in a mess plz help wit advice

[charli06]

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hi, sry if this is a long one but really need to vent
Ok i have been married for nearly 4 years and it has been a constant rollercoaster of a relationship, i attributed it to a major series of life events:
* 6 pregnancies
* finally having a baby 20mths old
* moving about 6 times
* me being 18yrs old when we married and hubby 10years older
* me stil working through being abuse as a child
* completing my uni degree
*moving to melbourne, knowing no one
* changing jobs frequently
* us seperating for 6 mths and hubby being depressed
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I HAVE COPED, but now uni is over and we have been settled in our own hme for nearly a year i really thought things would settle down.
WELL THEY HAVENT: i have found out a string of secrets that hubby has kept from me:
* he never finished uni, despite the fact that i was working two jobs to help support us, he has lied to me about it and continued to lie until i came up with proof he was lying
* he has had past financial debts that he has hidden and also denied them until i found proof, meanwhile constantly putting me down for not working full time and blaming me we are broke, NEVER AN APOLOGY EITHER
I WAS PREPARED TO LEAVE HIM AGAIN but then he becomes nice " i love u honey etc etc" but then again tonight he ignored me when i said goodbye when he left for work and started screaming at me that he was late
WHY DOES HE BECOME SO AGGRESSIVE THEN LOVING.???
IT IS MAKING ME EMOTIONALLY UNBALANCED!
I THINK I AM ALSO SCARED OF LEAVING, I DONT WANT TO BE POOr working parttime and on centrelink, nor do i want to be a workaholic and never see sascha
I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS I HAVE ASKED TO GO FOR COUNSELING , HE PUT IT OF THEN SAID NO. BUT THEN I SEE MY FRIENDS RELATIONSHIP AND ITS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME, IS MARRIED LIFE JUST LIKE THIS, AM I JUST SELFISH AND WANT TO BE SINGLE? THANKS FOR LISTENING

[funfarrell]

Sacha i am not going to say that i feel sorry for you because instead, i admire you. You have come through so much, you should be proud of yourself. I hope that doesn't sound patronising as it can be hard to write things down. You mustn't think all marraiges are like that. I am very happily married. It's not perfect, but my husband is wonderful to me and my baby. You deserve that. I hope your husband agrees to go to counselling as it sounds liek he has a few problems of his own to sort out. Good luck.

[charli06]

I Really Wish He Would Agree To Go, I Will Give It A Chance Or I Will Have To Leave , Broke. Lol

[Jaileth]

Hey saschasmum -

No, married life isn't meant to be like that at all. I see you've found Queenies thread. She's going through something similar, so might be a good person to talk too.

And - no offence or anything, but did you know that typing in CAPS is like yelling? It aslo makes it really hard to read. Not everyone knows, so I just thought I'd mention it.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. And as it's been said in Queenies thread - lepoards don't change their spots. And some boys only grow old, not up. Take care of yourself, and don't worry about your hubby - have a great christmas season for you and Sascha!

[charli06]

lol i had no idea its like yelling, if sascha hits the caps key we type in caps, very new to chat , sorry , ps what does ds actually mean , or dh , or dd for that matter?

[Shazbutt]

I don't really have any advice for you sorry, i just wish you the best in whatever you decide to do....and have a happy christmas with your DD no matter what!

DH means dear husband
DP dear partner
DS dear son
DD dear daughter etc etc.

There is a thread at the top of the index of forums called 'useful site info' or something similar, you'll find a big list of abbreviations there.

[LilShenanigans]

There's abbreviations in the introduction threads (don't worry, I had to locate them the other day cause I hadn't a clue what everyone was talking about!).

I think this should really go out to everyone in this situation. It's been mentioned before that abuse isn't just physical, it's mental too.
I believe my mother has gone through this and her self esteem is atrocious, and shes now in a relationship with someone who doesn't care, lies and well... everything everyone has said about their partners.

Women deserve to be respected, and unfortunately some men out there don't know the extent that their partners have to go through.
Have you ever a left a bloke to their own capabilities only to be completely lost, and especially, as I found out, couldn't even turn a washing machine on?

I know a lot of people look down on others in welfare, I do to, but I've had to since I can't work and the deadbeat won't pay a cent for his child. (can we get a new abbreviation, DB - dead beat???:o ).

Anyway, I just really wanted to say there is no shame in rebuilding your life, any means possible. And starting from the bottom will give you a much more rewarding feeling when you realise that life is better.

I'm sure most on here who have complained about it, have realised there are people out there that want to help, and I'm sure for those who don't think they know anyone they can turn to just haven't asked for that hand to hold.

By all means hold your family together as long as you can, seek counselling even if only for yourself, take time out, stand up for yourself... But if all else fails save yourself and especially your children as they live by the knowledge that actions speak louder then words.

[charli06]

thankyou so much for all the advice
makes me feel so much better
cheers sabrina and sascha

[ZAKA]

Some men can be such Ba****ds. As mentioned emotional abuse is just as distructive as physical abuse. You sound as though you know what you should do. It can be very hard to leave at first but you need to do what will make you and your baby happiest in the long run. Out there is a wonderful person waiting for you that will treat you the way you need. My brother is giving his marriage another go and doing exactly what he did in the first place to cause it to break down. The problem being is he thinks he is making an effort!!! He is 28 and still has a lot of growing up to do. My mum said the other day he is really like his father and our dad is 51 and still on the learning curve :-) Love my dad though. Not sure if it helps but vent away it will help you get things in perspective.

[moonblossom]

Hi Sasha,

A relationship is a partnership, with both working for each other. He probably picked someone quite young and vunerable because he could manipulate you easier. Who knows just a thought.

My advice is this. KNOW your worth, KNOW your worthy of love and KNOW your child will look to you to learn how to be treated and how to treat others.

If your happy raising your child in your household atm, then keep going, if your not, then its up to yu to make changes.

We all hate change, its just not in our character. We like predictability and stability, sometimes that isnt possible.

If your really unhappy, choose a different path, that path may still involve your husband, or it may not, just know whatever the outcome is in the end, was the right one.

Thinking of you

[AMW]

Being a wife and mother for some 25 years (nearly) with 3 beautiful daughters and a loving husband I would go with Moonblossoms advice. Be true to yourself and your baby they will look to you for all they need and one of those tings is to be treated with love and respect. We all take different paths in our life I hope you choose the right one for you.
Good luck and try have a wonderful christmas Keep on smiling
Hold tight to that which you cherish

[moonblossom]

I often find those who do not love themselves find it difficult to find people who love them. We are only treated badly if WE ALLOW people to do it. Its a difficult thing to grasp, but once you say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, it will be.

There are thousands of women who have said enough is enough, and changed their paths, left their abusive husbands and found happiness. If your not happy, then nobody around you will be.

Take care of Number One, which is YOU, and once your healed those around you can too,.

Life is to be lived with love, happiness and joy. And this doesnt mean WITH A PARTNER, it can be achieved without one. You dont need anyone to COMPLETE you, only you can do that.

Take care.

[JATS]

We are only treated badly if WE ALLOW people to do it

I was also abused as a child, by a trusted family member as well as another person, and take offence at that remark. We can't always control what happens to us, we can only control our response.

Sabrina you have to decide how you are going to respond to this situation, how will it affect Sascha to grow up in the situation you are in?

Counselling would be a good start, working through the issues you each have will help sort out if the relationship can still work. If you don't think it's going to work, you need to be strong, if for nothing else for your child, and do whats best for her.

Take care

Amy

[moonblossom]

I am NOT talking about abuse when you are a child and have no say. I' m talking about ADULTS, AND WE make our choices and get treated the way we ALLOW people to treat us.

[JATS]

I don't understand how this is true, that would mean rape couldn't exist because the woman ALLOWED herself to be treated that way....

Don't mean to be a pain, I just don't understand what you mean.

[moonblossom]

I think you DO know what I'm talking about. Violence against anyone is something that is out of our control, it is a degradation done to another without their consent,. The lowest skum on the earth penetrate these kinds of crimes...

So now I've made it clear...I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IN OUR EVERYDAY LIVES TREAT US.

We are treated they way we allow people to treat us. Surely you get what I'm saying???

[JATS]

I understand what you are saying now, just needed it clarified, but I still don't believe it is true. JMO