The things NOT to say...

[MilkOnTap]

There has been a lot of sadness through these threads of late and quite a few women have lost their little miracles. It has reminded me of when I lost my angels and of the lack of understanding, support and TACT that some people had when attempting to comfort or reassure me.

So this thread is for all those who have suffered a loss, to vent about the worst things that people said to you which only seemed to rub salt into the wound. This thread may also help those who have fortunately never experienced a loss understand a little bit more of how we are feeling.


List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"

[Shanaynay]

3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again

[SorenLorensen]

the worst one i got told. i lost the baby because i told everyone befor 3 months, that was WHY acroding to her i lost my bub

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"


by the way...great thread:thumbsup:

[Pippi Longstocking]

"It's nature's way" Some animals eat their own young which is also natures way, doesn't make it any easier to cope with!
"It's God's will" Well then, I'd like to have a word to this God o' yours that believes infanticide is an ok thing to inflict on people!
"You can always have another one". I don't want another one, I wanted that one!

[SilverStarfish]

I actually heard someone say #6 to a friend of mine after she'd m/c. I nearly died. What a terrible thing to say!


List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"

[Duchessa]

"A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think". Right. Three out of the last four of mine have ended in miscarriage d*ckwad, I think I know how common it is, taa thank you very much.

[M O P]

I'm reading this thread with interest, I've never experienced the pain of a loss like this and I never know what to say.
Thankfully I've never said (or would dream of saying) any of these things.

[Duchessa]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"

[nuddle]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"

[MilkOnTap]

10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"

:eek: :eek: :eek:
Speechless

[SilverStarfish]

Oh yeah, I got that one a few times too. :thumbsdown:

[cmd'smum]

Yep, I pretty much got all the things you guys have listed :rolleyes: If those things were true then why does it still hurt so much and why can't you EVER get over that baby that would've been?:thumbsdown:

[rynosmum]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time

[punkbaby]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?

[mumx3littlies]

:eek: :eek: :eek:
Speechless

OMG I reckon. Thats real twisted:eek:

[Queen]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..

[Bron]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)

[Bewitched]

10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"

Yep, i got that too, how infuriating that was. I held my twin girls, and while they were not much bigger than my hands, they were very very real, and i should have told that person that, just to leave them as speechless as they had left me..:crying: some people have no idea..

[cmd'smum]

Yep, i got that too, how infuriating that was. I held my twin girls, and while they were not much bigger than my hands, they were very very real, and i should have told that person that, just to leave them as speechless as they had left me..:crying: some people have no idea..

So sorry for your loss :hugs:

I m/c a baby boy at 13 weeks and my DH also held him and just like you said, he was only small but he WAS real!:(

[Bewitched]

So sorry for your loss :hugs:

I m/c a baby boy at 13 weeks and my DH also held him and just like you said, he was only small but he WAS real!:(

Thanks for the hug, so sorry for your loss also :hugs:

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

The worst one i heard was "i know how you feel".
No you friggin dont...!

[♥Heaven Sent♥]

It was for the best.
You dont need another one now anyway.

[Pippi Longstocking]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."

[Harlequin]

What should people say if a friend tells them they have experienced such a loss?
I seriously wouldn't know what to say for fear of upsetting them or something. :(

[Aquamarine]

What should people say if a friend tells them they have experienced such a loss?
I seriously wouldn't know what to say for fear of upsetting them or something. :(


That's a good question too.

My sister in law suffered 2 pregnancy losses and all I said to her was 'I am here if you need a chat'.

Is this somewhere along the lines of what you would want to hear?:o

[Zeal]

I m/c last december with an unplanned pregnancy and my own mother said to me that same day "you'll have to think of using contraception next time, if you want to plan when the next one comes" Wonderful timing!

[nut]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
When someone said this to me just after my first miscariage I felt like I would die if I ever had to go througfh another loss. I just wanted to deal with the loss at hand not to think about losing more babies in the future.:gloomy:

[BubbaNoogie]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.

[Lirael]

all of these on the list, but I just want to add,
all I wanted someone to say was 'its ok to be angry, its ok to grieve(sp?)'
i just wanted it to be acknowledged instead of ignored

[RoarsomeMum]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.


I honestly don't think people realise how much these statements hurt.. and how they play through our thoughts, and replay in our minds if we are lucky enough to fall pregnant again.. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: everyone

[Bron]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)

[cheekypossum]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you




This kind of loss is something that I would never wish on my worst enemy..........I don't think people realise that no words will take away the pain....just being there for them is sometimes all people need :)

[ziggie]

Please don't take this the wrong way.....

How are the people who've never had a m/c supposed to react then? What can we say to not make you feel worse? I struggle with words, and this is amplified 100% when I need to find words to express how I'm feeling when someone I care for has had a loss. (And yes, I'm talking about you ladies that I care for here on bubhub) I can't help by getting a bit upset and defensive, because there's one or two comments I've made on your list (or along similar lines). I thought I was saying the right thing, and to know I may have rubbed salt into your wounds makes me want to cry.

Can you start a list of what TO say?

[Mahjong]

I was absolutely shocked with the amount of TACTLESS people that surrounded my SIL when she lost her twins to an etopic pregancy, and reading this thread, I think nearly all of the phrases you have posted had been said to her.

The one that stuck out to me was "You can always try again", I really wanted to punch the person when they said that to her.

I think also, not acknowledging that this baby they have lot as a little person lost instead of just a "thing" frustrates me to no end. It was a still their child, regardless of the gestation!

[cheekypossum]

Please don't take this the wrong way.....

How are the people who've never had a m/c supposed to react then? What can we say to not make you feel worse? I struggle with words, and this is amplified 100% when I need to find words to express how I'm feeling when someone I care for has had a loss. (And yes, I'm talking about you ladies that I care for here on bubhub) I can't help by getting a bit upset and defensive, because there's one or two comments I've made on your list (or along similar lines). I thought I was saying the right thing, and to know I may have rubbed salt into your wounds makes me want to cry.

Can you start a list of what TO say?


Sarah

I think we all have been in a situation where we have had to comfort someone and not know what to say.

I understand everyone is different.....so here is what I feel


It is not so much what to say.....but to listen......I just wanted to talk about my beautiful daughters.....I wanted to feel angry....I wanted to cry......I just wanted someone to listen.....there are no words that can take away the pain....but you can be there as a friend.


I hope that makes sense :)

[ziggie]

Sarah

I think we all have been in a situation where we have had to comfort someone and not know what to say.

I understand everyone is different.....so here is what I feel


It is not so much what to say.....but to listen......I just wanted to talk about my beautiful daughters.....I wanted to feel angry....I wanted to cry......I just wanted someone to listen.....there are no words that can take away the pain....but you can be there as a friend.


I hope that makes sense :)

Thanks for that Tash.... Maybe I should just say that I'm here if you need to talk. It just doesn't seem enough KWIM? Especially when the words are on a computer screen with only cute little faces to show emotion.

[Bron]

Sarah, I think it is lovely that you are asking what you should say. MissBehave has started a thread on the very topic, but basically, what you should say is "I'm sorry and I care about you and if you need to talk, I'll listen". It lets someone know that you care, but doesn't pressure them into talking when they may not want to.

Sometimes I wanted to talk for hours about my loss, other times I wanted everyone to shut up about it so we could talk about something utterly inane. Support and love is all a friend really needs in that situation.

[ziggie]

Thanks Bron :hugs:
I'll go have a look at Miss B's thread.

[v8mum]

I had 3m/c from trying naturally and heard every single one of those on the list. I started ivf last month and fell preg 2weeks ago. I had some bleeding but everything was going fine. Last week "my best friend" said to me if this doesnt work are you going to try again. I felt like punching her and screaming i am still preg can you be happy now and not wonder what i am going to do if something happens. I lost the baby over the weekend and those words keep playing in my head.

[Bron]

I'm so sorry for your loss v8mum. :hugs:

[V8]

I had 3m/c from trying naturally and heard every single one of those on the list. I started ivf last month and fell preg 2weeks ago. I had some bleeding but everything was going fine. Last week "my best friend" said to me if this doesnt work are you going to try again. I felt like punching her and screaming i am still preg can you be happy now and not wonder what i am going to do if something happens. I lost the baby over the weekend and those words keep playing in my head.

OMG, i am so sorry that you lost your bubba and to have that running through your head is terrible, some people really have no idea what to say or how how to say it.

One of my friends said, 'i'm not going to tiptoe around a subject just because it upsets YOU, get over it!' She was talking about what she was going to call her babies two weeks after i had lost mine I just said that's nice, but can we not talk about it now.

[cheekypossum]

v8mum, I am so sorry for you loss :hugs:

What a terrible thing to happen :hugs:

[Duchessa]

V8mum, :hugs:

[Lirael]

V8mum im so sorry for your loss :hugs: :hugs:

[mysonroger]

Please don't take this the wrong way.....

How are the people who've never had a m/c supposed to react then? What can we say to not make you feel worse? I struggle with words, and this is amplified 100% when I need to find words to express how I'm feeling when someone I care for has had a loss. (And yes, I'm talking about you ladies that I care for here on bubhub) I can't help by getting a bit upset and defensive, because there's one or two comments I've made on your list (or along similar lines). I thought I was saying the right thing, and to know I may have rubbed salt into your wounds makes me want to cry.

Can you start a list of what TO say?


don't be angry or upset. its ok. some of those things on the list i find acceptable and ok and i've had three miscarriages.....it depends on the individual and what motivates them. i'm still recovering from my last MC at 16 weeks and if someone said to me that such and such went on to have a healthy baby after two MC - well, that would have been a good thing to say to me becuase i need hope and confidence that i will get another opportunity soon.

everyone is different. proobably the best thing i've read so far is 'it's ok to be angry. I'm here when you need me. ' :thumbsup:

another good thing to say is "it's ok to cry..."

[SilverStarfish]

I found that too. It depended on who was saying what, as to whether I found it comforting or not.

When I lost my baby it was comforting to talk to DH's (very pregnant!) cousin, because she'd lost a baby when I was pregnant with Sarah - and when she said she was sorry and knew how I felt, it was ok. I was glad to talk to her about it.

[mysonroger]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you


30. after my 16 week baby died from Down Syndrome related complications, people would ask me if i would try again, hear my response and then say to me . "You're going to what? You're going to try again???? Really??"

after above pregnancy ended = " Well, while you're in there delivering him, maybe you should get your tubes tied as well" (sorry, this was so bad i laughed when my aunty said it)

. After same pregnancy ended " So Roger, do you take this as a sign that you should just STOP trying to have more babies?" This comment from so-called friend managed to slow my recovery dramatically.

[smelly]

I don't know whether I should post in this thread or in the one called "what TO say", but I just wanted to reassure Sarah that some of the things on that list would have been acceptable to me too. After my daughter's stillbirth I received all sorts of comments, some that were comforting and some that weren't. But i just kept reminding myself that no one is perfect and the comments were coming from well-meaning friends who were just trying to let me know that they care about me and hated that I was so sad. Personally I struggle when friends are faced with a tragedy, so I could understand why friends might make seemingly insensitive remarks - they were hoping to make me feel better. For what it's worth, the best comment I ever received was:
"You can call me whenever you like, but I'm just letting you know that I'll phone you every now and then in case you want a chat". The reason that was so good was that there were times I was desperate to talk to someone but just didn't know how to start! It was so much easier when my friend called me and told me that she was thinking of me... :)

[Duchessa]

There is a lot of truth to that, Smelly. It definitely does depend on the timing of the comments and the relationship you have with the commentator.

And how upset/angry/sad/lost/hurt/embittered you are at any point in time :)

I have to say it was nice to vent in this thread about the things people say. And nice to know the emotion is shared by so many. *insert hugs*

[MilkOnTap]

It is not so much what to say.....but to listen......I just wanted to talk about my beautiful daughters.....I wanted to feel angry....I wanted to cry......I just wanted someone to listen.....there are no words that can take away the pain....but you can be there as a friend.

That is what I found helped. Not so much words or actions - but just a listening ear, comfort and support. A phone call - not avoiding me or the subject but being prepared to listen to anything for any amount of time :yes:


I have to say it was nice to vent in this thread about the things people say. And nice to know the emotion is shared by so many. *insert hugs*

Oh good! I'm glad that I could help... Its reassuring and comforting to be able to vent freely with people who understand :hugs:

[hailse75]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you
30. after my 16 week baby died from Down Syndrome related complications, people would ask me if i would try again, hear my response and then say to me . "You're going to what? You're going to try again???? Really??"
31. "Well, you know what they say about m/c......at least you can get pregnant"
32. You'd feel worse if you'd lost a term baby. (and this from my GP)

I know they're only trying to help, but simply saying "sorry" would be wonderful.

[nicki_mara]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss
1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you
30. after my 16 week baby died from Down Syndrome related complications, people would ask me if i would try again, hear my response and then say to me . "You're going to what? You're going to try again???? Really??"
31. "Well, you know what they say about m/c......at least you can get pregnant"
32. You'd feel worse if you'd lost a term baby. (and this from my GP)
33. "Do you know what sex the babies were? I had a friend who could only carry boys..."
34. "You probably just need a holiday and it will happen". People misunderstanding that falling pregnant is not our problem.

[Queen]

:hugs: I have nothing else to add the list...I just wanted to send out:hugs: lots of these:hugs: to everyone that has lost a bub, no matter when:hugs:

[Mother Duck]

1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you
30. after my 16 week baby died from Down Syndrome related complications, people would ask me if i would try again, hear my response and then say to me . "You're going to what? You're going to try again???? Really??"
31. "Well, you know what they say about m/c......at least you can get pregnant"
32. You'd feel worse if you'd lost a term baby. (and this from my GP)
33. "Do you know what sex the babies were? I had a friend who could only carry boys..."
34. "You probably just need a holiday and it will happen". People misunderstanding that falling pregnant is not our problem.
35. (from the GP himself) - if you were pg you're not now go home you will have a heavy period (to pass a 14 wk foetus THAT night OMG like I don't know my dates - tosser!)
36. You'll be right (similar to one above sorry)

[Areca]

One I heard yesterday when a woman was telling another woman she has suffered two miscarriages. She said the first one was worst cause she was 10 weeks, the second one she was 7. She said not being that far along meant it wasn't as bad. Now I took this as being physically not as bad, less to miscarry cause they baby wasn't as big. This stupid woman came out with
'well you only would've just known so it wouldn't have been as big a loss as your first would it? You wouldn't really have been attached to that one but by 10 weeks you think you'd be safe'

Now I don't always know what to say but I know better than to justify a loss by saying it wasn't so bad cause you weren't far along.

[Wish_Bear]

Wow I can't believe the things people say!!! I have never had a miscarriage but would never say any of those things to anyone going through the loss of a baby! Amazing how insensitive people can be :eek:

[eternalmaternal]

1. "It mustn't have been the right time..."
2. "There must have been something wrong with it"
3. Natures way of taking care of a child who would have been disabled
4. You can always try again
5. "It was the 3 month curse"
6. "Well Jack said he didn't want a little brother or sister anyway"
7. "These things happen, it obviously wasn't meant to be"
8. "A third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - it's more common than you think"
9. "It will be easier with the twins a bit older"
10. "Its not like they were real babies yet"
11. You'll be right next time
12. You just need to keep trying
13. At least you get to practice again!
14. It's probably better this way
15. Maybe you let yourself get too stressed this time
16. Are you ok?
17. Thats what you get for trying to have kids with HIM..
18. You obviously didn't REALLY want it..
19. So, do they know what's wrong with you?
20. Silence, nothing, no contact(yes, I mean silence. No phone call, no email, not even a clumsy attempt, just ignored completely)
21. "Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage, I was so devastated blah blah blah..."
22. Yes- my sister has had three miscarriages but then went on to have a healthy baby.
23. "You shouldn't have told anyone until after 12 weeks"
Yes we told everyone early, but I miscarried the twins at 14 weeks. So sorry it upset you but we are devastated.
24. You wanted it too much, when you relax, everything eill be O.K.
25. You will get over it, at least you were spared a stillbirth.
26. I haven't told anyone else yet, and I'm only 6 weeks, but I'M PREGNANT (OK, that's great news, but perhaps, just maybe you could have waited another week to tell me???)
27. WHEN are you going to get over this Tash? Come on now...it is time to move on
28. Not acknowledging Layla and Paige as our 1st borns...that really really hurts. Especially when they are family....it is like they never existed in our lives
29. People crossing the road, so they don't have to talk to you
30. after my 16 week baby died from Down Syndrome related complications, people would ask me if i would try again, hear my response and then say to me . "You're going to what? You're going to try again???? Really??"
31. "Well, you know what they say about m/c......at least you can get pregnant"
32. You'd feel worse if you'd lost a term baby. (and this from my GP)
33. "Do you know what sex the babies were? I had a friend who could only carry boys..."
34. "You probably just need a holiday and it will happen". People misunderstanding that falling pregnant is not our problem.
35. (from the GP himself) - if you were pg you're not now go home you will have a heavy period (to pass a 14 wk foetus THAT night OMG like I don't know my dates - tosser!)
36. You'll be right (similar to one above sorry)
37. You look too younh to be having a baby anyway( I was 21 and from the doctor).
38.Whats wrong with you do you have pain or are you crying about the baby?)from the nurse as I was miscarrying)

[Kadwil]

Wow, there are things in the list that I would be OK with, but then other things I am just dropping my jaw at! I guess I was lucky in that I didn't get very bad ones like ones I have just read! Most of the things that were said that hurt, I was able to put it down to the fact that they just didn't know what else to say. Well, at least they didn't egnore me. That was the hardest - silence. Please acknowledge me and my baby!

[brookeme]

:no: Unsure how to include the whole list in my reply but I had a heap of comments, one in particular: Maybe you should just be happy with the 2 you've got OR there is obviously something wrong with you or the babies. Especially the last 2 mc cos they were 12 and 16 weeks.:hugs: Sorry for all your losses.

[TemJordsNTirra]

List of Things NOT to say after a loss

31. "Well, you know what they say about m/c......at least you can get pregnant"


I know they're only trying to help, but simply saying "sorry" would be wonderful.

(Not sure If I did that Quote thing Right I've never done it b4, LoL)

On that, I must say after my 2 m/c I actually found that almost ...mm no comforting. . but. . Just, Well I guess it almost was. . Because they were right. It took a while for someone to say it(I got told at 17 i couldnt have kids)
So to hear that, was almost what I needed!

Weird. LoL

Ill also add, that alot of that stuff was said to me, I never got angry or upset. . At any of them, I know they were just doin their best to try & Help me.
Sarah, one day . . .they will look back , & appreciate how much you were just THERE.
:)

[mimee]

Don't ever say...

1. You're young, you can have more children.
2. So when are you going to have another one?
3. He is in good hands now.
4. You didn't know your baby yet.
5. It's happened for the best.
6. He may have had a disability or handicapped if he survived.
7. You already HAVE other children.
8. There is a reason why this happened to you.
9.It must have been something you did.

......people can be so insensitive....
Every baby is unique and special and can never ever be replaced.

[hayleysmummy]

i have been reading everyones posts and even though i have never lost a child i would never say something like that to someone who has i have a poem i got from another website and wanted to share it with people that have had a loss in their lives.
called ANGELS IN HEAVEN
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to god today I asked what makes a mother? and i know i heard him say
A mother has a babythis we know is true
But god can you be a mother when your babys not with you?Yes you can ge replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies when they leave its not there choice Some i send for a lifetime others for a a day And some i send to feel your wombbut theres no need to stay. I just dont understand this godi want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat then i saw a tearI wish i could show what your child is doing today If you could seeyour child smile with other children and say, We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and life and fear.My Mummy loved me so much i got to come straight here.I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me.Ilearned my lessons very quickly my mummy set me free. I miss my mummy oh so much but i visit her each day when she goes to sleep on her pillows where i lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.Mummy dont be sad today im your baby and im here.So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay. Your babies are here in my home and this is where theyll stay.Theyll wait for you with me untill your lessons are through.And on the day you come home theyll be at the gates for you.So now you see what makes a mother Its the feeling in your heart. Its the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realise untill there time is done remember all the love have and know that you are a special MUM
I thought this poem was beautiful and wanted to share it with mums that have lost their beautiful babies

[nicki_mara]

Thanks hayleysmummy for posting the poem. It is beautiful. I have lost 6 babies through miscarriage and it's so hard when you are not recognised as a proper 'mum' but you feel like you have loved like one. :hugs:

[mum2threeplus1]

For me it was alot of the fore mentioned, but also
At your age what do you expect! :thumbsdown: :crying:
p.s I'm now 37

[angelickaren]

i too have had 3 m/c over time its never easy every one i felt different in how i grieved (sp) for them but yes i have also had most of these said to me. i am so sorry for every one who have lost little angels :hugs: :hugs: to you all.

[Missy75]

The BEST thing anyone said to me was 'oh, I'm so sorry for your loss', and that was it. I was so grateful to her and I sent her a card thanking her.

[Blueberry Crumble]

I think the problem is that people who have never experienced such a terrible loss just dont know what to say, dont think it is that bigger deal (I know that it is!) and are insensitive because they are completely ignorant. Some of those things on that list are completely disgraceful, but a couple of those comments are probably innocent things said by those who simply have never had a misscarraige, and didnt really know what to say.

I remember when I was younger, I used to think that miscarraige wasn't a big deal when I was younger-Now that I have my own baby I know that it would be the most painful thing to be pregnant and lose it. To me, life begins right at that very beginning.

So this thread is really a good idea, as some people dont honestly know what to do or say.

[GeorgiaAnne]

:eek: OMG I cant believe people would say these things. :hugs: to all who have loved and lost.

[nessaw1978]

I had 3m/c from trying naturally and heard every single one of those on the list. I started ivf last month and fell preg 2weeks ago. I had some bleeding but everything was going fine. Last week "my best friend" said to me if this doesnt work are you going to try again. I felt like punching her and screaming i am still preg can you be happy now and not wonder what i am going to do if something happens. I lost the baby over the weekend and those words keep playing in my head.

Thinking of you and your angel's V8mum.:angel:

[stephie]

The worst thing that anyone ever said to me was "At least you didnt have to go through the pain of child birth!" :eek:

I could'nt believe anyone would think that comment would make me feel better!