Rollercoaster...

[mr_al]

Hi folks,

Well the missus is tucked up in bed, feet up, trying to stay cool and rested on this balmy Melbourne night. Just wanted to share our story-to-day with you all, as I know there are some very sympathetic ears and keyboards out there.

We’ve been trying for a family for just over 4 years. After 9 ½ years on the pill we fell pregnant for the first time after 3 months ttc, and were overjoyed. We miscarried at 6 weeks – this hit us completely out of the blue, and we were devastated. Although in retrospect we had a complete miscarriage, we had a D&C anyway, received reassurance from the medical community, and set about trying again.

It took us 12 months to fall pregnant again, and not through lack of trying. What followed was a descent into hell. Over the next 9 months we were to fall pregnant three times, and miscarry three times.

On the first of those three times, we were overjoyed, after a stressful year of wondering what was wrong, to find we were pregnant. At our first ultrasound, a check at 6 weeks, the clinic told us that the heartbeat was too slow, and that the embryo would be dead within a week. We went home and cried like orphans. Sure enough, 5 days later, away it went. Planning a trip up the coast, we inadvertently fell pregnant again. Going for an ultrasound a few days prior to the trip, we were informed that the embryo was already dead. Shock and disbelief. Again, I took my wife for a D&C and she spent the best part of the next 2 weeks on our holiday bedridden and recovering. It was either that, or endure a miscarriage far from home. Finally, we tried again later that year. This time we made it until 10 weeks and things failed again. A complete miscarriage, no need for a D&C. At this point, we stopped trying for a year as we got our heads straight and our bodies healthy.

We did good things – a trip overseas, built up our wine collection, made new friends, etc. Following a friends’ recommendation, also started on traditional Chinese gynaecological treatment, which served to regulate my wife’s cycle and mitigate long and painful periods. Things were looking good, and we were mentally and physically prepared to try again.

We were about to start trying earlier this year when we discovered a lump in my wife’s neck. 2 months of diagnosis later (needle biopsies, ultrasounds, CT scans) it was cleared as a benign cyst, and was surgically removed in autumn. It was, however, another delay in our attempts to start a family. In October, after a couple of months of ttc again, she fell pregnant for a 5th time.

The last 3 months have been a rollercoaster (as if the last 4 years has been a casual stroll along the beach…wry smile). This time we have done a few things differently. Still getting the traditional Chinese treatment, but seeing a new OB, new ultrasound guy, booked into a new hospital, etc.

The story so far: 6 week ultrasound = good!! Viable embryo, heartbeat, etc. All within spec. Had a 8 week u/s with our OB, also good. Right size, heartbeat etc. Another addition to the family portrait gallery. Then, a formal 9 week u/s, which was the first time my wife was able to open her eyes and take in what she was seeing – 24.7mm foetus, active and jigging around, etc. Smile for the camera – click.

Then Christmas. Stress. Shopping. Family. Work functions. After a stint in Chaddy (Melbourne folk, you know what I mean…) my wife and I returned home to her passing blood…combination of brown, pink and red spotting. We were booked to see our OB the next morning for a 10wk check-up, and a quick u/s revealed that all was good, and the reassurance that bleeding (w’out cramps, which we knew of all too well) was pretty normal at this stage.

Over Xmas, things have gotten harder. Despite a pretty laid back Xmas, my wife has been absolutely stuffed…zero energy, abdominal stabbing pains, and bleeding like it was her period. In a tizz, we paged out OB on Boxing Day, and she was kind enough to track us through Emergency at RWH where we were given an ultrasound. Wouldn’t you know it? Ungrateful little swine was happily swimming away, waving at the camera and saying get that wand off my roof. Had a spine and a heartbeat and everything. Show off, like it’s dad. We floated home reassured.

Today, more blood, more stabbing pain (not in the uterine area, more off to one side), that comes and goes. To add to the joy, today was my side of the family’s Xmas day, which is somewhat akin to herding cats. My wife was valiant, but I packed her off to bed most of the day, and she put on a brave face through dinner, which we bailed from early. The bleeding ebbs and flows, and she is getting good rest. We’ll probably touch base with our OB again this week, and seek another u/s to peek at the kiddo and ensure they haven’t pulled the bathplug out or something. Again, no cramping etc…we’ve been through 4 m/c and know what “those” symptoms are like, and this does not appear to be it.

In the mean time, I have no fingernails, a distinguished grey tinge in what is left of my hair and a profound respect for the medicos and professionals around us at the moment who continue to give us positive vibes.

So – cross your fingers for us, pray to your preferred deity, etc. etc. I’ll touch base in a few days, for those who are interested, and let you know how we’re going.

Oh, and here’s calling out to those due mid July 06. Hope to see you there at the finishing line…

Cheers…Al

---
Her: 32 Him: 35 The Dog: 4
Hits: 0 Misses: 4 Pending: 1

[Baby Girl]

Oh Al,

What a rollercoaster.....

It seems to me that you are staying positive throughout the whole ride, which is fantastic :D .

Good Luck with your bub pending....all fingers and toes crossed for you here!!

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

wow. What brave people you both are! I felt so awful for you reading about the last 4 years. You seem to have retained your sense of humour though, which is sooo important. Congratulations and fingers crossed for this time. With my second bubs, i could barely move and had abdominal pains from day 1. Now he's a chubby lil 9 month old. I hope everything works out so well for you. It's such an emotional subject that it's hard for me to say anything without sounding like a braindead fool, but all I can do is hope for the best for you two. You sound like you will be great parents.:) GOOD LUCK!:)

[kimmy]

OMG you guy's must be very strong people emotionally, i was crying just reading, what a roller coaster ride that must have been for both of you.
I wish you guys the best of luck & my finger's are crossed for you.
Keep me posted.

[reAllytee]

You both seem like very strong individuals & im totally in awe !
Welcome to bubhub !
May this hard start make way for a smooth ride in the months to come.
My sister took 5yrs to conceive my nephew & had over 10 misscarriages before that its the hardest thing to watch let alone go through. We now classify my nephew as her angel she just had to be a little patient to await his arrival.
It seems your wife is an angel herself coping will all she has & it seems like she has a good man in you willing to give her all the support she needs just try not to bite your fingers off once your finished with your nails ;) as your gonna need them in the future for many things including changing nappies im sure !
All my thoughts & best wishes are with you.

[Mamaduke]

Al,
What a wonderful daddy you will be!!!
I don't know what else to say other than my prayers are with you and your wife...I really hope everything turns out for the best - you both really deserve it.
Carly

[zenifa]

Hiya Al
Welcome to Bubhub. Thanks for sharing your rollercoaster journey with us. Our thoughts and best wishes are with you and your DW, fingers crossed that all goes well with the pregnancy!!
Z

[Pixie]

Welcome, and wow what a journey.

Lets hope this one stays cheeky and hangs in there defintely keep us up to date :D

[Mischief]

My goodness what a rollercoaster you and your dear wife have been on!

It made me cry to think how much you guys have been through and how heartbreaking the journey must have been for you both! How brave and strong you have been for eachother...many people dont make it though the loss of one baby but you have had such a hard road!

I have everything crossed for you this time.....

Keep in contact with us all...!! PM me if you or your wife want to chat!

[Rockett]

Hi there Mr al

Wow,what a hard time you have both had.I wish you and your wife all the very best for this baby,I too will keep everything crossed for you,and please keep us up to date.Good luck!!:)

[mr_al]

Hi folks,

Firstly, thanks to all of you who wrote back, it was wonderful to hear from you, and to receive your words of encouragement.

Sadly, it was not to be, this time. We had our OB appointment for our 12 week checkup on the Friday just gone, and there was no heartbeat - our little one had died. A follow up formal ultrasound confirmed this, and showed a CRL associated with an 11, not 12 week baby.

We were fortunately enough to get in to have a emergency D&C that afternoon; I say fortunately because with a hot long weekend pending in Melbourne we did not want to face what we knew would come on...

Ironically, it is our wedding anniversary this weekend, and we were booked to stay in a fancy hotel in the city...so that's just what we did. Checked out of the day stay at Frances Perry, drove across the city and settled in for the night. Room service and champagne, Panadeine and hot water bottles. Talks of the future, and a couple of tears. We've got each other - we're madly in love - and something like this ain't going to suck us into any abyss.

You know what the hardest part is? Telling people who love you and have been cheering you on. Potential grandparents, siblings and cousins, close friends. Outside of what one goes through when they are in the middle of these things, the impact on those in the concentric circles of our lives seems greater...more of a sense of helplessness, I guess.

In the mean time, we've got each other, and we've got options...people to see, medical paths to explore etc. We're going to make some changes in our life...do some things we've been putting off, get some things done.

Take care guys and girls, and hopefully we'll be in touch with happier news in the future...

cheers,



Al

[Pixie]

Hiya
So sorry to hear your news, glad to hear your enjoyed your hotel stay and wish you the best in the future.

[Manxie]

Hi Mr_Al

I was so very sorry to read your latest post and send big cyber hugs to you and your wife. I hope you have some good news for us very soon.

Take good care of each other

[Rockett]

Hi Mr_Al

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.I wish you and your wife all the very best of luck for the future.Take care.:)

[xkwzit]

Hi Mr Al
Sorry to hear of your sad news. Sounds like you and your DW are an absolute rock for each other. I just wanted to say if you look after yourselves that's the best thing you can do for the rest of your families as well, they can draw strength from your strength.

Best wishes for better things for you next year.

[draught]

Sorry to hear the sad news but very glad to hear that you are supporting each other. Sending happy vibes your way

[Mischief]

Hi Mr Al.

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Its wonderful how much in love you and your wife and and how you have stuck together through all your hardships.

I really hope you get some good news soon.

Hugs to you both!!!!!

XXOO
Kat and Tiny

[kimmy]

Owww I'm so sorry to hear that.
I wish you both all the best for the new year.
Good luck & i send you my condolences.:(

[Blessed Mum]

Hi Mr_al,
So sorry to hear of your and wife's loss. Stay positive. Best of luck in the future - drop in anytime on bubhub and you will always get friendship, love, support .

Take care

[Lunar]

Mr_al,
I'm not going to say sorry as that is not going to help you. I will however say that you have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with your wife and you have to focus on that right now, make sure your wife is ok and you are too. When you are both ready to try again you will know when that time is right.

I had 2 m/c before concieving with this 1. We had a lot of trouble GETTING pregnant and then trouble with the little ones staying alive. If you want to chat about anything, pm me anytime.

I also would like to ask you if it was offered to do testing on the embryos? I was offered this with the second m/c but said I would test if it happened again (and I thank the stars above that it didn't). Was just a thought. As there are lots of genetic things out there that most of us are unaware of it might be a place you want to explore or it may not. I'm sure your doctors will help you out they seem pretty good.

Anyway take care and kisses to your wife from all here at bub hub.
Just know that there is always someone out there to talk to and there is no need to feel alone, the same goes to your wife.

[reAllytee]

I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you both & i have replied to your PM.
All i can say is that you both amaze me even in the face of such tragedy your love is strong & your willing to fight.
Sometimes i am left dumbfounded by the hardships some people are meant to face.
To see a man write " we are madly in love " is the most beautiful thing ever, it made me cry & even does so now as i write this.
The only way to look at it is that this just isnt the right time for whatever reason. I know thats horrible & may not be what you want to hear right now but your precious little one will come when its time so just keep going forwards for now knowing that.


********** HUGS ***********

[JenNT]

We've got each other - we're madly in love - and something like this ain't going to suck us into any abyss.


Al

I need a kleenex..........as sad as your story is, you have made it into something beautiful. I wish you and your wife all the best.

Jen.

[Mummabear]

Al,

There is nothing I can say that seems adequate.

You are two truly amazing people and I hope that one day your passed angels help guide a strong and beautiful angel earthside for you.

You are in my thoughts.

Larissa

[shereejoy]

Mr Al - wow what a story. My heart goes out to you both in these sad and devastating times. Gosh you and ur wife have the most beautiful bond, it is delightful to see. You are both so lucky to have each other and in saying that also deserve to share your love with a beautiful child. I am so so sorry that you of all people have to go through this, you just wonder sometimes, where is the justice!

Thinking of you and hoping there are much happier times ahead.

Big hugs and kisses to your wife and yourself. Hoping you heal in your own time soon.

[mr_al]

Hi all,

Thanks again to everyone who has written in the past few days, it is much appreciated. :)

We’re in recovery mode back here…women and men cope with these things differently, and go through very different experiences. Those of you who have been pregnant and have miscarried will know how ‘empty’ it can feel, and suffer the inevitable ‘hormone whiplash’ that has you up and down like a yo-yo. That, coupled with the physical feelings as your body gets back to it’s pre-pregnant state, can leave you feeling out of sorts for quite a while.

That’s my observation, anyway – and I’m a bloke!!

For the men, it’s a different thing again. I know in my experience most of the first few days is spent looking after my wife…telling people the news…just being there. The hardest moment is when it is time to return to work – for most guys I know work is a ‘safe’ place to be…a good place to solve problems, get stuff done, make stuff, fix stuff, deal with stuff. Things that guys enjoy doing. (Aside from drinking stuff, kicking stuff, and yelling at stuff, which is hopefully reserved for the weekend…)

Two things happen. If you’re like me, and you love solving problems, you get caught in a dichotomy, vis:

1. You want to be able to fix things at home, but you can’t. It can’t be fixed with glue, a shifter, or some fancy finger-work on the computer keyboard. It can be helped with a hug, a smooch, or, by baking, as I discovered when attempting to make cupcakes in the muffin tray on the weekend (inadvertently creating a new invention - “muffcakes” – of which I am inordinately proud). :D However, fellow men folk, solving recurrent miscarriages is not something that you can fix. For a bloke, this is deeply frustrating.

2. At work, you CAN fix stuff. There are mountains of it, and they will pay you for it. If you work hard, you can even relax, have a cup of tea, and maybe even a muffcake © . However…you are away from your wife, who you adore, and who is oscillating between being happy about planning for the future and how glad she is that her hubby can cook, and crying at…well, anything really. :(

Like most wounds, emotionally and physical, time is the best healer. People a lot braver than me – people who I love and trust - give me a hug, look me in the eye and say “Don’t give up – it will happen for you.” They are the sun that warms our skin, and has us peeking out from underneath the doona where it is warm, dark, and the world can’t get at you.

Because…they are right. We will try again, and it is for the reasons mentioned in Sheree’s posting this evening…we want to have a kid – our kid – because we love each other so much and we’re damned if this is going to beat us. We want them to have the best that mum and dad have to offer…plus that ‘mystery’ that makes them their own person. They are so wanted…if will power alone would bring them into the world, then between us, our friends, our families, and workmates, and even a bunch of people we don’t know that well…we’d have our own football and netball teams by now. I’d have to bake extra muffcakes ©.

Take care peoples, and keep those vibes coming. They’re working. ;)

Xo


Al

[draught]

Aw Big Al - what a good bloke and muffcake (c) maker you are!
I am sure that your wife appreciates the fact that you can communicate - a rare commodity these days to be sure.

[shereejoy]

Mr Al thank you for mentioning me in your post. You are a very rare male breed with your emotions and very comendable one at that, although I just asked my partner to read your post and he did so without hesitation and he was truely amazed at how strong you are for you and your wife and yet hurting at the same time. He was amazed at your story as we have been thru a little, but no way near as much as you. We have nearly even lost this current bubba as we did the previous m/c (twins), but am thankful and so blessed we are going really strong with this one now.

It astounds me how you can still go on at this early stage with these hidden obstacles in the way and try to get this ever so wanted child. I can totally understand your desire. Alls that I can say is that you go girl (boy in your case) ;)

Wishing you both a truck load of success for the future, you have truely touched me and others no doubt.

Thinking of you and please keep in touch.

[shereejoy]

Mr Al - just wanted to know how you and your wife are recovering. Well I hope. Just know all of us on Bubhub are thinking of you.

Take care

[Mischief]

Hey Mr Al, here with Sheere!!! Please let us know how you and your wife are going....we are all thinking about you!!!

You are truely an amazing couple! WHEN you have a child it will be cherished and loved like no one else I'm sure!

[mr_al]

Hi Sharee, Kat, everyone,

Thanks for the messages. It’s been a little over 3 weeks now, and feels like 3 months.

“Normal” life has taken over and it is amazing how quickly some things fade away, and yet remain with you like coloured spots in your eyes after watching a sunset.

The struggle for us both has been returning to work, and being greeted by innocent [?] workmates asking how our Xmas break was. Responses for such parties, who in our case do not form our circle of friends, fall into two camps: those who we know care or have an outside chance of understanding, we tell. They stare at us for 30 seconds, simply not knowing what to say. It is an unusual thing to see…people generally don’t know what to say, and as a result say nothing. A few sympathies and platitudes may spill out, as they feel they “need” to say something, but really…we know…there is nothing they can say that will make it better. Somehow, they know it too. Those who we feel have no idea, we joke that the break was around a month too short [insert polite workplace laughter] and we get on with our day.

At home, our friends and family have ramped up efforts to “see us”, which is lovely. They are the warm-towel straight from the tumble-dryer on a cold winters night. You know what I mean. We get the impression that many of them want to make sure that “we” are OK, rather than each of us as individuals. I don’t blame them. We both know how such traumas can drive a couple apart. Hell, look what Henry VIII did…talk about taking fertility issues badly. Sheesh.

A large part of me riles against such an acceptance that such struggles can be an “excuse” to walk away from a relationship, however. Violence I can understand, infidelity as well, even chronic addictive issues to a certain degree…but loving someone so much that you will go through the layers of hell with them to try and make a baby together…and when that fails, say the equivalent of “Well – this is too hard, I am going to try someone more fertile…best of luck”…I just don’t accept.

So – if family and friends want to gather around us and make sure we’re not flying apart, good for them. We’re not. We’re good. We’re more determined that ever. We’re going to Qld for 2 weeks holidays and are REALLY looking forward to that!!

In my previous post I mentioned how men and women cope with things differently, and as the bloke in this marriage I’ve been waiting for my own tsunami wave to hit. In typical fashion, it has come in the form of work. I’m a white-collar guy, love my job and love my profession. I’m managing something pretty important at the moment, and the desire to “fix” it and “get it right” and, dare I say it “get this baby delivered” has rushed in to fill the empty spaces in my soul like the ocean rushes in to fill the moat on a kids’ sandcastle. This week the missus found me face-down in the spare bedroom at 2 in the morning, having worked solidly from this very seat until 1, and then collapsing with my eyes on stalks. Average night to bed has been around midnight, on stuff that could probably be easily delegated. Her frustration with me was a wake-up call, and I’m now committed to slipping into bed at the same time, and just letting it all go.

On her side of the fence, it is time for chance. The shirt-and-tie world has never sat well with my wife, who has a big heart which is easily bruised in the bare-knuckled fight which is the workforce. For years our get-out-of-jail card has been “we’ll have a baby and you’ll never work again”. That hasn’t worked out for us, so it’s time for a jail break. By the end of June she’ll be out of there. She’s considering a return to study to fill the gap, back to some things she is generally interested in. I told her it’d been over a decade since I dated a college chick, and that she could go right ahead… ;-)

Post-miscarriage hormones cannot be ignored, but can’t be cured either. Those of you who have been there know what I mean. Nature is as cruel as it is creative. We have gotten far better as a couple with understanding what the immediate two months after a miscarriage mean for us, how we engage each other, how frustrations should get dealt with. It’s only other vets could understand…

On the medical front, the waiting game again. The D&C was as clean as you get them; I’ve heard horror stories. We went and saw our Chinese medical guy, who thought her recovery was going well, and has given her some healing herbs to get the uterus in as good a state as possible to give it another burl when we are at that time. In the mean time, we see our OB in the 2nd week of Feb, and will see what she has to say. We are hoping that there are some indicative test results from the D&C tissue sample that can shed some light on what might have happened “this time”. Even if they have not been able to get results, we do have a shiny $500 invoice magnet-ed to the fridge from the test lab. Yay. Happy new year, genetics lab. You da man. Other things to explore include the possible slight uterine bifurcation, so we’ll just have to see.

In the mean time, the tennis is on, it’s a short workin’ week, and the missus’ birthday next week. Plenty to do.

Take care peoples and I’ll write when we have more news.

Xo


Al

[rynosmum]

Mr_al, My heart goes out to yourself and your wife.

I remember having to relive my experience so many times - to my family, to my workmates, to my clients who were just hearing that I was pregnant and were calling to congratulate me. So often I could hear a pin drop after I told someone - people didn't know what to say which was sometimes a blessing.

But one day, you wake up and the world is a different place. You wonder how you ever got here, you wonder how things could ever have been different. You don't forget the pain, the loss or the suffering. You can almost touch the disappointment and the sense of failure that once absorbed you. But it's out of your reach....

The sun is out, the sky is blue and the birds are singing in full voice. Your clouds will pass and I hope that we are all here to share that very special day with you all.