am i coping okay?

[zafyrezmummy]

hey everyone.
I've been reading your stories and they're helping me i feel so i'd like to just thank everyone for sharing their stories because unfortunately in the rest of the world outside i dont think people like talking about it. It seems to me that if i tell my story it mite help, so far no-one around me is comfortable to talk about it. I was even told i should of moved on by now, that i shouldn't be dwelling on it. so thankyou everyone for letting me tell you my story;
I found out i was pregnant when i was about 3 weeks. I burst out crying when i saw the results, i'd wanted to be pregnant for so long it seemed that i was dreaming. I went down to the after hours medical centre to get tested by the doctor to make sure.
For 8.5 weeks everything was great, mind, my mood swings were terrible and my sleeping patterns turned upside down but i was happier than I thought possible.
On a satday night around 10pm at 8.5weeks I started bleeding with some mild pain. We rushed to the hospital and 2 hours of waiting they finally admitted me. They took blood tests and put me on a drip and left. It was 11.30am the next morning when they sent me in for an ultrasound.
They pointed out my baby, it was so small, it looked like a little cute bug! It's heart was going so fast! My baby was healthy and growing but i had heomargging on the other side of the placenta. They didn't really explain it well. Then they sent me home.
over the next 5.5weeks i had another three 'emergency' u/s, and the nuchal scan u/s too. At the nuchal scan (at 10 weeks 5 days) i could see how much my baby had grown, it was moving around, i could see its little fingers and toes, it was magical, makes me cry thinkin about it, but it was so wonderful seeing my baby move on the screen.
my baby continued growing. but The bleeding didn't stop, it got heavier and the pain got more intense but i was determined not to lose hope.
in my thirteenth week i started passing blood clots. with every time they were bigger and more painful to pass, and On the monday night of the 14th week the pain was at its worst, and in the early morning i passed very painfully several handfulls of livery like tissue and clots. I knew i'd lost my baby but i refused to believe it you know, i kept telling myself my bub 'll be okay, that it was a fighter, that we'd come this far, we'd crossed that magic 12 week point. I kept telling myself that right up until the doctor confirmed that My bub was gone. They called it an incomplete miscarriage and i was admitted to hospital on the tuesday night. On the wednesday i had the d&C.
The bleeding didn't stop for another three weeks, they said i mite have an infection and gave me a course of antibiotics.
So here i am now, and i don't know if its normal but not a minute goes by in the day where i don't think of my baby. seven weeks on and i still can't stop crying. I don't mean to sound like a whinger but i just want someone to hold me and let me cry it all out, but everyone seems to act like i was never pregnant.

[zafyrezmummy]

sorry if my story was too graphic, i don't mean to make anyone feel bad

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Jomarie, I'm so sorry for you. I think it's natural to feel exactly like you do. Maybe people are pretending like you were pregnant coz they don't know what to say? I hope you are going to be okay, I'm sending massive big hugs your way:)

Please don't let other people make you feel wrong for grieving. You have to deal with it in your own way. I m/c at 11 1/2 weeks when I was 18. They showed me him on the screen as he passed. The only 2 people who knew I was preg (mum & DP) seemed to think I would have a horrible time only coz I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the baby anyway:eek: Nobody ever mentioned him ever again. I still think about him and I think we keep our babies in our hearts till they are ready to return to us - I have a four year old & a nine month old - and the nine month old is exactly how I pictured my bubs 12 years ago!

Perhaps if you do something nice for yourself, take care and if you feel up to it, do something in rememberance? Maybe it can help you feel better? I hope so. Sorry tho - I'm kinda bad at advice!

[hoping4another]

Jomarie- I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I can understand wher you are coming from i had a Missed M/C at 13 1/2 weeks back in June and after the following week had past no one spoke about it i am still angry about this.
I don't thnk others around us know the pain unless they have been through it themselves
But i have found a few wonderful ladies in here who have been through a M/C themselve and have been very supportive on those bad days. It is still early day for you but the pain does get easier in time but i don't think the pain of losing our baby will ever go away.
There are times that i just start to cry and wonder what my baby would look like and that's 6 months after my loss.
You have found the right place to talk about your loss i am sure you will get lots of support.
I don't understand why our love one around us choice not to talk about it i found dealing with my loss was to talk to people about it and that's how i ended up here.
Your not a whinger your just trying to healing after you loss and with no one to help you with that is ever harder.
If you need to talk please PM anytime. Big (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you

P.S Welcome to the forum i am just sorry this is how you joined.

Welcome

[mum2angels]

Hi Jomarie
It is such a terrible thing to happen to anyone, I am so sorry for your loss:(
The people around you probably just don't know what to say to you, and I know that this can hurt very much. Don't keep things bottled up inside you, talk to those around you, once you start talking, they might find it easier to talk about it aswell. We lost our little baby girl in 2004, she was stillborn, and since then we have had 2 m/c. Most people around us have been great, there is a few that just don't have a clue what to say, but I understand that it is hard for them to know what to say. You will move on when you feel it is time, you have lost something very precious and it can never be replaced, so take your time and grieve as much as you need to. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little angels and wonder what they would look like, it has got a little easier as time passes, but it is still so hard at times. You will never forget, you little angel was a part of you and will alway remain in your heart.
I'm sure you will find heaps of wonderful ladies on here that will help you through the tough times, I certainly have, without the support I have from a couple of lovely ladies on here I don't know if I would of coped as well. Don't be afraid to talk to us when things are getting you down, we all need a shoulder to cry on at times. Take care and look after yourself.

Jodie

[rynosmum]

Hi Jomarie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your beautiful baby. I lost my first baby and it was absolutely devastating. I had the ultrasounds with the heartbeat, just like you, we had all of our dreams built around this new addition to our family and then, she was gone. My husband was away - uncontactable about 8 hours drive. It was Easter Sunday - everything was closed. I went to the hospital on my own and they sent me to another part of the city to get an emergency ultrasound. The OB met me there - there was no one else around. I saw on the screen that the baby was gone and then vaguely heard all of this talk aout D&C, must do it tonight etc etc. It was all so surreal and I was holding back my tears (doing a pretty poor job of it though) for some reason although when I got outside I remember just sitting in my car - just howling with grief.:( Strangely, my husband had been unwell that morning and had decided to come home a few days early so he made it home just in time to take me to the hospital.

Time passes but to me, feelngs don't change. I often think about our little girl - what she would have looked like and what a beautiful nature she would have had, she would have been 26 months old now. I still get teary when I think of her.

It's bittersweet though that if she hadn't of left us, we would never have had our sweet little boy who I love dearly. He will grow up knowing about his Big Sister Angel, just as I did - my mother lost 2 babies the same way.

Some of my friends have been a huge support but many don't really know what to say. But that's okay - the lovely girls on bubhub have been there for me and I feel like I have really started to heal since being here.

All the best - never forget your little angel.

[zafyrezmummy]

Thankyou heaps for all your support, its come at a time well needed. i really really appreciate it. my heart goes out to all of you for making me feel welcome, im still a big mess, even cried wen i was reading your replies

this is gonna b a long one, my mind wont stop.

Well, yesterday i had a rather good (and productive) day. The first in a while.
We deciced to go ahead and give our lost baby a name, my man had previously objected to this wen i suggested it, telling me it was morbid. but since has come around to the idea, and said i could if i still wanted to.;)
So we named our bub Ashleigh.
So when i was at the beach yesterday afternoon i waded right out into the water and said my goodbyes,it seemed the right thing to do at the time (and stilldoes).
of course after that i burst into tears, which i dried before going back upto my man. He seems to get annoyed nine out of ten times when i begin to cry. He has always hated tears, so i try not to cry infront of him too much (Tho he still says i cry too often for 'no reason'). I think he sensed tho how i was feeling but instead of being annoyed he tried to cheer me up by being silly, making me laugh, reminding me why i love him.
Last week i gave in to doing a home pregnancy test, its been 7 weeks since m/c and still no AF. I did spot the night of the 18th (which is my usual due date for AF), but since then nothing. and im not sure on how long it takes to come back? I prob shouldnt of tested so early but i was too curious, well, the test came up well, im not sure, it looked like a negative but then wen you looked real close you could make out a really faint line in the positive. Well that made my curiousity worse but i waited until the end of the week and then tested again, the same happened only this time the positive line was darker, more visible, tho still not very dark. but definately there!! i even asked my man what he thought and he could see the line too, well, it played big games on my head, i started entertaining the thought i could be pregnant again. so i think that contributed to my good day yesterday.
We ended up having a fairly good night (no arguments and affection, i hit jackpot) and i went to sleep feeling better than i have since the m/c.
Today tho it went all bad again.
I had a dr appt, and he gave me a pregnancy test (just a urine one) and it was a BFN. it was all i could do to stop crying in the dr office. i had hoped that it would be a positive.
When i took the tests the other day, well, the first one i tried not to get my hopes up too much, maybe it was left over hcg? id read that traces of hcg can be found up to 8weeks after m/c. but then when i did the second test and the positive line was darker i thought it mite be good news. i let myself hope. it didnt make sense that if it was left over hcg that it would show up more on a later test. but it turned out to be BFN. The doctor just said casually "no, its definately a negative" and that was it.
In the car on the way home me and my man got into an argument, and then when i got home, my day got worse.
so as we're pulling in (in my mans car) we see the garbage bin truck sitting infront of my car, well, yep, he'd hit it. My little car taken out by a GARBAGE TRUCK. Well, i lost it, screamed an obscenity and wnet inside and cried for a minute ( id also yelled to the driver to wait, plus my man was out there too). Then i regained what little composure i had left and went out and got details. The whole thing was just too much. what was the garbage truck driver thinking? How can u hit a bright red car in the middle of the day? the bins were already empty, he wasnt even supposedt o be in our street?! I was trippin. i spent alot of the afternoon shakin my head and crying. trying not ot impact on everyone
The thing that gets to me about it is that normally i can deal with anything, ive survived homelessness(it was only short term,) losing jobs, even abusive relationships (seems i didn't learn until id had a few) and there i was today crying over my car getting hit by a truck. How pathetic is that. Logically i know that everything is harder to deal with than before, but i coudnt help feeling annoyed at myself that i felt such lack of control of my emotions. To of known me 6 months ago i was a mentally strong person, now i feel like a pillowcase, empty and flat.
well thanx again for lettin me spill my mind.
can i ask a question, how long should it take for AF to return after d&c? Should i go see a different doctor? the one today said its probably due to not weighing enough, though this has never been a problem before, and i weigh more now than i used to. im confused.
well all the best to evryone, looking forward to getting to know u all better!
-Jomarie

[Jessicas_Mum]

[QUOTE=jomarie]Thankyou heaps for all your support, its come at a time well needed. i really really appreciate it. my heart goes out to all of you for making me feel welcome, im still a big mess, even cried wen i was reading your replies
this is gonna b a long one, my mind wont stop.

Hi jomarie :)
If you have read 'my story' about trying to control tears, you will know that I had a m/c around the same time as you. I am pleased that you and your man found some peace in naming your baby. My huband and I simply say 'the twins'! We lean to the idea that they were boys for some reason.
I know exactly how you feel when you say that you were a strong person, and now you feel out of control of your emotions. I thought that too, especially being reduced to tears in a shop filled with people because I saw a young Mum with twins. I don't have all the answers to help you through this, but I will say that you are still a strong woman!! If I hadn't have read your post, along with a few others, I would not have registered and put my feelings out to the whole universe. I feel much better for doing it, and I thank everyone who responded. It was that message of 'don't worry your not going crazy' kinda thing that I needed to hear. I also wanted to see if I could help your 'mind stop', or slow down at least!! What I have done, is written a long letter on paper about the whole experience, a bit of a time-line I guess...and have put all the hpt's, u's images, congratulations cards etc into a lovely box and have put it in a special place. I'm still healing myself, but I did find that it helped me relocate the mess that was in my head...running through everything over and over again. In relocating that mess, I had had enough space in my head to think about what I had to do to keep myself getting through each day, still not without the tissues though!! Keep your chin up, be proud that you were brave enough to tell your story..and ask for help and guiodance, and in doing so contributed to someone elses healing process.
There will be better days....

[MilkOnTap]

JoMarie - you are so courageous to post your 'story' about the loss of your baby. I can relate when you say that people dont 'understand'. And the tears? They just come dont they! If your DP doesn't understand that you need to shed a few tears then give him a good ole' kick up the backside. He needs to realise that your body is still chock-a-block full of hormones.

And your recent positive HPT... I reckon go back to the DR and INSIST that they do a blood test. They should be able to tell whether or not the hcg levels that you saw as a positive are low enough for the m/c 8 weeks ago. If they are higher than that - then you may be in luck!

Good luck with it all - and let us know... Feel free to PM me if you like....

Cheers,
Ally