View Full Version : I think its all just hit me
Ok where to start. This is so hard and I need to get it all out. Its real and i dont want it to be but I cant just keep going. I have had a hard year. Well almost 2 years. When I fell preggers with ds3 I was so happy so excited and over the moon. Where has that feeling gone. I hard a hard pregnancy, constantly sick, faced with the prospect of nearly losing him at 24 weeks then having to be induced due to going into labour around 4 times and it not progressing. The day I had him is one I will never forget, he was our new begining. A chance for dh and I to forget the past and move on. He was a gorgeous and content baby. Then it changed, he got reflux and was always sick. it was hard, I was running on no sleep but coping well. But it just didnt end infection after infection kept getting him. I never fell apart I kept going strong. He had a major concussion we ended up in another town waiting for a ct scan, I still never fell apart. The drs thought he had luekeamia, it shattered me, for all of an hour then I picked myself up to be the strong one. I could cope, I would cope. But the cracks are appearing, its all catching up. I am so tired I want to sleep forever but I cant. I know I am heading back down that deep dark path but this time I can not stop it from pulling me down. I feel like an empty shell, I am lost, I feel dead inside the days go by and I am on auto pilot, and its hard so friggin hard. I am so angry I switch so quickly from being angry to sad, I dont feel happy at all and i want to. I dont talk to dh, I have no sex drive at all, I feel so tired but I cant sleep, I am gaining wieght which is making me hate my body even more. Dh is looking at more and more porn on the net, which makes me further hate my body. I have been hiding these feelings, blaming it on lack of sleep or me period but I cant hide it anymore its affecting me and my family in too many ways. Im scared, I hide I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out and hope that my tears will wash it all away but they wont I know they wont its not that easy. I had to get all this out I know its jumbled and not much sense but it needed to come out and here was the only place I knew I could get it out. There is more but my head is a mess. No one has to reply I just had to get it out.
I don't really know what to say, I just wanted to give you some :hugs: :hugs:. I couldn't read that and NOT say something.
Please don't try to cope alone anymore, there is no shame in talking to someone about how you feel. Even if you start with your GP, they have the contacts and can help you find someone to talk to.
Lots of girls on bubhub have been through this and I'm sure someone here can point you in the right direction. :hugs: :hugs:
Shanaynay
30-04-2007, 00:03
Anyones head would be a mess after going through so much....:hugs:
You obviousl need to get it all out..... have you ever talked to your GP or seen a cousellor or anything?
Thanks ladies for your replies. No i have not been to see a counsellor or gp yet. It gets so bad some weeks I think In the morning i will ring and make a drs app. but then I stall and have a few good days and think i dont need any help it was just pms or lack of sleep. Deep down i know i need help. Its getting really hard though. I try to talk to dh but the words just cant come out. I feel so tired that I think if I start to let it all out it will take too much of what energy I have left in me. I tell dh so much during the week and he always forgets, its like he doesnt listen and I guess thats what holds me back. I dont want to drag friends down, so I keep my mouth firmly shut.
Im scared of being put on anti depressants, I have taken the pill before and the hormones in that sent me crazy and Im worried thats what ad's will do. I have watched my friend take them on and off for years and watched her mess up so much. My aunty went on them and it also changed her for the worse. It all scares me I want to feel normal, I want to be me. I am not Tammy anymore, I am mum. Thats all I hear. I feel I have lost the real "me" and I wonder if she will ever return. I guess my biggest fear is If start taking medication it will be a lifelong thing. Im still young I dont want it to be that way. Im sorry you probably think Im rambling away like a looney, but they are my fears and they are hard to overcome.
I agree with the other posts - I can't really help but just wanted to show support:hugs:
No one would expect you to be a pillar of strength constantly, and maybe because you tried to be so strong for so long it has hit you really hard now...
I think you need to find someone you can confide in and see if you can talk to DH about it - good luck.
Angelmist♥
30-04-2007, 14:24
Can you write your DH a letter telling him how you feel?I know you said it would sap all of your energy but it can be surprising how good it is to get it all out hun.
I felt very similiar to you (empty shell,wanted to sleep forever, wanting to hide) and the day I broke down and sobbed my every feeling out to DH was my turn around. Apparently he had no idea I was feeling those things.
I went to the CHN and the GP who prescribed anti-depressants.I was on them for a week and went searching for a natural method.I found a great naturopath who made me a concoction:laughing:.I've had bad days but mostly good since.
I really hope you get some help soon hun:hugs:
:hugs: Tam, I am here....I am only a phone call away.
Print off your posts from this thread and give it too M, he needs to know how you feel.:hugs:
I will be there tomorrow:hugs: 10-10.30am...You can cry then, and I will give you lots of:hugs:
Take care...I am here
Wish_Bear
01-05-2007, 12:08
Wow it's like reading my life story for the past 6 yrs. You have written so much of what I went through in the early stages of PND it gave me goose bumps.
I really think you should go see your GP, they really are amazing and help you sooo much. AD's are a scary thought I know but mine saved me, you may go through a few before you find the one thats right for you but it's so worth it. I am on Zoloft and it has worked wonders. I was also taking Mega B vitamins and St johns Wort before I went on the Zoloft and they worked quite well for a while but I needed something better.
I too put off going to my GP for weeks. It wasn't until I found myself barefoot, in my pj's sitting in a park on a swing and not knowing how I got there that I realised I needed help. And once I asked I was amazed at the people who are out there.
Your ECN could put you in contact with a social worker and they will give you free counselling if it's available in your area.
Help is out there hon, don't be afraid to ask for it.
:hugs: to you.
hi there all. Well this morning dh and I had a bit of a blue, right before he left for work. I was seething by the time I come back from dropping the kids off so i wrote him out an email. It hard some very harsh home truths in it and I also copied and pasted what i had written in here. I sent him an sms telling him to check his email and not to ring me as I didnt want to talk. I want him to think about it all and try and understand a lot of it. It was hard but I do feel a little better, and the fact that rowie :hugs: come over and I got to vent a bit. I hate letting people in, I hate dragging people down.
Wish bear I am going to ring the dr, I will today. I dont know if they will put me on anything, I am still breast feeding ds3. I know its not going to last much longer and being my last bub I want it to last, its a special bonding feeling and I dont feel ready to throw that away just yet. But I will go and I will see if there is anything I can do. We live in a small town and I would have to travel to see a counsellor but i guess I do need help and I cant keep going, I dont know how much more I can take. Im tired just thinking about what dh is going to be like when he gets home tonight. I want to run but I know I cant and I have to face this.
hi there all. Well this morning dh and I had a bit of a blue, right before he left for work. I was seething by the time I come back from dropping the kids off so i wrote him out an email. It hard some very harsh home truths in it and I also copied and pasted what i had written in here. I sent him an sms telling him to check his email and not to ring me as I didnt want to talk. I want him to think about it all and try and understand a lot of it. It was hard but I do feel a little better, and the fact that rowie come over and I got to vent a bit. I hate letting people in, I hate dragging people down.
Wish bear I am going to ring the dr, I will today. I dont know if they will put me on anything, I am still breast feeding ds3. I know its not going to last much longer and being my last bub I want it to last, its a special bonding feeling and I dont feel ready to throw that away just yet. But I will go and I will see if there is anything I can do. We live in a small town and I would have to travel to see a counsellor but i guess I do need help and I cant keep going, I dont know how much more I can take. Im tired just thinking about what dh is going to be like when he gets home tonight. I want to run but I know I cant and I have to face this.
:hugs: I am here Tam. Sorry I left quickly, no offence..your Mum didn't seem that happy to see me:o ...You didn't drag me down, and its sharing...A problem shared is a problema halved.....
Anyhoo, talk to your GP hopefully they can help. Don't they have a counsellor down there??? Thats bad...
Don't worry about M when he gets home, it is your home too....
Try not to get angry with him, hard I know:hugs: But TALK to him, and if he gets angry, just say...do not get angry with me, talk to me, we are supposed to be team.
Chat tomorrow, if you need me call, I am here....
The spare bed is empty too:thumbsup:
Good luck and take care xooxoxo
Thanks rowie. My Mum, dont worry bout her, trust me she got worse when you left. She can be a funny person sometimes. She said she had a headache. i think they know something is up. I reckon M has called them or something. I have had a few friends go through the whole counselling thing and they have all had to go to other places for it. Most have ended up in bunbury for it. And cheers for the spare bed thought. If it ends up like we were before though the keys will once again be taken from me. Something to do with the fact that he works the money is his and he pays for the car blah blah blah. I apparently dont contribute in enough ways fair huh!
ETA *sorry the anger is coming out now, as you can probably tell. Give me an hour and I will likely be curled up bawling my eyes out.
Shanaynay
01-05-2007, 15:56
Hi again
Omg that's terrible re: his money cuz he works :ecomcity:
What would happen if you just upped and left? He wouldn't be able to work, because he would have HIS children to look after :mad: Sorry that maks me SO angry.
I hope you are ok tonight when he comes home... I don't really know what is going on but spend some time with people who will give oyu supprt... rowie sounds like a good 'un ;)
Oh and about the medication, I am breastfeeding my bub and I am taking anti-depressants. Some people prefer not to, that's understandable, but there are plenty of safe medications to take :)
My thoughts exactly phineas. when we seperated last time it was hard I had me and my kids and the clothes I took with me. He got real angry and I wasnt allowed things. Not saying that we are going to seperate, I really do love him deep down we just have a few issues.
Thats good to know about the meds. I have been doing a bit of reading about it. Cody is over 1 now and he is not just relying on me so I dont think he would be exposed to a hell of a lot If I was to take something. My head is already feeling a little less foggy after letting dh know a fair bit, but judging on the past and how my mind works this wont fix it and I do know I need help.
Shanaynay
01-05-2007, 18:03
My medication did a great job of de-fogging my head :yes:
I've been taking them since bub was 4 months old while b/feeding. Something I really would rather not do, but I couldn't keep going on how I was (or NOT going on!), and I don't think you can either. Lots of :hugs:
Wish_Bear
01-05-2007, 19:25
I was told the same thing about breastfeeding and AD's by my doc, that there are some that are fine if you are BF. In the end your kids need you well and happy. And like I said, I couldn't have gotten through the dark days without AD's.
Just re read my post and it sounds like I am pushing the AD's but seriously I am not, just telling you what worked for me.
Hi there - I dont have anything useful to say but my heart goes out to you - I hope you are able to find the help you need :hugs:
:hugs: Hey Tam, how did things go tonight?? My spare bed is empty so I am gathering, things went okay?
Did you make that GP appt? I think you should, I can come hold you hand:hugs:
Sorry about your Mum, wasn't trying to be mean, she just didn't seem happy with my being there.....
:hugs: Chat tomorrow...
Well not a lot got sorted out last night. I feel like a little kid talking to my dad sometimes with dp. We only really talked, well me a blubbering mess and him just angry :thumbsdown: , about one main issue thats really been affecting me. I ended up going to bed and sobbing so hard, you know that gut wrenching hard crying, totally exhausted me and feel to sleep but was up an hour later and couldnt sleep. We didnt talk this morning at all, he left for work and said seeya, that was it. Now I feel bad and guilty like its all my fault. I knew it would happen, maybe thats why sometimes I would rather not face it. Anyway I have a huge headache today, but going right now to ring the dr. My heart is already beating faster just thinking about it. I guess im just scared because im admitting I have a problem. It makes me feel weak but I want to be strong.
12 oclock Friday May 11th. i did it. Thats the earliest i could get in but I dont mind waiting as its the dr I would prefer to see.
SalTheGal
02-05-2007, 12:22
Hey, :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: I am so glad you have made an appointment with a dr. I have suffered depression, and the minute I walked through that dr's door I felt a whole weight lifted form my chest, you will be ok, you just need to open yourself up to all the help you can get. You can still take meds whilst BF, take care of yourself............
I ended up going to bed and sobbing so hard, you know that gut wrenching hard crying, totally exhausted me and feel to sleep but was up an hour later and couldnt sleep.
:hugs: Awwww babe......
We didnt talk this morning at all, he left for work and said seeya, that was it. Now I feel bad and guilty like its all my fault. I knew it would happen, maybe thats why sometimes I would rather not face it.
:shame: Not your fault....He has a lot to answer for too, not just you...you can only control you, and now you are going to drs that can start to change.
I guess im just scared because im admitting I have a problem. It makes me feel weak but I want to be strong.
You will be strong, :thumbsup: just give it time...
Big, huge YAY for making the drs appt babe, you have taken the first step.....
I am here, if you need me:hugs:
suzannec
07-05-2007, 09:40
i have just read this whole threat and i swear i could be writing it myself. I know exactly how you are feeling. Its the worst feeling ever, you feel like your drowning and watching yourself do it from above.
Im in exactly the same place. Just getting deeper. But it helps reading and knowing that there are others out there and there is hope that we will find out way back to ourselves.
My only advice is keep posting, keep getting that positive advice and support from the girls here. its a life saver.
I had a really bad night last night and felt like going to the hospital and getting them to check me into the psych unit.lol. But today i got up and came to work and i will struggle on. We are mum's we have to. And that is the problem in a nutshell, we have lost ourselves and just become mum.
Hi thankyou all for your replies. Im doing a little better this week but starting that downhill slide again. I just have to get this off my chest as its been bugging me since last week. When i rang and made my drs app, I sent a msg to dh letting him know. After what we had been through the night before ect, I would have thought he had been listening and taken note about it all. Anyway he sent back a msg to me saying Who For?????? WTF it really upset me. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: I didnt want to reply, but I did. For some reason now though he seems to think everything is fine and back to normal. Its hard nothing has changed all those feelings and thoughts are still there, just because we talked it hasnt just magically disappeared. Oh well.
:hugs: :hugs: Will call you tomorrow babe:hugs: I will down your way again:D
Will call you tomorrow babe I will down your way again
Sorry babe, forgot my phone:banghead: Chat soon
Bewitched
08-05-2007, 14:50
:hugs: precious, i have just read this whole thread, and like may other hubbers, i have been there too. Sadly, i don't remember what pulled me through it, but my DH was very supportive and yours should be too :yes:
RE: you telling him about the docs appt and him now assuming all is ok - guys can be very naive like this and always look for the miracle cure, so don't take that one personally babe.
However, i think you have every right to take his other behaviour very personally. He needs to support you through this, you would do the same for him wouldn't you? If you answered 'Yes' then why feel like you are dragging people down when you would do the same hun? I know it can be the hardest thing to admit when we are not coping, but do let others help.
With supportive people like precious rowiechb you will get past this so much stronger.
Good luck hun, pm me anytime if you need a shoulder to cry on :hugs:
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