New & Confused

[mel41974]

I'm new to this site and am glad for the help I have already recieved just by reading. I have a big problem and need help. I have a very difficult decision to make. I am 4 weeks pregnant to a married man who has 3 kids of his own. I know I should have never have fallen in love with him but too late now. I am having trouble deciding whether to keep this baby.

If I have this baby I will be doing it totally on my own, I will not be asking for any financial help from him at all. But I don't know if I can afford to do it on my own. Part of me wants this baby and the other part is scared to death. I have a large debt ($40000) I am currently paying off and I can't make the repayments without doing overtime at work, so my maternity leave won't be enough for me to live.

On one hand I am scared that if I don't have this child I will regret it for the rest of my life but on the other can I afford it and can I give this baby what it needs. Oh and to make this matter more difficult I have been Diagnosed with Polysistic Ovaries and was told I would probably never have kids. PLEASE HELP

[Mamaduke]

Only you can make this decision...you have mentioned that you won't be asking for anything from the father (financially), but you haven't mentioned what impact not having a father (emotionally and physically) around will have on the child.
Edited...I have edited this due to the realisation that it was facetious and uncaring...

[SweetSerenity]

Hi there
First off a big welcome!
What a drama...i am not qualified in anyway...so im just offering advice from my own opinion.
In many ways it would be easier for you not to have this baby, but at the same time you may not be able to have another.
You have to make the decision and see the pros and cons from both sides....would you want to bring a baby into this world that you may not be able to support financially or would you want to keep it seeing as this may be your only time to have one??? It's such a tough choice sweety...i cant say what to do or not to do...all i can say though as a married woman, i do feel sorry for his wife and children also!! :( As i assume they dont know whats gone on...so i think the actual situation you are in is wrong to begin with, but i guess there's no turning back!
Its your choice sweety....i dont think we know enough details to make judgement on what you should or shouldnt do!
All i can wish you is the best of luck in whatever you decide to do :)
Love and Light, Natalie xxx

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Hi Mel41974! How are you feeling? It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. I'm not the best at advice - some other mums on here are like personal therapists! - but I'll give it a go.

I think no one can decide on whether or not to have the baby except you. I know it's an oldie - but what about the old pros/cons list? What does your heart say. Just remember - what ever decision you make, it is the right one.

As to not asking for financial help, I don't know the rules in Sydney, but in Perth you can not apply for parenting payments with out applying for child support. You may be in a good work environment(?) but believe me, if you have the bubs and you are on your own, you want that payment. It cuts the cost of healthcare, bills, child care, medicine, etc.

I was a single mum for 2 1/2 years, and with a bit of part-time work (7.5 hrs a week), bub & I thrived. We had a nice little unit, a car and never seemed to really need for anything. However - Perth is soooo much cheaper than Sydney!

I know your decision will be hard, but what ever you decide, you have friends here who will support you without judgement:)

Good luck and big hugs to you.

[tyler's mum]

hey mel,,,
people may not have sympathy for woman who sleep with married men or understand why it happen,,, but the thing you have to remember its not about you now,, if you decide to have this baby, your life will change for the better or the worst?? you say your in debt a child need money i understand that... but why will you not ask the father for help financially???

its a big decision you have to make, no one can do it for you, im a single mum tyler will never know her father, however not for one second did i not think of having her, i wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide....

i also send you a pm

[Hokey Pokey]

Hi Mel
I really don't know what kind of advice to give, but I do believe that babies are give to us for a reason ;)
I would seek some professional help to get you through this.

[Refresh]

Hi:) Welcome to Bubhub and congratulations on your pregnancy!! I hope you find the support that you need here.

I hope you have this bubba...You CAN do it on your own and I am sure that you will be amazed at the amount of blessing this child brings into your life.

Good luck with everything:)

[Refresh]

but I do believe that babies are give to us for a reason

Totally Kristy! I believe that too:D

[whatwasithinking]

Mel
Hi and Welcome - I can't possibly imagine what it is like to be in your shoes - whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

CarlyB - Mel only asked for help - not to be judged/criticised.

[Mamaduke]

missunderstood...
fair enough, but I think the reason why she's so confused does have something to do with the fact that the father is married and has children, and that was my opinion on the matter.

[SweetSerenity]

Mel was just thinking, if you were told that your chances of falling pregnant were pretty much non existent, then take that into HUGE consideration...this bub is special already :) The fact that despite your condition you DID fall pregnant, maybe thats a sign in itself ;)
Love Nat xxx

[whatwasithinking]

missunderstood...
fair enough, but I think the reason why she's so confused does have something to do with the fact that the father is married and has children, and that was my opinion on the matter.

Carly B

All smiles :D

[mel41974]

I understand that a lot of women won't have any sympothy for me. Let me just say I am not a bad person and always felt guilty about what I did but I made a mistake and then couldn't end it.

I will not be asking for financial help from the father because to do that his family would find out and I think I have caused enough problems. The father said he would give me as much as he could but that wouldn't be much. But he's not the issue.

[SweetSerenity]

I really feel for you!
You obviously do regret what you did, and the fact that your not wanting to cause more problems is quite considerate considering alot of other women wouldnt give a toss....your obviously in no way a selfish person...and like you said, he's not the issue, its you and your bub....
Like i said before, your bub is already special in the fact that it's growing inside of you, do what feels right in your heart and mind :)
Nat xxx

[whatwasithinking]

I understand that a lot of women won't have any sympothy for me. Let me just say I am not a bad person and always felt guilty about what I did but I made a mistake and then couldn't end it.

Mel
Don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

[Biene]

I just wanted to add, that it takes 2 people to make a baby and the father is just as responsible for this baby as you are.

My mother raised my brother on her own, she decided to do it all on her own and I won't lie she did have tough times but I know that she never regretted having my brother.

I felt overwhelmed in the 1st weeks of my pregnancy, even though my baby was planned, I just didn't know how to process what was happening, what would happen in the future etc. I think you have a lot to think about, and I am sure there are counsellors out there who can help you process what is going on.

[mel41974]

When I was younger I didn't want children but as I'm getting older i have been thinking about it more and more but having been told that I wouldn't have them I never really gave it much thought.

I want to thank everyone for their support, it is amazing that you can get so much support from people you don't know

[Clio]

Before you make any decisions maybe it would be bet to see a financial advisor to see what can be done about your debt. I am sure there is a solution to your problem.

As some of the other ladies have mentioned, the father is just as responsible for the well-being of this baby, so the burden should not rest solely on your shoulders.

Good luck and I hope you will be happy with the decision you make.

:)

[moonblossom]

Firstly, STOP. The decision your going to make about the baby is going to last you a life time. You have PLENTY of time to decide what to do. Do not make the decision on fear, or what anyone else thinks, or about this cheating man, this is YOUR life and believe me, things may seem horrid now, but it will get easier. Just dont do anything rash because you afraid of making more mistakes.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them, but I truly believe a baby is NEVER a mistake. I've had many friends who have terminated because the curcumstances just "were not right" and regretted that decision.

I have been married, and been a single parent, and in my curcumstances I did all the work anyway so either way didnt make much difference to me.

And you say you may not be able to have any other children, OMG that is such a big factor to come into it. Would you really want to give up what may be your only opportunity at being a mommy?

As for the Man (if you can call him that) HE was the one that was married, HE cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant so HE can take responsiblity for it (sorry absolutely NO sympathy for cheating men!!!)

Good luck. Lots of us here are wishing you well.

[My3kids]

My thoughts are with you Mel, through this tough time. I was in my last year of cheffing when i found out i was 12 weeks pregnant, I had the same time thinking should I have this baby,how can afford this baby, and had a short time to decide, but than i thought well look this baby is here, It was ment to be, and for the affording a baby bit, I think if you had to wait till you can afford to have a baby you will never have one. I think i would be retired B4 we could afford one and than i think i still couldn't afford them LOL. Obviously the baby is ment to be, And I'm sure you would notice than generousity of people when they find out your pregnant. Look if you want I'm am happy to give you my baby Cot and baby stuff my baby should be out of it b4 your's is cooked! Any time you want to talk PM here. I'm a good listener.

Thinking of you

[Goosie22]

Here here, No sympathy for cheating men here either.:(

He knows what he was doing the same as you did, don't let him get off scott free. You have responsiblities to yourself and baby not to play victim. My nan had a saying YOU DO THE CRIME YOU DO THE TIME.

[Mummaof2]

Hi mel41974,

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. If you would like someone to talk to that know what you are going through please do not hesitat to PM me or email me at EmmaHewitt@hotmail.com.

[Melissa1983]

Hi Mel
Welcome to bubhub..

You can only make that decision. But i know in QLD, to claim family payment you do need to get him financially. You don;t have to do it, but child support do.

If i was in your shoes, i would have this baby, even though the i was going to be a single mum. I was with my first, and he didn't help out at all.. But if it different since he is married, but i wouldn't have got involved, but things happen that you can't change.

Does he know that you are pregnant? If not are you going to tell him before you do anything?

[*Chels*]

HI MEL
how are you? i feel for u in this situation.Firstly, i didnt plan my baby, and i still had doubts until he was born(was i doing the right thing??) but once i had him, i would never go back!!!i was 21 when i had him, i think thats young.luckily i have a great partner.we dont have alot of money but we still make sure riley has nice things.people drive me crazy when they want to be finacially secure b4 they have kids.who knows what will happen in the future???money isnt everything.
i know u dont want to cause problems for this married guy, but its his responsibility to support you fiancially, and even if his wife finds out, he knew he was playing with fire when he started the affair.no-one is to blame here, but he needs to stepup to his responsibility!!!i hardly grew up with a dad and i turned out ok!!
i say think about this situation hard, and maybe get some counselling??
children are blessings and i promise you that if you have this child you will not regret it-you will feel a love yyou never thought possible!!!good luck with everything!!!!:)

[xkwzit]

Hi Mel
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation and there are lots of wise and compassionate ppl here to support you. I don't mean to sound harsh - but I think you need to stop worrying about what is convenient for the father of your baby. You have so much to deal with when you only think about what is best for you and your baby - don't concern yourself about what is good for him. It may actually be the best thing for his family if they were to find out what he is really like, at least then they have a hope of dealing with their issues.

If you were to keep this baby, I think they might need at some point to know who their father is, wouldn't it be better earlier rather than 10 years from now? (I don't know, I am only suggesting - you know your situation best).

I've noticed that no-one has talked adoption. Could this be a solution for you? I think you have to at least consider it (even if only for 5 minutes :o ).

Cheers

[alindrina]

I don't have the right to tell you what to do Mel, but I really think you will regret it if you abort the baby. It's not the child's fault it was conceived. It would be a shame if you felt it had to die, although I do feel sorry for your situation and I would like to offer you any support I can.Do you have any family nearby to help?
I know financially things will be hard, but there is no end to peoples' kindness and generosity when they find out the position you are in.... a friend of mine is a single mother and she was raped and had a baby who was born of rape, but she is a wonderful mother and although times have been hard for her, she discovered an inner strength and her life has more meaning than it did before she had the baby. Her doctor encouraged her to abort but she decided not to, although it has been hard at times and she was harassed by the baby's father who raped her when they were in a relationship and took all her money.
I am full of admiration for single mothers and my own mother is a single mother. She had me at 18 and I am deeply grateful she didn't abort me.
I know you are a good person and I do not mean to criticise you: i hope you feel able to make your own decisions and feel able to express yourself freely to us on Bubhub, but I do personally feel it would be a shame if your baby died.
I am happily married with my fifth child on the way..... it would be very sad to be in your situation, but financially if you seek the advice of a financial counsellor, I'm sure you could repay your debt and it will be ok. I am married to a wonderful man who is hardworking but on a very low income, and I am staying at home to look after our children but I am proud to be able to manage and budget and be able to give our children all the necessities and a few treats. Most people on a low income would not even consider having five children, but I am happier with love from my kids than I would be without them.If I had aborted my first baby,how would I have felt if I had never been able to have any more?I was only 18 when I first conceived and had no money whatsover, but babies are a gift from God and in your case with your PCOS, it would be a tragedy and soul-destroying if you aborted this gift and were never be able to conceive again.
Don't be afraid of the future, as having a baby is a blessing beyond your imagining and a love that you don't want to miss out on. I strongly believe you will regret having an abortion, although it may be easier for you, but it is your own decision.
Love Fiona

[Pixie]

Wow life is really challenging you!
I have no idea what to say except I agree you have a little time on your hands first off so use it wisely. you and only you can make the ultimate choice. Good luck with what ever you decide and glad you found this forum hopefully someone can connect with you or that you seek some sort of help/resoultions from here :)

[Foxymoron]

(((hugs))) Mel...

Have you listened to what you want, above all financial needs and what others may think?

I allowed myself to be pressured by a partner into an abortion, years ago. I don't like to talk about it, at all............ and haven't before on this board.

This poem sums up my post abortive grief... I'm not sharing this to scare you, or to influence your opinion... But I will share so that you have a window into a pain that can't be shared, it's not like a miscarriage... It's a lonely grief and I wouldn't want to see anyone go through it... even the slightest doubt to me is a red light telling you to stop and think long and hard...

LETTING GO.

Inside me you lived.
For such a short time.
I gave my consent.
I committed a crime.

Life was a gift.
That you did not receive.
I loved you more.
Than you'd ever believe,

Talking to you,
As I turn out the light,
"I love you, you know?
I miss you. Goodnight."

Now you are living,
In a world up above.
I can't see you or touch you
But I give you my love.

The Angel up there,
Who's hand that you hold;
She'll be watching you for me,
Until it's my hand you hold.

I'll see you one day,
When we meet in the sky,
"This hello is forever,
Never again a goodbye."

The pain I remember,
Of letting you go.
I think of you always
I love you. You know?
*******


I can tell you from personal experience that although a clinic will "offer counseling" their idea of counseling is to say to you " Well Luv, your reasons for having a termination are the same as they were before you had it, and you just feel crappy now because of hormones."

Ask yourself if you feel connected to the little person inside of you?
Debts and money issues can always be worked out, or worked around... It's what's in your heart that hopefully will guide your decision.