Distant Mum

[superclare]

Sorry for having a whinge, I know my mum is not that bad, but need to vent anyway...

I grew up in a happy family but somehow I have never really felt a strong bond with my mother. Since I moved out of home 10 years ago, she has hardly made any effort at all to visit me even though for most of that time I only lived 1 hours drive away. Of course I visited her almost every fortnight at least. Both my siblings live overseas and she spends alot of time visiting them, and on various other trips (she is well off and does not work).

When I was pregnant and still living one hour from her, she spent most the time overseas and hardly ever (if ever phoned) unless I phoned her first leaving a message to call back.

Mum finally came back from overseas just before the birth and I invited her to attend the birth (thought it might bring us closer). That all went fine and she was a great help during the birth and for a few days afterwards in hospital.

Hubby and I moved interstate a few months ago with our baby.

She flew down to visit with my dad about a month later on a saturday but booked a day trip which really didn't 'help' me at all as I spent most of the day driving her to and from the airport with a 6 month year old.

I rang her and suggested that next time she spend at least the night as one day was too rushed. Anyway, she got all offended and is not refusing to come and visit us at all. The excuse she has given me is that she can only make day trips as she doesn't want to leave her pets. But she has made several overseas trips since my daughter was born and is planning a skiing trip again overaseas in a few weeks.

What is really sad is that she is missing out on seeing her granddaughter grow up and is again trying to make me feel guilty. She also continues to buy oodles of expensive clothes for my daughter, but yet will not visit her.

How do I break out of this pattern? Hubby tells me I shouldn't let her get to me but it works every time!

As an aside, we did go and visit her for christmas (the trip was a nightmare as our daugther didn't take to the plane well), but she is outright refusing to come and visit us again.

[LilShenanigans]

aww hunny, I know what distant mothers are like... My mother never visited me and I only lived 15 minutes away! I left her for about 3 weeks before she even thought to call to "Check if I was ok"... the convo was 5 minutes long!

I'd personally just put that guilt trip back onto your mother (hell, I'll do it for you!), ask her who looks after her precious pets when shes off jetsetting, tell her you feel ignored and ARE ignored at these priceless moments in time.

Offer her a chance to somehow make it up, but I say if she flat out refuses and tries another guilt trip... Take your hubby's advice! (now thats a first :p ).
Ignore her for as long as you can, if she sends presents don't even bother to say thank you.. I know, I know, it's hard when it's your mum.
But maybe she needs to taste that bad medicine for a while..

But most of all, and THE MOST IMPORTANT part is that you should stay happy, focus on your family, if you get annoyed or upset look at your daughter and ask yourself "Would you let your mother treat your daughter like that?" (that one always works for me..)

It's a tough call, but sometimes families just aren't meant to work, and when it comes to those situations it's a good time to refocus your position on what your family is to you, who they should be/how they should be, and really make the best surroundings for your child.

-I'm so sorry if that sounded nasty at all, but I've been in this position with so many of my close family, and one springs to mind was my grandfather who just didn't seem to want anything to do with me... I just had to cut him off in the end :(

[lilly]

Hi there and big hugs to you.
I know how you feel as I have a very distant mother, who has only become more distant since I became pregnant. When I found out I was having a girl I even freaked out because I was worried that I may repeat this kind of cold relationship. But I'm coming to realise that I am just not like my mother, we are chalk and cheese. It's hard to relate to or understand someone who is just so different.

I sometimes fantasise that i have a mother who is shopping with me for baby things and having good chats about motherhood and what's in store and telling me how excited she is. This will be the first grandchild, after all. But in reality she only calls on the odd occasion to tell me some mundane thing and doesn't even ask how I am.

On Christmas day my husband and I showed her the ultrasound photos from my 20 week scan, hoping that I would get some kind of reaction. She looked at them for a moment and then talked about something else. I haven't yet been able to raise with her how I feel as I'm scared I'll get some negative reaction and I just want positive vibes around me at the moment.

My DH tells me that he thinks she has trouble showing emotion and not to worry about her. Or that if she has a problem it is her problem and she needs to get over it. In the meantime, my dad (who is divorced from my mother) and my MIL have been fantastic and helping fill that void.

Life isn't perfect so I've just tried to let go of this vision of how I think things should be and just accept how they are and get the love I need from other places! I think your mother is hurting herself more than anyone, in missing out on her grandchild. Surround yourself with the people who really care and are good for your family as much as you can.

best wishes,
Lilly.

[superclare]

Thanks guys, that makes me feel alot better. I have a wonderful husband and my in-laws are great, so I should just focus on them, instead of always trying to please my mother (as I never seem to be able to).!!! I just end up hurting the ones who care about me most when I start letting my own mother get to me...(get sullen and depressed dwelling on it).

[superclare]

PS to lilly - I guess I also felt that because I have a daughter, I might turn out like my mother. But then I realised the reason we have never really got along is because we are nothing alike. So you are right in that I needn't worry about that. Good luck with your own mum! Thanx again.