LoopyLyndaLou
30-04-2007, 13:36
This time four years ago I was grieving for yet another baby lost. 4 1/2 years ago we said goodbye to our son who was stillborn, our little Thomas. We were told it was 'just one of those things' and told to try again. The pain was unbearable but try again we did and three months after we said goodbye to Thomas we welcomed a new pregnancy.
I say 'welcomed' when really we 'terrifyingly entered', it was such a stressful time and I could never relax and believe I was going to get to keep this baby, well I was right. At 11 weeks I bled a scan revealed exactly what had happened early in Thomas' pregnancy, my uterus was a mass of blood and clots, the only thing that was not full of blood was the sac with my little baby in it. He was there as happy as larry.
I was told that the pregnancy only had one outcome, the baby would be born prematurely due to the conditions inside, too prematurely to live and whilst I sat in hospital waiting for that to happen there was a very high chance that i too would die due to blood loss.
I believed them as this is exactly what happened with Thomas, severe bleeding. long term hospital stay, blood transfusions etc and after all that he still died, my body failed him.
We had no choice this time, I could not risk my two living boys losing their mother and having to go through me not being around etc, it was too much. Had it just been me to consider i would have continued with the pregnancy and waited to see what happened and hope against all hope this time it would work out, but I could not do that. I had already missed my eldest boys first weeks at big school, I had missed out so much whilst in hospital and during my deepest grief.
We made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, 12 weeks in, this happed on April 29th 2003 almost exactly six months after Thomas died (28th Oct 02). I hate myself for the decision I made, it goes against everything i believe in as there was nothing life threateningly wrong with my little one, he was just caught up in an environment which would kill him eventually, I had to consider the whole picture and do what was best for everyone, not just me and my little baby.
A lot of my grief is focussed on Thomas, I guess because it is more tangible. I had a labour, I gave birth, I got to hold him and kiss him and talk to him, I actually got to say goodbye. It is so much more different with 'Little Frankie'. as we affectionately call him. I feel the grief but I am alone, no one else mentions him, no one else lights a candle for him, it is like he is my secret little man. I am ok with that but I do need people to know that I love him so much and miss him so much. He was going to make things better after one of our darkest times but instead we got to lose him too.
Its funny, time passes but memories and the pain never do.
Sleep tight Little Frankie
Lynda x
I say 'welcomed' when really we 'terrifyingly entered', it was such a stressful time and I could never relax and believe I was going to get to keep this baby, well I was right. At 11 weeks I bled a scan revealed exactly what had happened early in Thomas' pregnancy, my uterus was a mass of blood and clots, the only thing that was not full of blood was the sac with my little baby in it. He was there as happy as larry.
I was told that the pregnancy only had one outcome, the baby would be born prematurely due to the conditions inside, too prematurely to live and whilst I sat in hospital waiting for that to happen there was a very high chance that i too would die due to blood loss.
I believed them as this is exactly what happened with Thomas, severe bleeding. long term hospital stay, blood transfusions etc and after all that he still died, my body failed him.
We had no choice this time, I could not risk my two living boys losing their mother and having to go through me not being around etc, it was too much. Had it just been me to consider i would have continued with the pregnancy and waited to see what happened and hope against all hope this time it would work out, but I could not do that. I had already missed my eldest boys first weeks at big school, I had missed out so much whilst in hospital and during my deepest grief.
We made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, 12 weeks in, this happed on April 29th 2003 almost exactly six months after Thomas died (28th Oct 02). I hate myself for the decision I made, it goes against everything i believe in as there was nothing life threateningly wrong with my little one, he was just caught up in an environment which would kill him eventually, I had to consider the whole picture and do what was best for everyone, not just me and my little baby.
A lot of my grief is focussed on Thomas, I guess because it is more tangible. I had a labour, I gave birth, I got to hold him and kiss him and talk to him, I actually got to say goodbye. It is so much more different with 'Little Frankie'. as we affectionately call him. I feel the grief but I am alone, no one else mentions him, no one else lights a candle for him, it is like he is my secret little man. I am ok with that but I do need people to know that I love him so much and miss him so much. He was going to make things better after one of our darkest times but instead we got to lose him too.
Its funny, time passes but memories and the pain never do.
Sleep tight Little Frankie
Lynda x