guess it just boils down to the fact that I am desperate to return to work, but I feel torn. DS is only 3.5 months old and I don't want to leave him in care. Mum lives too far away, and I would never leave DS for long periods of time with the MIL, so that only leaves dh.

Despite my tears and my screaming DH has flat out refused to be the one to stay at home with the kids. It is getting to the point when he comes home and talks about his day at work I just want to scream at him that I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!! I am just so resentful that he gets to carry on with his life while I feel that once again my life is put on hold to raise OUR children.

Geez reading this it sounds like I really don't like my kids :o but that couldn't be father from the truth. I just want to be me. I need time to be myself again, just a bit of time out where I can feel like I contribute something to the community. Where I can get a bit more adult conversation and actually have the opportunity to miss my little family IYKWIM?

What a ramble, but I do feel just a touch better, although I am still cranky at DH:devil6: I just never knew that having kids could put such a strain on my marriage and make me feel like a completely different person. I miss the old me.

[mum2bubba]

I don't miss working as such but I miss being spontaneus (sp) and going out with my friends all the time, I still do that but not nearly as often. I really miss adult conversation.

[Luvem]

Just lost my lovely LONG post, good for you Id say!!
After reading your thread I am even more confused about what I want to do, I just wrote the thread, 'I just dont want to work!' HEHEHAHA, so thanks a bloody lot for confusing me!!:p ;) I have been where you are too, you are not selfish, and in my case obviously I just think the grass is greener on the other side no matter where I am in my life.:hair: I need to relax!!
As for you.... go with your heart, thats what Ive found is easy to say to people when Im really in no position to offer advice! Good luck!

[Areca]

I think every mum deserves to have a break. I'm a SAHM and I love it but you should see me if I don't get to the gym for a week (what I do for me). I'm awful, and depressed, and itching for my time away. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mum though...it means I'm normal!
I don't like sitting around at home all the time but don't want to work either. I was not being the best SAHM a few weeks back (I was bored and wanted more stimulation) so now we have starte dplaygroup and kindergym and 4 mornings a week I'm out of the house until lunchtime now and I'm sooo much happier! If you don't feel quite ready to go back to work but don't want to be doing the same thing day in and day out maybe look at activities you can do that gets you out of the house and around other adults too.

[Miz 555]

I feel the same!!

my bubba is 6 weeks old today... and im already itching to go back to work ... I loveeeeeeeee him to death and i really dont wanna leave him, but its driving my crazy staying home all day with him.... my partner works full time and is on great money so we dont need the money, but i cant help wanting to go back to work... I also have the horrible feelings toward my partner because he gets to go to work every day and gets a break from bubba, whereas i don't... and he doesnt understand i need my sleep too.. he keeps saying 'ive gotta go to work" ... well i work 24 hrs a day... and when bubbas constantly crying and ive had no sleep, i cant cope... *Sigh*

i suppose i should stop taking over your thread... but i understand what your feeling

[shed]

Geez reading this it sounds like I really don't like my kids :o but that couldn't be father from the truth. I just want to be me. I need time to be myself again, just a bit of time out where I can feel like I contribute something to the community. Where I can get a bit more adult conversation and actually have the opportunity to miss my little family IYKWIM?


Nah, it doesn't sound like you don't like your kids, don't worry. It sounds like you are a bit understimulated and feel like you are not being respected by your DH.

I don't blame you for having the sh!ts about it. I love being a SAHM, after two unsuccessful returns to the workforce (long story) but I completely empathise with how you are feeling. Your wants and needs are valid and nobody has the right to disregard them. He needs a kick up the bum for a start and then you guys need to sit down and figure out a way to make mama happy, coz if mama aint happy, aint nobody happy, that's what Dr Phil says and he is right.

Hobby, gym time, some alone time, a day off, a part time job, a WAHM situation, something. You need something. First thing you need is to be validated though :yes:

There is nothing wrong with you, you are a modern woman, its not a crime.

[stompy]

Thanks for the replies guys, and it's nice to know that I am relativley normal, and not the only one who has these feelings.

Shed, you are right about how I am feeling not being a crime, but sometimes I feel bad about it. No one in my circles can really understand where I am coming from and are quite content being the good little housewife and mother, but that is not enough to satisfy me. I guess just sometimes it feels so much worse because I don't bother discussing how I am feeling because I know that they just wont get it.

[bootiful]

i can totally relate....as we have be brought up that working will always be a part of our lives and if we don't work and earn a wage then we are lazy.

but your kids must come first and you should never feel guilty for doing so.

a great idea is a casual job, if you can afford childcare, as it will give you the best of both worlds.

i hope you find a happy medium.:wave:

[Angelmist♥]

I was feeling exactly the same way as you guys.In the end, I looked into studying from home and it has been a god-send! I have 0 qualifications (hmm well none that I want to use anyway!) and haven't worked since August 2005.Now though, I'll be finishing my degree around the same time my youngest starts school.

It has really helped me knowing that I can do something with my life as well be a SAHM, IYKWIM!
If anyone's interested, pm me and I'll get you some details:hugs: