Mothers

[Pixie]

Yes Mothers not MIL lol

Now some of you are blessed and have fantastic relationships with your mummies, but for me tis a little different.

My mum is not my birth mother, but has looked after me from day one, long stroy short my grandfather adopted me and she was his new wife so like a step granmother, but she raised me good and proper and was known to me and still is as mum then when I was 12 my parents divorced, all hell broke loose playing games with who did I want to live with etc, getting a quick belt around the ear should I give the wrong answer and say daddy please. This new person became depressive, extremely violent and very, very verbally emotionally abusive towards me. so at the grand old age of 20 I decided I could either live the rest of my life in sheer fear or leave, and by 21 I had managed to get the courage to move to Australia, My brother was living here so the move wasn't that hard. My family BTW had no idea what she was doing to me, so they are none the wiser.

Since living here she has tried and succeeded to make my life hell and continues to say I have abandonded her etc, etc..This year I couldn't take anymore and slunk deep into sadness almost depression I'd say to the point where I really didn't want to get showered and go to work, but somehow I did. she had won she had got me so low and then I rose up to her, with the enormous help of my DB and told her I didn't want to see her on my trip to the UK and if I did it would be lunch only, and so it was. tense times happened, since then I have become pregnant and she has calmed down but we all know anyone who is like that and says sorry won't do it again it's a blatant lie unless you have had several years of some sort of help and admit your problems and she doesn't. I am the one with the problem as she like to say.

Now come Christmas time she has sent me two cards one to myself and one to DB like why can she not put both our names in one card every dam year she does this it really F***king annoys me, it's like we are seperate not a unit or a family she just doesn't acknowledge him in that way.

Back as a teen I use to cut paper clippings of Madonna out and scrapbook them, she has sent I kid you not a bundle of madonna clippings to me this christmas!!!!!! I am like WTF I did this 14 years ago not now!!! I think she wants the old relationship back. The one where she is in control. etc

I dunno why I am writing this actually guess I just need someone to talk to and feel so sorry for my DB he cops my mum winges far to often.
I just wish that she would get the message but she doesn't anyone else have these problems with their parent? she also insists on ringing me at the same time every single Sunday :rolleyes: trust me I don't always answer it would depress me to high hell!!

What would you say to someone like that is there anything you can say to someone with so many issues? I think I have come to the conclusion that she is a lost cause and to be honest wonder why I even have contact after some of the things she did to me, but I am not like that, I have a heart and always put others ahead of me! anyway TALK TO ME!!!!

SORRY long, long vent!!!

[the_queen]

Nataliya (((hugs))) it's not fun having "family issues" at any time, let alone Christmas time, supposedly the season of peace and goodwill.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother, but it's not horrifically bad either so I can't say I know what you're going through. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and wish you a merry and peaceful Christmas. :) Hope you can find a solution to your problems very soon. I'm sure somebody on here can give you wonderful and practical advice... don't you just love bubhub!!?

[Pixie]

Aww thanks, yes she always annoys me more at xmas with the cards lol

Yep hoping someone out there in bubhub land has some words of wisdom :D

[nemosmum]

I dont have any words of wisdom Im afraid DM but I do know what its like to have a "crazy" mum.

To cut a very long story short my mum was abused as a child (as was my father) and so they made a very unhappy pair iykwim :(

By the time I came along (3rd child) the war had begun, my mum cracked under the pressure (as an adult I can see why she did) but as a child it was very confusing. She had a nervous breakdown when I was about 12 and suffered from delusions, she used to burn our clothes and do all sorts of stuff :eek:

We learnt to cope with her split personalities but we never understood them.

I have an ok r'ship with her now, that I only see her every other week. When I first had O she was fantastic and really supportive but it didnt last long, she always slips back into her craziness (BTW I think shes manic depressive or something?)

Any way I just wanted to let you know I understand your feelings and I know how hard it is to overcome the past (especially childhood memories) I also know that as an adult now I can see more clearly what happened that doesnt however mean I understand or agree with what happened.

Big hugs to you Nat :)

Ps I found having O brought up alot of issues from my childhood that I thought Id dealt with but HELLO so hadnt! thats were a good therapist and alot of tears come in handy LOL :p

Sarah

[moonblossom]

Sometimes for our own sanity we just have to walk away.

[draught]

I don't have any words of wisdom but do want to send you a cyber hug. I have friends with bad issues with mothers who have been abusive and still try to hold on tight to their now grown up children so I have seen the pain, although I haven't felt it personally. One woman I know decided that she had to put her husband and children first and she cut off all contact with her mother - changed her name, moved house, took out an AVO, etc. Drastic, but she and her family live in peace now - after a lot of therapy for her. None of it is easy.

I suppose all you can do is rest easy in the fact that you live a long way from her, you can ignore the phone (at least you can predict when it is her - imagine if she rang at random hours:eek: ) and your DP is supportive.

Be strong - think of your baby and the future and enjoy the joy of Christmas as much as you can.

[Pixie]

Aww thanks guys :D
Nice to know I am not alone again lol

Yes manic depressive bi polar I am sure my mother has something similar. or both!
I guess in a way I am lucky I see her ways and know they are not right, and yep Sarah I too have had the counselling lol

Draught I completly agree this is what I have had to do and in fact state to her the my DB is the most important person in my life and now I have another VIP :D

The great thing to come out of this is, how not to be a bad mother lol she has many good points, I wouldn't be the way I am without some good input from her lol but sometimes the bad rules the good out.

I am soooo not like her thank gawd!!
HUGZ GIRLS xxx

[nemosmum]

Im sure little Eliza is glad to hear that LOL about you not being Crazed I mean :p hehehehe'


But seriously your right DM after having such bad experiences I think about parenting in a whole different way!

[ThomasMum]

No advice from me, but Big hugs for you N, and I'm 100.1% sure you will be the greatest mum on earth for baby Eliza! :)

*hugs*

TM

[Chickadee]

I don't have a crazy mum, thank goodness. But she does do some of the things you mentioned. When we first moved overseas to the UK a few years ago she used to call every Sunday to chat, about nothing really. I got to the point of dreading the phone call and having to hear what her neighbours daughter (who I don't know!) had made for her dinner party the week before. I know I can't understand your perspective, and don't know if she's trying to manipulate you in these calls, but it may be partly that she is just trying to keep in touch and is overdoing it with out realising it. She may think that sending a separate card to your db gives more recognition to his important place in your life than including him on your card. At least she does send him one.

Anyways, that's my 2c. Feel free to ignore it and I apologise now if anything in it has offended you.

[Foxymoron]

(((hugs)))
I had a very abusive childhood, from both parents. I cut ties with my father due to his childlike behaviour ( to much to list here) my mother I have persevered with but she was probably the worst offender when I was young. I have found that she is so rigid in her beliefs there is no point me trying to bring up issues I have with her.. She has no insight or understanding how she affects people, nor a desire to try.
I have no words of wisdom for you as I struggle too :) but know that you aren't alone, and that all this stuff you have dealt with will make you more aware and sensitive as a Mama ( raising your own child is very healing and often helps you break the ties that you know are unhealthy).

[Pixie]

Wow TanUch that's bad!
My mother told me stories about my dad not wanting to see me either and years on I found out the truth, and have also since gone on to find my birth Father who had been told to stay away too, it's a shame you missed out on your heritage and personal culture something so important :(

I won't cut ties she isn't bad all the time, but she is a person with whom I have to remain in control of otherwise like yourself my relationship would of broken down, it's far to much pressure on our partners to live with it as well!

Ah well merry Christmas :D Here's to happy times ahead :D

[Pixie]

I don't have a crazy mum, thank goodness. But she does do some of the things you mentioned. When we first moved overseas to the UK a few years ago she used to call every Sunday to chat, about nothing really. I got to the point of dreading the phone call and having to hear what her neighbours daughter (who I don't know!) had made for her dinner party the week before. I know I can't understand your perspective, and don't know if she's trying to manipulate you in these calls, but it may be partly that she is just trying to keep in touch and is overdoing it with out realising it. She may think that sending a separate card to your db gives more recognition to his important place in your life than including him on your card. At least she does send him one.

Anyways, that's my 2c. Feel free to ignore it and I apologise now if anything in it has offended you.

Sheshh I missed the 2nd page lol Sorry Martha M
Yes I get the stories about people I don't know too lol, I think sometimes the callsa re purely loving mother type calls, but the majority are the "I am losing control of my daughter, how do I gain it back" calls and they are far more frequent lol. I have no idea on the card situation she sends my sister and husband a joint card and she give my brother and his GF a joint card, that is why I get so annoyed I guess.

Keara thanks, I was worried I would be judged that I could be like her, after all I am not blood related, but behavioural patterns can be learnt, and I know sometimes I am quick with my tongue I learnt that from her, but with help from lots of people I am far better now than say 5 years ago!
I know that I won't raise my child the way she raised me in my later years, I am very against smacking children becuase of her, and shouting I hate it. I hope I will be a good mother, I sure learnt how not to be a bad one!!!

Thanks guys :D

[lilly]

Unfortunately you can't choose who your mother is, biological or not, you may end up being such different personalities that you will always clash and just never get along.

My mother is pretty much the opposite of what everyone has described here - she never speaks and rarely calls. She never asks me anything, not even a 'how is the pregnancy going?' now that I am 25 weeks. As I'm having the first grandchild, I would have thought it would have raised some interest.

I"m really hoping to have the complete opposite kind of relationship with my daughter. Lots of hugs, lots of 'I love yous' and lots of talking!!!

lill.

[funfarrell]

I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs. I also left my mum to come and live inOz. She is an alcoholic but won't admitt it. Everyone also thinks i am the apple of her eye. I know this is her way of manipulating me. She came over for the birth of my daughter and nearly ruined it for me. Another way she could pretend to be the model mum. She ignored my new born, hardly spoke to me (when i was alone with her) and all she could think about was getting more vodka. Of course because i was obviously p'd off at this she then told everyone i had P.N.D so to divert from her. It's very difficult as she is my mum and now i know what being a mum means. So i maintain a phone call relationship (when i can force myself to take her calls) and it is very superficial. All i hear about is how great her other grandchildren are. It is so hard that i am teh only one who sees how she tries to manipulate me (except my DH). Recently i have been thinking about how she did this when i was little too. My advice would be to do exactly that. Maintain a very long distant, superficial relationship. I felt that if she were to die i didn't want more guilt on me. Concnetrate on your new family and being the best mum to your bub. You can PM me any time. I have seen a pyschiatrist about it too and after three years of therapy i can handle it (but it still hurts, maybe a bit less). Good luck sweetie, xx

[Jaileth]

Issues with our families always seem to hurt more over Christmas, don't they?

When I was 16 (the day after, to be exact), I left home, mostly due to the way I was being treated by my mum. Nothing as bad as some of you have gone through, but at the time, for me, it was unbearable.

I now have a great relationship with mum - she still bugs the hell out of me, and it hasn't been until recently that I've understood how much I hurt her when I moved out. (I didn't let them know until my b'day - and the proveriable hit the fan when I told them). I found out that she would cry herself to sleep at night, wondering where she'd gone wrong as a mother.

Some times, people just don't know what they're doing wrong. Does she realise how much she's hurting you when she sends you one card and your DB another? Maybe talk to her about it - if you can that is.

Hugs to all of you! Enjoy Christmas and try and think of the good times with your families.