prostate cancer

[punkbaby]

Not sure if i post this here or if anyone can help but here goes

my FIL has just told us he has prostate cancer, told us its very aggressive etc etc..it can be treated but....he sounds really worried but his the type of man who wont let on how his feeling or how bad it is his joking about it as well etc. When i spoke to MIL she was the same very secretive about everything as well, we are thinking its worse than they are making out. He keeps saying his 80 now so his had a good innings but we are thinking why would he say that....we dont care how old he is we want the grankids growing up with a papu!

Anyhow this is what makes me think its really worse than they are making out... a month ago he rings out of the blue and tells us he will match our house deposit, what we have saved he will match so we can finally buy something. I dont mean any offence to this but they have always told us we wont get a cent off them till they are dead and gone, thats exactly how they have put it.

I asked FIL the other day how bad he was, i said i am concerned your not telling me how bad it is as all of a sudden you match our deposit which we are greatful for but i wonder why you would do that when you said you never would till you were gone....he turned around and said he wants us set up before his gone. I say whats really going on, he let out a tear and left the room

He has told me since that he wont be having treatment as he doesnt want to lose his pride and knows how sick it will make him....he said he would rather have quality than quantity! He also said he will do his best to be alive when this baby arrives (october)

Anyone else been through this., do you think his hiding how bad it really is? Anyone else seen the bad side of the treatment for prostate? we are going to see them in the morning i am hoping in person they will tell us more but something just doesnt sit right :(

[Lin]

Hi Punkbaby!
:hugs:
I lost my father to prostate cancer last August!
I wish I could tell you that it's not all that bad. Forgive me for being blunt but I'll tell you what to expect:
When they diagnosed my dad the cancer had already spread to the bones - that's what makes it agressive as it will get into the bone marrow and eat away at all the red blood cells.
From what I was told the cancer usually spreads from the prostate to the bones first. From there it'll start attacking the rest of his organs and he'll really start to get sick VERY quickly!

My dad went through quite a few medications to try and slow the process down. The first lot he tried, it worked really well for about 9months. Then his PSA level (tells you how much cancer is in the body) started rising again. There were only about 4 medications he could try and none of the others worked. The only other thing they could do for him was give him 'zametta' infusions which was an introveinous medication to try and protect the bone marrow. He had to have this once a month. But it wasn't very effective.

He was doing quite well though up until about the beginning of last year when he became severely anemic and because the cancer was eating all the red blood cells, he was very low on oxygen. So therefore he was struggling to stay awake and had no energy to do anything but sit in a chair. For the last 6 months or so he relied on monthly blood transfusions in the hope his blood count would rise.

They didn't want to give him chemo or radiotherapy until he really needed it as this can make people extremely ill.
He ended up having a little radiotherapy on his head area where they found some cancer on the top of his skull. They thought they'd try radiotherapy on there to slow it down from getting into the brain.

None of this proved effective as the cancer was growing quicker than they could treat it!

He went off his food (apparently cancer patients develop a disliking to all food and they find they can't eat it). He lost so much weight in the last few months that he was just skin and bone! My mum and I virtually had to force feed him to try and get some nourishment into him. It then becomes a vicious circle - no food, no nutrients to give him energy to fight the cancer etc....

In the end, he was taken to hospital, mainly because he was having so much trouble passing urine that they had to drain his bladder for him. He was only meant to stay in there for a few days as he wanted to be at home and we wanted to abide by his wishes! They gave him another blood transfusion but they stopped to take x-rays of his lungs etc because they were worried about his breathing. By this point he was struggling to breath and needed oxygen all the time. We were all then told that the cancer had spread to the lungs.
The morning we were to bring him back home the hospital rang to say they couldn't arouse him. So the whole family came home and sat by his side. (I had my little 5mnth old dd at that stage). He only woke up for about an hour that day and had a talk to us all - he even sang dd a lullaby and then he drifted back into unconsciousnes. The following morning he passed away:crying: .

He fought for 3 years but it was the last 6 months that he really suffered.
We think his body was fully more riddled with the cancer than what the dr's led us to believe.

That's what I went through with my dad anyway. I'm sorry hun, but it is aggressive! He'll be in a lot of pain eventually, especially if he's not having any treatment! And above all, it's the most terrible thing to watch a loved one go through as there's nothing you can do to help!
Another thing also, don't be offended if you find he becomes very irratable. You may find from time to time that he'll just snap at you and be very difficult to be around sometimes. This is apparently what cancer does to people! It affects them mentally as well.
It'll be difficult for you but if you just let those things slide and just be there for him, he'll appreciate it in the end - even if you may think he doesn't!

I can give you some websites for info and support if you like. You'll need the support! So will your mil!

If you need anyone to talk to about it or about what you're going through, I can always be PM'd and I can give you my email addy if you need advice!

I'm sorry this is long and I'm very blunt but it'll give you some idea of what he will go through! And what you can expect...
I'll be thinking of you and keep you in my prayers hun! PM me if ever you need to talk!
:hugs: :hugs:

[Blueberry Crumble]

Hmmm.I know that Lin is being honest and blunt, and it is good to know some othe things that MAY happen to be prepared for the worst etc. But I need to remind you that no two cases of prostate cancer are exactly alike, and your FIL may experience it in a different way from the above.

My DP's Grandfather had prostate cancer for years and years and years. Dont quote me on this, as I am no doctor! But apparently often a man can live with prostate cancer for quite a long time. Mind you, I am pretty sure his grandfather had courses of treatment over the years, and he lost his life in his 80's.

I know it is awful and sad when a loved one gets so sick and you face the prospect that we are not all going to be around forever. But if I live to my 80's I think I will be satisfied,( I can understand where your FIL is coming from about having a good innings). I lost my mum to bowel cancer 5 years ago and she was only 46, so I guess he is thanking his lucky stars that he has lived a long and full life. Still, it doesnt make it easier, does it?

Dont lose hope, he may surprise you all and fight it for a long time. Good luck

[Lin]

I do agree with you mudcake, that's probably something I should have mentioned is that can affect people differently. I am only assuming here that from the attitute of her fil that the cancer has already spread.
Yes, with treatment people can live 10yrs or more (and hopefully that will be the case), but if he's refusing treatment, then the cancer will spread very quickly. That's not to say that he's only got a few months or anything. He could still be quite happy in 2-5years!

But that's what my dad went through with treatment. Some people's bodies respond better to medications than others. At his age also, he could even pass away from something else non cancer related too! But the info is just good to know just to be prepared.

[iluvmeboyz]

so sorry hear the news hun:hugs: :hugs:
my dad died of cancer 10 yrs ago next wk and he had treatement and all he lasted 14 months seeing them go through that is heart breaking .
Now i have to go through it agian Mil has asbestos and is dying from it no treatment will cure it i see her get sicl sometimes and i sit and cry thinking why her wh ynow she still works i think its in it's early stage but at times it is so hard to cope as i see her as my second mum as my mum lives in melb ,
if you kneed to chat im here just pm me if you wanna talk. :hugs:

[reAllytee]

My grandfather got prostate cancer when he was in his sixties & kicked it. He went on to kick to further forms of cancer before sucumbing to yet another form 6yrs ago, he was 89yrs.

It can be bad yes but if he is willing to fight things could be better than you realise.

Most men react this type of way as in not wanting to confront the truth becoming angry etc. Just talk to him is my best advice.

Good luck wishing you all the best :hugs:

[motherlylove]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I think sometimes people dont let on how bad it is cause they themselves dont want to know/are trying to get there head around it. If he wants to give you the money let him knowing its something he wants to do. May be he has changed his mine cause he has been told this news and wants to see you happy

my thoughts are with you

[punkbaby]

Thanks for all your views and stories i know they are checking his bowel as well so i am thinking its worse than his making out. I guess its nice to know what to expect, as horrible as it is at least we can prepare mentally for it, and i can try support dh and mil as much as i can

i do realise that maybe he might pull through i mean his in his 80s and a fit man but the last few months he seems to have lost his spark, he wont even play golf anymore...dh said the same he thinks that his had it worse and hasnt told us till he knew what was going to happen and how severe it was/is

Thanks Lin too for the offer of a chat if i need any advice

I am sorry to hear of everyones losses relating to cancer i just feel with fil saying his had a good innings his thinking its over...they are even going to sell their house and other properties so they only have to worry about one property considering they have owned propery for years all these little things add up and start making sense (basically they live off the income they get from renting)