Can I do it this time?? Alcohol.......

[natasha]

So a lot of you know I have a drink problem, gosh that sounds lame. I tried to give up drink about 6 months ago, I had such a lot of support from ladies off bubhub. I struggled the very first night. I cracked and started drinking again after 2 days. I felt so let down by myself. I havent had a week without a drink for years. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. It is a fight to wait to get DD in bed at 7pm before I open my first bottle of wine.

I LOVE drinking. Love it. But my God do I hate it. Makes no sense does it. Its my best friend and my worst enemy.

I love that numbness it gives me. I love passing out. But I hate myself for it. I hate what I have become. The person I have become. I hate waking up and crying the next morning because I was weak and couldn't go without for one night.:o I feel so weak.

I should have known I was going to go down this path. Most people in my family are alcoholics. I thought I had it under control. Thought I could stop any time I wanted. I came to the realisation about a year ago that it has one huge hold over me. It owns me.

I actualy cry when I drink sometimes. Cry as I take my first sip, because I don't want to put it to my lips. But I do, and I cry as I drink my first glass.

I opened up to DH when i was drunk the other night. I told him everything like I never had before. He had never fully realised what I was battling with.

He scooped me up and told me he would do anything to help me.

Yesterday he helped me not drink. He kept telling me I can do it. And I did!!! I didnt drink yesterday or last night. Neither did he. He said we can both have a try at not drinking and we can help eachother.

Only tonight he has caved. He said he only wants one glass, and it's true, he can only have a few drinks and then stop. So he's sitting there with a glass of wine. He even poured me one and said we will just have this bottle between us.:( I took a sip and started crying. I cried and told him I didnt want it.I went and poured it down the sink.
Suprisingly, he did the same!!!!:yelclap:

I actualy helped him, help me!

GO NASH!:laughing:

Its all i can think about right now. I want the taste of it in my mouth. But I really am going to try this time.
I really need and want to do this.

Wish me luck!!

[floggadog]

He scooped me up and told me he would do anything to help me.

Yesterday he helped me not drink. He kept telling me I can do it. And I did!!! I didnt drink yesterday or last night. Neither did he. He said we can both have a try at not drinking and we can help eachother.

Only tonight he has caved. He said he only wants one glass, and it's true, he can only have a few drinks and then stop. So he's sitting there with a glass of wine. He even poured me one and said we will just have this bottle between us. I took a sip and started crying. I cried and told him I didnt want it.I went and poured it down the sink.
Suprisingly, he did the same!!!!:yelclap:

I actualy helped him, help me!



!!

Reading this made me :crying: What a beautiful caring man you have.I hope you find all the strength you need to squash this demon. I also hope you can work out why you need to feel numb in the first place.:thumbsup: You can do this ONE DAY AT A TIME.:hugs:

[Shanaynay]

YOU CAN DO IT!! :smiliedance: :smiliedance: :smiliedance:

[kiah]

:hugs: Keep trying.

[TJ]

You can do it nash, I know you can.
You really seem like you are READY to and that you actually WANT to give it away.
So now seems like a perfect time!!

Wishing you all the very best, you already know you have the support from us on BH and its fantastic that your DH is now on the band wagon as well!

NO NATASHA NO, NO NATASHA NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO NATASHA!!!! :thumbsup:

[natasha]

NO NATASHA NO, NO NATASHA NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO NATASHA!!!! :thumbsup:

Oh that has just given me the best giggles!!!! :laughing: :hugs:

I think I am ready....:yes: I just want so much to do it, for me and my family. Grrr but I want my wine soooo much!!!! Im typing like a million words a minute, just to keep my hands busy. So you understand why my post count will rocket tonight lol.

[Ashleigh<3]

Good work Nash :hugs:

[Aquamarine]

Sending you lots of will power, happiness and strength!:wizard:

[Grace3]

Keep trying :thumbsup: One day at a time.

[melfunction]

Go for it Natasha. You are a strong girl. You know you can do it.

Don't be afraid to ask for help though if you need it.

Sincerely,

M

[reAllytee]

You can do this.

Stay strong :hugs:

[mum33]

i can understand your reasoning in why you do it.....

:hugs: you can do this nash :yes:

we are all here for you and we all believe in you!!!

[Blessed Mum]

I hope you can natasha. You sound really ready & what a great achievement it will be hun. Remember one day at a time :)

[*Chels*]

I think if you cant do this for your daughter,and are struggling to do it for yourself-you need to go to AA.Best of luck.

[Buddha Bubbas]

You wont know yourself when you beat this Natasha.

And you WILL beat it. You ARE strong and you CAN do it! Do it for yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT! :hugs:

[pookiesossige]

You are SO strong, Natasha, you can do this!!
But have you considered reaching out to other supports around you, like AA? Or counselling to bring out and deal with the reasons for your need to feel numb? Is that such a bad idea? If it will help when times (inevitably) get tough and set you up for the rest of your life??

I remember your last thread- and I know that you can do this- this time may well be the last time you ever try. Best of luck to you, it's hard work but you and your family deserve the happiness that will come when you break the ties you have to alcohol. :hugs: :hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

Yes you CAN do it!

:yes:

[natasha]

Aw thanks for all the support girls. I feel so silly trying again after I failed last time. I was so naive to think I was beating it last time.

But, today is day 3! 2 days without drink so far! I woke up really cranky this morning. I just feel down. And so tired.:thumbsdown:

[bronny-jane]

:yelclap: your doing well, and good on your dh:yelclap: thats great, your going to do it, the other time was just a practice run:D

[rynosmum]

Nash, never ever feel silly for trying to do something that is a positive step for your future. Not ever.

You sent me some lovely words of support over the last couple of days. You are a truly wonderful person. We will help you from here in anyway that we can.

It is such a huge fight for you though - don't ignore professional help, it may just help you through some of the extra rough patches.

You know what you want to do and what you need to do - get all the help in the world to help you get there. In the meantime, we'll all be supporting you from the sidelines:smiliedance: :hugs:

[Grace3]

Hang in there.:thumbsdown:

Keep up the good work. :yelclap:


Grace

[Grace3]

Sorry wrong one

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[natasha]

Thanks for all your kind and supportive words. Tonight it really hard. Its 7 pm here. DD has just gone to bed. This is the worse time, the worst craving time.My mouth is litteraly watering. I can almost taste it.:o

Dh went out today for a beer with his mates because he felt like a pint and he didnt want to drink infront of me. I wasn't feeling well at all. I was freezing all day when DH said it was lovely and warm. I was feeling sick to my stomach, and my teeth were grinding. I looked like death. I dont really know if it was not drinking that caused it. It could even be that my antidepressants have finaly been allowed to start working properly after years of mixing them with drink.

Anyway, I got a shower when DH came back. Just sat in the bottom for about an hour letting the water pour down on me. It felt so nice and peaceful I fell asleep.:o


I am dying for a drink. Im trying to sip fizzy water like I would wine, to keep me doing something. I have about 4 bottles of nice wine in the fridge. I cant bear to throw it out just yet.:o

I guess its the ulimate challenge hey. Knowing its just ten metres away. ARRRGGGHHHHHH
Sorry, I just want it so much tonight. ARGHHHHHHH

[Grace3]

I don't know where you live but in sydney there are heaps of AA's happening in the evenings....could you go to one, when your feeling down?

I went to Alanon, It was ok but obvousily diff to AA

I was thinking about you only 15 mins ago wondering how you were going. My mum has a serious prob with wine. I love how you are trying to help yourself and I admire you for that. It takes a strong person.

Hang in there.

:hugs:

[ziggie]

Well done for day 3 Nash... I have every faith in the world that you'll do it this time :yes: . You must be one very strong lady to not have touched the 4 bottles in your fridge... Keep up the good work, we're all here for you! :hugs:

[♥Heaven Sent♥]

OMG that brought tears to my eyes Tash.

I am wishing you luck and that you have all the strength in the world to stop.

[TJ]

3 down, thats not a bad effort at all Natasha!!

You can do it, i have faith in you, so you have to have faith in your self also babe!!!

Together, you and all of us on BH will be able to do this :yes:

Have a chocolate milk or soething instead.... ok i know its not the same, but drink it out of a wine glass if you like??

[AM]

Sending you all of my strength and support...so, so tough...Glad you have support...YOU CAN DO IT!!!:yes: :yes:

Are you going to do AA at all? (The 12 step programme?) It helped me immensely.

[natasha]

I did it! I got through last night without a drink!!! Im so proud of myself!! You have no idea how long it has been since I have gone 3 nights without drink!!!!!!!!!
DH keeps telling me he's really proud of me.:hugs:

And, I know I shouldn't, but I stepped on the scales this morning, and Iv lost 3kg!!!!!!!:eek: :yelclap: Simply by not drinking and drinking more water.

Its getting easier. I didnt think about drink when I first woke up this morning. I woke up and thought 'welcome to day 4 without drink!!!!'

My face isn't bloated anymore which im so happy about.

Im going out tonight to DH's brothers, a plce where I usualy get so drunk i fall asleep in the car on the way home.Im worried they will ask me if i want a drink and ill say yes. They dont know i have a drink problem, I dont want to tell them, its embarressing. But if I say no, they will want to know whats wrong, because nash NEVER says no to a glass of wine.Fingers crossed for me that i can do it and say no.

[Jax Tellers Old Lady]

Hi Natatsha im so proud of you and your efforts to beat this addiction. You should be proud of yourself. :hugs:

[belinda]

oh you have dont such a fantastic job you can do it... and hopefully tonight you can say no to dh brother.. (they will probably think your pregnant or something hehehehehe)

you are such a strong woman you have done a great job and wow on the weight loss from just not drinking.

[floggadog]

Congrats for reaching day 4. You're doing it, one day at a time.
I guess you could think of refusing a drink tonight as similar to being on a diet & refusing the yummy slice of Black Forrest cake with cream. In fact you can NOT drink as a part of your new health kick;) .
Good luck. You've made it this far , your strength is shining through:hugs:

[Beany]

Well done Nash!

You've dealt with far worse than a bottle of wine - you can beat this.

[Manxie]

well done Natasha, slowly slowly, you are doing really well.

I think that if you think you are going to be really tempted tonight then you shouldnt go to your BIL. Dont make it harder for you than it already is, its only early days. Or give them a strong reason why you cant have a drink i.e. on medication so they arent hassling you all night.

Personally if it was me I'd stay home though but whatever you decide good luck and keep strong:D

[whatwasithinking]

To admit you have a problem is a huge step and I appluad you and am proud of you for that.

Have you considered AA?

I am an Alcoholic and at my lowest point rang them up and they immediatly came over to my house to chat and help me get my head around my problem and even supported me to attend my first AA meeting.

It really saved my life.

Whilst I have the occassional drink since (literally only 2 a week pre pregnancy) I know that I wouldn't be who or where I am now had I not made that first step.

You admitting it was better than me - it took AA for me to realise I had a problem.

May you and your partner both get through this and support each other in anyway that you feel needs to be done.

If you need to chat feel free to PM me anytime!

They say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and that is true. It will always be with you. I am just one of the lucky few that can finally control it and not let it control me.

[Bewitched]

Battling any addiction is so hard, but you sound ready to really kick it in the guts for good, good luck sweets!! :fingerscrossed: :thumbsup:

[natasha]

Aw how nice it is to come on here and read all your lovely messages. Thanks girls, it has really helped me more than you can imagine.

Im defo going to look into AA meetings around here. I never knew they made house calls though!!!

Me and DH had a fight tonight over something stupid. I was cracking up. I had the worst headache and he wouldn't just shut up. I knew my wine in the fridge would make it all better,knew it would kill the pain,but I looked at Anna and knew I want to be more than a drunken alcoholic mother to her. I want her to look up to me with pride.
I took some deep breathes. Told the lil devil on my shoulder to **** off....:D it helps...:o , picked anna up and gave her a hug and secretly promised myself I will NEVER turn into my mother. I will be there for my daughter. I will always put her first. I will never let her come home from school to see me passed out on the sofa.
I want more for her, and myself. I want her to be proud to say to her friends 'that's my mum' rather than feeling ashamed when I walk up to her, fat, bloated and stinking of alcohol.

I didn't go to DH's bro's tonight.:smiliedance:

And I havent had a drink. Whoooo

This is night 4! Tomorrow will be day 5!! Do you have any idea how huge that is!! I cant believe im doing it. It almost feels easier this time than last. I know I am ready this time. I know Im ready to get back the Nash I used to be.

[ziggie]

:smiliedance: Yahoo!!!!!! I'm very proud of you :D :hugs:

[Shanaynay]

That's great Natasha :yelclap:

You didn't go tonnight, but next time you're in a social situation and people won't expect you to say no to a drink, maybe just say you are on medication for a kidney infection and you can't drink while taking it or something :thumbsup:

[AM]

Yay Natasha..well done!!

You are doing so well. :hugs:

I hope you manage to get in touch with AA soon, and get a sponsor you click with, just having someone to talk to who truly understands when the urge is crushing you is a gift.

[kimbo]

Hi Natasha

I just wanted to come on here to say that you are doing absolutely fantastic.

You are very insipring and such a strong person.

:thumbsup:

[Chickadee]

Well done Natasha!!

I think it's great that your DH is supporting you. Yeah you had a fight with him, but you didn't give in to having a drink afterwards and you should be sooooo proud of yourself! :yes: :yelclap:

[whatwasithinking]

Natasha, I am so proud of you.

CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING THERE.

As they say - you need to take it one day at a time.

[Peaceangels]

:smiliedance: Go Nash!! :smiliedance:
You definately have the strength, up-and-go and motivation to do this.
Habit's are hard to break, but so rewarding to look back on and say 'I did it'.

[natasha]

Thanks for all your lovely messages!!

It is what.......night 5 now?!!! Still No drink!!!:yelclap:

DH cant believe it. Iv found my triggers, the worst times i crave it, and DH is really helping me to beat the cravings at those times.

I was getting really bad headaches in the begining of the week which im not getting now which is great.

I had to go for a full medical checkup for my PR application. Im dreading my liver results back.
Can they tell do you think? Can they tell from a urine sample, even if i havent drank for 5 days???

I didnt want it hindering my application so i kinda left that bit off the form.:o Im doing so well though. I dont want it to hold me back.

Im off out tomorrow to my mums group. Im trying to keep myself active and busy so that I am tired when night comes so I can get to bed early so i dont drink.
:D I cant stop smiling. Im losing weight, im looking thinner, im not bloated, I can get up so much easier in the mornings, I actualy remember how I got to bed when morning comes and can remember conversations iv had.

I could never do that.

My right hand looks wierd now when I look at it of a night time, it looks odd that there isnt a glass in it. That's so bad to say, but its true. It looks odd. The glass became almost part of me, attatched permanently.

Bring on tomorrow!!!! A brand new day! Day 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:smilied ance:

[Tea Lady]

Just wanted to say you're doing great Nash :hugs: Keep it up :yelclap:

[floggadog]

I love reading about the positive things that have become apparent in the last 5 days. Have you read back to day 1 or 2?
The change in you is so huge :yelclap: Congratulations. You are transforming :wizard: yourself & what a wonderful prize you're gaining everyday.
No looking back now Nash , keep going forward, we'll be here supporting you.
:hugs:

[AM]

Natasha - The liver thing depends. My father who was an active alcoholic for probably 35 years had a full medical/physical after he stopped, and the doc said his was one of the healthiest livers he had ever seen...go figure!!:rolleyes:

And any detectable alcohol would be well and truly out of your system in 5 days.

You are doing amazing things.. :yelclap: :hugs:

So much strength to you...:wizard:

[Niki]

Well done for getting this far natasha big claps for you (my smilies arnt working boohoo)

[bronny-jane]

:smiliedance: your doing so well, im really impressed... weightloss is a bonus:D

[Bron]

Wow Natasha. You are doing really really well. Good for you. We're all cheering you on. :smiliedance:

[natasha]

Your'e all so kind.:hugs:

I feel so awake!!

I had to have all my blood tests today so fingers crossed nothing shows up on them.:fingerscrossed:

I miss it you know. I miss the warm feeling drink used to give me. It used to wrap me up when I was cold/lonely/in pain/worried/stressed, and i would feel so warm inside.
I know now that that was all fake. It was all fake, fake feelings of warmth, fake feelings that I was in control. It was clouding my better judgement, pulling me in deeper and deeper till my head was only just above the water.

I still miss it though, even after all this.

How nice it would be to curl up on the sofa with my wine. To make me warm again. To forget.

This is so hard.

[RoarsomeMum]

Your right, It is hard, and your doing it!!!:smiliedance: :yelclap: Oh Tash!!! I am so so so proud of you!!! You can keep this up!!! You can fight the urges, You are so so so STRONG now!!! Oh Tash!! WELL DONE!!!!

[natasha]

Your right, It is hard, and your doing it!!!:smiliedance: :yelclap: Oh Tash!!! I am so so so proud of you!!! You can keep this up!!! You can fight the urges, You are so so so STRONG now!!! Oh Tash!! WELL DONE!!!!
Aw!!!! Thankyou!!!! That's is such a boost!!! You are all being so supportive!:hugs: :hugs:

[natasha]

Im going to have one. DH is out, it's close to 7pm (bedtime for DD) and she has been so hard all day.

I know, I know, iv come so far, but I just want one. I dont know what to do with myself.

DH has been here the last 5 nights to help me, I can't keep my mind of it enough when he's not.:(

[rynosmum]

Nash, you haven't come this far to give in again.

Think of Anna she may be a handful today but she's your gorgeous baby. You don't want her to grow up thinking her Mum needs to drink to shut out the world.

You can do it Nash - you've already proven that. Be strong and throw the wine down the sink.

Think of how great you are feeling and looking. You know it won't be just one drink - it's not your friend, it lures you with 'just one more' but when it lures you in, nothing there is as warm and loving as your relationship with your little beautiful girl.

I know you can do it Nash.:hugs: :yes:

[natasha]

I cant stop crying. Its sitting here and I want it so badly. ARGHHHH I know it won't just be one glass. I cant do it. I just want to write tonight off and ill carry on tomorrow like I have been.

Iv done 5 days, so I know I can do it. Im going to have this one, probably bottle...:o , and then start again tomorrow. Hey, its an improvment.

[rynosmum]

Nash, you have done so well for 5 days. Think of how you will feel tomorrow if you make it through tonight without a drink.

It is testing you Nash...it is testing every absolute inch of your body in the toughest way possible. You WILL have to go through nights like tonight and they will take all of your resolve - if you give in tonight, you will have to start all over again tomorrow.

Then, it will have won and it will start testing you again and again.

Beat it Nash - you KNOW you can. Don't let the alcohol win.

[babylover111]

Keep up the good work Natasha!! :hugs: I know you can do it! I have so much respect and admiration for you and I know how much strength you really have, stop and have a long think about what you've overcome in your life and you'll see it too.

We're all here for you and we want to see you succeed. :smiliedance: :yelclap:

[Grace3]

Don't give in, your doing so well.

:yelclap: :yelclap: :yelclap: :yelclap:

[Beany]

Nah: just think about tomorrow morning. You'll wake up, you'll remember you had a drink think about how you'll feel then.

Is it worth it? Is the pain you will feel in the morning worth it? Think about then, not now.

You can do this. You can beat this.

[SalTheGal]

Hey Nash...........

I just found this thread, you don't know me but I am so proud of you for trying again.:hugs:

I followed your last effort, and you have always been a hubber I have been drawn to and admire.

You can do this...........You sound so strong and positive, don't throw it away.

Keep up the good work and remember if you take a step back just be sure to take two forward.:hugs:

[bronny-jane]

Iv done 5 days, so I know I can do it. Im going to have this one, probably bottle...:o , and then start again tomorrow. Hey, its an improvment.

how'd you go?
thats not your mind thinking by the way...its the addiction...i get it all the time:banghead: ...
things like... go on youve done so well, you deserve it, just one wont hurt, or you can limit yourself....

when these thoughts hit...jump in a nice warm bath..lather yourself up, light some candles, play some music....and relax....much better then giving in....

[natasha]

I drank my bottle.:o :o Back to day 1.:rolleyes:

Oh it was sooo nice. I thouroughly enjoyed every glass. I loved stumbling into bed and crashing.

Honestly though, it was so worth it. I needed to remember what it felt like to wake up the morning after, having had a bottle of wine.

I don't feel dissapointed. It was a set back. I'll just start again. I dont feel like drink right now which is great. And I did go 5 days without drink which is huge. Im just going to have to try and beat 5 days now.

Bring on day one.....again.:rolleyes:

[bronny-jane]

you'll get there...... maybe start with smaller goals...its a huge change, even more when you do enjoy it;)

how about setting a limit...2 or 3 glasses every 3rd night etc...then every fourth....worth a shot:D

[Bron]

OK. 5 days is terrific, really terrific. So you gave in last night. This morning is a new day, dust yourself off, look at how good 5 days made you feel, start again and see how easy it will be to get past 5 days this time.

[RoarsomeMum]

Falling off teh wagon is part of the way you learn to stay on for good tash. Dont beat yourself up too much, just remember you did 5 Days!!! OMG, YOU DID IT, and you can do it again!!! You are so so so close to your goals now tash!:yelclap:

[natasha]

My blood tests came back fine! YAAAYYYYY

Im doing okay tonight. No drink at all.:yelclap: Just found out though that DH has to go to Japan for business for 5 days next week.:( Iv only really just arrived in this country. I cant drive yet and Im going to be terribly lonely.:( Iv been having a tough time with DD lately too, I dont know how Im going to cope without DH here. I have come to rely on him being home to help me. I knew that was a bad idea.
He has been helping me with so much, including keeping off the drink.

You girls have been great with all your support, I guess I may need to rely on you a lil bit more next week if that's okay.:o

[AM]

You know, I was a little worried that you might feel too embarrased to admit it if you slipped up, so I'm really glad you feel free to tell it like it is. :thumbsup:

As long as you have the will, there will be a way, just keep believing in yourself, every day brings you closer to recovery, even the days when you don't quite make it. :hugs:

How are you enjoying NZ?

[natasha]

I do tell it like it is, even if it makes me look bad/silly/weak/embarressed.:o That's just me I guess.
No point lying. You girls have helped me so much, I feel I owe it to you to be very honest.

As for NZ, I love it. It is so peaceful. I wake up every morning to hear the waves lapping on the beach. The weather is perfect for me. Not to hot or cold, all the time. There is so much more here to do for DD than there was in Sydney, and on every corner we turn there is a park or playground!! I love all the greenery, beautiful parks. The people are so friendly and welcoming. A little old lady drove past me the other day and asked me if I wanted a lift into town!! (as that is the only way I could have gone on that road)!! She didn't even know me!! Bless!!:laughing: I declined ofcourse, she might have been a murdered you know.:p

DH has got lots of work coming up which is great. We'r looking at such huge houses it's quite amazing. Im so excited about it all.

I miss a few of my friends from Sydney, but that's about it.:yes: Don't miss the humidity at all that's for sure!!

[AM]

Argh...you're making me all homesick!!:)

Glad you like it...beautiful place...and it RAINS!!! :laughing: