nats
25-03-2007, 12:58
This is a belated birth story of James' birth by caesarean. I haven't written it previously because I was to keen to gloss over it - censor the truth (and who wants to hear about a poop out labour anyway)
But here it is, never the less. The honest balls 'n' all account of guilt, joy, of shameful unreserved drug use, of relief at the dreadful end....
.....this is the worst and best day of my life.
4th Oct '06 - sunrise
I get up before the sun does, once again disappointed because another night saw me through with out going into labour (I'm 7 days overdue) However I'm sure today is the day I will meet my baby - will discuss induction at midwife clinic ( induction HA! I naively think it's that easy)
I heave myself out of bed and waddle to the toilet. Just as I reach the tiles my membranes break! I was right! I meet my baby today!
To the hospital
The short trip down Windsor Rd is bumpy. A fact exagerated through every contraction.
DH yells impatiently at every car, bus, cat and dog in view. I'm ready to put his head through the windscreen!!!!!
At the hospital - 7am
The midwife is skeptical that my waters broke (she seems to think I wee'd myself :rolleyes: and I feel abit deflatted)
But I have lost the ability to talk through contraction - It's a sign of progress so into the birth suite I go. DH remarks that we will be out of there by lunch time and I'm keen to agree.
How wrong I was..............
In the birth suite
The new maternity ward at Westmead is under construction. The old intensive care unit is the temporary labour ward but I'm not here to marvel at my surroundings. As soon as I see the bed I climb up on it. I kneel on it and, facing the upward bit, hang myself over it and grip tight. The bed immediatley becomes a safe haven for me which I am afraid to move away from.
The contractions come often, I think to myself and at first I ride them out but at some point I decide that when the midwife comes back in I'm going to ask for pain relief - after all, I'm in pain! I reason to myself.
I know the option is there and I think I need it so ask for pethadine. She snaps at me! "we don't give pethadine here" Well I don't know what the bl00dy difference is! Just bring some relief!!
I feel rotten for caving in. I'm convinced that birth is just aroung the corner and the pain couldn't get any worse
That couldn't be further from the truth...
The pain of labour
Good grief!!! The pain of labour! Not so overwhelming physically as it was mentally. That all-consuming pain that took away my power to spaek and move and think. In my mind that point in labour was like grappling to keep my neck above water and then every contraction I was forced to face head on like a train was trudling toward me at great speed, ready to engulf me under it's enormous, steely mass and devour with it's crazy, pumping wheels - and I had to stand before it waiting for impact - no where to hide, over and over and over again. It was the ground hog day of death by train collision.
At some point I asked for gas. Gas was a punishment only slightly lesser than the labour itself. Soon when I shut my eyes to clamp down with every contraction my vision filled with swirling colours and the voices of the midwives, coming in and out of the room, seemed to bounce and echo. The pain is tremendous and unbearable. I dare not move off the bed though i've been on my knees forever. The morphine I had is wearing off. Although it didn't touch my pain when I got it, I felt every second of it wearing off. I request more of it (for this second shot I feel like an utter failure but i have put the wheels in motion by requesting it to begin with. Actually I had focused so much on the pain of labour that I almost missed out on the beauty of it) The gas is already on full (so much so I nearly pass out)
I think I am in the worst pain imaginable. I don't know why I think drugs will make it go away?! I want to go home. I want to pontpone this pain for a while!
In the little time between each contraction I am vagually aware of my surroundings - of what I can hear. There are women labouring in the other suites. I can hear one of them screaming insanely (crowning?? :eek:)
I often hear what I think are babies crying but then I'm not sure if it is the labouring women moaning. During one of the contractions, through a hallucination, I think it could be me :confused:
In between contractions I can hear the anaesthetist being paged by the midwives - "Epidural to the front desk, epidural to the front desk".... It happens more than once so I'm sure I'm not imagining it. Other women are getting relief!! Sweet, sweet oblivion from this horrid pain!
I look at DH and thank him again for the back rub. He is looking tired andnow I get concerned for his feelings. He's responding with the rubbing slower and slower each contraction and I suspect I see him once rolling his eyes.
But I can handle the pain yet!! I can take more. I can stay on top of it (thinking at the time that being in control was the solution)
I begin to think about the frightening enevitability of crowning. I tell myself it wont be long now and I can hack it - With labour so far done I could handle it...
But I hadn't been tested yet AT ALL!!!
Labour then goes into over drive - NOW the test begins. Now I will find out what I'm made of!!!
Transition
I don't know if it was the frequency of the contractions or the complete and utter mind **** - I was sure, I was confident and the then the light at the end of my tunnel had retracted so swiftly from veiw I am plunged suddenly and disorientatingly into irrefutable darkness and greater pain. I haven't been dragged kicking and screaming away from any optimism I had simply sudddenly been dumped on by unrelenting, exruciating pain to a degree so far unimaginable.
As my body was ploughed down by every screaming contraction my mind launched into this unfolding epiphany. My doubt and my resolve were at odds and , somewhere agongst that and the pain I thought, for a moment I had a glimpse at God ?!?
Like I was catching the corner of the idea of the circle of life and the notion of it was glorious and inspiring and it overwhelmed me with emotion....
Then came the doubt. :no:
With it my mind came crashing back to reality. Nasty Doubting Thomas emerged from his spot lurking in the back of my mind all labour, to suggest that the beautiful vision I had just had was a mere hallucination from the gas.
I became once again aware of the bleak gravity of it all. DH was tired, I was tired and the other women were resting with aneasthesia in their spines. My resolve was broken..... I requested and epidural :-C
In my mind that was the end of my labour although there was, in fact, many more hours of waiting for the anaesthestia to wear off, pushing fruitlessly and waiting to go into theatre. I was both disappointed and releived when a c-section was suggested. I would soon meet my baby and complete releif was on it's way.
The birth : the happiest moment of my life
Being in theatre was an enlivening experience away from the dim-lit birth suite and into the bright lights.
DH sat by my side tentatively waiting to meet our baby. A Dr breifly told me what to expect - tugging and pulling. A feeling so unusual I can't describe it. Within a minute my baby was delivered. DH stood to witness the moment and announced "It's a boy"
I heard it in his voice - the bond was instantaneous!
Then he announced "Look, there bringing him!" And I knew they would carry him past me. Far a moment I was too scared to look! A boy?! MY SON!!! He was HERE! Irreversibly, undeniably here!!! I forced myself to look up just in time to see the little blue-grey ball (HIM!!!) come sailing past me in the hands of the midwife. DH promptly followed his boy over and meanwhile i layed on the slab taking in what had happened.
I enjoyed a brief moment with my boy, watching him blink and take in light for the first time in his life, before he and DH left and I got stitched up. I just took in the happiest minute of my life - 9:37pm Wednesday 4th October 2006
I wont go into the feelings of self-doubt/disgust/pity the proceed an unwanted c/s but needless to say there has been much.
Today however I couldn't be happier. I'm so in love with my husband and my little boy I couldn't endevour to describe it.
This has been James' birth story. Good and bad, it is our story of his birth and I don't have another for him..... and I wouldn't wish for another anyway! It is the best and worst memory I have.
Here is James just born (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o128/nats_017/JamesJustBorn.jpg)
Added 13th August, 2007
In hindsight - my lesson (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?p=1792668#post1792668) << link
But here it is, never the less. The honest balls 'n' all account of guilt, joy, of shameful unreserved drug use, of relief at the dreadful end....
.....this is the worst and best day of my life.
4th Oct '06 - sunrise
I get up before the sun does, once again disappointed because another night saw me through with out going into labour (I'm 7 days overdue) However I'm sure today is the day I will meet my baby - will discuss induction at midwife clinic ( induction HA! I naively think it's that easy)
I heave myself out of bed and waddle to the toilet. Just as I reach the tiles my membranes break! I was right! I meet my baby today!
To the hospital
The short trip down Windsor Rd is bumpy. A fact exagerated through every contraction.
DH yells impatiently at every car, bus, cat and dog in view. I'm ready to put his head through the windscreen!!!!!
At the hospital - 7am
The midwife is skeptical that my waters broke (she seems to think I wee'd myself :rolleyes: and I feel abit deflatted)
But I have lost the ability to talk through contraction - It's a sign of progress so into the birth suite I go. DH remarks that we will be out of there by lunch time and I'm keen to agree.
How wrong I was..............
In the birth suite
The new maternity ward at Westmead is under construction. The old intensive care unit is the temporary labour ward but I'm not here to marvel at my surroundings. As soon as I see the bed I climb up on it. I kneel on it and, facing the upward bit, hang myself over it and grip tight. The bed immediatley becomes a safe haven for me which I am afraid to move away from.
The contractions come often, I think to myself and at first I ride them out but at some point I decide that when the midwife comes back in I'm going to ask for pain relief - after all, I'm in pain! I reason to myself.
I know the option is there and I think I need it so ask for pethadine. She snaps at me! "we don't give pethadine here" Well I don't know what the bl00dy difference is! Just bring some relief!!
I feel rotten for caving in. I'm convinced that birth is just aroung the corner and the pain couldn't get any worse
That couldn't be further from the truth...
The pain of labour
Good grief!!! The pain of labour! Not so overwhelming physically as it was mentally. That all-consuming pain that took away my power to spaek and move and think. In my mind that point in labour was like grappling to keep my neck above water and then every contraction I was forced to face head on like a train was trudling toward me at great speed, ready to engulf me under it's enormous, steely mass and devour with it's crazy, pumping wheels - and I had to stand before it waiting for impact - no where to hide, over and over and over again. It was the ground hog day of death by train collision.
At some point I asked for gas. Gas was a punishment only slightly lesser than the labour itself. Soon when I shut my eyes to clamp down with every contraction my vision filled with swirling colours and the voices of the midwives, coming in and out of the room, seemed to bounce and echo. The pain is tremendous and unbearable. I dare not move off the bed though i've been on my knees forever. The morphine I had is wearing off. Although it didn't touch my pain when I got it, I felt every second of it wearing off. I request more of it (for this second shot I feel like an utter failure but i have put the wheels in motion by requesting it to begin with. Actually I had focused so much on the pain of labour that I almost missed out on the beauty of it) The gas is already on full (so much so I nearly pass out)
I think I am in the worst pain imaginable. I don't know why I think drugs will make it go away?! I want to go home. I want to pontpone this pain for a while!
In the little time between each contraction I am vagually aware of my surroundings - of what I can hear. There are women labouring in the other suites. I can hear one of them screaming insanely (crowning?? :eek:)
I often hear what I think are babies crying but then I'm not sure if it is the labouring women moaning. During one of the contractions, through a hallucination, I think it could be me :confused:
In between contractions I can hear the anaesthetist being paged by the midwives - "Epidural to the front desk, epidural to the front desk".... It happens more than once so I'm sure I'm not imagining it. Other women are getting relief!! Sweet, sweet oblivion from this horrid pain!
I look at DH and thank him again for the back rub. He is looking tired andnow I get concerned for his feelings. He's responding with the rubbing slower and slower each contraction and I suspect I see him once rolling his eyes.
But I can handle the pain yet!! I can take more. I can stay on top of it (thinking at the time that being in control was the solution)
I begin to think about the frightening enevitability of crowning. I tell myself it wont be long now and I can hack it - With labour so far done I could handle it...
But I hadn't been tested yet AT ALL!!!
Labour then goes into over drive - NOW the test begins. Now I will find out what I'm made of!!!
Transition
I don't know if it was the frequency of the contractions or the complete and utter mind **** - I was sure, I was confident and the then the light at the end of my tunnel had retracted so swiftly from veiw I am plunged suddenly and disorientatingly into irrefutable darkness and greater pain. I haven't been dragged kicking and screaming away from any optimism I had simply sudddenly been dumped on by unrelenting, exruciating pain to a degree so far unimaginable.
As my body was ploughed down by every screaming contraction my mind launched into this unfolding epiphany. My doubt and my resolve were at odds and , somewhere agongst that and the pain I thought, for a moment I had a glimpse at God ?!?
Like I was catching the corner of the idea of the circle of life and the notion of it was glorious and inspiring and it overwhelmed me with emotion....
Then came the doubt. :no:
With it my mind came crashing back to reality. Nasty Doubting Thomas emerged from his spot lurking in the back of my mind all labour, to suggest that the beautiful vision I had just had was a mere hallucination from the gas.
I became once again aware of the bleak gravity of it all. DH was tired, I was tired and the other women were resting with aneasthesia in their spines. My resolve was broken..... I requested and epidural :-C
In my mind that was the end of my labour although there was, in fact, many more hours of waiting for the anaesthestia to wear off, pushing fruitlessly and waiting to go into theatre. I was both disappointed and releived when a c-section was suggested. I would soon meet my baby and complete releif was on it's way.
The birth : the happiest moment of my life
Being in theatre was an enlivening experience away from the dim-lit birth suite and into the bright lights.
DH sat by my side tentatively waiting to meet our baby. A Dr breifly told me what to expect - tugging and pulling. A feeling so unusual I can't describe it. Within a minute my baby was delivered. DH stood to witness the moment and announced "It's a boy"
I heard it in his voice - the bond was instantaneous!
Then he announced "Look, there bringing him!" And I knew they would carry him past me. Far a moment I was too scared to look! A boy?! MY SON!!! He was HERE! Irreversibly, undeniably here!!! I forced myself to look up just in time to see the little blue-grey ball (HIM!!!) come sailing past me in the hands of the midwife. DH promptly followed his boy over and meanwhile i layed on the slab taking in what had happened.
I enjoyed a brief moment with my boy, watching him blink and take in light for the first time in his life, before he and DH left and I got stitched up. I just took in the happiest minute of my life - 9:37pm Wednesday 4th October 2006
I wont go into the feelings of self-doubt/disgust/pity the proceed an unwanted c/s but needless to say there has been much.
Today however I couldn't be happier. I'm so in love with my husband and my little boy I couldn't endevour to describe it.
This has been James' birth story. Good and bad, it is our story of his birth and I don't have another for him..... and I wouldn't wish for another anyway! It is the best and worst memory I have.
Here is James just born (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o128/nats_017/JamesJustBorn.jpg)
Added 13th August, 2007
In hindsight - my lesson (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?p=1792668#post1792668) << link