Tantrums Of Mcenroe Proportion

[Supermum]

HELP PLEASE

I have two children. One two years (boy) and the other 9 and a half months (girl). My son has always been sensitive and what people call an active and challenging boy. Whilst I am very aware of normal toddler behaviour, the tantrums of my son have reached new levels. They rival anything I've ever seen in a shopping centre - hitting, screaming, swearing (yes that's right - perfectly executed and used in context), kicking. So I consulted the experts and used the impassive approach along with fast diversion. It's hard to throw a tantrum when you have no audience. I've been using this approach now - not rewarding the behaviour with any attention for about two weeks and just wondered if anyone else had been through the same thing. How long does it take? I work full time and my husband studies full time. Both kids are in daycare and enjoy it immensely (I would prefer that he didn't bring the colourful language home though). I start work very early so I can be home in the early afternoon for both of my children. He gets alot of really good quality attention as I am with them until they go to bed. We have a happy, stable and nurturing family life.
HELP NEEDED FOR A NOT SO SUPER MUM.

(can someone pse tell me how i reply to each message?) :confused:

[Elfin]

Hi and welcome to bubhub. My son was pretty good at throwing tantrums. I just used a zero tolerance policy with the tantrums as soon as they started I put him in his room with the microwave timer on. He wasn't allowed to come out until it beeped. I found after a couple of days of doing this, by being consistent and strong we had fewer tantrums.

I think it comes down to personality, some kids have a short fuse. They have to know it is ok to be angry but have to be taught the right and wrong way to express it. Don't forget to give lots of praise when your child is good and doesn't throw the tantrums even give occasional treats.

My niece was the queen of tantrums. After witnessing one of hers, I am convinced all other children are just mere amatuers :D She was full on and they would last for hours. Her mum just ignored her which worked best in that situation as they were about getting attention. Basically she outgrew them and is 9 now and a really lovely girl.

Good luck
Easterlily :)

[Ivy-Rose]

Hello,
I can sympathize with you. And I realise it isn't always possible to handle the situation the way you would like. I am a mum of 3 now but I was a nanny for many years and one child I looked after she was a queen for tantrums. Without fail when we entered a public place she was on. I had to use the walking away approach but only to the next isle so I could still see her and she couldn't see me.
This worked a treat as oh no where is Emma you could see the look on her precious face. Within moments of seeing the look I would approach her as if nothing had happened and say lets go things for us to do.
The only problem with this was that I had a few people comment on how nausty I was and that I should pick her up and console her. Yeah Right. I would just ask them very nicely If they were here to shop if so please do it.
I know this probably isn't much help. But I did find the ignoring thing with her and even my own children worked most of the time.
Good Luck.
Emma

[Lallas' Mum]

I too have a young boy (16 1/2 months) who has discovered the art of trantrums. When he starts I simply ingnore his behaviour. I still keep an eye on him but I go about my business. During some of his longer episodes I will occasionally offer a hug to calm him down. If he refuses the hug I let him keep on with his trantrum and continue with my tasks. But if he's had enough of being "silly" he will hug me back and all is well. This way he knows I am only ignoring him because of his behaviour and not because I don't love him.

Being two and "sensitive" to use your words your son may respond to the happy face/sad face technique. This is where you have a picture of a smiley face for when you are happy with his behaviour (usually displayed on a fridge door) and a sad face for when his behaviour is not acceptable. When a tantrum starts you simply display the sad face and explain that Mummy gets upset when he behaves in such a way. Then continue about your day (ignoring the trantrum) and when he has calmed down you simply change the face back to a smiley face and thank him for not acting up anymore. Try not to make a huge deal when you change the faces over though. Just give a simple reason why the face, whichever it may be, is being changed. You could also use the face if the bad language is used separate to the trantrum.

It will highly depend on your child as to whether it works or not. But the key is to try (somehow) to keep your cool. And if your heading out just remember most children throw trantrums at some stage or other and don't get too disheartened.

[Mealsye]

When my nephew was 2 he would behave exactly as you descrided but shopping centres were worst. It ended up he has a bad ear problem. Could your son have an ear infection?

[Sophie & Will's Mum]

I have a two year old (girl) and 11mth(boy), just recently my daughter started with the same tantrums and I tried the technique of diversion, completely changing the subject, jumping up really surprised and 'looking for the dog that just ran by' or looking for that lizard that ran under the door! If this fails and the tantrum gets bigger then I pick her up and plonk her in her room, telling her that when you finish being silly you can come out. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't...not much help I know but I have realised that the tantrums seem to get worse because of two things, firstly she is getting her 2 yo molars and they are driving her mad, pulling at her mouth all the time. I know we are going to have a bad day if she has the hand in the mouth in the morning. And secondly, recent jealousy of her brother, because they are 15 mth apart, she hasn't really had the jealous thing happen until recently.
I try to keep her busy throughout the day, (completely wearing me out but better than a screaming kid) painting when brother is in bed, going to the park to run around, playgroup, playing downstairs in the sandpit. I have had to put being a proud house keeper on hold and just concentrate on being a Mum, giving lots of attention. A change of priorities has really helped just this last week, takes a little more effort on my part and the husband has had to help a little more around the house but seems to be paying off, plus I feel a little less frazzled trying to get everything done and just focus on her and her tantrums.... I am not one of these out there Mums that speak softly and pander to the little ones needs- I am just a normal Mum that loses her cool, smacks when deserves and cries on my hubbys shoulder after an out of control day!! But after all, I have a job as a full time Mum and this is my priority at the moment.
Hope this helps, I have tried to be more 'compasionate' and 'gentle' with her keeping in mind she is feeling put out and has a sore mouth.
I don't know how to reply either my email is
jrsw@bigpond.com.au

[willsmum]

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[cwsmum]

I also have a 2yr old, although we don't really have a problem with tantrums, just a very independant little man :) When I ask him to stop doing something, he almost always says no, so I explain why he can't/shouldn't be doing it, then give him something else to do. If that doesn't work hes screams a bit, nothing as bad as you are dealing with, but I sit him on the beanbag in the lounge room and turn off the tv/radio and tell him to stay there until he is ready to listen to me. If i leave the room he has to come see me before he can go play again. This usually works for him, he has started to listen to me more lately and seems to understand when I explain why he can't do things.
He has also started sitting his teddy on the beanbag and telling teddy things like 'stay there' and don't move', like we tell him when he is sitting there :D Very cute, but also making us think about how we speak to him :D

[sharyn]

I'm sure you've had heaps of advice.I havn't read it all so sorry if I'm repeating what someone esle said. My daughter is a little younger than your son but she started having tantrums when she was about one year old. I did what all the books said to do and ignored her. She ended up with a huge bruise on her forehead from banging her head on the ground. I tried to be quick with the pillows but she usually got one or two good hits in. This was really scary especially at her young age. After about two weeks I mentioned to a friend of the family who is a child psychologist and he said never, never ignore them when they are upset. He told me to sit with her and try to explain that she is feeling frustrated etc and thats ok blah blah. So I put my calm voice into action and from that day she has never had a tantrum since. She has gotten cranky and voiced her displeasure but after talking to her and giving her a little attention she is fine. She is a little younger though so it may not work with your son. Apparently leaving them alone just makes them more anxious and scared, and is likely to led to continuing problems. All I can say is that it worked for me even though I felt a bit odd trying to explain emotions to a 12 month old girl who couldn't even talk. I think they are much smarter than we give them credit for or at least what I gave her credit for.

[mamafelix]

Two books that have really helped me with 'difficult' behaviour and how to deal with it-
'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' (might be out of print but a lot of libraries have it)
and the best if your child is of a challenging nature:
"How to raise your spirited child' by Shirley Kurchinka (sp??) which should be available in big bookstores.

Both are respectful of children as individuals but give you many strategies for avoiding and defusing conflicts with your child.
personally avoiding the conflict is theway I go- I find that when Felix is tired or hungry he's much more likely to implode- so I give food, and quiet time a go if things are heading towards conflict. I try to remember that I'm the adult and I can choose where or not to react- but this can be really TOUGH at times.
Also certain settings are much more likely to set him off- supermarkets are a good example- I try and avoid these places as much as possible and especially if he's tired or hungry!

Acknowledging their emotions can be a great defuser too- just saying - I know you're sad/frustrated/angry/disappointed right now because such and such happened. Try not to add a 'but...' or whatever, maybe calm the situation by having a routine of some physical action for each emotion- like if you're sad, give me a hug, if you're angry stamp your feet and sing out loud- basically teach them acceptable ways to release that particular emotion. Think about how you release your own emotions, and how you'd like your child to and teach them strategies to cope.

yeah sounds easy, but just try it when you're steaming mad too! Well- parenting is a learning process, I take it one day at a time!