View Full Version : Learning to Depend on your Partners Income
Despite not working for the last 5 months and being totally dependant on my husband for all things financial - it finally dawned on me last night that I am now totally dependant on him for everything.
It scared me so much to realise how much of my own independance I have given up to marry him and have a family. I miss working so much and I'm keen to get back into SOMETHING as soon as possible...
Just wondering if anyone else went through this sudden realisation that your own independance upon yourself is now gone and that you are totally relient upon another; and how you handled it... :o
I know how you feel, but when you get married it's true- what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
I had a freak out before we got married as I was moving to a place where I wouldn't have paid work(in the end I did get a fly in/fly out job for a week a month).
I had been working since I was 18 and I was now 28. I'd always been able to spend my money on exactly what I wanted and suddenly I felt very guilty spending my husband's money- he didn't care, and was practical enough to realise that's what had to happen.
My husband did bring it up at our pre-marriage counselling course and the counsellor made me realise it is true when you get married you have to share everything- including income.
Now I don't feel guilty at all spending our money, I just don't buy bags and shoes like I used to- I still do mind you, but in moderation!;) And as I'm our finance controller I know what I we can afford.
It was really hard to get used to and I still keep the family payments separate so I'm not fully 'dependent'. I'd like to start a home based business so I can balance the work-family-thing in a hands on kind of way. I find it a shame that there aren't more opportunities for working from home without establishing a whole new business.
We have been married for a year and a half now - and even though the last 5 months I haven't been working (and so today is no different to last week :laughing:) for some reason it just hit me last night...
I wonder if its all nesting too - realising what very few things I can actually say are my own, rather than OURS...
I probably has hit me more now I'm having my second baby as soon I'll have a new born and a 13 month old so there is really no way I can do something else-for the time being- but be a f/t Mum, not that I'm complaining- just a realisation.
Sorry- I should explain we were looking to expand our business and add another dimension to it but it would have been highly dependant on me.
It was really hard to get used to and I still keep the family payments separate so I'm not fully 'dependent'
Thats not a bad idea... :idea: Thanks for that!
I agree with you mumski - there aren't many opportunities to work from home around. I've just been doing a bit of a search and I did find about a dozen - but I'd say that a good 10 or 11 of those are dodgy... :rolleyes:
I too struggled with the idea of being dependant on DH.....
Its a scary thought when you've been independant and working all your adult life (for me, ive been in f/t employment for about 8yrs before having ds)
I found it the hardest when O was 6mths old and my maternity leave payments ran out......I felt so lost and that was part of my decision to head back to work early instead of taking the whole 12mths leave etc
I went back when O was 8mths old.
This time round i really am scared as i know my maternity leabve runs out in July and I DONT want to head back at all, well not for at least 3yrs
What scares me is I really want to be a sahm for both my kids BUT i also want the independance and freedom working outside the home affords!
Hmmm I have about 5mths to figure out what i want before the $$$ runs out lol
Good thread Ally:thumbsup:
I never got used to it. We have split up and I am still financially dependent on him which sux.
It still irks me at times.
Not because he says anything about it or the likes but its just that when i want to make a purchase i feel like i need to ask permission.
DP is always saying its our money but i cant get my head around it !
Im lucky that over the last few months i have been doing some nite work but being casual its only like twice a month but hey its something hehe.
I didn't see it as dependant on him at all. I saw it as.... he went out and earnt money to pay for our bills etc etc, I stayed at home at took care of the more precious things in life.... OUR CHILD! Our home etc.
When we got married, what was mine and what was his became OURS... it has always been taht way since. No money is his nor is it mine, it is ours as a family. What furniture he came with and what I came with is now ours, we don't refer to any of our pocessions as his nor mine, EVERYTHING is OURS!
I thought of being a SAHM this way....
DH works, he earns the $$$, I worked from home rainsing our child, made sure all her needs were met, and that she was getting all the right attention. (fair enough our circumstances were different and Emily needed more attention than most children, but the general rules of it are the same IYKWIM)
I don't see it as not contributing to the family at all!! SAHM contribute more than what people give credit for. Our children are our future, they are hard work!
Personally I have been financially independant since I was 16 years old. I have always paid my own way, done my own thing and been totally reliant on myself and for some weird reason last night it finally dawned on me that independance has really gone for good now.
I didn't see it as dependant on him at all. I saw it as.... he went out and earnt money to pay for our bills etc etc, I stayed at home at took care of the more precious things in life.... OUR CHILD! Our home etc
This is what hubby was trying to get through my head last night. He seems to grasp it a lot easier than I do - that being a SAHM actually IS a job. I guess I have always felt that to actually be a success at something, or to achieve something - there has to be something at the end of the day to show for it.
I think I need to remember that I WILL have a baby boy to show for it - and even though he wont be contributing to the bank account (yeah right lol) his contributions will be to our family in ways that I havent yet experienced - and I guess I wont understand them until he arrives.
I found it very hard in the months before DS was born! I had always worked and contributed to the household so no longer being able to do that was hard!!
When DS was born the family tax benifet was mine to do what I wanted with. Now we no longer recieve that as DH earns too much and we have our own business.
Learning to give up the family tax benifet was hard too but now I understand that I DO actually work, very hard to raise my DS.
Thanks for the responses ladies.
Last night hubby and I sat down and discussed the idea of opening a new bank account (another joint account) for the family tax benefit to go into. It would be an account that I can treat as though its mine and use it for things like paying for playgroup, coffee/lunch with friends - basically the things that will keep me sane, sociable and out of the house. We are planning on over-estimating our income, so I'm not expecting to receive anymore than $100 per fortnight - so I think that will work out really well. (well, I hope it does anyway!)
I became fully dependent of my partner of 2 years when i was 3 months preggers, having to quit work coz i was so sick, our son is now 6 months old. It didn't bother me at all having to rely on his income coz we have always shared everything anyway. Our family tax benefits go into my back account, but we use it as emergency money. He has a great job and earns good money so loosing my income wasn't really a big deal. But I do have to go back to work soon, so we can have a lil extra money to get our house built.
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