In-laws want DS overnight!

[Notchalk]

Help!

I get that sinking feeling in my stomach :barf: everytime the conversation turns to this - My husband's mother is always saying things like, "you'll have to get off the boob so you can come and stay with nanna"... ALL THE TIME. My son is 22 months, and although he can get to sleep at night without me ( I do late shifts once or twice a week, and he goes to sleep fine without me) overnight he still breastfeeds once or twice (often more) and if it's not me who goes to him he just cries out "mum! mumma!" until I take over from my husband. He then sleeps the rest of the night in our bed.

My view is that he is too young to have overnighters just yet. :no: He's not even 2. I don't see the big rush to have him stay at other people's houses, and it is different at night when it's a security thing, I think. I just feel that it isn't fair on DS - until he can actually understand what it means to not have access to me overnight, and not just say "yes" when the question is asked of him, "do you want to come and sleep at nanna's?" I don't think he should be put in that situation. Yes it would be lovely to have a whole night without him just once knowing he wasn't going to wake any minute, or claw at my tshirt in the middle of the night saying, "Milk please"... but that time will come when HE is ready. ... won't it?

The trouble is my husband is saying that we'll have to agree to disagree, and he wants to go to their place for the easter weekend while I am doing 3 evening shifts in a row. My boobs would explode, and I dont' think it's fair to suddenly deny him my comfort, milk and security. Not when it isn't necessary.

I obviously posted in here to get some support, but seriously if you want to tell me to get over it and just let him go, go for it. I just might not reply ;)

Thanks :)

Jo

[oleander]

I think it's extremely rude of her to suggest you take your DS of the boob so h can stay overnight at her house. It's not her decision and she should be ashamed of herself for thinking such a selfish thing.

Your the parent and you obviously don't want him to go sa just simply say no to her. Tell her you'll think about it when he's older, to give her a bit of hope.

[EskimoMumma]

:hugs: I get teh same from my MIL. I've agreed, and now DD1 is clingier then ever. And I too want to :barf: everytime the subject comes up that she wants the girls.

(She watches my SILs kids ALL the time)

I know she can handle it and do a good job. But the girls do not need to be away from me and I do not need a break. I just need a cleaner and someone to give DP a kick up the **** to get his butt into gear.

You have every right to say no to your MIL. If she doesnt understand it well tough. If she wants to spend time with your DS and your comfortable with it, why not get her to stay overnight instead?

How dare she tell you to stop BF him so she can watch him. Even if it was meant to be lighthearted its still pretty darn selfish.

TEll her to get a puppy to keep herself busy.Then DS can have a playmate when hes older and your comfortable with having him stay there.

:cool:


(Sorry if i come across really rude/catty. I do not mean to)

[Beany]

It's bang out of order for people to place demands on your son - especially when he doesn't understand the full implications of what he is being pressured into agreeing with.

I really don't get this obsession in-laws have with wanting to take the grand kids for nights ... why? What exactly does it gain them? My mother-in-law was saying how they were thinking of taking my boy up to Coolangatta with them around his birthday. With them. No mention of me.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

They are our sons and we have every right to be there when they need us. WE NEED THEM! And there's nothing wrong with that!

[PunkyDiva]

My opinion is based on my own personal experience and I wouldn't let him stay over, ever, she sounds too needy/desperate for my liking and alarm bells ring in my head. But this is trust issues and only my opinion but I'll give you a :hugs: and :thumbsup: to go with your own gut instinct.
Maybe she can come stay the night at your home.

My youngest son is 12 and just went on school camp, I fretted the whole 3 days and as it turned out he had very little sleep and as a consequence suffered severe seizures Thursday and Friday, losing two days in his head and away from school.
Mums always know best.

[LilShenanigans]

My grandmother does this, I don't have in-laws thank **** lol

I always laughed it off... Said she'd could have DD for the night, but she's taking me as well.

My real concern is your DH, that would warrant me enough anger to kick him outta bed! :p

It simply bugs me for the fact your child is doing what he wants to do, and his father is choosing to disregard any of that for his mothers (or even his own) wishes!

I can honestly say that your son will wean himself all in good time. For DD it happened sooner then I wanted it to, but thats just how it is.

As eskimomumma pointed out for her own, her DD became more clingy.
My dd did this once when I went out for 5 hours and she was only awake for 2 of those hours!
Now though she is quite happy to be babysat by almost anyone and somedays doesn't take much notice when I come back lol

Anyway, I'd be dealing with your husband first. MIL doesn't matter, she can't do anything but suggest and get shot down, but your husband... whole other kettle of fish.

[Bumble]

I get the same thing from my own mum i am getting so sick of hearing that i need to cut the apron strings!The only time i have been away from either of my bubs is when i was in hospital having #2 and i missed her so much.
You know whats best for you kids and you don't worry what they thinkxx:thumbsup:

[Phoenix's Mum]

Maybe your best bet would be to give your MIL some information about extended breastfeeding, and also about baby-led weaning, and explain that this is your parenting choice. If you explain it in a casual but firm way she might 'get' what you are doing and understand why she can't have your son overnight. :idea: I wouldn't bombard her with AP books but some select excerpts about the benefits of above might help the situation.

Just like there is a difference between the ways my mum parented and the way I parent, once I've explained that our parenting choices are different, and we are happy with the way things are, she has accepted the choices I/we make and no longer questions them. (Altho having said that, it isn't breastfeeding we will ever have a problem with- she bf my younger sister till she was 4). Our main butting heads point is about co-sleeping and nonvaxing but she has learned to leave well alone and let us be. Perhaps your MIL might also reach this understanding?

Perhaps hubby too needs a gentle reminder about the way you parent your son and needs a conversation about being more supportive of you.:shame: He is the person parenting with you, and there needs to be a little more co-operation!!

:hugs:Hope it goes well!!

[mum33]

DP and i actually had a massive fight because his mother was pressuring him to let DS stay with her. she has been for quite a while before that and at the time this came up he was 12 months. i refused and it ended nastily between DP and i.

however my DS isnt breastfeed so it makes it easier for them to torment me. plus i let mum babysit overnight on occasion. its just that i have had bad experiences with the IL's in the past and i have trust issues with them and dont feel comfortable with lettin them babysit overnight.

i have let him stay overnight with them once though when DS was about 13 months, after much discussion with DP. but i wasnt that happy with the situation and not looking forward to doing it again and they have been annoying me to let them take him again :banghead:

but i can understand why the OP wouldnt want to let her IL's take her DS, i mean he is still being breastfeed. and its rude for her MIL t keep making comments about gettin off the boob so he can go stay over. i reckon it'll be too hard for you and your DS and should hold out for as long as possible. dont let your DH influence whether you let him stay overnight or not.

[~Kristin~]

HOW RUDE!!! He is your son, and you MIL should butt out!

I've had similar conversations starting with my MIL, and DD is only almost 6mths (WTF?!?). :eek:

She was saying that I should just express a few bottles and let them have her for a night, I nipped her in the butt real quick by saying that Bella won't take a bottle of EBM, she likes it fresh.

But the best thing was, MIL tried to put DD down for a nap and she ended up screaming until mummy came and gave her a cuddle and put her down :smiliedance: .

Muwahahahaha - :devil6: I win!!!!

[Trumpet]

The only grandparent my babies are allowed to stay overnight with is my mum as I know she will ring me if there is anything wrong or they are just not settling. Mind you it has only happened last weekend so DH & I could go away for our anniversary and I stressed the whole time and I only rang 4 times.

The Inlaws and my father & step mum will never have them overnight and only in an emergency during the day for a couple of hours.

You decide what is best for your bub and don't let anyone bully you into anything. I am happy with my DH in that respect as he leaves the decision up to me on who I want to look after our babies and respects my wishes.

[TreeFrog]

I really don't get this obsession in-laws have with wanting to take the grand kids for nights ... why? What exactly does it gain them?


Exactly:yes: ! I always say too "Who will this overnight visit benefit?" and with a child that young, then really, the only lot to benefit are the grandparents. At that age, the child does not fully understand why they have been left there for the night without mummy or daddy. If there is a reason (eg: mum has gone to have another baby, or there is a very important event/circumstance that requires such babysitting then the situation has a reason). But if it just to keep MIL happy, then it is not of any benefit to the child or the parent.

My MIL was one of those always asking for our children to go overnight. We kept saying "no, and we'll get back to you when she is old enough". Fortunatly she has delayed asking, as she has had my nephew overnight a few times (when he was 18 months and again at 22 months) and the novelty has worn off. She no longer asks. Thank goodness.

[OJandMe]

hmmm.

Well, I suppose it's different for everyone. We've left the boys overnight once, and we had both our mothers here for the night. They've never stayed overnight by themselves at either grandparents house. DH and I went out for one night for our anniversary in 2005, I think that's the last night we had without the boys.

Although, I suppose because I had the twins it was a different story as we used to seperate them for a day or two when they were younger just so DH and I could get some one-on-one bonding time with each of them, and DH took Jordan down to his Mum's for the weekend, while I had Ollie here.

I spose coz they aren't really waking at night it's not such an issue with us, and also coz we've had both our mothers stay with us for extended periods of time, the boys are quite comfortable being settled by them.

I agree, you shouldn't have to let your son stay overnight without either parent.... but it is DH's child too, and he might really want to have easter away with him. I think it's great that he feels confident enough with his parenting to feel like he could manage the weekend without you. That's a good thing! But if you don't feel comfortable with it, don't let yourself be pressured into it. Maybe you and DH should go away for a night and let your MIL watch DS in his OWN house first.

[Notchalk]

Ah thanks everyone for putting into words my feelings. I get along great with MIL usually, but I'm starting to dread seeing her now because it always makes me feel the same. It is hard with DH - it is his son, too. He just wants them to spend as much time with DS as possible... but I don't see the point of an overnighter without me there.

If it comes up again, I'll suggest THEY come HERE for an overnighter if they really must sleep in the same house as him. If I can't make it to their place for Easter, neither can DS.

Thanks :)

Jo

[damien's mum]

I think it's extremely rude of her to suggest you take your DS of the boob so h can stay overnight at her house. It's not her decision and she should be ashamed of herself for thinking such a selfish thing.

Your the parent and you obviously don't want him to go sa just simply say no to her. Tell her you'll think about it when he's older, to give her a bit of hope.

So true, i second everything you have said!

:hugs:

[JATS]

We don't agree with overnighters (until our kids are old enough to want to stay over at their mate's places, and only if we know the parents!) at all, unless it is completly necessary/can't be avoided for whatever reason.

When MIL hinted on having Tom stay with her I made that very clear to her, also that if we did leave him with anyone it wouldn't be her. (anyone who knows our history will understand that one)

[sueliz]

While I must admit I can sort of see why grandparents want to have their grandkids stay for an overnight stay to be able to have full access to them and spoil them rotten and spend more time with them, I totally agree with not allowing thhis to happen until you are ready and you feel your child is ready!
My parents would happily take my DS for a night as would my in-laws. My DS is 13mths and no longer bf but I still just could not have him stay anywhere overnight unless I was there. I am just not ready. I believe he would be fine - he loves seeing them and especially as he sees my parents more because they live around the corner and he just thinks they are the funniest best people in the world so I would have no doubt he would be fine staying with them overnight. I wouldn't be though - I would be on edge and anxious and wanting desperately to go and pick him up and bring him back home with me!!
You are 100% right in not wanting to go ahead with this because you feel neither you or your DS are ready for it. And good on you for sticking to your guns - that is sometimes very hard to do with grandparents! :)

[cheekypossum]

Oh yes I completely agree

I feel like....If I need help...I will ask.....unless I ask.....BUGGER OFF.

Definately no over nighters until Chloe can ask and wants to stay.

I have trouble with FIL....ALWAYS offering to babysit.....makes me sick to think of leaving chloe alone with him EVER.

Chloe is 7.5 months...the only person I will leave her alone with is MY mum. She knows how I like to do things and will ring me if she needs me.

I had a child to be apart of our family....not to have everyone babysit for me all the time IYKWIM

[stellarella]

There is no way DS will be staying at the IL's til he is AT LEAST 5!!!

The only person he will stay with before that would be MY mum, she raised us the same way I want to raise DS, and she encourages extended BFing (as I was BF til 2), and I know she loves him and would protect him just as much as she loves and protects me and my brother.

My MIL has laughed her head off when she sees DS crying, and I dont mean just whinging crying, but hysterical extremely upset crying. There is no way I would leave him in her care :no: :thumbsdown:

DS is still BF to sleep and I doubt I will ever want to leave him overnight til he self weans.

[TeamAwesome]

ok my situation is a bit different but my DS did stay a few nights with my INL's before he was two. one night for our anniversary when he was 7 months old and a few times when he was around 16- 17 months as I was due to give birth and just in case we had to take him while I was in labour and it went for a long time or something like that.
I don't see anything wrong in the sense of this sort of situation BUT by pushing you into it I don't agree with it. Go with your mother's instinct but do discuss why a bit better with your DH he needs to understand why, of course try to do it when you are both calm.

[Mum&bubs]

I can understand with how you are feeling! My MIL is constantly telling me to get my girls off the boob so they can stay with her over night. In my head I am thinking 'HELLLLLLL NOOOOO' It kinda gives me an excuse to keep on breastfeeding :laughing:

Tell your husband you just don't feel ready for your boy to have sleep overs just yet. Tell him there is plenty of time for that sort of thing when he is older and when you are comfortable with it.

Good luck! :)

[~Emmylou~]

You do it when you are ready :yes:

My DD just recently had her first overnighter with my mother - and then only because we had to attend a funeral out west and the drive was too long to take her with us.
Thankfully, even though my mum is very close to DD she never ever pushed me to do this before I was ready - even though she's probably been chomping at the bit to have her since the day she was born :laughing:
It all went perfectly, DD did just fine because she's stayed at my mums heaps of times with me and DH and she didn't worry at all.
But don't let anyone pressure you into it!

[Blueberry Crumble]

My DS has stayed a over DP house a few times and he is 11 months old. He loves it- and sleeps really well there.

My friend was in a similar situation as you- she breastfed and the baby would only go to her at night. Though, when in someone elses care, babies often act differently and my friends baby took a bottle through the night without fuss while he was there for the first time!!! She was surprised at how fine he was.

[Moern]

UGH! NO! evil people... thinking that their grandkids are theirs to do whatever with.....

[Notchalk]

UGH! NO! evil people... thinking that their grandkids are theirs to do whatever with.....

LOL thanks, Moern ;)

And thanks everyone for their opinions. I really appreciate it.

Jo

[MonkeyMum05]

My son is the same age as yours... and there is no way I would let him stay at the in-laws overnight... unless I was staying there too!

[gremily]

My dd1 is almost 9 and I still dread the thought of her staying alone at my IL's (fil is great, it's my mil that's the prob!).

Dd1 has had many a sleepover, from at least 2 (it's awhile ago so I can't remember exactly!) at my parents house. She went on school camp for 2 nights when she was 5. And she stays at friends houses every now and then.

I don't agree with my MIL's parenting which is the problem.


However, the way we behave also rubs off onto our children. So if they sense that we are uncomfortable with the situation then they're going to react the same. Once they get to school age we should be encouraging them to branch out and have the confidence to be apart for at least 1 or 2 nights.

Before school age they also need to gain confidence, but at least up to the age of 3 it is a very delicate developmental stage. What they learn in that time is crucial, and there is no way I would want my MIL ruining it all!


We now live 1500km away from both of our parents, so sleepovers aren't an issue with dd2!

Every child is different aswell. While my dd1 could have easily coped with an o/n at the age of 2, dd2 (almost 20mths) is no where near ready. Besides the fact she bf's 4-5 times/day (last bf at 7:30pm til 5am) she is not developmentally ready.

For my parents at least, having their granddaughter stay was a chance for them to bond. My dad said he wants to do things with dd1 (this is before dd2 was born) that he never did with myself and my brother - kind of like a 2nd chance to be the parent he wanted to be, iykwim.


Well, bit of a long post, sorry! I hope everything works out for the best, for you and your son, in the end:)

[lachys_mama]

omg my sis used to say "you need to get off the boob so i can have you overnight" to lachlan at like 4 months old!!! first of all i was like wtf hes 4 months old and then i was like hang on i haven't seen you in 3 1/2 years what makes you think i'm just gonna leave my child with you? i let my 11 month old go with ds overnight, this is because he loves to do it, he actually cries when i try to take him home!! (he gets to have almost complete no pants time at her place coz she has no carpet) and he absolutely loves dp's disabled sister, BUT i wouldn't do it if he wasn't having a positive reaction after each time, you just do what you feel you need to and don't let the others bully you at all *nod*

[lovingmotheract]

when i was reading your post i was thinking to my self that it's you that can't bear to be away from your child and i know how that can be as i'm the same.

and if my parents would take my child for the night (and she sleeps all night in her own bed)
i still would not want them to take her t all up to what you want and when bub is say 5 then whats the harm in that after all nan's and poppys are ment to give there grandchildren everything.

[OnceAMereHumanNowAMum]

Just jumping on the bandwagon, :ecomcity: even though you have heaps of replies (obviously a common issue!)

When I finally allowed myself to just say no, I stopped feeling sick over it.

He's our son. He's not the town pony, so not everybody will 'get a turn' :thumbsup:

[SalTheGal]

We have this a lot too- my mum and MIL are often saying - can't wait till he sleeps through without a feed so he can have a sleepover. However neither of them pressure.

We solve it like this:

We often visit and stay with both sets of grandies- and we set up DS's portacot in their room- that way they can feel like they have him for the night- but I am there close by if needed.

My mum loves having DS in her room he is a notoriously BAD sleeper- and it gives me a break, as soon as he is due for a feed she brings him into me and I feed him- then take him back and pop him down. On the occasions (and it does happen) that she can't resettle him and he needs a cuddle from his mummy- I get up and take over.:yes:

MIL did it once- but got a rude shock when she had to get up to him not less than 6 times through the night to resettle him- she hasn't offered since:laughing:

We are staying with the Inlaws over easter- and she commented to me the other night that there is no way she could cope with the lack of sleep like I do- her subtle way of telling me she doesn't want a bar of DS at night-time!!!

[Notchalk]

I honestly think that if DS was not breastfeeding and needing me over night, I would love the opportunity to let them help and have a sleep over every now and then. To have a sleep in myself would be divine. But it's not fair on him - until he can actually KNOW before hand what it means to agree to a sleep over there (over an hour away) then I'm sticking to my guns.

Jo

[OnceAMereHumanNowAMum]

Ah.. That's lovely Princess Niamh. I wish my relationship with my MIL was as good as yours.
:gloomy: