View Full Version : Thinking About Being A Single Parent: Terrified
charli06
18-12-2005, 20:23
thinking about becoming a single parent have no one and scared
HERE IS THE BACKGROUND INFO, ADVICE PLZ
hi, sry if this is a long one but really need to vent
Ok i have been married for nearly 4 years and it has been a constant rollercoaster of a relationship, i attributed it to a major series of life events:
* 6 pregnancies
* finally having a baby 20mths old
* moving about 6 times
* me being 18yrs old when we married and hubby 10years older
* me stil working through being abuse as a child
* completing my uni degree
*moving to melbourne, knowing no one
* changing jobs frequently
* us seperating for 6 mths and hubby being depressed
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I HAVE COPED, but now uni is over and we have been settled in our own hme for nearly a year i really thought things would settle down.
WELL THEY HAVENT: i have found out a string of secrets that hubby has kept from me:
* he never finished uni, despite the fact that i was working two jobs to help support us, he has lied to me about it and continued to lie until i came up with proof he was lying
* he has had past financial debts that he has hidden and also denied them until i found proof, meanwhile constantly putting me down for not working full time and blaming me we are broke, NEVER AN APOLOGY EITHER
I WAS PREPARED TO LEAVE HIM AGAIN but then he becomes nice " i love u honey etc etc" but then again tonight he ignored me when i said goodbye when he left for work and started screaming at me that he was late
WHY DOES HE BECOME SO AGGRESSIVE THEN LOVING.???
IT IS MAKING ME EMOTIONALLY UNBALANCED!
I THINK I AM ALSO SCARED OF LEAVING, I DONT WANT TO BE POOr working parttime and on centrelink, nor do i want to be a workaholic and never see sascha
I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS I HAVE ASKED TO GO FOR COUNSELING , HE PUT IT OF THEN SAID NO. BUT THEN I SEE MY FRIENDS RELATIONSHIP AND ITS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME, IS MARRIED LIFE JUST LIKE THIS, AM I JUST SELFISH AND WANT TO BE SINGLE? THANKS FOR LISTENING
tyler's mum
07-01-2006, 21:53
im sorry you are having such a hard time, ive been a single mum from the start tyler is only 4months,, im not goin to lie it is hard doin it on ur own,, but as bad as this may seem,,, its no longer about you or ur hubby,,, u have a child to put frist now,,, you have to think that growing up in a unhappy house is goin to do to ur child? some times being apart is the best thing you could do for your child.... im sorry i dont have some better advised for you,,, i wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide:)
It's a really lonely place you're in. I know from experience. If you decide to leave, and it sounds like you'd be doing the right thing for you and your precious baby, it will be hard. BUT it will also be the making of you! You will see just how strong, resourceful, and independant you are. Your list of personal problems sounds like a hell of a cross to bare, you are obviously all of those qualities I just listed, and your partner doesn't sound like he's mature enough to cope with it (even if he is 10 years older). I knew the second I found out I was pregnant with my daughter that I would be a single mother, just over a year after her birth I was. AT the end of the day I'm glad it happened before my daughter can remember, she never saw the fights or the violence, or the sorrow. It made me see who I am, I grew into a woman that I am proud to be! You will do the same - I promise! It's been over 6 years since I left my x, and I know it was the best decision I have EVER made. You will not be alone forever! You will not suffer from poverty!(life without men is FAR cheaper than you know;) ) AND if you choose to leave, there's lots of support groups, and a whole heap of women who understand the whole expererience and all it's facets.
Sorry about the essay, I get passionate about this topic:o !
My whole point is......women can do anything!!!!!!!!!!!
Best of luck, keep us posted.
Mummy_Johnno
09-01-2006, 21:42
I am also sorry for you too. I have my own crisis happening as we speak but hopefully one day i will be brave enough to post it like you.
As i write this to you, i should be listening to myself as well. You need to be strong for your little one and do what is right for you.
Take care of yourself
I've known from the day i found out i was pregnant i would be a single mum. i tried to make the relationship work but i wasn't in love with her father and i split from him the day after bub was born. Being a single parent can be hard but at the same time it means that you only have to focus on making a great life for you and your bub. you dont have to worry so much about other people and what kind of influence or effect they have on your life.
only you know what is best for you and your bub but at the end of the day, you both deserve to be living a happy and fulfilling life.
Mummy_Johnno - we are all here if you need to talk!
Mummaof2
10-01-2006, 06:12
Saschasmum,
I became a single mum when my DD was 1yo. Three months after she was born (22/12/00) i had to return to full time work as her father had crashed my car and as he was driving unlicensed i had to fit the bill for my car and the other car involved. He was never physically abusive but was emotionally & verbally abusive. I would go to work 9-5 five days a week and came home and be verbally abused cause the house wasnt clean or the dinner wasnt cooked yet all day he sat on his *** doing nothing when he was suppose to be looking after DD but my mum always ended up looking after her. There is alot more to the story but i rather not dwell on the past as i am now in a happy loving marriage.
I just wanted to say that you have to think of your DD in making your decision. I was terrified of being a single mum, not because i thought i couldnt do it as i knew i would have all the support from my family, but because i was scared of what people would think of me. My final decision was made based on how it would affect my DD. Should i bring her up in a home with constant arguments and verbal abuse being thrown at me and with me being depressed OR should i leave her father and hope that she is brought up with the understanding that both parents & families love her but her mummy & daddy didnt love each other. Of course i went with the later as i knew that if i stayed with him in the long run that would be more traumatic for her listening to arguments everyday then being a child of a single mum.
My DD is now 5yo and she is a very confident, mature 5yo and thinks she is special as she has 2 mummies & 2 daddies.
Good luck in making your decision i know in the end you will make the right one not only for your daughter but also for yourself.
chrissi108
10-01-2006, 09:47
Bare with me I've never 'posted' before!
I didn't plan on being a single mum. My partner persuaded me to have a baby and when I was six months pregnant, changed his mind!!!!!:
He returned only to leave with the other woman when our angel was three months old.
I too feel as if I'm sinking. It's been four months now.
Does anyone know of any support groups or anything?
ella + 2
25-01-2006, 11:15
Hi all,
Im not a single parent but i am ready to leave my partner. We have a 13 month old daughter and im 25 weeks pregnant with twins buti jsut cant handle him anymore. He's not violent or abusive its jsut all the other little things that he does. He doesnt seem to care bout my needs and doesnt understand what its like to be pregnant especially with twins.
How do i no if im jsut being hormonal or if this relationship is really over. I honestly feel as though i dont "love" him anymore.
Any advice u could give would be great.
on the other side of the coin, my dad raised me as a single parent and despite all the odds being stacked against him he did a f***ing great job.
Having said that, I have had to grow up and realise that my child is the whole reason I was put on this earth and give him all the love he needs, plus my partner needs to get in on that too and I make sure she gets plenty as well. As far as I'm concerned parenting is about two people expressing the love they shared together and creating a family. If one parent has trouble being a mum or dad, then I feel they may just be too immature to do so and need you to communicate with them what your feelings are and to let them know that you want them to share it with you and be a part of it. Sometimes they may be feeling as if they are not "part of the team" and are unsure of how to deal with it in an adult manner.
becschasebaby
03-02-2006, 23:27
hi,
your stories all sound so sad, but it looks like you all have the childrens best interests at heart in your decisions. i was never with (as in, in a relationship) with the partner of my unborn, and had not seen him for a month when i found out i was pregnant. and although i was and still am terrified, scared and unhappy about the thought of doing it completely by myself, it doesnt terrify me as much as the thought of spending the rest of my life with a man who i dont love (or even like very much) and who wouldnt treat me well. i dont think a child would benefit from that either.
i have heard that children do need both parents, and i want him to still know junior but thats all up to him now. but i commit to doing the best by it that i can.
good luck with your decisions, i know you will all make the right ones, and congrats to those of you who are so strong and have been through so much and are now raising kids by yourself - you all are amazing!
bec:o
Hi all!!
AM new to this forum and glad I found this subject. Kind of long so don't get too bored!!:)
Don't know what advice to give people who ask this question because although some situations appear to be so similar, it's always an individual thing and a very personal decision.
My main piece of advice though would be to not be afraid of doing something that deep down you know is the right thing. Even if it means things become a real challenge. If you seriously believe that life without the other person is going to benefit you and your child/ren then you need to go with that and push aside all the sentimental reasons that keep you in an unhappy (and sometimes unsafe)situation.
My personal experience was so similar to many of the ones I have read in this forum. A man who put me on a pedestal then pushed me right off it ( it would seem overnight!). A self centred man who is an emotional and verbal abuser not to mention a LIAR and a control freak. A man who wanted his cake and eat it too and very unsupportive even thru pregnancy and labour!! He could be loving and sweet one day and then he'd do his Jekyl and Hyde thing on me and be nasty the next. He has a lot of issues shall we say. We were never married but we did live together and did decide to have a child (far too early in our relationship and well before his true nature was revealed to me). I too was terrified to leave and couldn't bare the thought of my (then 6mth old baby) not having a father living with him. I left when baby was 6mths old with the view that this man needed some serious help and that I 'owed' it to my child to try to help his father and give him a chance to prove himself. THis he never did despite my every effort to support him and help him realise what he was throwing away.
Well to cut a really long story as short as I can....I gave him that chance after moving from my parents home and into my own place with baby. We'd been split up for 4ths at that stage but still communicated without resuming a 'physical relationship'. I allowed this person back into my life because he 'appeared' to be changing and showed a level of consideration & understanding I'd not experienced b4. Unfortunately he just couldn't keep up this facade and the bad behaviour returned. At that stage I was 3 mths pregnant with second baby (who is now 5 mths old)...not a planned pregnancy (obviously) but nonetheless, I was not going to make this some excuse to allow him to stay in my life. To stay in my childrens lives is another kettle of fish but it was up to me now to MOVE ON! This I have done. Didn't know how I'd manage a toddler (my boys are 20mth apart) and pregnancy let alone a new baby! I've done all this and will resume work in August but not without the love and support of my wonderful family. Life is really tough sometimes but I wouldn't go back for the world and couldn't be happier within myself.
It's not easy doing this alone and I'd be the last one to pretend that it is but it sure beats having to be put down, abused and told you are not good enough. You ARE good enough, in fact you are the BEST!!! Don't fear having a calmer and safer life for yourself and your child/ren. My story is way more complicated than I've explained here but I wouldn't bore you all any more than I have with the details but I am far better off where I am now as tough as it can be. I've learnt not to sell myself so short.
Cheers all and sorry this was such a long post it's just that I am really passionate about this stuff and would love to help support anyone who just needs to know there are people out there who are going thru the same thing. I need it too sometimes so I'm glad you're all here!
Jewel
Mumma to two perfect cherubs!!:D
Luckymummy
13-02-2006, 01:53
Hi, Im so sorry to hear of all your situations, and yes you do have the childrens interests first, but to stay with men like you all have and the situations that you all have endured, it is amazing how much women will put up with just for love.Please dont allow these men to rule your lives the way these men wish to portray their needs as you needs are just as important if not more important.I am a mother of two children who stayed with a man and put up with a hell of of lot, until the abuse became too much and was being redirected towards the children.Men are unpredictable at the best of times.You all know the answers to the questions you ask yourself, step up to the plate and take back control of your lives if not for yourselves do it for the children and the future they require.Being a single mother is hard yes, but it has possibilities and situations that are endless, and make all the hard work worth it especially to see that sparkling smile on a childs face rather than the face of a child who feels tension in its own home.
Good luck with your decision, and your futures.:)
Luckymummy
13-02-2006, 01:57
Hi all!!
AM new to this forum and glad I found this subject. Kind of long so don't get too bored!!:)
Don't know what advice to give people who ask this question because although some situations appear to be so similar, it's always an individual thing and a very personal decision.
My main piece of advice though would be to not be afraid of doing something that deep down you know is the right thing. Even if it means things become a real challenge. If you seriously believe that life without the other person is going to benefit you and your child/ren then you need to go with that and push aside all the sentimental reasons that keep you in an unhappy (and sometimes unsafe)situation.
My personal experience was so similar to many of the ones I have read in this forum. A man who put me on a pedestal then pushed me right off it ( it would seem overnight!). A self centred man who is an emotional and verbal abuser not to mention a LIAR and a control freak. A man who wanted his cake and eat it too and very unsupportive even thru pregnancy and labour!! He could be loving and sweet one day and then he'd do his Jekyl and Hyde thing on me and be nasty the next. He has a lot of issues shall we say. We were never married but we did live together and did decide to have a child (far too early in our relationship and well before his true nature was revealed to me). I too was terrified to leave and couldn't bare the thought of my (then 6mth old baby) not having a father living with him. I left when baby was 6mths old with the view that this man needed some serious help and that I 'owed' it to my child to try to help his father and give him a chance to prove himself. THis he never did despite my every effort to support him and help him realise what he was throwing away.
Well to cut a really long story as short as I can....I gave him that chance after moving from my parents home and into my own place with baby. We'd been split up for 4ths at that stage but still communicated without resuming a 'physical relationship'. I allowed this person back into my life because he 'appeared' to be changing and showed a level of consideration & understanding I'd not experienced b4. Unfortunately he just couldn't keep up this facade and the bad behaviour returned. At that stage I was 3 mths pregnant with second baby (who is now 5 mths old)...not a planned pregnancy (obviously) but nonetheless, I was not going to make this some excuse to allow him to stay in my life. To stay in my childrens lives is another kettle of fish but it was up to me now to MOVE ON! This I have done. Didn't know how I'd manage a toddler (my boys are 20mth apart) and pregnancy let alone a new baby! I've done all this and will resume work in August but not without the love and support of my wonderful family. Life is really tough sometimes but I wouldn't go back for the world and couldn't be happier within myself.
It's not easy doing this alone and I'd be the last one to pretend that it is but it sure beats having to be put down, abused and told you are not good enough. You ARE good enough, in fact you are the BEST!!! Don't fear having a calmer and safer life for yourself and your child/ren. My story is way more complicated than I've explained here but I wouldn't bore you all any more than I have with the details but I am far better off where I am now as tough as it can be. I've learnt not to sell myself so short.
Cheers all and sorry this was such a long post it's just that I am really passionate about this stuff and would love to help support anyone who just needs to know there are people out there who are going thru the same thing. I need it too sometimes so I'm glad you're all here!
Jewel
Mumma to two perfect cherubs!!:D
Jewel you are a credit to all women.Well done and congradulations
melindabust
09-03-2006, 09:05
well iam a ingle mother of two girls and i have recently just been left not by there father though. i swore i would never let my guard down again and as soon as i did i got smashed down . we werent togher very long but it still hurts
The father of my DS took off the very night I told him I was pregnant. Bas:banghead: tard. Which I found very unusual as All the time that I knew him he was always so upset about not being able to see his DD (previous relationship) He even cried on my shoulder about the time he was loosing with her and not being able to see her walk etc.. We were never an "item", we were just friends, housemates and single. When he found someone he wanted to get "to know" we went back to being just friends. They had been together 6mths when I found out I was pregnant and I was 7mths. When I told him he freaked out and he has never seen his son. This behavior was strange as he pined for his DS and I wasn't stopping him seeing his son. MEN!!!!:banghead:
Anyway I think Jewel you are an inspiration to all single parents, as you said it's not easy but it's better than being in an unhappy relationship as it is not healthy for you or bub. And Melindadust I understand I wasn't with my bubs dad for long but it also hurt as we were close enough to make a child then all of a sudden it was like I had a contagious disease and he ran for the hills.
Everyone that has asked the question of what to do, if you are asking this question I think you already know the answer and looking for an OK from the rest of us single mums, well to answer that question you already know is YES move on this is your childs future they do not need to be in this unhappy enviroment, it's not about just you anymore. Though every situation is different and individual the one main 'same factor' is the future of these kids do not subject them to any sort of abuse and unhappiness.
Hope you make the decision thats right for you and your bub and things get brighter for you.
Stay positive ladies and remember single parenting can be done.
It's sad to hear everyone stories. Please do what's best for your little ones - they are so much more important. My ex dh loves his kids to bits but we are no longer in love even though we have tried for the second time. I am so much happier now - like a weight lifted - even my closest friends can't understand what we have been through and what we are going through. My ex dh is my flat mate and that's all (as we live under the same roof) and we have both realised that our lives are so much better now. I wish all the best of luck. Just a note - the last time we split (2003) i was working 7 days a week and had no family support and i was loving life. It was my to take and breath...... I want that again...believe it or not.
KiLLaKaZ
12-03-2006, 06:19
It's sad to hear everyone stories. Please do what's best for your little ones - they are so much more important. My ex dh loves his kids to bits but we are no longer in love even though we have tried for the second time. I am so much happier now - like a weight lifted - even my closest friends can't understand what we have been through and what we are going through. My ex dh is my flat mate and that's all (as we live under the same roof) and we have both realised that our lives are so much better now. I wish all the best of luck. Just a note - the last time we split (2003) i was working 7 days a week and had no family support and i was loving life. It was my to take and breath...... I want that again...believe it or not.
lol. sounds (a little) like my ex hubby & i - we are currently separated & living as flatmates! but that's coz he feels obligated to help look after me bubs once she's born... the only reason i agreed to the arrangement was because i didn't want to have to live alone, esp. if there was a pregnancy complication & secondly coz i'm still in love with him! :o wish it was reciprocated... his last statement about 'us' was that he thins he was never in love with me... :crying: thanks a lot!
anyway, back to the topic: he lied to you about something pretty important. :thumbsdown: trusting him again about ANYTHING will be very difficult for you!! if the only reason keeping you together is the fear of being poor - think about which is most important, your child or money?! happiness doesn't have to rely on money! in fact, in our society, the more money people seem to have, the less happy they are!
i think you can raise a child fairly well on centrelink - my SIL does it & has enough $$ left over to buy lots of expensive things for herself, bubs & other friends & family! she's constantly giving family members 'loans' (then not accepting money back!) you just have to know how to spend WISELY ;)
Well I can tell this story from two perspectives....
I, myself, have never met my father.... which in hindsight I consider a good thing... people ask me if I ever want to find my dad and my answer to them is why would I if he has never shown an ounce of interest in me, I have made myself who I am today and why open a book that is long closed... he doesn't deserve to know me...
However I also have three younger sisters, who have to different fathers.... the eldest of the three has a father, who when I was younger I thought was mine, and when I was older found out was not a man to be trusted and had done something to me I had always suspected.... the younger two's father was a very unstable man, particularly mentally, that put me through hell, and made me and my immediately younger sister feel like strangers in our own home....
My mother stayed with this man for way too many years, I don't know whether it was for the sake of the younger children, or for her own companionship, if you could call it that, but she never listened to the pleas of her two eldest children and what we had to go through... as soon as I was old enough I was out of there....
I can say that both of us have had self identity issues due to our childhoods, but I never use that as an excuse, and have shaped myself into a strong, determined and extremely intelligent woman all of my own accord.... I never felt supported, loved or appreciated by my mother, and as such we do not have a close relationship, I attribute my success all too myself and to the opportunities I have made....
I know am 5 mths pregnant, it was an unplanned pregnancy, but some of the best things in life can be surprises, my ex, who I was living with at the time, does not see things the same way, this miracle did not fit with his rigid plans.... the only "convenient" solution for him was a termination, which was never an option for me....
I had never planned to be a single parent, but at the same time I am prepared for it, and determined to the best by my lil girl... Already we have had countless arguments, he has claimed he wants to be involved, but has showed no interest in the pregnancy and his unborn daughter... I am not going to stop him from having the opportunity to be involved with his daughter, however I have made it clear he has to be a positive influence, love her, be proud of her and committed to her...she has to be number 1... nothing less is acceptable... so far he has expressed nothing but shame for this child, and I won't have that in her life.... she deserves better....
All in all, (wow that was an essay)... I can say PLEASE do what's best by your child, no matter how hard it may seem, the hardest things in life usually bring the best rewards, and having a healthy, stable and happy child who feels loved and wanted has to be the best reward there is....
I am determined to give my lil gal all the things I never had, the things that money can't buy!!!
KiLLaKaZ
13-03-2006, 03:53
I am determined to give my lil gal all the things I never had, the things that money can't buy!!!
that's EXACTLY how i feel! :D
lol. i've been imagining what life will be like with just the two of us & can't wait! ;)
i just hope i know WHEN to pull back so i don't smother her... (& potentially become a 'smother-in-law' in the future!)
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