Coping with more than one...

[Nickster]

Hello Ladies,

It seems THAT time is rolling around - when DH and I are starting to talk about maybe having another baby. I love my little girl, and would love to have one (or maybe more) other, but I seem to have several "issues". I'm hoping you mums out there can perhaps put my fears to rest, and share your experiences:

1. I am scared that I will not cope with a toddler and a newborn. What on earth happens with sleep? Will I ever sleep again? I suffer so much from sleep deprivation that I feel this one year with Libby has seriously altered my personality and that I have been on the brink of PND. We don't co-sleep, as I am not confident that I will not squash her, but am happy to sleep in the same room as bub.

2. How do I entertain a demanding toddler while coping with a baby?

3. How do I endure pregnancy again? It was bloody hard the first time around - and I'm not getting any younger (36 in January!)

4. The logistics of it all are that we are in a 2 bedroom home, and because of the massive amount of child support my hubby pays for his first two kids, cannot viably move out for another 3 years.

5. How do things work out financially? Is it just as costly having two as it is one, or is it more expensive? Does it matter if they are different sexes?

6. How do you do simple things, like grocery shopping with a baby and a toddler? Are there special trolleys? Do I take my chances with a pram and a sling and use the storage space under the pram for groceries, thereby having to make many trips? Do I just let DH get the groceries?

7. I'm scared to death of "losing" myself - my identity - while the kid(s) are young. By this I mean, at 1 year of age, Libby is pretty predictable, I can work one day a week, can go out and about with her, and am not wandering about the house still in my pj's at 3pm in a zombie-like trance (well, most days anyway). When she goes to bed at night, I know I can sit down and 99% of the time have an uninterrupted dinner with DH, a glass of wine, and a bath etc. I fear greatly losing this with the arrival of another baby. (although I know I would gain so much too).

8. Will I spend the rest of my life as a referee while they fight and argue over ridiculous things (my mother did with my brother and I)?

I sound pretty confused, don't I? Is it as scary as I think, or am I just worrying over nothing? Is it just mind over matter?:o

Many thanks in advance for your wonderful support.:)

[moonblossom]

OMG nickster you have so many questions LOL, as u should :)

All i can contribute is this, you have to seriously look at yourself and ask yourself if you can cope, if you were already pregnant you wouldnt have to ask yourself, you would have to cope, but your given the opportunity to look after you first, and i think thats really important.

One thing i can add is I've never lost my identity, i am a very unique individual and some who class as strange, but to my kids i'm the coolest mum out I have tattoo's, my eyebrow and nose periced and jet black hair down to my bum LOL, yup i've kept my identity, all my children love who I am and I'm the only mum I know who their oldest kids drag me out to go clubbin with them LOL

It is SO important not to lose who you are, and if your asking these questions you have serious doubts if this is the right time, then trust your intuition, and go with it.

The world is a glorious place, and this is your life to live, do it happily :)

[giggles]

I know exactly how you feel Nickster. I worry too how I will manage with another when the time comes.

But if moonblossom, mum of 7 says it's OK, then it must be.

What a woman!

[drewid]

Hi there

All of these thoughts and more have been going through my head lately too. Even more so, because I am watching my SIL deal with a toddler and a 4 month old and its a bit scary!

Forgive me if I ramble on a bit...!

I think with sleep deprivation, you just cope with it. You have to! Sleep when you can and enlist lots of help where you can. I guess you just become more and more organised and its becomes normal.

I think that toddlers become more able to entertain themselves as they grow, so it shouldn't be "too" much trouble to attend to both. And newborn babes are quite patient and very forgiving really. If you have to wait an extra 2 minutes to feed bub while you are attending to your toddler, they don't seem to mind. 2nd babies tend to be a bit more accepting of the status quo too - they know right from the beginning that mummy has another little person to look after. Whereas the 1st child usually take a while getting used to the new demands on Mum.

Can't help with the pregnancy enduring question - I had an easy one first time round and am optimistic at this point! I guess you just never know - you might get lucky next time. (fingers crossed anyway)

The 2 bedroom home thing I can sympathise with. We just moved a fortnight ago from our 2 bedroom townhouse. It was seriously squishy with 3 of us, and we were going insane. Having said that, we are renting, which is much easier for us than paying off a mortgage right now.

I think its not as costly to have 2 kids - you already have the 'stuff' so you really only need to add specifics - nappies, clothes etc. But if you have the same sex bub, you don't even need to worry about clothes. I think the worry financially is more when they get to school age and need more stuff and get into more activites etc.

As for grocery shopping - my DH and I go together, and one of us holds bub or pushes him in the trolley and the other one actively 'shops'. Sometimes we drop Andrew at grandmas so we can shop alone, but mostly we take him with us. There ARE special trolleys at some stores, our local Woolies have trolleys with 2 toddler seats in them, and also ones with a capsule and toddler seat. Very funky! I would probably lean towards one of you shopping and the other babysitting, or look into internet shopping.

As for losing yourself - I dont' know. I think if you are 'aware' of it, then you are more likely to try to retain it. At the moment, I come on to BubHub to keep sane, and if the housework suffers for a day, then so be it. It keeps me going! I think you just need to try to put aside some special time for yourself every so often to keep doing something that you love. Maybe have an hour or so that Daddy looks after the kids and you get time out.

As for being a referee - nah. I had a brother a year younger and another 7 years younger and the more we grew, the more M&D stayed out of it (unless it was getting too big a problem). And not all siblings are like that - my best friend and her brother have always been best mates, and even go shopping together (scary stuff).

The whole idea of more than one child is VERY scary, but totally manageable I think, if you are up for the challenge :) Its a very personal decision - only you can decide if you are up for it. Its another big life change!

Good luck with trying to figure it all out :)

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Hi Nickster,
Although I'm not an expert, perhaps I can help a little - I have a (just turned) four year old and a 8 and a half month old baby. I'll answer your questions one by one.

1. Sleep is a real issue. Try to sleep when you can. I guess you just keep on trying to function. Most of my friends and I agree, that a second baby makes things about 25% harder. Not as hard as the first, because you've already got experience and know easier ways around things - you're not as scared.

2. There is a cheat's way - DVD's! No, really, get the toddler involved with the baby - make it a game. Oh honey, can you find the baby's clean nappy for mummy? Let's play with the baby. Walks to the park with the toddler and the pram are good. Big plays with the toddler during baby's nap time is also good.

3. Pregnancy - cope the best you can! Sleep when your toddler does, and be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you will be emotional and cross, but it does pass.

4. We are also in a two bedroom home. Luckily we had an old sleepout that we converted to a bedroom with lots of hard work, however our 4 year old tends to jump into bed with us, with the baby in the cot at the foot of the bed.

5. It is a more expensive, but with each child you get a bit more family assistance - not enough to make you rich, but enough to help out. The $3000 maternity payment can also go a long way if you are careful with it.

6. I use a trolley which has a baby seat in it. Most good supermarkets have them and the toddler goes in the trolley and you pile food around them!

7. This can happen - I just feel like I'm getting my identity back - but I found the loss of identity much harder with the first - it was like *suddenly* I'm a mum - where is me? Now I'm used to being a mum, and just try to take time out for the things I like.

8. Who knows? I hope not - my sister and I could get pretty snarky - but now we are the best of friends!

Hope it helps!

[nemosmum]

Ditto to everything Nickster said LOL we are thinking of TTCing again but I am filled with just as many concerns as you!

How lucky are we that we can choose when or if :)

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Supermum]

1. You will cope with a toddler and a newborn! It’s a shock to the system at first but you soon find a rhythm and get into the swing of things. It’s a juggling act and you’ll become incredibly proficient at it. Lack of sleep is probably harder to get used to because you do forget how hard and demanding newborns can be. Your body will get you through it though as will the needs of your bubs. It gets better though I promise.

2. Let me see … feed bub on the left, read to toddler on the right. When bub is sleeping there’s no issue, when bub is awake you either put them in a sling or bouncinette and take them wherever you go … number 2 DD spent many hours in a bouncinette on the floor of DS’s bedroom while we played. When we went to the park, DS was in a stroller and DD in the sling.

3. My first pregnancy was disgusting as I had severe oedema (sp?) from 16 weeks so I looked and felt like a freakin teletubbie! The 2nd was much kinder on me. I already had a child as well so the 2nd pregnancy appeared to go much faster than the first. Labour was also magnificent as you know what you are doing.

4. Your toddler will get used to bub in the room and bub won’t know any different. They’ll be fine – if the Brady Bunch can do it … you can too!

5. We have one of each and they were born in different seasons so yes, more expensive for us in relation to clothing and some gender specific toys .. along with 2 x daycare fees.

6. In the early days before DD could sit in a trolley I used to have DS in the trolley and her in the sling. Not easy – but you get used to it. I found my Baby Bjorn invaluable.

7. You will have to go back to square one with a new bub … they seem to know the second you sit your backside down to eat dinner! But they’re only babies for such a short amount of time (at the time it doesn’t feel like it). DS is nearly three and DD 19 months – it’s so much easier for us now.

8. I’m a great ref … although the issues I deal with at the moment are probably nothing compared to what I will face. Lucky they grow slow, gives me a chance to get the hang of it.

I think the key here is anything is a challenge when you first try it … and it gets easier and easier the more experience you have. No different for parenting more than one child.

Obviously I cannot imagine a life without the two of them … together … and I enjoy not only my experience of being their mama, but also watching them learn about each other along the way.

[moonblossom]

Oh about the sleep deprevation, I totally symathise. DAMN my speeelling is bawd tooday LOL

I cannot say mine ever gave me trouble, I always had enough sleep but i think my technique is different to most these days.

I have a bassinette right at the side of my bed, and if they wake during the night I lean over and give them a dummy, if that doesnt work I lift them out..lay down in my bed , give the breast and we doze off together. If I wake before the baby does I just put the baby back into its bassinette, and do the same routine if the baby wakes again.

yes basically I'm a very lazy mommy LOL

[Foxymoron]

Well, I have 3 kids, with the next due to land in March. I have never lost myself, and I consider myself a pretty attached Mama.
I still have time to do a degree, have hobbies and get out on my own to enjoy some adult time each week.
Toddlers are quite obliging around newborns I have always found :) and yes, you will spend a fair amount of time being a referee heheheh... I choose which battles to intervene in though.
Toddlers find sitting with Mum and the baby fairly entertaining, you can have your child "read" you a book while you feed. You will find that 2 children get immense enjoyment and entertainment from each other too... There's nothing cuter than watching your baby get the giggles over the antics of your eldest.
With another dependant child your hubby will pay less child support, they will recalculate to include the costs of raising the children he has at home.
Financially it's not much different until they are older... I have Gymnastic fees for my eldest, who trains 8 hours per week :eek: and Speech Therapy for my son who is Autistic, next year there will be Kinder fees and I'm sure my youngest DD will want to do ballet or Gymnastics..... Honestly though, in the early years I've had no real difference between one or more than one.
Listen to your instincts, you'll know if you really want another bub, and all this stuff will work itself out :)

[Nickster]

Thank you so much you wonderful ladies, you all truly rock!

Hee hee supermum, I was a teletubby too from about week 25!

May I also humbly add that yes, I am a very lucky girl if I can conceive when DH and I choose to. You are so right there, Orlandosmum.

And thank you for not laughing at me, moonblossom and all those mums with more than 3 kids out there!

Please keep your advice coming - this thread is still open for business.:)

[JATS]

Hi Nickster

I am currently ttc #2 and #1 is 5 months old.

I don't think I can add much, the other ladies have already pretty much covered it, just wanted to say it's always good to remember you aren't alone. I think alot of us forget that at times, there's heaps of other mums out there going through the same things and it can be helpful to seek them out! Never hurts to make new friends, and having someone close by going through the same things is a god send!

I had trouble ttc#1 so I am hoping I can have more without too much trouble.

I don't know the answers to all the questions running through your head, or my own, but I am really looking forward to discovering the answers once (if) I fall pregnant!

[Peaceangels]

Nickster, can understand where you are coming from, at least you are preparing yourself by doing some research and what a great place to get some "real" advice!!

In answer to your question's, I'll give it a go based on my own personal experience (my two are 15mths apart and are now almost 3yrs and 20mths).

1. Sleep - try and make it that at least one of new bub's sleep's is the same time as toddler's, so you can take a nap if need be. It really depends on the routine of your children, you just adjust your sleep time accordingly (ie-go to bed earlier at night).
I don't think we ever really get used to sleep deprivation, but the night waking (every couple of hours for feeding) shouldn't last any longer than 1-2years.

2. Entertaining a toddler with a newborn can be difficult, but the key is to keep the toddler involved in the baby's routine so they feel part of it (help at nappy change time or bath time). The most valuable advice I received was to make sure you have "one on one" time with your toddler every day.

3. Enduring pregnancy for the 2nd time is good if your toddler still has day sleeps, that way you too can have a nap.

4. Living in a two bedroom home, you can have the newborn in the room with you till night feeds stop, then maybe the two kids can share a room.
This works ok once the toddler gets used to having other sibling in the room.

5. Finances, just got to see how you go and make changes accordingly. Mine are the same sex, so we have been able to used alot of clothes 2nd time round, but that is probably the only thing we have saved on.
I am looking for part time work at the moment (haven't worked for 3 years).

6. Trying doing your grocery shopping on line for the first couple of months (the major supermarkets do this), or do it on your own when DH is home (it is so much easier!!!!).
Most supermarkets have the trolley's with the baby capsule and the toddler seat, so if you have to, this isn't too hard (just take lots of snacks / drinks for toddler).

7. Losing your identity is one of the hardest things about motherhood, but can be avoided if you take time out for yourself regularly (I go to yoga for 2 hours once a week and try and take some time out on the weekends also).
With a newborn you have to put in so much for the first couple of months, but as they grow and start going on to solids things become much easier for you (looking back this period is only short and goes soooo quickly!! - enjoy it).

8. Not if you keep them busy! Teach them turn taking games early on as this will help as far as "refereeing" is concerned.
We do puzzle's together #1 has a go, then #2 (and so on and so forth), as turn taking is easier to understand before they get the "sharing" concept.
I have bought two of certain toys that they both really like, and now if one is trying to take something off the other I try and divert the attention of the "taker" on to another exciting game or toy.

Try not to be too concerned as you will find that things just seem to fall into place (after everyone has adjusted to a new person in the house).

[wattle]

Hi Nickster. Well I'm about 5 weeks pregnant with No. 2 and ds is 11 months. I'm an old bat too - 35. I had all the same questions as you.

Will keep you posted as things progress! It's sure to be interesting. I feel like I've just been strapped in to the biggest ride at Luna Park.....here we goooooooooooooooooooooooo..

[Nickster]

Cathy,
I'm looking forward to being updated on the great rollercoaster ride!
Nic
x

ps. I'm an older bat than you! Ha!:D

[Baby Girl]

Hey Nickster,

I just have a quick tip for shopping...

I carried my newbie in a sling while DD1 sat in the trolley, now DD2 is bigger, she sits in the seat and DD1 walks or rides on the front of the trolley, I found that I had to set rules for DD1 about holding onto the trolley or staying on it while it was moving and things like that but I can do the weekly groceries with both girls in 45 minutes from the car and back to it (I usually take my time but it can be done quickly). I found that I became more organised but also more laid back about everything too!! Not any emergencies in our house these days...except when DD1 needs to get into the loo and someone else is in it....:eek:

I will post more later if I can about your other q's.