Obnoxious 12 yr old

[Nikki_B]

My stepson is almost 12 and i've had to ban him from my house. I hate doing this because he ussed to be such a good kid. I've been involved with his father as either a friend or a partner since he was about 2.

Recently he has started to have problems at school and at home. He wouldn't go home from school and wouldn't let anyone know where he was. It doesn't help my mother in law doesn't discourage this behaviour. That was yet another argument where i told her to wake up to herself.

He has also becaome physically violent towards my oldest daughter who is 3, and the language that comes out of his mouth is disgusting. I have tried talking to his mother and her husband but I am treated like I'm not important and it has nothing to do with me by all parties (except for my partner, he has his head in the sand and doesn't want to admit there is a problem). I am the only person trying to find out what is going on in his head. I used to be the only person who he would confide in and now I can't get him to say a civil word to me.

I'm at my wits end and I feel terrible for banning him from seeing his sisters both because the girls adore him and because I know he needs help and I don't know where to start. Does anyone have any suggestions. How can I make everyone realise I'm just as important in this situation as anyone else?

[millymoo]

They seem to have forgotten what it is like for you to have small children that you want to protect.Obviously!Does he behave well for them?

How is your partner helping in this?

The age old answer is that he is jealous of the young ones.

DD1 displayed mild signs of this whenAmelia was born and she was 15! It shocked us. Nothing bad ...she was just distant.

is it possible to talk to him rationally? I know they are difficult...I have to repeat most things I say as teens don`t listen!

[Nikki_B]

He used to be good to talk too. He would tell me anyhting and most things he wouldn't tell his parents. Even after the girls were born I made as much time for him as I could. Mostly their father would get home from work and I'd take my stepson to the movies or bowling or something he enjoyed or we would just play the xbox for a couple of hours depending on what time it was.

His mother has a son who is 6 months older than Jacelyn who's 3. I wonder what he is doing to that little boy. Everyone is having problems with him. Parents, grandparents, school auntys and uncles are all refusing to have him.

All the problems started just before christmas and the only thing I can contribute to all this is his mother started working. He bounces from place to place when she's at work. We've spoken to him and he doesn't like that he doesn't see his mum and stepdad. That's still no excusef or hurting a 3 yr old.

[emilysmumma]

It's a difficult age for a boy. Hormones are starting to creep in and with his family situation he would be very confused trying to find his place in the world.
It still doesn't excuse how he is treating his younger sisters.
The only advice I have is I heard a radio program which did an interview on a NZ lady who worked in prisons. She has a book out called 'He'll be ok.: Growing gorgeous boys into good men" by Celia Lashlie.
Listening to her she has it all figured out on how boys think and how to get through to them at this time in their lives.
At this age they need male influences in their life more so than from their mum. So that may be why he is not responding to you reaching out to him.

I haven't read the book but I would highly recommend it just by listening to her speak on the radio for an hour.