Are you allowed to grieve??

[V8]

Hey All

Ok, this is in no way directed at anyone or anything in particular it's just my thoughts on something. About 6 years ago now i had a termination, i was 8 weeks pregnant and i still get upset about it. I know women who have miscarriages openly are allowed to grieve for their baby but i feel i have not been able to grieve or acknowledge this baby as it was my decision to terminate. Every year around June i get extremely emotional and upset and baby obsessed! It didn't click for a while until i realised that that was around the time i had my termination. It's like my body and spirit know that i am missing something. Also christmas is hard as i was due on the 27th of Decemember and i always think about it.

I have never regretted the decision as i know it was the best at the time but it is very disheartening to not feel like you are able to grieve for your lost baby. Also it's very strange, every time i go to a psychic they pick up straight away that i have kids. One lady said to me, 'you have three kids' and i said, no i have one. She said to me, you have one in the spirit world which was a miscarriage or termination and you have your son and then another one is waiting for you'. So even spiritually i feel this presence and hearing the psychic say it gives me chills.

Sorry maybe there was no real point to this post, but i just wanted to know if people that have terminations still have a right to mourn their baby? I'd really only appreciate those that can be supportive.

Cheers!

[kiah]

Yes you are allowed to grieve. It is something very sad and unfortunate that has happened.

That's all i can say. Luv Kiah:hugs:

[EcstaticEm]

YES YES YES IMO. :hugs: I wish I had a link to my TTC diary.. I am definately one of the people who greived my unborn..

I was not happy wiht the decsion, but I made it, and never felt that I was intitled to grieve.. because of that I held onto the hurt, and confusion, and pain for way way way too many years.. I found I had to really greive and let her go.. it took a long time, but I was able to cry, and write a letter to my "dream" as I called her, and find some peace in the idea that she was free.. I wish I had donr that years ago...

Many hugs and Sweet travels to our unborns who we chose to let go and set free. :hugs: :hugs:.

Even more Hugs to the corageous women who struggle with this heartwrenching decision.

Hey All

Ok, this is in no way directed at anyone or anything in particular it's just my thoughts on something. About 6 years ago now i had a termination, i was 8 weeks pregnant and i still get upset about it. I know women who have miscarriages openly are allowed to grieve for their baby but i feel i have not been able to grieve or acknowledge this baby as it was my decision to terminate. Every year around June i get extremely emotional and upset and baby obsessed! It didn't click for a while until i realised that that was around the time i had my termination. It's like my body and spirit know that i am missing something. Also christmas is hard as i was due on the 27th of Decemember and i always think about it.

I have never regretted the decision as i know it was the best at the time but it is very disheartening to not feel like you are able to grieve for your lost baby. Also it's very strange, every time i go to a psychic they pick up straight away that i have kids. One lady said to me, 'you have three kids' and i said, no i have one. She said to me, you have one in the spirit world which was a miscarriage or termination and you have your son and then another one is waiting for you'. So even spiritually i feel this presence and hearing the psychic say it gives me chills.

Sorry maybe there was no real point to this post, but i just wanted to know if people that have terminations still have a right to mourn their baby? I'd really only appreciate those that can be supportive.

Cheers!

[Eloise&Charlie'sMum]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: I believe that you are deffinately allowed to morn your loss..I cant related personally as I have never been it this position but I do hope that if I ever was that yes I would be able to grieve for my loss.
I hope as time goes by the pain eases for you.

[red crayon]

you should definitely give yourself the time and space to grieve. i haven't terminated but a close friend of mine did when we were much younger. she's always felt the absence of that child even though she made a decision that was right for her at the time. we often comment on how old he or she would be. maybe you could plant a tree or something in honour of that child - it would give you somewhere to grieve and contemplate. big hugs to you.

[Duchessa]

I hear you V8. I have had 3 terminations for various reasons. For the second one I chose to have a local anaesthetic and I had them keep the "products of conception" as they so sensitively term the embryo. I took it to a cliff top near Lorne and poured the remains into the sand. The whole ritual really helped. The third one I had using firstly methotrexate and then the pills to dilate the cervix, so I miscarried at home. I put the embryo in a hole and planted a tree over it.

I have since planted a tree for my first one too. Doing these small rituals definitely helps - it feels as if you are respecting that undeveloped being in a way that placing the remains in a biohazard bin and forgetting about it, doesn't.

I hope that you can find a way to grieve for your loss. The tree is a great idea.

[EmsMum72]

I think you have every right to grieve. No matter how you ended up losing your child (whether it's a M/C or a termination), it is still a loss. I had a termination in my early 20's and I'm regretting it alot more these days because my DH and I have been trying for over 2 years for a 2nd child, and when we recently fell pregnant I had a M/C. Although, in saying that, the termination for me at the time was the right thing to do - doesn't mean I don't think about the 'what ifs' (that baby would have been to my ex, and I'm glad I have nothing binding me to him). I do understand how you feel though, and I think it's good to grieve :hugs: .

[Lirael]

i have no idea what you are going through but have some of these :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[luckymama]

you should be allowed to grieve, sometimes terminations have to be done, due to circumstances beyond your control. Its for reasons like that i had one 5 years ago, and it still is upsetting, :hugs: :hugs: to you.

[V8]

Thanks everyone for being so supportive and to others that have been through what i have it's very upsetting. Emsmum, :hugs: for you too.

I think the plant idea or lighting a candle is a great idea, thanks so much guys.

[nemosmum]

I totally get what your saying v8

I havent had a termination BUT when i was 18 my friend did, I was there holding her hand through out the procedure.

Skip 8yrs to when we were both 26 and i got pg with ds, thats when it really hit her and she went through a rough period of morning especially when she held my son for the first time

She still talks to me about her loss

i think she (as well as every woman) deserves the right to grieve for what could have been iykwim

[V8]

Thanks nemosmum, your friend is very lucky to have someone as understanding and supportive as you. Many of my friends said some pretty nasty things and my family were even worse! Except my mum, she was amazing, but she was in a different state at the time, my twin sister who i would have thought would be the best was horrible. I couldn't even afford the operation so she paid for it, and kept reminding me, oh by the way you owe me $150 for your abortion', how horrible to hear that off your own sister! Grrrrr!

[Angelmist♥]

Oh hun:hugs:Of course you're allowed to grieve.Sorry but how awful of your sister:( As you already know, my sister just found out she's pregnant and to start off with was considering an abortion.I offered to pay(if she needed me too), come with her and for her to stay here while she recuperated.She did change her mind but I cannot imagine ever saying anything like that to her ever.

Grieve away honey:hugs::hugs:If you ever need to chat let me know.

[nemosmum]

thats awful hun:shame:
some people need a lesson in empathy and compassion:hugs:

[babylover111]

Absolutely. It is a form of loss and with all loss grieving is not only allowed but necessary.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[V8]

Thanks guys, Angelmist, i hope your sis is ok. Yeah, of all people i needed support most from was her. She also said other horrible stuff but not anything i want to remember really. She will never understand how hurt she made me.

Thanks again for letting me vent here, it's not something you can talk much about IRL.

[juzzy]

yes i think you are allowed to grieve.

I had a termination when i was 19 and not a day goes by that i dont think about that baby, even though i dont regret the decision that was made

[susmamma]

Because abortion is such a taboo subject it means women who have had one feel they cant talk about it openly, unlike say a miscarriage where you can express your sorrow in a public context (unless perhaps if it's an early miscarriage where you have concealed your pregnancy for the first 12 weeks which is obvioulsy for different reasons to a woman who has concealed her pregnancy because she plans to terminate.)

A long time ago I wrote an article for a magazine about the unsung grief of abortion. Until people stop being so judgemental, women who have abortions are stuck in this zone of silence, carrying their sorrow alone and sharing only with their closest confidants.

I often compare it to making the decision to leave a relationship. Just because you decide to end a relationship or finish a marriage doesnt mean that people expect you to be happy about it, even if it was your choice. Much the same in the case of an unplanned baby. Because you choose to end it, doesnt mean the decision was easy or that it makes you happy. Often it is quite the opposite.

Grieve as much as you can. Talk about it as much as you can and share your experience. I think it's so important for women to open up and support each other.

Love and hugs to you xx

[reAllytee]

Because abortion is such a taboo subject it means women who have had one feel they cant talk about it openly, unlike say a miscarriage where you can express your sorrow in a public context (unless perhaps if it's an early miscarriage where you have concealed your pregnancy for the first 12 weeks which is obvioulsy for different reasons to a woman who has concealed her pregnancy because she plans to terminate.)

A long time ago I wrote an article for a magazine about the unsung grief of abortion. Until people stop being so judgemental, women who have abortions are stuck in this zone of silence, carrying their sorrow alone and sharing only with their closest confidants.

I often compare it to making the decision to leave a relationship. Just because you decide to end a relationship or finish a marriage doesnt mean that people expect you to be happy about it, even if it was your choice. Much the same in the case of an unplanned baby. Because you choose to end it, doesnt mean the decision was easy or that it makes you happy. Often it is quite the opposite.

Grieve as much as you can. Talk about it as much as you can and share your experience. I think it's so important for women to open up and support each other.

Love and hugs to you xx


Well said :yelclap:

I still grieve for my baby & its been almost 7yrs. I even kept the u/s because i couldnt bear to part with it.

I got myself a little angel charm that i would wear on my necklace. I have actually stopped wearing it now not sure why maybe i feel thats how i need to move on, im not sure.

I always think having a little ritual or even just the planting of a plant or tree is the way anyone should say goodbye. Whether it be due to a loved on passing, a m/c or a termination. I think everyone has a right to it.

Lots of :hugs: :hugs:

[V8]

Thanks so much susmumma, that was so beautiful.

Hey Ally, i kept my ultrasound pic too, i am the same couldn't bear parting with it. It has the report saying how big the baby was and when i was due. I also kept the medical certificate of when i terminated. I just can't not acknowledge that it was part of my life.

:hugs: to all who have lost a baby whether it be from miscarriage or termination.


Well said :yelclap:

I still grieve for my baby & its been almost 7yrs. I even kept the u/s because i couldnt bear to part with it.

I got myself a little angel charm that i would wear on my necklace. I have actually stopped wearing it now not sure why maybe i feel thats how i need to move on, im not sure.

I always think having a little ritual or even just the planting of a plant or tree is the way anyone should say goodbye. Whether it be due to a loved on passing, a m/c or a termination. I think everyone has a right to it.

Lots of :hugs: :hugs:

[susmamma]

Thanks so much susmumma, that was so beautiful.


You're welcome honey.
I was just thinking about your comments about the psychic you saw.

About 3 months ago I got a psychic reading off ebay and she said to me that she saw a baby from a previous pregnancy that had not gone to term returning to me. I was really interested to see her bring up future children, firstly because my question to her had been about a book I was in the process of finishing writing and not about children at all and secondly because i'd only just had a baby the last thing on my mind was having another child.

I was allowed to ask her any questions I had in relation to the reading so I emailed her back and told her that I had terminated a pregnancy about eight years ago and I had also had a miscarriage. I wanted to know which baby she was referring to.

She wrote back that the baby I had aborted had already returned to me (I have two little girls). She said the miscarriage baby would return in the winter of 08.

I cant tell you how much I cried when I read that email. I truly thought I had done all the healing I needed to do with my abortion baby. Years and years and years I have devoted to forgiving myself and finding peace with my decision and not longing to hold that child in my arms. And now, when I thought there were no more emotions left to feel, a floodgate opened up. To know my baby had returned to me was such a beautiful thought. I never asked her which of my girls it was. I dont know, I guess because half of me didn't want to taint that relationship with the past. And the other half of me wants to email the psychic back and beg her to tell me which of my babies it was. I guess so I can hug her a little longer and whisper in her ear that I love her and tell her that I'm so so sorry.

[V8]

That's so nice susmumma, i know what you mean hey. It was sooo strange coming from a psychic and on two occasions she had said this and another different psychic lady said the same thing. But they didn't say that my baby had 'been returned to me' i would like to think it has though, or will in the future.

And hopefully we will both be blessed with as many babies as we desire and not feel guilty.

[BaDaBing]

Hi V8 :hugs: ,

I feel so sad that you to be going through such a sorrowful time :crying: .

I agree with susmumma, I think that your baby's soul would have been returned to you when your little man was born.

take care of yourself honey
xo

[Maloo]

Hi ladies,

I had an abortion almost 2 weeks ago. It was the most heartwrenching decision i have ever had to make.
I felt like i had to have some memory of this baby, so went out and bought myself a little necklace with a guardian angel charm on it so i can have the memory with me all the time.
For me, its still only a new thing and i'm still trying to come to terms with what has happened. In time it will be easier.

I think that no matter how you lost the baby, it is still a loss. We still feel sadness and upset even though we had a termination. Grieving is so important in the healing process.

[susmamma]

Hi ladies,

I had an abortion almost 2 weeks ago. It was the most heartwrenching decision i have ever had to make.
.

:hugs: to you.
xx

[V8]

Maloo, i feel your pain hun, it is such a terrible decision to have to make. :hugs: The Guardian angel necklace is a good idea.

[2cutekidz]

Oh god this i such taboo for me - I feel that I should delete this after writing it.

I fell pg when I was 17yrs with my now DH. The day I did the pg test I just cried and cried, absolutley sobbed! I so wanted that little baby and I loved it with all my heart but I just knew we weren't ready for that just then, I am sure if I had really wanted to go through with it DH would have went along with me but we knew we couldn't provide for the child the way that we wanted to.

I went ahead and had the termination and I silently grieved. DH did too. We told no-one. My baby would be 9 this year in August. And since I have had DD 6 mnths ago I believe the terminated baby would have been a girl due to the m/s that I had whilst pg for that short time. My then 16yr old cousin had a baby in the July before mine was due and her lifestyle is and has been a lot different to mine as a consequence but obviously neither better then the other - we all make our own choices.

All this time I thought that my grieving was not really justified as I was the one who got myself pg and then choose to have the termination, but yet I still grieved and continue to do so. Whenever DH and I talk about it (which is very rare as it still hurts so much) I get all teary. He has vowed that we'll never ever do it again no matter what. So the both times when I was pg with DS and DD I choose not to have any of the downs syndrome tests and the like done as I couldn't face having to make the decision to terminate.

The pain for me hasn't eased it's just simmered away quietly and I always wonder what if?

I have no idea if your baby's come back to you but it would be lovely to think that they do or that they stay with you.

So in answer to your question - yes it's alright to grieve, I just hope you have someone that understands how your feeling and allows you that liberty, I just wish it wasn't such a taboo for me.

[joz]

:hugs: of course you are allowed to greive no matter what the decision was bassed on to y u did terminate you are still allowed to grieve no matter what

[Kangaskippy]

No matter what your reasons or what you have gone through, you are certainly allowed to greave the loss of someone close to you...especially an unborn child.

:hugs: So sorry that you are going through such a sad experience.