Even though separated,do you still consider your ex, children and you as a family?

[SweetSerenity]

My ex said to me yesterday on msn (we were discussing outings with peter) that we're a family and we still should do family things together for Peters sake.

I wrote back saying that no, we're not a family anymore. Peter is my family, Peter is his family, but us as a three are not.

He disagrees.

He wrote me a message saying that regardless of what i think and say he will always consider us a family as we created a family.

I totally disagree... when we were a "family" we were never being a proper loving family, he was so self centred in our marriage and as a father and now that we're separated, he is most definately not family to me.

I will always respect that he's Peters father and his family, but us three will never be a family.

Family means this:

a. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.

b. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.

2. All the members of a household under one roof.

3. A group of persons sharing common ancestry.

4. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.


Family, to me, is also people who you love, care about, are always there for and rely on each other through good and bad times, and my ex doesnt fall in the category.

It has kind of annoyed me how he can just throw that word around and think we're family when he has no idea how to be a part of a family.

What are your thoughts?

Do you still consider you, your ex and children a family??:detective:

[Snuffys Mum]

I wouldn't even use my ex's name and the word family in the same sentence. My situation is different in that he's not present at all but even if he were in ds's life, I still wouldn't class the three of us as a 'family'.

I do however, still concider HIS family to be my family as they constantly show both ds and I a great deal of love and support.

[punkbaby]

My ex (dd9's dad) he tries to be all family oriented etc but when his mum is around or there during access visits etc he treats me like ****! I dont see him as family, i see him as dds dad, not that he had anything to do with her till she was 6. PLUS i am married now with two more kids and another on the way, i really dont think its appropriate to be part of his family! I am over the whole playing it sweet t just shut my mouth let dd go with him and act all happy so she doesnt feel it. Plus if he sais we are family LOL how come he like sees her twice a year and rings 3 times a year...go figure hey?

Some exs can have a happy relationship and act like they are family but there is too much hurt for me to even consider that with dds father.

Funny how things like that are said when they arent really part of your life!

[SweetSerenity]

Funny how things like that are said when they arent really part of your life!

Exactly:yes:

My ex when he had us, we were married, living on our own, but he still chose to do his boy things with his mates than doing things with us as a "family"....

Now that DS and I are no longer with him, he all of a sudden wants to do family outings for peters sake and be a good father and call us his family.

I appreciate if he wants to be a better father (not that i think the act will last long) but to want to do family things... he had over 2 years to be a family with us and he wasnt...

[Nickster]

Gosh no, Nat! He isn't family - not in the strict sense of the words. You will always be "involved" (for want of a better word), because of Peter, but that doesn't make the three of you a "family".

You are, however, both his parents, and as such need to work together for Peter's sake (I know you know this LOL) but it's not quite the same, is it?

Maybe he'll change his tune if he ever finds someone else to have a "family" with...:rolleyes:

I'd certainly feel a little creepy if my DH still referred to his ex-wife as "family".

[SweetSerenity]

I'd certainly feel a little creepy if my DH still referred to his ex-wife as "family".

LOL:laughing: you make me laugh.

well thats it... one day i may have a new partner and more children, they will be my family as goes for him too.

I always want peter to be classed as family to him but not us three as a unit.:no:

[she_rambles]

Frankly I find it hard to even associate my son's father as being ... well, his father. He ran off before my son was even born (he knew I was pregnant and he knew the due date ... he didn't even have the guts to tell me he was leaving, just made up a story about his sister being sick so he needed to go visit her, and that was the last time I ever saw him - in fact I guess officially we're still engaged, as he never called it off, never told me we were breaking up - just disappeared!).

If he suddenly turned up trying to suggest we're still a family and he has a right to see his son, I'd be like, hell no you don't! Wasn't there for the birth, didn't contact me before or after the birth, hasn't done a single thing to contribute financially ... he's barely even my son's father, never mind part of my family. I have a photo of him and I while I was pregnant in a photo frame in my son's room, which I put there when I was still pregnant because I think my son has a right to know what his father looked like (his father was Brazilian/Japanese and pretty unique looking, and my son has totally taken after him) ... but the more time that passes, the more strange it seems to have a photo of this complete stranger in my son's bedroom.

[Jessie Wood]

im no longer wif ma baby daddy.. but i still class him as our family. We have remained very good friends. We have known each other since we were 15 and had been tagether for 6 years almost! We have a very close bond, even though dere are otha peeps in our lives, we have an amazin friendship. We are always doin family outings... and he cums ova almost every nite ta tuck his lil gal in! Not ta mention i live wif his parents!! When yo have been with sumone for so long.. its so hard ta just throw wat you have shared away.. ta me it felt as if we meant nuffin if i was ta do that!! And he felt tha same. Sumtimes i forget we aint tagetha.. we that close! I could have neva just walked away and said ' we aint family, you and yo daughter are, and myself and my daughter are. We were as one but not nah mo". That would have broken me, and im sure he would have kicked my *** for saying that ta! Im not goin ta say it didnt hurt when he walked away.. nor that it didnt hurt when he got a new gal. But nah matta what, we are always family! May change my mind when i find sumone ta settle down wif.. but for now. We, tha 3 of us are family, just as family as ta day we found out we were goin ta be one!! And as for tha his family.. i could have neva cut dem out of our lives.. His parents are like ma own!! I think it all depends on you.. and how your feeling. Ta if you still feel he deserves tha rite ta be FAMILY!!:yes:

[EskimoMumma]

GOing by you and the ex's history. I wouldnt agree with him. I would also suggest you guys avoid outings at this stage until you are both well and truely over each other's feelings.

By all means, do family outings, but only in Peter's eyes are you and your ex family. For you, your family is peter, for him, his family is peter. KWIM?

Best of luck.

[Ana Gram]

I still have to live with my ex and am still financially dependent on him. Not fun I can tell you. If we manage to stay friends (the way things are going, not likely at this stage), then we will still have outings with Ruby. But we aren't a family.

[munchkin05]

you know whats funny when i went to mediation i had to answer a question saying " do i still feel part of the family " i was like what the my family is ben and i

to me a family is always there for each other good times and bad
not running away and not dealing with things
as i said to the ex on the weekend the only good thing hes done was donate his sperm hes bens father not his dad

so no i dont class him as my family

my family is me and ben and thats the best family :thumbsup:

[Dadandtwo]

I kinda see my ex and the kids as a 'family' still...strange actually thinking about it though. My ex and I sometimes do things together with the kids, although a lot less than we used to. We don't want to confuse the kids...and I can't stand being around the ex, so we don't do much these days. I'd prefer it that way for the benefit of the kids. These days it's more a case of 'double celebration' ie easter will be easter eggs at mum's house, then the same at my house. The only time I would like to be together as a 'family' is at birthdays, which is what we already do.

[Little Gorilla]

I don't really see it as you & him still being family....but from a kids point of view...maybe they would iykwim???

I have always encouraged my DP to spend "family" time with his ex and their daughter - she deserves this...she deserves to do things with her mum and dad....no matter what "bad blood" might be between them....so I suppose to DP's daughter...they are a little family when they are together.

[OneBabyBoy]

I consider DS and I to be our own little family. DS is the ex's family too but we are not a family together.

My ex used to say we are still a family even though I don't think we are at all. I knew he would change his tune as soon as he met someone and I was right. He sees DS even less than before now and he doesn't even pretend to be friendly to me anymore, let alone be "a family".

[Jessie Wood]

I knew he would change his tune as soon as he met someone and I was right.
I was so scared that was going to happen to me and my daughter. But it didnt. We spend just as much time together as we did before she come along. My ex was good in the way he knew how much family meant to me.. so anything to do with either families.. we do it together. Which must suck for his girl. Cos she has only meet half his family once in the whole year they have been togther!! So yay for me and not so good for her. Im just scared that when i have a new boi.. that im going to want to cut him out. Not completly. But to make room for the new one!! And thats not fair.. since his been so good to me :no: It must be hard to have a balance.. i only now see that!!

[Mummaof2]

Hi Nat,

I was just reading your thread and thought OMG you must be inside my head.

Our ex's must have both been made from the same mould as he is exactly the same. He put his work, friends and colleagues before me and the kids while we were married but expects to still be able to do family things together now we are separated but yet he couldnt do family things with us when we were together. And he said the same thing that we will always be his family.

DS will always be his family and its up to DD if she still wants to be part of his family (DD is from a relationship when i was younger) and I am definately not part of his family.

[SamanthaJane]

Yep i do. And Charlotte's dad does too. We are very close. We fight like crazy, but we still are very much best friends. We care for each other and so we believe we are still a family.

Every situation is different tho, and if you don't think your a family, then your not :no:

I do wonder what will happen when we meet other people though.... if we ever do... lol :D