Teenage Angst

[PunkyDiva]

"Strong-willed kids rock! We don't want to break their spirits, we just want to harness their determination for good rather than evil. " GUV'NOR

DD is 16, just, we have had a battle of wills from day go but there is a good relationship with open communication and understanding, often DH as referee but you get that.
She is breaking my heart though and I just don't know if I/we need to knuckle down with her, yet again or if I should just trust her judgement and let her be.
She is very intelligent, articulate, strong willed, obstinant (all the things I am not) but at the same time can still be such a wee girl.
She went to the shops with freinds yesterday lunchtime and that was the last we saw of her, nope as I write she's not home.
We phoned her mobile three times, twice she was on her way home, at a freinds watching DVD's (we are sooo not that gullible) third time she had fallen asleep and asked to stay and as we requested address to come and get her, being 1am, her mobile cut out and she wouldn't answer.
I went to bed and I guess DH figured she was to be trusted but I just don't know. She's my first baby and still a little girl to me and this is so hard, is it time for me to let go and let her own mistake making begin???
Knowing that we are here for her if she needs us, or is this a good way of being abused by your children, how far does unconditional love stretch??? Please help me BubHubbers.

PS That is her in my avatar, she hated the photo so of course I had to use it, evil I know but she did find it sorta a privilege (for want of a better word but can't think so there ya go)

[jasminesmum]

I have a 17 yr old ds. It is very hard to know when to let go.
I am still very strict on him though. He has just recently got his licence but has to tell us where he is going at all times.
If he stayed out all night I would definately ground him.
Most of the time he is pretty good but not long ago he snuck out to see a girlfriend. He wasn't gone for long but that wasn't the point. He ended up getting grounded from a concert that he really wanted to go to.

I know at his age I was heaps worse and had moved out of home by then. I don't want him making the same mistakes I made so that why I think I'm pretty strict.

It is so hard though as you don't want to push them away either.

Maybe when she gets home sit down with her and have a talk and explain to her how its hurts you. She probably doesn't even realize.

All the best.:hugs:

[Pippi Longstocking]

I dunno PD. We aren't at that stage yet so all i can really offer is "what i think I may do when the time comes but will possibly change my mind long before then" if that is at all helpful to you? :p
As a youth worker and former rebellious teen, I have come to the conclusion that generally, teens are going to do what they want to do regardless of how much you plead, cajole, threaten, punish etc. I would go the harm minimisation route. It seems that regardless of what you want, she will saty out all night. So in that situation, I would talk to her about the safest way to do that. Tell her that you need to know where she will be. If she is "allowed" to do it, she may be more inclined to be honest about it.
I don't really know though. i could just be talking out my a...donkey. :o

[PunkyDiva]

Thanks guys, I have contemplated the severe scenario I posted on previous thread on discipline but think it will just cause more upset.
Jasminesmum, I too was out of home at her age (not by choice) and I guess I fear for her.
We have had the talks before and it really does seem in one ear out the other and she's always so sorry and ultra well behaved for a few weeks. She too climbed out her bedroom window a few weeks back but because we had a massive show down where it was no holds barred, very ugly. Poor DH was on the phone, had rung him to get him to calm her down, he had to go out into the stairwell as everyone in his lab could hear the disagreeable females ranting and raving:o She has an older male freind/also our nanny who came and got her though so I know she has someone reliable and decent to turn too. Some of her freinds, well we won't go there and they sooo like me, calling me mum and hugging me, very icky, cause I don't do pretend well.

Think I might go the ignore route, this time around.
:fingerscrossed: for me please and thanks again.
She has been added to the star chart and will retype, in larger letters, her list of daily household and personal directives superglued to her mirror:p . Actually pounding the keyboard typing is helping.

[Jo_Jo]

well my oldest is a 16 year old girl and my advice is as much as you say well i don,t want them making the same mistakes i did, at the end of it all they have to make there own mistakes to learn, my daughter is defiant, stubbourn, artistic, and intelligent and i have been through all this with her and well last month, moved to sydney with her boyfriend who is a lovely fella and they are living with his dad, but this has devastated me and i cried for days but then i thought, well she is a smart girl and has good morals and is kind and respectfull to others and well i would of rathered she stayed at home as long as she could but that was not to be i would of loved to have shielded her from hardships but i spose in the end it,s a part of who you turn out to be. I tried hard to compromise in situations and not to be to strict but in the end all i could do was support her and she is doing well, she has just landed a traineeship in child care and has a part time job as well, so i have not done to bad and im going to see her in a couple of weeks, i miss her, but this stage is so hard it,s like your damned if you do and damned if you don,t. I know i was out at 16 and one thing i have learned in my life is hell mum and dad were right...lol but you can,t put an old head on young shoulders!
Goodluck:thumbsup:

[PunkyDiva]

Thanks JoJo and :hugs: for another mum of a teenager with a broken heart. If only they did realise you can learn from others mistakes and that old saying is so very wrong. I don't let too much out though as might give her bigger ideas of what she could get away with as "but you did it".
I have just been ignoring her(too upset and furious) and sent some girls who arrived on the doorstep, away. DH has spoken to her though as not knowing where she was is concerning and we expect that much respect at least. Phone privileges have been temp removed as well. Other kids sooo unaware of the fuss as too busy doing chores "what else mum" to earn stars and trade for cash, I am going broke but lots of odd jobs being done, so need to toughen up on how many stars I'm giving away.:laughing:
She is still at school and doing extremely well so :fingerscrossed: she makes the right choices/decisions.

[Jo_Jo]

i can understand not letting to much out about how you were as a teenager, but with that said i think you can,t have a short memory and if asked how you handled certain situations in life, well be able to answer them with some degree of honesty, but i think with the well you did it phrase, is,nt that installed in the teenage years chip...lol and yes i am broken heartedbut have come to terms with the fact that she has taken a different path to what i wanted her to, and if she did learn from mine or others mistakes would make her life easier...lol she has never gotten into the drink, drugs or smoking has always done well at school, never out partying or out to all hours where i had no idea where she was, she has always been good like that it was just the want to be with her boyfriend and his want to be with her, i can see they are very much in love, and who knows it might stand the test of time or fizzle out to a teenage, i remember my first love thing!! all i know is no matter what i will be here for her....and as much as it will kill me not to say it, in my head i will be thinking oh hun i told you so...lol:crying: once again goodluck most teenage girls are a handfull, you get a few that are easy and troublesome free, these kids are all so different, never a dull moment!!:thumbsup:

[Blessed Mum]

I just wanted to say you ladies sound like you are doing a fantastic job :yes: They are very lucky teenagers & they will realise it oneday :rolleyes: lol

Good on you mums:thumbsup:

[PunkyDiva]

DD and I had a big hug this morning and although I said I was very hurt she was so sneaky when she knows she can talk to us, she says she didn't do anything bad/dangerous, so:fingerscrossed: and trust PD, somewhere in her head is your older commonsense.
For me it is a control thing to I guess and I am struggling to let her make decisions, I guess because I made so many wrong ones and I don't want her to have that pain. But again just as I am not my mother she did not have my childhood so the issues are very different.
Makes you really wish for a 2am wake up to crying baby or chasing a toddler around, let me tell ya.

Thankyou ladies and if I think/find any good ideas will be sure to share as these teenagers are so very diff to what I was(in some ways) and we try to keep abreast of modern day stuff so we are at least a little prepared for any eventualities.
:hugs: all round and can I share some grey hairs too:p

[millymoo]

Hi


I just had a quick read of this thread and it is reaasuring to know I am not the only one with a baby and teens. I am finding Milly easy compared to my two DD`s:banghead:.

DD1 has always been very difficult. DD2 has been a breeze but has just turned 13 and I can see :devil6: signs already.

Being a parent is such a rollercoaster ride and extrememly difficult I find.

Hx

[PunkyDiva]

Hiya Helen and my heart goes out to you, two teenage girls at once, you poor, poor thing. Will send you some extra strong patience, tolerance and perserverance vibes:laughing: :hugs:

[Jo_Jo]

:laughing: :yes: 2 teenage girls yep a handfull, i have found my 12 year old son completely different to DD even at this age. And hey we have it preety good i have friends who live an hour away with 4 girls in there teens the eldest 18 and the youngest 13 and in the last year they have had a hell of a time more so with the 16 year old...lol funny that, but it,s good to hear different stories, it really helps.

[millymoo]

Thanks girls!

I find it amazing to look at Amelia now and know she will put us through the same trials and traumas.

DD1 can send me into orbit with eye rolling. Both school and work have said she has an attitude problem...so I draw comfort that it is not just me.

DD2 as I said has been sweet for years and it has suprised me how quick it has changed!

Punkydiva I have just noticed your TTC 6!! What have you got so far and ages? :fingerscrossed: for you there.


Jojo your friend has my sympathies! I have one who talks of nothing else but her DD and the problems they have that I have to say make mine seem small.

Just think when my Ex arrives to take them away for two weeks he insisted on a motorhome and road trip!! The girls can hardly breathe the same air so that should be fun for him...not!! I have to separate them all the time!

H x

[PunkyDiva]

Millymoo, that road trip idea makes me:laughing: guess he's gunna get in two weeks prob what you put up with over a year:laughing:


My family consists of DD 16, DS 13.5, DS 12.5, DD 7.5 and our wee Scottish Bairn DD 4, oh and the big teenage man I call my DH, nearly 40.

It is quite funny cause I was going to become a nun when I met DH on a blind date (having some last flings before total abstinance) won't say it was love at first sight as I had three:eek: men on the go at the time,but he grew on me and 18 years(15 years married) later, here we are like two lovestruck teens.Kids tell us to get a room, haha, now our new home has a whole adults only wing:thumbsup:

[millymoo]

:yes: I know that feeling...we always hear the get a room line and were told the other day we are too old for a bloody snog!!

We do it to wind them up now!

Wow you have got a little brood. Good gaps though.
Is that you in the Avatar by the way?

H x

[PunkyDiva]

No that's the 16 yo she devil, she thought the photo was horrid but left it on my cam so I used it:laughing:

[Jo_Jo]

:laughing: i agree with punkydiva, a road trip!!!, well if he has not got grey hair he will after it...lol

millymoo, good gaps are a great idea! we are going for #4 at the end of the year so our gaps, well for me are great!! my partner is like oh god what if we have a girl, i said well get ready for the ride...lol as long as the kids are all healthy thats all that counts in the end!:yes:

punkydiva thats my daughter in my siggy pic, looks like she goes the dark black hair and dark eyes like your daughter..lol and her stare well it can kill!!
And the same when i said look at this cute pic with ej, she went oh god i look horrid!!.. i said fine, i love it...lol

[millymoo]

No that's the 16 yo she devil, she thought the photo was horrid but left it on my cam so I used it:laughing:

What is with them taking pictures from up in the air!! My DD does it all the time. She has heaps of them. And all with the same pout too. Hilarious to me.


:laughing: i agree with punkydiva, a road trip!!!, well if he has not got grey hair he will after it...lol



Yes I believe you are both right. he is going to have a hell of a time. Espesially when there is no room to straighten their hair!!

So you will both have TTC soon then. Exciting. We may all have teen problems but any baby news is just lovely and I only feel like that now I have little Amelia.

H x

[k2ma]

I have just read through some this...babies and teens are tough...excuse any repetition.

We have an 18year old RT (resident teen) he is not our son, but has lived with us since he was 16. We have had various struggles with independence though he is, all in all, extremely good and sensible.

I have grounded him on two occasions once for silly drinking escapades and the second time for not listening to us about where he could take his car 4WDing. Grounding was more work for us than for him!! Another huge issue has been cooking and housework...late for or not turning up for tea - he had to then cook for 7 nights.
Was actually harder than he thought!


We have now reached a faily easy compromise
- he is allowed to stay out for as long as he sees fit as long as we know where he is and who he is with. He MUST phone if he is going to stay overnight. Seems to work fine at the mo. The only thing I will not allow is overnight at his girlfriend's house. NOT appropriate in my eyes at this age. I know many of you may not agree, but that is what suits our boy! I think it should be an individual decision.
He also has to cook once a week a meal for all five of us. On which he does reasonably well.
He does his own washing, keeps his own room tidy, does the washing up (most nights only plates and cutlery as I wash up as I cook!) and is alledgedly in charge of putting the bin out (! hmmmm).

I think that as a parent you are entitled to know where your kids are and with whom...purely for safety sake. I let him know what we are doing and where we will be when we are not here so why can they not extend the same courtesy. It is a safety thing more than anything. How would I know where to start looking for you if you were in trouble if I had no idea where you began your adventures?

Maybe try turning it around for her...how would she feel if she came home to find you were not there and then phoned you only to get no answer or tall tales of your whereabouts? Just something for her to think about.

[Jo_Jo]

Well im glad it,s working for you and i really think compromise and communication is a big role and a bit of give and take, we can only hope when being told where they are thats where they are!! but one thing for sure i know i was never fully honest as a teenager...lol the boyfriend, girlfriend thing was a hard one for me when it come to the reality of are they having sex, would she tell me?? where? when? oh my god how?? and oh no not my daughter! were all things that kept me awake at night:yes: i found it very hard to deal with and well she went to her step father to speak with before me:crying: but i respected that and as long as she was communicating with one of us we were happy!! the thought of her sneaking around or being at friends houses well scared me, but in the end as long as she was practising safe sex, and well after she spoke with her step dad she went on the pill.
I really found it hard dealing with this side of it all, me myself found it hard to speak to my parents about that sought of stuff and had no where near the knowledge of sex, std,s, the pill, and the emotional side to it all, so when we did sit down and talk she was so responsible and new what she was talking about and had spoke at length with womens health, i felt very proud of her for all the information she had explored, i thought should i be angry, but in my heart i was not i was relieved, the advice i gave her on it was with it all comes alot of emotions, so it starts here and never stops, when working as a unit in a relationship there are always emotional issue,s.
Boys i think are very different, i mean teens are the same when it comes to the roll eye when asked to do stuff and the finding there own identity in the adulecent world, but i have found the emotional, hormonal, complex teenage girl well, hey men will never work us out and i think the big man made it that way...lol as i was saying it is one of the hardest stages i have been through...lol makes me laugh, mum says well it dosent end there, there will be weddings, divorce, babys, family fights, there still more to come love!! so goodluck to all you familys raising teens and bubbys at the same time:thumbsup: you are all doing a wonderfull job even though sometimes you feel powerless.

[PunkyDiva]

K2Ma and JoJo, I am so glad I started this thread. I find it hard having both ends of the age spectrum, at times and having found some other mums with teens and same sort of trials, tribulations and opinions on parenting is just amazingly supportive, gives me this goose bumpy, warm feeling.

Teenage girls, these days, are soo amazing. their intelligence, abilities to take on board and digest/understand new things, their strength and their empowerment/understanding of their rights as females in what still can be a male dominated world is truly inspiring. and I'm sure our girls (and boys) will go on to have wonderful, fulfiling lives and we will be proud of them no matter what.

Have you read my new thread, going to attempt to write a book:eek: any advice you guys might like to share. :fingerscrossed: Won't even go near teen discipline though as till muddling my way through, will see how this goes and maybe??!!in the future.

K2Ma, that was some awesome advice you added, thanks have taken well and truly on board:thumbsup:

[millymoo]

I am hoping my friend will come on soon...you know the one I mentioned who talks about DD and the problems etc. I told her about this great thread. Even if the advise isn`t right the support is amazing. Well done punkydiva!!

[PunkyDiva]

Sorry Millymoo, just noticed i missed you in my mad manic state. So thankyou to all wonderful mummies on this thread and maybe we can all meet in r/l one day:fingerscrossed: teenage mum's weekend retreat?? Maybe when one of us wins Lotto huh.

[k2ma]

Sorry Millymoo, just noticed i missed you in my mad manic state. So thankyou to all wonderful mummies on this thread and maybe we can all meet in r/l one day:fingerscrossed: teenage mum's weekend retreat?? Maybe when one of us wins Lotto huh.


Ohhh you can put my name down for that!!

Jo-Jo, we live in a very, very small town if RT sneezed I would know about it before he got a hanky!! There are many eyes watching him. I am sure he gets up to no good but he is under the (deluded) impression at the moment that I do eventually find out most things...He's getting older and sneakier ( I should say wiser), but he's been brought up very well - his parents were wonderful people - so I think essentially he has a good grasp of how to make the right choices on things that really matter.
It is amazing when they come to good solid sensible conclusions on their own. Shows what a great job you did over all those years. :thumbsup:

THis thread IS great. Well done Punky Diva.

[studyingECS]

i would like to think i am a not so difficult teenager but my parents think otherwise well then lol

you sound like an awsum mum punkydiva

[millymoo]

punkydiva that is the best compliment coming from another teen!! Well done again!

[PunkyDiva]

Ohhh so sweet guys, I'm blushing. Kate, monies on it's way:p

Only recently learnt to accept compliments of me as a person and my parenting and beleive in them, so accepted with gratitude.
You guys all sound like fantastic role models too and have already taught me a thing/two and given some great advice plus a place to have a vent that doesn't involve DH or nappies as subject matter IYKWIM and not being snotty but I've got to a stage where I need more then that in conversations, again IYKWIM prob not cause I'm waffling but ya get that at my age. OK off to trawl garage sales and collect DD from her babysitting job.

[Jo_Jo]

K2ma, yep it always gets back weather days, months, or years...lol us mums always findout in the end, we are in a small rural city in NE Vic, where everyone knows someone that you know or related to.
Thats where i am finding it hard at the moment, but i think i have moulded a young women that, 1 does tell me some things i want to hear and 2 knows the right thing to do, and has a huge concience.

punkydiva, you are so right they are so more advanced and intelligent, but in a way they have had to become this way with all the technology and just the way life is, well very different in a huge amount of ways and some are still the same:yes:

It is very different to have teenagers and babys and find some people even treat you a little different and well im the only one at playgroup with older kids in teenager stage and well sometimes i feel on the outer, if you know what i mean??

sometimes you hope you are doing a great job caring for everyones needs and personalitys and emotional states and it,s like :banghead: but in the end, i love you or god your a good mum, or even you are doing a hell of a job makes you look at yourself differently even just for a little while:thumbsup:

[PunkyDiva]

Hiya lovlies, hope everyone's well.
http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=85952

This is a link to an event on the weekend that has hit close to home for my kids.
I was sad but also very angry to start with, but a vent on here and now I'm just sad for everyone involved. Even all the medical people desperately trying to keep all these people intact and alive.

Thought you might like to share with your teens, all my kids have been talking about it so hopefully the message and hard learnt lesson will stick in their heads somewhere.
In a way I'm glad DD messed up a few weekends ago as the thought of what if?? rears it's ugly head briefly.
DD say you aren't going to let me go in any one else's car now are ya mum? Well, not in the near future anyway, God gave her legs and I give her train and bus money if I can't drive her myself:p
She can get her L's now but hasn't done so and maybe because she is nervous about the responsibilities of driving, I'm in no rush either, not sure I could emotionally take it at the mo I am so a back seat driver even though I dislike driving myself. I learnt the risks the hard way too but not something I've shared with her yet, maybe never, at least my accident was just me as could have been far worse if it had happened just minutes before.

We're off to Flinders Beach tomorrow, maybe after wreath laying down the town but I like the kids to enjoy some freedom in a beautiful place and remember the people who helped/help to keep it that way for us.
Hugs all round and keep safe. xxx