View Full Version : Fostering Working Against Us??
I am sad and confused and just wanted to vent. My DH and I are searching for an egg donor and we have had a couple of woemn reply but when one of them learnt that we are currently doing short-term fostering of babies through DOCS, she said that we didn't really NEED a child of our own cos we had the foster babies. I explained that we loved being able to enrich the lives of these little ones but that we only had them temporarily and ideally they would eventually go back to their birth parents but she was very clear.:shame:
Does us fostering babies who need love and care for a little while really work against us meeting an egg donor?:confused:
From the way I see it fostering is a way of showing how much you care for children and is fantastic preparation for having your own family.
I would think it'd work for you.
I'm really sorry that someone has thought otherwise.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Thank you - I know I am just feeling fragile but at the moment every hurtful comment seems to cut much deeper than usual! Your hug helped!!:yelclap:
Look i think people like you are few and far between these days. Good on you for being such loveing and caring people I know those kiddies your looking after really appreciate the chance to be with such wonderful people even if just temporarily.
I dont know much about egg donantion would probly consider it one day whats really involved? Isnt it a lot of drugs and surgery?
For some donors, the fact that you are fostering children is irrelevant.
For others, it is relevant.
Most donors decide on a "criteria " (for lack of a better word, sorry) on the type of person/couple they would prefer to donate to, much in the same way that there are recipients who would prefer a certain type of donor over another.
It doesn't make you any less "worthy" of receiving the gifts of eggs, it's just a choice that that particular donor has. It's not personal, and I know that it is really hard not to take it personally.
It also means that by you and the donor not meeting "eye to eye" on that issue means that on a personal level, the 2 of you most likely would not have "clicked", and that in itself can cause problems in communication in future years.
Please try and take heart in the knowledge that in the 2 and a bit years I have been involved in the egg donation "world" I have not yet seen anyone who was looking for a donor NOT get one. For some it seems like they ask and they receive within minutes, and others must wait what feels like an eternity. The right donor is out there for you - and you will find her.
Hi - thanks very much for these posts. KDMD I am happy to talk to you offlist re egg donation but no it isn't surgery! :)
Dear Roxy, thank you for your very sensible words of advice! Also it gives me hope which I can certainly use these days so thanks for that too!
I just read your post and my feelings immediately was that this donor is not for you, and it is best finding that out now rather than later. I takes time to find a donor, some people here have been lucky and found the perfect person very quicky others have been waiting a long time and some of us like me turned to donor embryo's which I got from my clinic.
The fertility road is a hard one and so it the donor road, just remember, there are recipients that have been let down by donors pulling out at the last moment when they were approaching egg pick up and there are donors that feel very used as they believed they had 'clicked' with the recipient and donated to a person they felt had become a close friend only to find that it was just an act to get the precious eggs and then left the poor donor out in the cold.
Be true to yourself, your fostering of babies is fantastic, I'd have loved to do the same, just couldn't face the red tape, I have nursed prem babies for over two years and any baby that is able to have someone give it love is very fortunate, do not give that up the babies need you more than you need that one persons eggs. Someone with a more compassion on the true needs of all babies will be there for you.
pm me if you'd like some more info on finding a donor
she certainly isnt the right one for you then is what i think..how could she possibly think because you are helping other people out by looking temporarily after their children that you have to give back after some time that you dont have the need to have your own permanent children...geesh some people dont think ....
what you are doing re fostering is such a selfless act that hugely affects a childs life...
honey carma will certainly come your way..your donor will come...
you are an amazing person for helping these little people out and their parents....and what good practice for you hehe
I definitely agree with the girls here - she wasn't the right one for you. And it's best to know straight from the start rather than find out later. Remember not all potential donors are going to be put-off because you foster children. Some (most I think!!) will hold you in higher regard because it demostrates what a wonderful,kind and very caring person you are.:yelclap:
I think it's important to keep trying and don't lose faith... A few weeks ago, I had a friend pull out of being our donor after she'd offered and we'd gone through all the counselling. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there's ups and downs on this road, but your turn will come.. You really deserve good Karma!. I hope you're not disheartened!
As someone who has been thinking about donating for a while, I can tell you that I would be reassured if my IP's were fostering babies.
I think it speaks volumes about the values you and your partner hold, and it says to me that you are generous and kindhearted and just the kind of people who should have a child of their own.
Perhaps this lady got cold feet and was using that as her "out"? I really don't see where she was coming from otherwise.
I'm sure you won't have to wait long for that special person to help you complete your family :hugs:
it may matter to some but i think it shows a big heart and that is coming from someone who has been in a foster home situation in the past .... maybe she has been there or known of someone who has been in that situation for all the wrong reasons .. my personal experience was of being in one for all the wrong reasons(maybe she has decided all carers do this for wrong reasons these days) fortunately i have been privey to alot of situations where ppl have done this for their own open hearted reasons instead of selfish ones be patient as i dont think it works against you good luck
i tought i should add my situation was a type of underage foster house where we were pretty much kept seperate from their lives and locked out of half the house at 12yrs old this was not the escape i sought from my family situation that i needed at the time thankfully i was able to get myself into something i needed to suit me..... im not saying all foster situations are the same but there are still bad to horror stories occuring ...i was lucky and able to control myself and my situation from a young age... thanks May
What a hard situation for you to have to face at such a young age - congratulations on keeping your integrity and compassion intact!
To everyone else who replied - thank you all very much! I have taken a break from the board but me (and DH) are now back and 100% committed to finding our angel so please wish us luck!!
Well i had the first visit on tuesday when the lady come out and asked us what age group do u want to look after we said babies when we rangher back today she said we can only let u look after 15-17 old so i though well why ask what age we wanted to put down and so doe snay one know of a agency i can go through to look after babies in the hervey bay region which is in qld
It must have been hard to understand this ladies reasons, but these are the thoughts of one woman out of the hundreds out there willing to donate. From the response to your post, I think that she's pretty much alone in her reasoning. You'll find someone soon who see's your kindness for what it is and will feel priviledged to donate to you.
I've worked in DoCS (not in case work) and have a lot of friends who've do case work. I think that foster carers are angels who've decided to come down to earth and show not only how to live compassionate lives and but also how to truly love - selflessly as opposed to selfishly. I don't know how carer's do it.
But I do thank the universe that people like you exist. :angel:
I am also looking for a donor and the one thing I’ve found out the hard way is that when you put yourself out there – you are going to meet all sorts of people.
I guess the thing is that people don’t realise – is that when you do ‘put yourself out there’ asking for a donor – you are in a vulnerable position - and I think some people don’t realise this and act or say things out of ignorance.
I’m sure you’ll find the right donor and she like me will thing you are truly magic to be a foster carer. :fingerscrossed:
Just to let you all know - Brooke found her donor, and has already done one cycle, but she sadly miscarried. FET coming up soon!
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