MIL tearing me up inside

[sasholi]

Hi All.
I know this is very common but I just guess I have no one else to turn to right now.

My MIL is causing grief (did god put them on this earth for this very reason? Really, what is their purpose???!!!:confused: )

Anyway, on with the story.
I have always felt intimidated by my MIL. She's a lecturer at uni, has all these degrees bla bla, has her doctorate, knows so much about geog/hist/linguistics etc. She is a perfectionist, a great cook etc. She is a workaholic.

this isn't the problem. The problem is that every single good event in my life with my husband has been tainted by her. The amount of times she made me cry leading up to the wedding is innumerable, because: the invitations didn't look right (even though I had just spent HOURS in between studying for my uni exams putting them all together and thought they looked fine); we were getting married in the wrong place; my wedding dress wasn't right.

Then we had a baby: I don't clean him properly; why do I think I know better than the rest of the world because I didn't use highly perfumed baby products on him for the first three months (and still only use organic baby products on him), which is why my son had "horrific" nappy rash (which isn't true. He didn't have nappy rash - a tiny redness occassionally, but not at all bad); etc.

Then we bought a house: it is in the worst location in Brisbane (hello, I live in Kenmore and I love it here with the trees, and the schools are good and I feel safe here) because the houses aren't new; it is an ugly house (I love it); with a horrible spot (opposite a huge football oval with swings and plenty of place to run around and my hubby takes bubs for a walk every morning and nearly every afternoon to see the dogs and the birds!) and because it was near a semi-main road, my son is going to have ADHD from exposure to too many chemicals and mental problems from exposure to too much car noise (you never hear them really), which is a very interesting way of telling me that I am abusing my child by living here amongst the trees, the greenery, the safety.

Then we were talking about how fast kids grow up and she said, "and one day your son will bring home the woman he wants to marry and she'll never be good enough".

Then recently she came over and told me that I couldn't possibly put photos on the walls in the same room as paintings because it is an unwritten architectural rule that you just don't do that. And she told me, then she told me, then she told me, then she told me AGAIN. At which point my body language was not very friendly.

She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn't appreciate all her "opinions" and that she shouldn't be expressing them over and over because I heard her the first time. Of course, she did the emotional manipulation thing and told me that "of course I'm the worst mother in law and grandmother in the world" etc etc. It was horrible. I'm not good at confrontation but I had to say something. I have felt undermined as a mother since the day I brought my baby home. My family all live in Melb and i live in Bris and I miss them so so much.

She even dared to tell me that my mother sees my son more than she does. She sees my son nearly twice a week.

Now, the thing that is eating me up is tomorrow they want us to come to their place to sort this out once and for all. All day I have been on the verge of vomiting. I can't sit, I can't eat, I can't stand. I can't do anything. I'm simply not coping. I'm trying to deal with PND also (they do not know about PND and I would not tell them because they would think I have zero credibility then!), which is difficult while dealing with this nonesense.

It is my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary on 8th Jan and I am going to melb to celebrate it with them. however, it is my in-law's family saint's day (an orthodox thing) and my FIL wanted to announce my son as the family "candle bearer" meaning he will carry on the family tradition one day. It's some formality. I understand it's significance but they have gotten so upset because I am taking my son down to Melb to be with my grandparents (who, incidentally didn't have a wedding, only a marriage because they were "shamed" because they got preggas before marriage etc etc so this is like their real wedding for them).

The family saint's day is annual and so they can really announce Aleksander next year, even though it is tradition to do it on his first year of life apparently.

They said that they will think about moving it a week later (the celebration) so that we can be there, But they said it is at a great sacrifice to them because it is shameful to do it on a day other than the actual day (they invite all their friends and relos over). But what they don't understand is that every single day I sacrifice being with my family and having my son know my parents as well as he knows my in-laws because I chose to stay and live in Brisbane (the weather was a draw card for me, but if i knew my in-laws were going to be SOOOOOO awful I would have moved to melb again and braved the cold grew weather in a heartbeat. Nothing is more depressing than having awful in-laws).

really, it is not so much that I don't get along well with them. They tell people they like me (at least, they tell people that when I am around) and how pretty I am etc etc, but I just don't think they are very good people. They aren't kind, they aren't generous. If they are generous it is for selfish reasons.

Anyway, getting side tracked.

I guess i have just used up all my confrontational abilities on Thurs night and I just can't do it anymore. I am exhausted.

my husband is really on my side, and will fight for me and with me I know, but I still feel like this is eating us because I am just soooo snappy with him and I know it is because he is and always will be a part of them (genetically speaking). He keeps telling me he is on my side, and he will even disown his parents for my sake he said (I really DON'T want that as my son adores my FIL especially) and I do believe in family.

I know what advice I will get. To stick up for my family and my beliefs. To tell her she has no right to constantly offer her "opinions" which are phrased as very very strong advice and she acts very offended if you don't take her "opinions". BUt it is, as usual, far more complex than that. :confused:

I guess I just needed to get this out to someone, somewhere. I'm not coping with them, and I don't know where to go and what to do. I told them I didn't like them repeating all their "opinions" over and over again, and they said, "so you are willing to force Peter to remove himself from his parents because we repeat something three times?". It is not that simplistic, though they pretend it is.

How do i get across that is not just their "opinion"? That sometimes it's not OK to express your "opinion"? Because they say that in families you should always feel free to express your opinion Eg: "you should move that painting because it doesn't match your decor" (PUHLEAAASE!), I don't like the colour of your sofa, your table is in the wrong position. :mad:

When does it stop being an opinion?

Any advice would be welcome. I don't feel it is simply an "opinion" but I don't know what to tell them to get them to see that. I don't really know how to say it all to them coherently...

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

It's just tearing me inside.

[Rockett]

Hi Laetitia

I'm sorry,I'm no good at offering advice,but just wanted to say I hope you find a way to get through this.
I'm thinking of you.Good luck with whatever you decide to do.:)

[draught]

I don't have any answers either but wanted to wish you luck.

I do have some advice thought (not an answer) - maybe a good way to go in is to write down what it is that you want to say - and include good things too - so that you don't get sidetracked by their comebacks. Have a couple of clear points that you need to get across and work out what is important to achieve. Maybe you could include how it makes you feel when they constantly offer opinions - tell them that you feel belittled etc. They will probably (hopefully) be horrified that they make you feel so bad and it might make them realise that they need to approach their communication with you in a different way.

Good on your Dh for sticking by you - many of them don't when it comes to the MIL.

[tickle]

Wow, she sounds like the mother from Everybody Loves Raymond only 10 times worse.
I'm sorry you have to put up with this, as well as everything else on your plate. I think Theresa has given you some great advice. It is so hard with family, because they are just that, family.
I hope it gets better for you soon!:)

Don't know if this will make you feel any better but.....
Think of it this way, my Nana sounds just like your MIL, except she is also spiteful and very mean. And now she LIVES with my mum and dad!! :eek:
It could always be worse!!

[moonblossom]

Oh wouldnt we all love mother in laws like this (Puke)

I've had two such mother in laws...I too felt ill and out of control around them, I was made to feel inferior and dumb.

My reactioin to this after many years was F*** OFF. Harsh? Yes maybe. I didnt go to see her, I didnt phone her and I would ignore all her efforts at trying to contact me. Things had to change or I knew my children would think this behaviour was Ok? and it SO wasnt.

You may think I was mean because she didnt see the kids for quite some weeks, but thankfully she FINALLY got it. Even though things were strained for a while, at least I wasnt being degraded. She holds her tongue and I've learned to voice my opinion. We came to a mutually satisfying respect.

May not work for all, there are some major stubborn mother in laws out there, but hey...who has the most to lose?

[cosmic]

Laetitia, I can imagine how you must be feeling. I had a boyfriend once whose mother was a complete b*tch and it was very hard to stand up to her (I was very young at the time which didn't help).

My only advice would be to go in prepared - because you can bet she will be. I think the key is to be very clear about what YOU want out of the conversation.
* What outcome will you be satifisfied with?
* What are your objectives?

When you have a list of objectives to achieve, it is much easier to not get sidetracked and you are less likely to come away feeling like you've been railroaded or the opportunity has been wasted. If it goes off on a tangent, or irrelevant issues get brought up (emotional blackmail) you just keep bringing the conversation back to the point.

And if you feel like you'll be squashed, make sure your hubby is in agreement with your objectives so he can do the talking for you. ;) If he takes the lead, it might be easier for you to offer support from behind, rather than the other way around.

You'll be fine. It's a great opportunity for you. Visualise yourself coming away from the conversation feeling relieved and satisfied with how well it went. :)

[xkwzit]

Hi Aleksander'sMum

You poor thing - this must be a bit horrific for you to know well in advance that the confrontation is coming. But at least you can use the time to prepare. I don't have much advice (although for many years I was convinced my FIL thought I was a complete fool - but now I'm know that's just the way he talks to everyone:D ), but had one idea.

You need to tell than what they do that upsets you so much and tell them how it makes you feel. The old "when you tell me XXXX it makes me feel YYYY". I think Draught has a good idea to write it all down so it comes out right and you don't forget important things.

It is completely reasonable to ask them to stop commenting on your decor, its NOT important to them (they don't have to live there) and it makes you feel awful.
It is OK for you to ask them not to tell all and sundry that your son has "terrible" nappy rash.

Hopefully, if they're reasonable ppl they will respect your wishes. If not, you'll have to start calling them on it when they do it to you and/or its an excuse not to see them as often. Life is too short to hang with ppl who pull you down. Surround yourself with ppl who build you up. (you could even tell them that, ask them to be positive, rather than a negative influence in your life).

Cheers

[Crazy Monkey]

Hi Aleksander's Mum

Don't really have any advice that you haven't already got from the other posts in this thread... Just remember to keep your head up and get your point across, and also know that your DH is on your side...

Your family (DH, DS & You) is what is important... Do whatever you need to to make yourselves happy...

I guess these MIL stories are things we should remember NOT to do when our babies grow up and get married...

All the best

[aidan's_my_boy]

You did the right thing. If you didn't boil over now, it would've happened on christmas day, or some other family event.
Just lay it straight and use examples of things she says to you, and how that comment makes you feel.
Turn it around on her and ask how she would feel if it happened to her.
Don't give in about your grandparents anniversary! Tell them that they have the opportunity to see your son whenever, but to go down south takes weeks to organise.
My dad makes feel exactly like that. I'm 21, my partner is 21 and we got pregnant really early in our relationship.
When we're at his house and I pick up Aidan when he cries, "Oh, you're babying him. He won't be good if you keep picking him up" "He's got you wrapped around his little finger."
Nothing I do ever seems right.
I feel like crap most of the time we're there. What makes it worse is he's my step dad who met my mum when i was 5 and my brother was 7.
I asked one night recently when he kept berrating me, "What would you know about bringing up babies? You've never had any."
Yeah he was injured, but try being a new mum and feeling like you're incapeable of raisingyour own child!
Well, thats my biff

[wattle]

There is some good advice there, I'd just add that if you can try not to be too emotional it will probably help. It's so hard when you're frustrated and fed up (and having PND would make it even worse for you).

Sometimes I find it helpful to say something like "It upsets me when you .....(whatever it is) because I feel ...... (however you feel).

Eg: It upsets me when you comment on the way I choose to decorate. It makes me feel like my ideas aren't important. Can you understand how your comments made me feel that way?

[reAllytee]

Geees i wish i could answer it all for you but if i could then my probs would be solved also yet again i feel like you have written a lot about me & my MIL.
***HUGS***
Try not to let her upset you too much & as wattle said thats hard when you have PND but its not worth letting yourself cry over someone like that & i have learnt that everytime i cry over my MIL i give her more power.
Just try to hang in there & also as wattle said dont be aggressive in your stance make statements about how she makes you feel because if you attack by saying the likes of " your always nasty " etc it will only make things worse its better to say " i feel sometimes you say things i find inappropriate " etc.
Hope im making sense damn mushy brains !

p.s - tell her she wont want to see my house either i have the one main wall in my dining room painted with squares of blackboard paint big & small randomly so we can write new sayings when we are bored etc plus we now have one lower for when bubs wants to draw & then we frames in between if this makes sense of my partners photography ( he likes trains btw hehe typical male :rolleyes: , my paintings which are rather abstract, family photos & anything else that takes my fancy. Tell her its the new "in" thing hahahah or say "oh its sooo vogue didnt you know its the big thing atm in Italy or Paris LOL"

[Jaileth]

Hi Aleksander's Mum,

My mil is also one of these people who don't think that you've heard them the first thrity times. And when you're stressed, it only makes it worse.

When we were moving, and she kept telling me 'only take what you need,' and 'sort it now so you don't have to later,' amongst others - I lost it. I completly blew up at her and told her I wasn't an idiot - I'd heard her the first time and that was what I was doing and I was quite capable of thinking for myself, thank you very much!

Since then, she does seem to think (occasionally) before she talks, but she still tells you the same thing over and over. It's just who she is - and now I can see that she does it to everyone. But (for the moment) I can let it slide. I actually just sit back and laugh after she's gone, or try to keep a mental tally of how many times she's said the same thing, and then I'll go out and eat that many tim tams or chocolate squares or whatever.

Try not to give in to emotional blackmail. And remember, not everyone realizes that they are doing, so if, when you go to talk to her, she starts it again, point it out - but I think allyoo has a great point - don't be aggressive about it and scream at her 'you're doing it again you stupid cow!!!' just say something like - 'What you are doing now is an example what I feel is emotional blackmail and it makes me feel....(belittled, like ripping your head off - well maybe don't say that one;) )'

Good luck. Family is so hard to deal with. And good on your dh for sticking up for you!! Let us know how it goes!

[xkwzit]

Hey Laetitia

How did it go? I'm thinking of you today ...

Update us when you're able

Cheers

[Milly]

Hey there!

Just want to let you know that you have my support. I hope that all went well with it. Gosh, she sounds like a real opinionated so and so:mad: . I also have a controlling MIL, but I think that yours makes mine look almost pleasant (almost:D ). I wish you every success with the chat and most importantly, get your partner on side. He is the primary child and he needs to do the talking really on you as a couple behalf given that he is their child. Also make a point of using 'we' so that you are not attributed with having the issues with them etc..

Oh, and here is a great link about 'Managing Your In Laws' from the old Dr Phil:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/28
It is something your husband should read too and is a great starter piece with dealing with them. You need to be on the same page when dealing with in-laws and his support is vital.

Wishing you all the very best!

[Lucybelle]

OMG, this woman sucks, she knows what she is doing too, I wouldn't bother with the "I" statements, or letting her know how you feel.

this would be me next time she voiced ANOTHER opinion - "have you ever had a thought you DIDN'T vocalise?"

and this when she went the "i'm a bad grandmother/MIL etc" - yes, you are a bit crap really.

Hit her head on, she is relying on your dislike of confrontation. You don't have to sink to her level. Hey she may have all the degrees in the world but it certainly doesn;t make her any happier if she feels the need to constantly bully you.

How the hell you are coping with PND and this cow is beyond me.

I hope you find an answer soon.