need help loving a step child?

[YummyMummy1]

Need help :banghead:
having problems being loving to a step child, we have her 50% of the time, i have troubles liking her, she is :devil6:sneaky,spoilt, and acts like a baby the list goes on... there is so many reasons why i dont like her and i am the type of person who loves all children. is there something wrong with me ? or am i trying to force something that will never be there? i'm so confused its driving me mad!! :(
and i'm trying so hard to hide my feelings from my loving partner.

Please can anyone help, any advice please.:confused:

[MrsTwith3]

Blended families can be so hard and some what challenging at the best of times.
How old is your Step daughter? If she is only fairly young then her behaviour could possibly be from confusion or just trying to find her place within your family unit.
Maybe it might be an idea to speak to your DP so you can both sit down and go through the issues that are bothering you and try to come to some form of resolution with them. Maybe you and your DP need to set some "house" rules and consequenses for the breaking of said rules.
Not trying to offend you at all but are you giving this poor girl the chance for you to like her???? Think about how you would feel having to live 50% of the time in one place then have to go and live somewhere else the other 50% of the time. It would be hard on young kids.

[MummyCharmzy]

Blended families are not easy, my stepson lives with us I think its almost 90% of the time. i have been with my partner since he was 14 months though so we have bonded well, it did take work though. He is turning 6 this year.

How old is your stepcihld? Can you spend one on one time with her, this really helps my relationship with my stepson. If you can find an activity you both enjoy that could be really beneficial, or take her on a special outing, from what you've said Im guessing shes not a toddler so she would be old enough to enjoy trips to places like the museum, zoo, scienceworks etc... and you would probably enjoy that too (I always do!)

Just an idea :)

Do you read with her? I read with Alex every day and that is special time for us, yes we get interrupted by the other kids and often they want to hear the story too but it is still bonding time.

I hope your relationship with her improves soon. If you want to chat just pm me :)

[EmsMum72]

My ex's daughter lived with us from the age of 4 until I left my ex (the daughter was 10). As awful as it sounds, I couldn't stand her. I tried so hard to love her but I guess I was resentful of her?? In saying that, most of my problems with her were because of her dad. He was rarely home (either working or at the pub) and I was always stuck at home with Amanda (the daughter). It's my own fault for putting up with it for so long, but I was so angry at him and I think I took it all out on Amanda. She and I spent alot of time together, went on 'outings', to the movies, I read to her and helped her with homework etc. and considering everything she was going through, she was a good kid. It's always hard to love someone elses kids, especially when you have kids of your own. I really don't know what advice to offer you apart from what the other ladies have said. It's hard for you, but as MrsTwith3 said it's also very hard and such a confusing time for kids so be patient. All the best :hugs:

[Blessed Mum]

Need help :banghead:

and i'm trying so hard to hide my feelings from my loving partner.

Hi, I know I've only quoted part of ur post but thats because this is what really stood out to me. You say you need help but you are trying to hide your feelings about your partner's daughter from your partner. Can I ask why? I think you need to tell him how your feeling & why because caring for her 50% of the time is a lot & if your struggling to love her she will know it in one way or another. How old is she? I am not trying to be short with you here as I am a step-mother too & I do know how hard it is :hugs:

I hope there is some positive steps for all of you soon :)

[YummyMummy1]

Need help :banghead:
having problems being loving to a step child, we have her 50% of the time, i have troubles liking her, she is :devil6:sneaky,spoilt, and acts like a baby the list goes on... there is so many reasons why i dont like her and i am the type of person who loves all children. is there something wrong with me ? or am i trying to force something that will never be there? i'm so confused its driving me mad!! :(
and i'm trying so hard to hide my feelings from my loving partner.

Please can anyone help, any advice please.:confused:



she is turning 7 this week, we spend lots of time together we have ponies and i'm teaching the kids to ride. She is the oldest my other kids are 5,4 (from previous relationship) and 11 months (with my current partner) all boys.

Its not that i hate SD (step daughter) its just somthing about her does'nt sit right, she's the best behaved out of all the kids (when she's here) at her mums house she is different (very naughty,never does what she is asked) she is not to bad here but are rules are very strict (in a loving way) and i dont take any nonsence from the kids.

I say this in the nices possible way as all god's children are beautiful but...she is small for her age, very skinny, pale and weak with ears that stick out, bucked teeth and wild thick boffy hair she is always looking like no one owns her, this is mainly due to her mother just not giving a **** about how she presents herself or her daughter, but since she has been with me i have managed to fix her hair the best i can and encouage better personal hygine and general care as well as a sence of style, we go shopping alot! she has the best of everything over here so many clothes that some have not been worn yet. i take her to dance lessons, gymnastic lessons, netball training and horse ridding. But i am still dread the thought of her comming over, there is always more tension in the home when she is here, mainly with her dad, she always acts different when he is around (but thats a whole lot of different problems)

any way appreciate all your help.

[JorBai]

Im not in your situation so I cant really help you that much. However, it might be a good idea to discuss the reasons why you feel this way with your partner. If she is behaving like a spoilt brat then maybe she needs some discipline and your partner needs to know.

Good Luck and :hugs: to you, hope it gets easier.

[MummyCharmzy]

You definitely need to talk to your partner about this. She is just a child, perhaps you need to look at things from her point of view. :S This won't be easy on her either and if you don't like her as much as you seem to dislike her then she wil be picking up on this and you'll have little chance of making a good relationship with her while its like this.

Its not fair on her to have to live somewhere she isn't loved and treated equally too, I hope you can sort something out.

[YummyMummy1]

Hi, I know I've only quoted part of ur post but thats because this is what really stood out to me. You say you need help but you are trying to hide your feelings about your partner's daughter from your partner. Can I ask why? I think you need to tell him how your feeling & why because caring for her 50% of the time is a lot & if your struggling to love her she will know it in one way or another. How old is she? I am not trying to be short with you here as I am a step-mother too & I do know how hard it is :hugs:

I hope there is some positive steps for all of you soon :)

thanks for your feed back. she is 7.
i would love to tell my partner how i feel, but he is a very difficult person to talk to i have tried in the past but he gets so defensive and angury i have always had trouble talking to him, and i'm not the only person everyone we know has trouble talking to him, he is the type of person that will say how he feels no problems but will not listen to anyone else, and when he does listen he always misinterprets what your saying. so this is why i am seeking advice from bubhub, i hope things do get better i really love my partner he has so many other good qualities.

[Roopee]

she is turning 7 this week, we spend lots of time together we have ponies and i'm teaching the kids to ride. She is the oldest my other kids are 5,4 (from previous relationship) and 11 months (with my current partner) all boys.

Its not that i hate SD (step daughter) its just somthing about her does'nt sit right, she's the best behaved out of all the kids (when she's here) at her mums house she is different (very naughty,never does what she is asked) she is not to bad here but are rules are very strict (in a loving way) and i dont take any nonsence from the kids.

I say this in the nices possible way as all god's children are beautiful but...she is small for her age, very skinny, pale and weak with ears that stick out, bucked teeth and wild thick boffy hair she is always looking like no one owns her, this is mainly due to her mother just not giving a **** about how she presents herself or her daughter, but since she has been with me i have managed to fix her hair the best i can and encouage better personal hygine and general care as well as a sence of style, we go shopping alot! she has the best of everything over here so many clothes that some have not been worn yet. i take her to dance lessons, gymnastic lessons, netball training and horse ridding. But i am still dread the thought of her comming over, there is always more tension in the home when she is here, mainly with her dad, she always acts different when he is around (but thats a whole lot of different problems)

any way appreciate all your help.




Umm im sorry but this last post of yours is really disturbing to me. I have no idea what her appearance has to do with anything? Why would you even need to write that?

when it all comes down to it-your the adult in this-so you need to fix the way you feel about it.
It sounds like you resent this little girl for her relationship with her father.
Yep-step families are hard but if your partner has children to another woman then those children are part of your partner and you need to treat them as such. I feel sorry for this little girl, who sounds like her time with her mother is less than ideal and then she hs to go to her fathers and be resented and judged. I hope she has someone in this world who loves her for who she is.

[spoon]

It is not easy to be a step mum. there are a lot of difficult emotions that go on, I know.

:hugs: I dont think you are a bad person at all, you are obviously not comfortable with the emotions you feel, otherwise you would not ask about it on a public forum.

Honey, you have her 50% of the time so you can help her with things but it seems to me that you have some unresolved emotion about the mother and your hubby and it has nothing to do with your little step daughter.

I think you do love her but yoiu are not "allowed" to feel the way you do about the above named people, therefore your relationship with stepdaughter is taking the toll.

How do you feel about the mother????

I dont think any of us should be judging you.

[YummyMummy1]

thank for your help Roopee. No in dont think her apprence has much to do with it just trying to get some thoughts out of my head and onto paper to make some sense out of things she is shown lots of love over here, but i'm sure she picks up on some of my feelings although i do hide alot, know one knows how i feel they would never guess i feel this way, my father has been staying with us for a while now and not even he know or can tell, so i'm glad i'm able to hide these bad thoughts and feelings but i know i can't hide or run from them forever.

[spoon]

thank for your help Roopee. No in dont think her apprence has much to do with it just trying to get some thoughts out of my head and onto paper to make some sense out of things she is shown lots of love over here, but i'm sure she picks up on some of my feelings although i do hide alot, know one knows how i feel they would never guess i feel this way, my father has been staying with us for a while now and not even he know or can tell, so i'm glad i'm able to hide these bad thoughts and feelings but i know i can't hide or run from them forever.


How do you feel about the ADULTS involved????

The mother, your hubby, does she have a partner
????

THis could have EVERYTHING TO DO with the situation...

[YummyMummy1]

It is not easy to be a step mum. there are a lot of difficult emotions that go on, I know.

:hugs: I dont think you are a bad person at all, you are obviously not comfortable with the emotions you feel, otherwise you would not ask about it on a public forum.

Honey, you have her 50% of the time so you can help her with things but it seems to me that you have some unresolved emotion about the mother and your hubby and it has nothing to do with your little step daughter.


I think you do love her but yoiu are not "allowed" to feel the way you do about the above named people, therefore your relationship with stepdaughter is taking the toll.

How do you feel about the mother????

I dont think any of us should be judging you.



Thank you for your reply.....i had tears in my eyes reading it, it seems a few things you said have hit home. Thank you for your proseptive on this difficult subject.

[misskittyfantastico]

I can only imagine the challenges and struggles of blended families. Have you looked into finding a cousellor that YOU could talk to, maybe to help to work through your feelings. I've had counselling at various times and it can be such a relief to able to spill your guts without fear of being judged and with someone who is totally on your side.

I hope that you are able to find some resolution soon:hugs:

[YummyMummy1]

In the last 4 months i have been talking to the mother alot, i spend quite a bit of time over the mothers house as she only lives around the corner, we talk alot and she seems like a nice person to my face but i dont think she says many nice things about me behind my back (not that this bothers me) i will be nice to her and i do like her no matter what she says. We have good talks together so i think our relationship is going well. i dont agree with some of the things she dose and some times we talk about them and i have noticed some things change for the better.
she has a partner, i dont really like him but i dont dislike him either, he has always seemed very weird and a bit creepy to me and my partner.

[YummyMummy1]

I can only imagine the challenges and struggles of blended families. Have you looked into finding a cousellor that YOU could talk to, maybe to help to work through your feelings. I've had counselling at various times and it can be such a relief to able to spill your guts without fear of being judged and with someone who is totally on your side.

I hope that you are able to find some resolution soon:hugs:


i have wanted to go to a counselor but we just cant afford it. i do go to a womans church group every week but have not had the courage to talk to anyone about it...........yet

[misskittyfantastico]

i have wanted to go to a counselor but we just cant afford it. i do go to a womans church group every week but have not had the courage to talk to anyone about it...........yet

*Sending big courage vibes your way*:hugs:

[korahblue]

I know how hard it can be to make a blended family work. My son was 5.5 when I met my now DH. He tried very hard to make friends with my son but got very frustrated and angry as he is a shy kid and wont talk to people he doesnt know. DH took this personally and couldnt understand why it was taking DS so long to adjust. I did my best to explain that kids can sometimes take that long to adjust to change and tried to help them get along. Now a year and a half later the two are great friends and it fills my heart with happiness to see them getting along so well. I've tried to think of some things we did that might help your situation:

Let your partner know how you are feeling, even if you write it in a letter to him or something. It makes it so much easier if you are both on the same page

Agree with your partner on some basic rules about behaviour that is expected from her and be consistent with it. This was one of the hardest things for us as our parenting styles are quite different and it took a lot of compromise from both of us. We even discussed what type of rewards/discipline would be given for good & bad behaviour with a much bigger emphasis on rewarding good behaviour. In your chats with her mum you might like to mention this aswell and see if you can find some common ground with her. Kids love routine and consistency especially if there is a lot of change going on

Can you give her some responsibility around the house when she is there. We made it our sons job to feed the 2 cats every night and although he didnt like it at first it has really helped him to feel part of the family as we talk alot about how each of us has a responsibility in making our family work.

Find 1 thing you really like about her and let her know. By focusing on the positive it will help to get over any negatives and you might find more things that you like.

If she likes dolls or something similar, try role playing with them or make up a story together to help her talk about her feelings. You could start by saying something like 'i like it when you stay with us because....' and encourage her to try and express what she feels.

Kids find it really hard to explain their feelings [and adults too sometimes] and i think it can be very frustrating for them. Her misbehaviour might be a way of helping her to feel in control of the whole situation. Sorry, if im sounding like bit of a social worker here, I get it from my mum lol

I really wish you all the best with your step-daughter. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat :hugs:

[squidge]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Hugs to you and your beautiful step daughter.

Poor things, it sounds as if you are both in the middle of dad(your DP) and mum.

He needs to listen to your needs and concerns, just as much as he needs to listen to his daughter as well.

Sounds as if you do have a wonderful time with her. I guess it would be nice for your DP to spend this time with you guys too. Am I right in saying this?

[mellyg]

:wave: Hi Yummymummy, as so many people have already said, blended families can be difficult for everybody to adjust.. I have two children from a previous marriage and when my DP and I got together my daughter was not very accepting of other men in my life.. This was due to the wonderful relasionship that she has with her father.. She did not want another father and still could not completely understand why mummy and daddy could not live together.. But my DP was very understanding of her feelings and told her that he just wanted to be her friend and would always be there if she wanted anything.. We have now been together for 3 years and they get along really well together and she loves her new little sister that she has to mother.. I think that these things just need time.. You cant always love everyone you meet, but over time and with an open mind the love you have for your DP should transfer over to his daughter as she is a part of him.. I think an open mind and seeing her for who she is on the inside rather than the outside will do wonders for you.. She sounds like she is a good kid.. Remember that at the age of 7 she cant be blamed for how she looks.. Open your heart and let her in.. You sound like a loving step mom.. You sound like you do lots for her.. As other people have said maybe the issues are with the adults not her.. Maybe get them sorted and then you can love her as if she were your own.. Good luck I hope it works out for you..:thumbsup:

[scorpio83]

You said that you have two kids from a previous relationship. Try looking at it from the other side. How would you feel if your DP had those feelings for your kids? I'm sure you'd want to try to sort out the situation for the sake of your children. Sounds like the best option, even if he is hard to talk to. Just try to make sure it's a discussion, not an arguement. Good luck!:hugs:

[Sandra/Paul]

Hi,

I would just like to add my bit here.

I am in a similar situation to you except mine is a foster daughter not a step daughter.

You described her appearance and it hits spot on with my FD. Doesnt matter how hard you try to help fix the personal hygene / appearance problem, they always seem to look the same 5 minutes later. It was said that appearance shouldnt matter - I agree but also disagree. I myself have problems in getting along with my FD for this exact reason and she is nearly 13 but with a developmental level of a 3 - 6year old and a social skills level of a 6 year old (according to her CAMHS worker). It is hard trying to give someone a hug who looks like they have just climbed out of the rubbish tip (harsh words I know, but its just a figure of speech).

She also tends to act differently around my husband to myself. This is due to her neglect as a younger child / baby. (Being raised by one parent). I have a lot of behavioural problems with her that others dont have - hence the help of the CAMHS worker.

My heart reaches out to you as I know how hard it is. When you try to talk to someone about it, they knock you down as if its your problem and not the childs problem (thats what happens with my husband and myself). It can be very frustrating. Yes one answer could be - get rid of the child, but is that really the answer. NO. These children need our help, so we have to be strong for them - its an extremely hard path to follow but Im sure we could follow it together as we are in similar circumstances.

As I read other responses, I have read a few that seem to bite. Its not that easy people, and I say that in the nicest way. So please be gentle with yummymummy as she has a hard enough problem to deal with already.

Im here for you when ever you need to talk or to have a shoulder to lean / cry on.

Take care of yourself

[kelpat]

Hi, I must start off by saying your experience sounds very much like mine. I have 2 step children, my step daughter was 5 when my DH and I got together and she was a very difficult and spoilt child. I wanted so much to be a good mother to them both so I threw myself right into the role. But as you know being a mother to someone elses child is not easy.
My DS behaviour improves over time and she became a delight to care for. But the relationship between us was still difficult. I don't think she resented me for being with her father, she did seem to resent her mother cause she put more focus on her new boyfriends than her children.
We tried all being friends but it did not work as my DH's ex would put the pressure on me if she wanted something from him.
The hardest part for me was putting all this effort into raising these kids and then having to give them back to there mother. When it's your own children you love them no matter what but with step children you are constantly reminded that they are not yours to keep and love is hard to turn on and off. But saying goodbye on a regularl basis makes building a strong relationship extremely difficult.

I found making most of the disciplin my DH's responsibility made it a bit easier. I still loved them and was a mother in all the ways I could but their father had to be the parent.
We have been together for 9 years now and my relationship with my stepchildren is very strong. Now that they are older they come to me with most of their problems, I think because they know I will help them through without being the bad guy and getting mad.
The oldest is now 18 and lives with us fulltime and is one of my best friends.
My stepdaughter is 14 and very special to me , we have been through alot together and built a strong relationship that I don't think we would have if it hadn't started with such difficulty.
Their mother on the other hand we have nothing to do with, trying to be friends with her was not good for any of us, it was easier for the kids if we kept things seperate.
when they stayed at their mothers she would be constantly critisising us and the choices we made, and always insulting their father.
So when the kids were with us, they were with us and their mother was not mentioned unless they wanted to talk about her. I think that helped the kids relax more in our home, there is less stress for them when there here. They know they are loved here.
Relationships take time but I'm sure you will get there, just focus on one day at a time.
PM me if you like , it would be great to talk to someone who understands blended famillies.
Kel:wave:

[pegasus]

Hi Yummymummy

As others have agreed (and I will too) it's very hard. It's hard to always be putting the children's needs and feelings before yours. When it's your own children, and they have been brought up with your values and expectations, it's more likely they will treat you in a manner expected. With children from another relationship they may be coming from a completely different level.

When another house has a completely different level of discipline used and different values, it screws with the kids' heads and then with our frustration levels....

There are so many times I want to scream with the frustration (and seeming unfairness) of the fact that I can't go around and say - "look - how you've been brought us is entirely wrong - you need to give other people respect, not take things for granted, etc etc"

However, what stops me is that I know I can't burden any of my frustrations onto the children. I know hubby is more frustrated with the situation than I am, so doesn't want to talk about it, so I end up venting to friends (some of you know who you are LOL).

Some days are easier than others, all I can say is I signed up for this over the long haul, but I hope and pray when these children are adults that we have given them the tools needed so that they are well adjusted adults (even with the fact that our face to face contact is only 10% of the time).

I guess one way you can view it (it's the way I view it sometimes, so I can look to the future) is that we are raising (or helping to raise) adults, not children. They are just given to us as children.

[odijay]

I understand your feelings totally - I harbour major resentment of one of my step daughters - she is the sweet stupid one and I can't stand the sight of her.

I know it is wrong and I beat myself up constantly for it, I have spoken to DH about it and he just clams up. He needs me to look after his kids and he sees his job is to step into background and let stuff take its course.

This particular child is actually very cute, but I see her as stupid, ugly and totally no-hope future.

I believe it is because everyone tried to force me to like them early on, and the more I tried, the more I felt undermined by grandparents & their mum.

I have four girls to look after mine 90% of the time, his 50% of the time. Two are almost 11, and two have the same first name! It is bedlam here and I think I'm going crazy. I dread the arrival of his kids.

[Hilja]

:hugs: :hugs: hey.. i soo know wat u are going through, my dss was a hand full..his soon 8 yrs and he is so much better..it was very hard at times.. But it will get better..Keep your house rules coz kids need rules..Dont give up.
My dss is very helpful now, he listens, he is not selfish anymore, hes not too spoilt (his mums house sometimes)..now i love getting him new stuff coz he appreciates everything better..Just stay positive.kids will be kids, but they won't be kids forever.:hugs:

Hilja

[myprecious]

hey there
I have found that the www.stepfamily.asn.au forum to be incredibly helpful over the years.
I think being a stepmother is harder than any outsider could ever know. I was so naive going into it but have found that Bub hub and the above site to be great support. Even if its just reading other peoples stories.
Take care and all teh best. I hope you can find some common ground with your skids to work from.
Meg

[doubleeangels]

I have a step daughter who I really struggle to accept even after nearly 8 years. If I am honest - she has the personality of her mother who is really not a very nice person at all - she complains and gossips and is one of the most selfish people I have ever come across in my life (the mother that is). Early on I tried so hard to make things work - she had really bad self esteem so I booked her in to have her hair done and get a facial and then take her shopping for some clothes and she threw a HUGE tantrum like a 2 year old would make and I had to drive her home. We bought heaps of clothes for hubby's daughter only to have them sent back because "mum doesn't want them". I used to invite her when me and the girls used to get together but it all got too hard as she was never happy and would always be "take take take". I even got her a job which lasted 2 days because she didn't want to catch the train. I sent her flowers when she passed her driving test only to hear on the grape vine that she sniggered at them. It all got too hard and I eventually just gave up trying to be nice to her - all she did was backstab and b*tch about me and hubby. Her daughter is becoming the same and both me and hubby don't enjoy the time she is here with us - neither of us can relax (we have since had our own 2 children) and we have tried so hard but we just feel so estranged. We both feel like she reminds us of her mum so much and no doubt negative images of us have been put in her mind. I would never be a step parent ever again - it is such hard work and people are always so quick to point out what you are doing wrong. We also resent paying over $600 per month in child support when the mother doesn't do anything with that money for the child. (She is 12 and still doesn't know how to swim) - the only holiday's she has ever been on is when we have taken us and she wears clothes from lifeline - it is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I can't really offer any advice expect that is great to know that your feelings are abnormal and doesn't mean you are a bad person.:hugs:

[hippee]

I am sitting here nearly in tears with some of the posts here. I have been that step child and they know what you think of them. How awful for those kids.

[Angelmist♥]

I am sitting here nearly in tears with some of the posts here. I have been that step child and they know what you think of them. How awful for those kids.

:hugs::hugs:hippee.