Wanting to get sole custody of my son...

[SweetSerenity]

Okay, so after a string of events with my ex which are mainly revolving around him constantly changing the days and times when he sees Peter but expects me to do all the dropping off and picking up... I want to get sole custody of my son and make visitations only once a fortnight.

Im scared about doing all of this, but i want peace in my mind that he wont take peter off me. He has threatened to take court action against me if i ever stop peter from seeing him but i dont want to stop them, just make it a fortnightly thing but he doesn't like that, mainly because that will bruise his ego, his interest for peter aren't a priority to him.

Has anyone gone through this or is going through it now.

Where do i start??

Im scared but i dont want to lose my world... and im sick of him treating peter as a pet.

Any advice would be much appreciated.:thumbsup:

[javalava]

I think some sort of court ordered visitation would work better for you. Especially for peace of mind knowing that he wont try and take him for a long period of time when he suddly feels like it.

One thing to look out for is that you must leave it open for them to have a relationship. He may not be a great dad but he is still one so its hard to put aside your feelings about him to allow him and Peter to have a relationship.

Good luck hun. :hugs:

[Lunar]

I have been through it. But the other party didn't even borther showing up so now he has no parental rights, he doens't see DD1 and NEVER will.

Make an appointment with legal aid, they will tell you step by step what to do. They wouldn't help me so i took it all in my own hands and went straight to the chamber of magistrate and spoke to him and made a court date.

It's not that hard, although mine was over 4 years ago now. If you need any help babe, just let me know, even if it's just a vent or a shoulder.:hugs:

It is very stressful to go through but you really do ned something set in place, some thing legal and on paper.
:hugs:

[SweetSerenity]

I think some sort of court ordered visitation would work better for you. Especially for peace of mind knowing that he wont try and take him for a long period of time when he suddly feels like it.

One thing to look out for is that you must leave it open for them to have a relationship. He may not be a great dad but he is still one so its hard to put aside your feelings about him to allow him and Peter to have a relationship.

Good luck hun. :hugs:

Yeah that sounds good.

The thing is hun, i want them to have a relationship but he only sees peter when it suits.

Like today .. peter is staying over, he was picked up at around 4pm and then the ex is dropping him home at 11am because he is going to the races to get drunk.

So when stuff like this happens, how can he tell me he wants to be a good dad when he does things like that???

Just makes me furious.:banghead:

[Lunar]

Like today .. peter is staying over, he was picked up at around 4pm and then the ex is dropping him home at 11am because he is going to the races to get drunk.



Just makes me furious.:banghead:

um, so waht is the point in taking him? So he can give him dinnver put him to bed, get him up and feed him breakfast and bring him home??? Thats not QUALITY time is it!!!???
I'd be furious too! What is the point in Peter going with him???:confused:

[SweetSerenity]

um, so waht is the point in taking him? So he can give him dinnver put him to bed, get him up and feed him breakfast and bring him home??? Thats not QUALITY time is it!!!???
I'd be furious too! What is the point in Peter going with him???:confused:

Thats what i have said many times...

I said to mum...why does he bother?? He's an absolute idiot who doesnt deserve the beautiufl son he has, he really doesnt... He puts the races before peter, what does that say?

Lunar what gets to me is when i say "forget about it, theres no point you seeing him"... He starts the whole "I will take you to court to get my son so dont you ever try to take him off me?"... He's missing out already, so what would be different if he didnt see peter much anyway??:confused:

I dont understand him.

[oleander]

Maybe you could say to the ex that he can see Peter once a fortnight on Friday till Saturday and give him specific times when he has to be picked up and dropped off. If he dosen't comply with it then bad luck.

Another thought, you could try mediation and get it all on paper so the visitation times are set in stone. If he breaks them then thats his problem.

It sounds like he's more interested in his social life than spending quality time with his son.:thumbsdown:

[cmd'smum]

Hi hun

I'm an ex family lawyer and would recommend that you apply for some Contact Orders.

If your ex has been seeing Peter weekly then they will prob keep allowing him to do this, but you can still apply for fornightly visits. You can also request that your ex either drop Peter off or pick him up so you don't have to do all of it!

By applying for Contact Orders you can also make arrangements for visitation during Peter's bday, xmas, new year, etc and specifically request that he not be taken out of the state for any reason by his father.

I know it seems daunting to apply for orders but this way, you both know where you stand and if your ex breaches any of the Contact Orders then the Court will make sure that he is penalised accordingly.

Oh, I would also request that you have Residence of Peter (We no longer use the term "Custody") This means Pete lives with you full time and you are his full time carer. The court will from my exp def grant you residence of Pete as he has been under you full time care since birth (I'm assuming).

If you have any other concerns, questions please feel free to pm me!:thumbsup:

[cmd'smum]

Maybe you could say to the ex that he can see Peter once a fortnight on Friday till Saturday and give him specific times when he has to be picked up and dropped off. If he dosen't comply with it then bad luck.

Another thought, you could try mediation and get it all on paper so the visitation times are set in stone. If he breaks them then thats his problem.

It sounds like he's more interested in his social life than spending quality time with his son.:thumbsdown:

Yep, she's right, forgot to mention Mediation :thumbsup: Give Legal Aid a call and see how you go.

[Pobblebonk]

Hi Natticle. I've just been through mediation as you know, with ex, and I too wanted only fortnightly visits, and Mr Chicken was 13 months old at the time, and what the 'law' recommends is that the child should have weekly contact with the father, to build a relationship. If a relationship already exists, then be prepared for him to have the right to have Peter overnight, almost for the entire weekend, because of Peter's age...

I recommend seeking residence, although, they've changed the law AGAIN and it's no longer referred to as 'residence' but 'who the child lives with', eg, 'the child will live with the mother'.

You can get a private family law specialist to represent you and protect your interests during mediation, and get legal aid to pick up the bill. That's what I did.

Because of Peter's age, too, be prepared that if your ex wants to be a bit narky, he could fight you for 50/50 of Peter's time.

I strongly recommend you contact a women's legal service in your area BEFORE you contact legal aid. They'll tell you exactly what's what, and will give you the names of private family law specialists who you can TRUST will be ON YOUR SIDE during mediation.

[daddaddad]

Nat, he is not going to talk Peter away from you, I will bet anything that his threats of court action are just that – the words he blurts out as defence mechanism during arguments or what not. Even if he is serious, his chances of pulling it off are so slim, and he knows it. Being in a court room is the last place he wants to be.

I say communication, mediation and massaging his ego/needs may get you closer to what you want, rather than having a battle. I know you are constantly making concessions but remember you already hold the prize, for want of a different term.

He is putting his social life first – he’s not alone, it is natural for young people that do that, his peers are doing it and society accepts him doing it. He is missing out but he does not have the ‘gravity’ of parenthood full time.

Risking the flood gates of adverse replies, let me say that it is difficult for “the other parent” to turn parenthood on and off again. For the parent with the majority time caring for the child, immersing yourself in parenting is natural (difficult at time yes) and there seems to be nothing more important in the world. The other parent has 13 days a fortnight (in your ex’s case) in which they have to find their way in the world and the priorities become greyer through lack of exposure.

It is easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and appear like I am a great Dad but I bet my ex still has days where she thinks that I am putting my life ahead of my kids, because some days I do.

Although these overnight visit seem pointless to you, for a single Dad to have their child/ren over night (even if they are sleeping most of it) is huge. You start feeling like a parent, you start to feel responsibility and the closeness. You get the little smiles, you watch them dream, you experience the good and bad. All the things the other parent gets every other day and night.

Having said that – I wouldn’t be dropping Peter off. He can use his betting and drinking money on a taxi…

[SweetSerenity]

Thank you to everyone for their opinions...

They have helped immensley. I will be seeing legal aid next week with my mum to organise the visitations etc...

Daddaddad... I can totally see your point of view and i agree with 99% of it.

The thing is, my ex hasn't always not been a full time parent.. if that was the case i could understand his stupidity and behaviour... but he was in our sons life for his first 2 years... so thats why i dont understand how he can throw that away for a social life.
He was a full time parent to our son and a huge part of his life... how can he justify putting that as a second priority just because we aren't together.

I just want to protect my son as much as possible. He is the world to me and i dont want him to be constantly dissappointed by his dad when he's older asking me questions like "Why can't dad have me tonight?" ..."Why doesnt dad ever call?"... as i can see this is where its heading.

He NEVER asks about our son. Never:no:

I totally understand your point of view though and i have taken a few of your points and will be putting them to use.

I really appreciate you responding and everyone else.:thumbsup:

[V8]

Sorry you are going through this Nat, you are such a beautiful person and you always put Peter before yourself it must be heartbreaking for you to see Peter's dad not give a toss about his own son. I'd say if he threatens 50/50 custody he probably just wants it for the power, but the reality of parenting solely for 50% of the time, might make him realise what responsibility it is and not follow through with this threat. He can't just palm Peter off to someone if he wants to go to the races! I hope you get it sorted i couldn't imagine how horrible and stressful this would be for you or anyone else in your position. :hugs:

[SweetSerenity]

Sorry you are going through this Nat, you are such a beautiful person and you always put Peter before yourself it must be heartbreaking for you to see Peter's dad not give a toss about his own son. I'd say if he threatens 50/50 custody he probably just wants it for the power, but the reality of parenting solely for 50% of the time, might make him realise what responsibility it is and not follow through with this threat. He can't just palm Peter off to someone if he wants to go to the races! I hope you get it sorted i couldn't imagine how horrible and stressful this would be for you or anyone else in your position. :hugs:

Thanks hun:hugs: your post made me smile :)

My ex seems to think he does me a favour when he has peter but to be honest, i wouldn't give a toss if he never had peter as i really dont have a break as such.

Sure i may be able to go out if i wish (not that i do... look where i am now.. right here:o ) but truth is, i am at my happiest with my little guy around...so the ex sometimes thinks he's punishing me when he says he cant have peter for a whole day, but i only get mad as its not fair to pete.

Thats his way of thinking and i hate it.

[V8]

Men think very illogically sometimes! lol I can absolutely see where you are coming from and it really wouldn't be fair on Peter specially if you organise stuff that he's going to see his daddy, he gets excited and then only disappointed when his 'daddy' wants to do other things. :(

[daddaddad]

I just want to protect my son as much as possible. He is the world to me and i dont want him to be constantly dissappointed by his dad when he's older asking me questions like "Why can't dad have me tonight?" ..."Why doesnt dad ever call?"... as i can see this is where its heading.

Nat - Soon (it's only months away for you), you will not have to answer these questions. Peter will be able to ask his father the questions, he will be able to look his father in the eye and form his own opinion.

[SweetSerenity]

Nat - Soon (it's only months away for you), you will not have to answer these questions. Peter will be able to ask his father the questions, he will be able to look his father in the eye and form his own opinion.

Well i hope the day he starts asking these questions, to his father, he will wake up and see what he's doing to his little boy... lets hope so:fingerscrossed:

[Pippi Longstocking]

I say communication, mediation and massaging his ego/needs may get you closer to what you want, rather than having a battle.

I disagree. I wouldn't pander to his poor parenting by massaging his ego.


Society condones men rejecting their children for the sake of "getting on with their lives" and yet, if a woman were to do the same, would it be as acceptable? God no! There was a thread on Bubhub just the other day about women abandoning their children. How can she do that?! Oh, I just don't understand! She doesn't deserve the title mum! etc. yet men do this every single day and we should massage their egos? Sorry, but :barf:
It's time we stopped condoning paternal neglect. There is no excuse for it. So what if he is young and his mates are out partying. Big deal. i had my daughter young, would it have been acceptable for me to be too busy partying to care for my child? Why should my gender change my level of responsibility to my child?
Men are just as capable of caring for their children. It's just that many choose not to because it's damn hard work. yes, it is emotionally draining but not quite as mentally draining as full time single parenthood so I'm not quite sure why women ought to be pandering to men's emotional dramas when hey are the ones carrying the bulk of the emotional burden.

Yes, this topic fires me up. Let's stop making excuses for men and start expecting and demanding some mental maturity and emotional, physical and financial support from them for their kids.

[Pobblebonk]

I disagree. I wouldn't pander to his poor parenting by massaging his ego.

Society condones men rejecting their children for the sake of "getting on with their lives" and yet, if a woman were to do the same, would it be as acceptable? God no! There was a thread on Bubhub just the other day about women abandoning their children. How can she do that?! Oh, I just don't understand! She doesn't deserve the title mum! etc. yet men do this every single day and we should massage their egos? Sorry, but :barf:
It's time we stopped condoning paternal neglect. There is no excuse for it. So what if he is young and his mates are out partying. Big deal. i had my daughter young, would it have been acceptable for me to be too busy partying to care for my child? Why should my gender change my level of responsibility to my child?
Men are just as capable of caring for their children. It's just that many choose not to because it's damn hard work. yes, it is emotionally draining but not quite as mentally draining as full time single parenthood so I'm not quite sure why women ought to be pandering to men's emotional dramas when hey are the ones carrying the bulk of the emotional burden.

Yes, this topic fires me up. Let's stop making excuses for men and start expecting and demanding some mental maturity and emotional, physical and financial support from them for their kids.

I agree wholeheartedly, and 110%.

Ex's parents think I should 'go easier' on my ex, but I sit there and go why should I? Why should I supply him with milk/bottles/clothes/appropriate food to have during his access visits? Why, coz he's male and so it's too hard for him to have to make an appropriate meal for Mr Chicken that follows his strict dietry requirements? Oh boo. He's a PARENT. Not a babysitter.

He wants to be a parent, then he can BE A PARENT, and have all that it comes with. I'm not going to make it easier for him to grab Mr Chicken for 3 hours and be 'cool fun dad'.

I'm so sick of the 'just be grateful he's spending time with your son' cr@p.