Why do they hate me so much?

[Olismum]

I have been with my husband for just over 6 years. When I first met hubby it took a couple of weeks for him to tell me that he had a 6 yr old daughter who lived with her mum. I thought this was great and have always accepted her and treated her like my own. We got along great but her mum has always disliked me. My step daughter is now 12 years old and has decided that she hates me a passion. I've written her letters, sent her photos and cards and tried to include her in every part of our life and especially tried to build a bond between her and our younger daughter, but I get nothing but abuse in return. When she stays with us, she bad mouths me to the neighbours and tells anyone who'll listen how much she hates me and on her last visit claimed that I was the reason for her parents splitting up - which is not true they were already divorced before I met her dad. I feel like I can't have her in my house anymore, she plays nasty tricks on me and when she goes back to her mothers house they spread nasty rumours about me and say the most awful things. It's really hurtful as I've done nothing to deserve it and have never been anything other than nice to this girl and her mother. My hubby's ex wife has never met me, we've only spoken once on the phone and yet she's going around telling everyone that I am a skank and stole her husband, which her daughter believes. My hubby told me they divorced because she got caught cheating on him while he was away for work and split up in 1995 whilst we didn't even meet until 2000. I'm not sure what to do. How do I make my step daughter see that I am not an evil person and that I love her as much as my own daughter, no matter what her mother says?

[pegasus]

Hi Olismum

Sorry to hear about your troubles with your stepdaughter. I am a step mum to a 14year old stepdaughter and a (nearly) 12 year old step son. My circumstances are a bit different to yours in that I have been a part of their lives since they were 2 and 4 (their parents split up when they were 1 and 3), however I have certainly gone through a lot of difficulties with the whole step mum thing and a lot of abuse from their mother.

We have had many difficulties over the years to do with contact issues such that now we let the children choose when they'll stay with us, however a lot of times, we believe they come because their mother tells them they have to come and we don't like this as we think it makes them resent us at times (last weekend their mother told me she needed a kid free night).

I believe the best I can do is just to continue to be pleasant to their mother (a task that's difficult in itself) and let her dig her own grave (so to speak), and continue to try to accept the children with open arms when they do come to stay (regardless of whether they have truly chosen to or not). We are hoping that in future years they will realise we are not the bad people we are sometimes painted to be. I am aware that this day may be many years in coming yet.

The biggest conclusion I have come to is that I now have to put my two children first and my relationship with their father so that they can have the best possible opportunity of a secure and loving family home. My children only have one mother and father that love them and hopefullly will never have a stepmum or stepdad - whereas my step children have a mother who cares for them, a father, a stepmother and sometimes a stepdad figure.

Time will tell if we've chosen the best way to act, but these days the problems with my stepdaughter aimed at me are further between.

Hope that helps and happy to talk more if you need. Pm me if you like.

[Meljem]

Olismum Hi there, im sorry to hear that things arent going along too well. I understand what you are going through, as i have been through the same, and am still.

My DH and i met after he had split from his ex, they have children together. They loved me to begin with, it was all exciting, we would sit and chat, and all kids, mine included would sit together and have fun. Till their mother got wind of it. Since then, she has done everything in her power to turn them against me and their father. I find this the lowest thing. She is doing such a great job of being a *****.

The children now dont come as often, even though there was an agreement, she is now taking us to court to have them more, and they are not as nice or honest with me. They constantly as questions about where i have been today or where i buy clothes or go to what gym, and then we hear that it goes straight back to her, and i am put down because i dont buy "in" clothes or they are not as "stylish" as their mothers. They are like spies in our house now. They lie all the time and are just turning out like their mother. Every week they come, its just so hard and stressful. DH worries he will lose them, so doesnt discipline, then i discipline mine and they hate me because "why dont they get into trouble" So its a messy situation. They complain about the food because "mum always makes special meals every night" well thats just great, but due to court, we cant afford anything fancy, or to go out every weekend.

Sorry to rant, but i do know where you are coming from, and feel free to PM me anytime. Lets hope it gets easier and they realise what their mother is doing at some stage.