BiRTH?? what birth?

[indigoin0z]

4 weeks & 2 days later...
i am doing my first real writing admitting/acknowledging what happened...
im not writing for anyone to criticise me, i am just letting out my feelings [as they flow, so not necessarily making sense, in order etc],
not just because its healthy & thats the only way i am eventually going to get over this, but also in case i help somebody make the final decision not to go thru with their caesarian or to question everything & explore all options, no matter what they say!!

after just watching caesarians on you tube, i finally was able to let out some of my pain...
anger! frustration! hurt, devastation, confusion, injustice.......
& shed a few good tears,:crying: with my little bub in my arms to help me FeeL.

its not fair what i & my baby Tylar went thru...
& when i watch caesarians or just see theatres & surgery on tv i have an anxiety attack & just melt into my depression again...
these poor babies being brought into the world like they are some rag doll or carcass with no feelings, emotions, respect...

we have to stop this escalation of babies being bought into the world in such an obtrusive way.. & remind as many people as possible, its not the way its meant to be & babies have rights... & of course the mothers..


Wednesday, March 7th 2007
Tylar Jay Noah :party:
apparently entered the world at 10.46am weighing 10.6 pnd / 4.72kg, 54 cms, head 37.5cms.

but i wouldnt know if the time was correct or any other details, because i was under general anaesthetic after 20-40?mins of trying to get a spinal block in my back... for a 'elective' caesarian.. how convenient they get to call it elective when the mother is guilt tripped & pushed into it... there is nothing elective about it! i elected for them to screw up, then forget that i was human & my husband & i had feelings, then for whatever my poor bub went thru, then the bullsh!t afterwards..


i feel robbed... :gloomy:

i have so much pain, it is only because i we have been distracted with DS#3 silent reflux & other probs, that we have been able to put it to the back of our minds most of the time... but i keep getting reminded, it is still sitting there waiting to be dealt with when i am triggered by a thought, a vision, a feeling... it all just floods to the surface & i have a meltdown...

there is so much more to this story, but this is all i can get out right now..
will try to push myself where i can to continue, but right now all the details are going thru my head at once & i dont know how to express coherently in writing..


to be continued...

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

hi there

it sounds like whatever happened to you wasnt great and is causing you so much anguish. I just wanted to say, vent vent vent all you want to so that you can feel heard.
:kiss:

[becca74]

come join us on the c-aware list at www.birthrites.org (http://www.birthrites.org) :hugs:

Much love and strength to you, and feel liberated to vent, scream, shout, wail, and grieve.....it isnt fair the way you were treated :(

[Pippi Longstocking]

Nothing much I can say but :hugs: :hugs:

[AM]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: I hope writing stuff down, and getting it out is helpful to you...:hugs: I wish you much healing.

[Lissbee]

Hi, Indigo - I am so sorry your experience of meeting your little one was so traumatic. After hearing what happened to you, I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

I encourage you to contact the Caesarean Awareness Network Australia (CANA) at www.canaustralia.net.

There is a National Support contact who is a midwife who works with women after a negative/traumatic birth and may be able to help you begin to make sense of what has happened to you and your baby.

There is also a page providing links to support services local to you. (www.canaustralia.net/support.htm)

I also encourage you to try online support such as ICAN (International Caesarean Awareness Netowrk) which has a specialist caesarean support forum ( www.ican-online.net/community/emailsupport.php.)

Take care - there are many women who understand exactly what you are going through and may be able to provide you with support and validation that leads to processing & healing.

Melissa
Birthtalk Brisbane
www.birthtalk.org

[fai firinne]

Hi Indigo, big hug to you darl. I know how it feels to be too upset to even write or talk about it coherently - sometimes it takes me months to get the point where I can talk about it. You've done well after just a month. What you've said is right and true, and you are on a healing journey here - with a host of other women on the same road who can encourage you along the way. Be gentle with yourself, you are precious and so is that sweet baby boy born from your body, one day you are going to have a glorious empowered birth that will give you a sense of putting right things that were wrong. You may have heard inaccurate, fear-based misinformation from your previous advisors, but there are awesome midwives & doulas out there who will help you explore evidence-based alternatives and options. The websites Melissa has listed are a great place to start.
I hope you get enough sleep (gaah! what's *enough* with a newborn???!! - well, anyway!) and healthy grub and walks & massages & music etc, you need plenty of time to heal in body and mind. Nurture yourself, you deserve it. You've been through heaps and up ahead some amazing healing and breakthroughs will come your way. Hang in there.
Sending healing vibes your way

[SassyMummy]

Despite the fact that your post was horribly sad, I enjoyed reading it. It looked very much like something I could have written myself.

My daughter was born via caesarean which was classed as "elective" (had less than 24 hours between being TOLD - not asked - to have a caesarean and actually having it...). It was highly unwanted and even though my daughter is nearing 2, I think about it most days. It angers the hell out of me.

I don't feel like I gave birth at all. I never refer to DD's arrival as "when I was giving birth," I always say, "When I had my caesarean." That makes me upset because I don't feel like I GAVE anything (other than my right to decide what happens with MY body). I lay there... and was cut up.

Nobody really talked to me. They did... but they treated me like I was some crazy person. I would say, "Tell me exactly what's going on." I don't know why I wanted to know all the gory details, but I did. I think it took my mind off the fact that it was actually happening to me... so I could invision the whole situation differently.

Evertime I spoke, the nurse replied with a polite smile and a "yes dear" kinda of attitude. If I asked something, she'd give me a quick brush-off answer. She sugar-coated absolutely everything, as if she was trying to prevent me from having some sort of mental breakdown. That really angered me because I wasn't even being treated like a regular, sane person.

The OB wasn't paying much attention either... he said, 'That's a decent size son you have.' It wasn't until the nurse corrected him that he actually realised my 'son' had a vagina. It was just so very impersonal... like the baby he had just ripped out of me... he didn't even know had a vagina and was a girl. It made me feel like a piece of meat.

There was no cuddling DD either. Just a quick "do you want see her?" They held her naked, bluey-grey blood-covered body up for me to see, and then tore her away. My only thought was, "Her head is massive." That bit's kinda funny because it was true... but it's sad that I didn't have time to take in anything more.

They took her away to suck stuff out of her throat. The nurse spoke to me like I was a child again...sweet voice, polite smile... "She's just having a little trouble breathing... nothing to worry about...". Yeah right... did they really think I couldn't hear them calling the Paediatrician for the 2nd time going "GET HERE NOW!" and then sending someone out to find the paed? I hated that I was just treated like I was a child... and like I was someone who didn't really matter. Why didn't they just treat me like an adult?!

I get so disheartened when I hear of women electing caesareans. It makes me angry because they get that choice. They get to take an un-natural option just because they want to... but I'm forced to go against nature AND my will. Their vaginas work fine... but they have no faith in them. My body takes a little longer than another woman's (the reason for my c-sec was because I was 2 weeks overdue... and all induction had failed... no other reason), and my rights to VB are stripped. I get told, "C-sec or dead baby." Then they ask me to sign papers when I'm crying my eyes out, feeling like a failure of a woman, not even listening to the risks pointed out to me... What did they EXPECT me to do? Act RATIONALLY when asked to sign the papers? RIDICULOUS!

As you can clearly see, close to 2 years later and I'm still absolutely bitter. I think that if I couldn't rely on the fact that I can VBAC (or at least fight to have one and give it my best shot), I would be SO much worse, emotionally, than I am now.

As it is, I feel like punching people who are so blase about c-secs. I feel like slapping people that talk up c-secs or downplay the risks. I also find it very difficult NOT to dislike women who elect c-secs for no medical reason. It's probably because I'm jealous... and because I'm mad at them for making what I feel to be a stupid choice... when they very well could have had what I wanted... it's kinda like they're rubbing it in... even though that's not their intention of course.

I get mad at seeing caesareans on TV. I cry because I feel like I felt when I was told I had to have one. I remember just how awful it was. I feel like a failure whenever I see one... and I see just how cold and impersonal it looks, and remember how cold and impersonal my experience was too.

Anyway, I've just kinda hijacked your thread. Sorry - your thread just SPOKE to me. If nothing else, I hope I've let you know you're not alone. I know it comforts me to know that someone else can understand.

[Nowhere]

oh you poor thing thats so awfull i realy hope that in time it gets easier to deal with :hugs: i cant pretend to know what you aer going through cause dont but i do feel for you :hugs:

[fai firinne]

Hi Stacey, my heart goes out to you after reading your post. No wonder you feel angry, I'm seeing red on your behalf after reading what you went through. That anger is a normal response to wrongdoing and it will help propel you towards some new paradigms and alternatives and choices for yourself. You don't seem bitter to me at all, you seem like you are just working up steam to make some radical shifts - I say, more power to you! I have seen the condescending way women are treated by some care providers and it makes me mad too. I think what also makes us angry as hell when we go through experiences like this, is that we can see in retrospect how by being trusting and naive, we've actually set ourselves up to be poorly treated by the unscrupulous. It sure makes you 'twice shy' for the next time around! I think it is sane and normal to doubt and mistrust and censure the standard treatment of birthing women in this country. The cries of anguish and rage by women who have been disempowered and even traumatized do not seem to be being heard. But there are new way to have your voice heard, and there are ways that you can vote with your feet.
* Maternity Coalition www.maternitycoalition.org.au (http://www.maternitycoalition.org.au)
* What Women Want www.whatwomenwant.org.au (http://www.whatwomenwant.org.au)

I do not believe that being 2 weeks overdue is a reason for a c/s. I think you were given bogus information there. There is a website called The Ten Month Mamas http://angusbirthcompanion.moonfruit.com/tenmonthmamas/4520942714
especially for women who go overdue because some women just naturally take longer to complete their pregnancies. I know women who deliberately give information that is two weeks out regarding their last menstual period, just so that their caregivers won't be hassling them about being 'overdue' - remember, it's your body and your call. You know your body best. I personally believe that c/section is far more risky than going overdue and waiting for your body and baby to be ready to go into labour your way, on your timetable. When they said to you "C sec or dead baby" in my opinion they were lying to you and bullying you and that makes me angry. I think the c/s was the easiest way for them to handle your case, but that they did not care that it was not the best option for you.

One thing you can do is choose very carefully what your place of birth and which careproviders you will have. This is a way that you can take back control and vote with your feet. That alone sends a message. I would suggest, even for women who do not want to have a homebirth, for whatever reason, that it's a good idea to talk with some homebirth and independant midwives just to get a different perspective on issues - like, "I'm 42 weeks and they say I have to have a c/section or my baby will die. If you were my midwife, would you agree with that - or do I have other options?" Another way to provide yourself with knowledge and options is to find an independent childbirth educator - who is not employed by the hospital. Or, hire a personal doula who will help you find evidence-based (not fear/control-based) information and options.
Stacey, I hope you have a wonderful VBAC that will heal your soul and let you find out how wonderful and powerful your body really is - big baby or no! I know of several women who have had exhilarating homebirths after c/sections. To birth your way, free from pressure and misinformation is your birthright. You can rise up and claim it. Melissa posted some great links above which provide great support & info.
You are going to do awesome, Stacey. You already have.

[harvey123]

indigoin0z i understand how you feel. i was had prepared myself for a natural birth and really believed i was capable of being able to birth our dd. at six days overdue i began to bleed heavily and went to hospital. dd wasn't responding well with fetal monitoring and i was cm dilated and no tripe. i was told my placenta may have been going a bit south. i was advised to have a c/s and being absolutely petrified of losing our bub i had one. it turned out her umbilical cord was preventing me from going into labour. i was absolutely shattered and felt cheated. eerytime i heard women talk about their wonderful births i felt sick and was embarrassed to talk to anyone about my daughter's birth. i was really angry about ending up with an "elective" c/s. i realise now i my case it was the only way for our bub to be born but too often women are bullied into c/s and then you get labeled with the "elective" c/s and find yourself explaining every time someone asks how your birth was. have a look at the birth rites website mentioned above i found it really great and has helped me to accept what happened. i think most mums pick what they believe is right based on the information presented to us and put faith in those around us during birth. i had heaps of people say you and your bub are healthy that's all that matters. it might be true but i certainly didn't feel that way. i'm now at piece with what happen and greatful to hae a beautiful bub. just keep on typing about how you feel...it really helps. put aside that you look like a nutter who types too much....just like me. but it really helps.:hugs:

[MyFab4]

[quote=SassyMummy;1322660] My body takes a little longer than another woman's (the reason for my c-sec was because I was 2 weeks overdue... and all induction had failed... no other reason), and my rights to VB are stripped. I get told, "C-sec or dead baby."

Hi Sassy Mummy, I didn't end up with a c-sec but I did come close with my last bub. I was pushed into an induction because I was 13days overdue, and i went along with it against my better judgement. I got made to feel that if i didn't have it done i could lose my baby. I had an ARM and gave birth 5 hours later, bubs heartrate dipped a couple of times and the Ob wanted a blood sample from her head. One of the most uncomfortable things i have been through. It took him 15 mins and then he wanted to do it again cause it didn't work. Depending on the result he was talking c-sect. It was just lucky for me that when he moved his blood test thingy out of the way bubs head came down and she was born quickly after that. I tried to tell him i could feel her trying to come down and he was stopping her but they don't believe you. It makes no sense to me when a mum tells you she is ready to push bub out, and bub is already stressed how poking needles in her head and rushing in to do a ceasar is gonna be less stressful than listening to mum. My poor bub had at least 6 marks in her head from where he had been jabbing her.

Although I have been fortunate enough to have 4 VB's i came away from my last birth dissapointed in the experience. I was bullied into an induction( think i would have only needed 1 more day as i was having mild contractions), I had a fear this last pregnancy that i would end up with a c-sect. And when you have an induction you have the doctor standing over you, and i got the feeling that he couldn't wait to get the knife or scissors out just to feel he did his job right. I was just very lucky last time to avoid a c-sect. Although i don't know what its like to have a c-sect i do know what it feels like to be bullied into making a decision that goes against your wishes. :hugs: to all the mums who didn't get the birth they were after.