In Your 30s and having children

[motherhoodlmb]

Hi there,

I'm interested in hearing the thoughts of women who have had their first child/children after spending 12-15 years in the workforce - not only those who have a great career, but those who simply worked (like me - not ambitious, but worked in interesting fields).

My sister in law had much wanted (aren't they all!!) twins 7 months ago but is finding it tough going and fighting a bit with her husband and has been out twice without them since they were born.

Her husband plays golf every Saturday; needs to do the work socialising/client thing; etc, etc.

As you know, having kids - no matter how much they're wanted - is relentless. How much do you think the dad should be involved? I have VERY STRONG views on this, as in I believe parenting should be a shared experience and I think that the transition from being a person to a mum can be difficult but it can be very difficult for the husbands/partners to understand this. Got any tips on how to tell them. Also how to deal with this dilemma. I'm in a hurry, so I'm not sure if I've explained myself well enough :eek:

Ta. :)

[ozzysmum]

maybe if hubby is golfing every saturday he could have special daddytime every sunday and she could spend the day (or just part of it) doing stuff for HER, lunch with child-free friends, getting a massage, sitting in a room staring at the wall - whatever she needs? she needs HER time as much as he needs work/social time :yes: she will find hubby gets more involved as time goes on, as well - men seem to think we are the experts for the first year or so, but then once the kid(s) get more interactive they are way better at spending time with them - or at least, i know mine is!

[shed]

sounds like me. I am 37 and DP is 40.

I had planned to stay at home for two years and be a mum. I was very proud of this decision and happy that we were able to do it.

Seven months on and I was an emotional wreck, we were fighting a bit (not heaps, I was just very snappy) and one day I decided to rejoin the workforce, got the first job I applied for, found a spot with Family Daycare for bubby and went back to work.

Its been two weeks and peace reigns again in our house. It was instant. I am MUCH happier and everything is going great.

DP took a week off so I could start the job without stressing about bubby starting daycare at the same time. He stayed home with him and did everything.

Now I drop him off at daycare and DP picks him up at the end of the day.

Its half/half most of the way now.

[MariaO]

I have very strong views on this also, for myself and my family at least. I would have big issues with my husband playing golf every Saturday, and I have only one child. I definitely believe that it should be a shared resonsibility, for everyone's sake. I think that it is important for the Fathers to have extended kiddie time without Mother's involvement. I also think it is important to have shared Mammy/Daddy/children time.

For a good few months, my husband used to go out after work on Fridays for a few drinks with colleagues, or over to visit his cousin. I would then sometimes go out on Saturday evening, or have an afternoon with a friend on Saturday or Sunday. I think that every family will have a version that works for them. When one party is feeling tired and resentful then it is not working.

I am a bit unsure of the relevance of having worked for extended periods in the workforce in the OP, but I am almost certainly being a bit dim.

[charlen49]

Imust say i'm finding it very different the second time around.
I had my first child when i was 25 and single( i was single from the moment i conceived her by accident.......partner of 2 years decided he didnt want to play dad.a whole nother story). Anyhow i had to cope on my own . I had been acasual /temp teacher 5 years by that stage. I coped at home until she was about 17mths....i needed adult stimulation, money and time away from her. Up until that point it was basically me & her 24/7. So i put her in family daycare.....and never looked back. 10 years on ( and a few toads later and a lot of grief) i found a lovely man whom i have been with for 4 years. It was a mutual decision of love and the fact that i didnt have too many child bearing years left that we decided to have a baby. My man has been wonderful since day dot. He has helped me out every single day to make things easier for me. Gets up on weekend to do her morning feed and to give me a lay in- which i love. At this stage i am happy to be a stay at home mum because i want to and financially i am able to. Ask me again in ayear if i am still happy to stay home! Things are different ..i have a loving partner to help me on this journey. Valentine

[motherhoodlmb]

I am a bit unsure of the relevance of having worked for extended periods in the workforce in the OP, but I am almost certainly being a bit dim.

Actually you're not being dim, but I posted this in a hurry because I was going out, so I didn't explain myself properly. Then again, I'm not sure how to explain it but having worked for that long in the workforce and having been an extremely independent career/working woman, the transition from this to being a full time mother (and she intends not to go back to work until they're at least 4) is an immense one and she also feels guilty that she feels like this. I can't speak for someone who's in their teens or early 20s who have kids - I just wanted to get the opinions of people in a similar situation.

Sometimes I think we mothers feel like we're the only ones who can do the job to our own standards ;) I don't know.

I just wonder whether there's an unemotional; logical; reasonable way we can tell men how we feel without them rolling their eyes :laughing:

[Issey]

I am not quite sure I am understanding your question :confused: but I am in my 30's worked for lots of years before No#1 surprise came along. Yes huge adjustments, my career goals and objectives changed once my DS arrived and he became the most important in my life, I no longer cared about my career goals just wanted a reasonable job that fitted into what I thought was best for my DS, that is financially needing to work but also the imporantance of spending time with DS. I no longer strived for that 'perfect job or career move' I find my happiness is fulfilled in watching my DS learn new things...plus I have some stimulation in the workforce but not as intense as previously.


As for the second part of your post about hubby playing golf once a week. I would see that as his relaxation time, his own time to perhaps unwind, take out stress etc. I know being a new mum is hard too and your needs are real too. We all need our own space, my suggestion would be a compromise, family day Sunday, or hubby brings home take away on golf day and have special dinner together. Maybe hubby can look after bubs while your friend does something for herself, ie hairdressers, shopping etc. I hope they can sort out something that makes them both happy. :hugs:

[draught]

Well - I worked for 12 odd years before having my first child, (and in between each birth since then) and my husband plays golf every Saturday (plus other days when he can) so I am probably qualified to comment here in some way!

The change from working to being at home is a huge one - loss of independance, loss of income, loss of routine, etc. There are many positive things about it but the huge changes, plus all the newness of learning about babies and how to look after them is massive.

In the same way becoming a parent is a huge change for Dads. Mothers are very good at not letting Dads do things and learn how to care for babies because we don't think that they will do it as well as us, or they don't listen to us etc (I am VERY guilty of this one). What I have realised several years down the track is that them doing it in a different way isn't going to be the end of the world. But I think the loss of control for mothers compounds this ability to not hand over control to fathers.

It took my DH about 6 months with each child before he felt comfortable and confident to do things with them and start to spend more time with them. With DS it has been quicker, but I think that is because it is number 3 and DS is a very alert big baby so he has fooled DH into thinking he is older :laughing:

Anyway - what I am trying to say is that families do find their own balance at some point. I hope that she can find hers sooner rather than later!

[Trumpet]

I worked for about 12yrs before my 1st and had the best job with a great company and great people but then we decided to have a family and my whole perspective on life changed from the time I gave birth to my son.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world for me and such a huge culture shock from doing accounts which is so structured and controlled. Nothing can prepare you for the lonliness and isolation you feel going days wth only seeing and speaking to your DH and any hapless person who happens to call to feed your adult stimulation craved mind.

Parenting requires both parents to contribute and as your SIL DH needs to go to golf for business then another day needs to be arranged for family time or just her time. Men don't always understand that you NEED time away so you have to tell them. Also as Draught said we like to control everything and don't let the partners do anything or think they can't do it right so don't give them a chance to make the mistakes and to get comfortable with their own children.

Sorry to go on but maybe she needs to sit down with her DH and just talk openly about what se wants or needs from him to make it easier and work for both of them.

[motherhoodlmb]

There are so many pertinent points everyone makes in their posts: mothers not being able to let go and let their husband/partner do it and do it their way; the isolation you can feel when it's just you and the baby or in her case, babies; oh and so on!! I myself felt very trapped and lonely - feelings I NEVER thought I'd have.

Yes, she needs to sit down with her husband and talk to him about it over a glass of wine after the kids have gone to bed. Such a huge adjustment needs much communication - however some people (not just men) are hard to communicate with, so it needs to be in a way that's easy for them to understand and so they don't feel it's an attack on them - which it's not. She doesn't begrudge the golf days, it's some of the other things on top of the golf and the social work functions. So perhaps this means she needs to let go a little and take some time for herself.

I find this a fascinating subject and I know the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission just released a report on a topic similar to this - something about Finding the Balance.

Thanks for taking the time to respond...

[charlen49]

I worked for about 12yrs before my 1st and had the best job with a great company and great people but then we decided to have a family and my whole perspective on life changed from the time I gave birth to my son.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world for me and such a huge culture shock from doing accounts which is so structured and controlled. Nothing can prepare you for the lonliness and isolation you feel going days wth only seeing and speaking to your DH and any hapless person who happens to call to feed your adult stimulation craved mind.

Parenting requires both parents to contribute and as your SIL DH needs to go to golf for business then another day needs to be arranged for family time or just her time. Men don't always understand that you NEED time away so you have to tell them. Also as Draught said we like to control everything and don't let the partners do anything or think they can't do it right so don't give them a chance to make the mistakes and to get comfortable with their own children.

Sorry to go on but maybe she needs to sit down with her DH and just talk openly about what se wants or needs from him to make it easier and work for both of them.
:yes: I totally agree what both of you had to say....very well put!!!

[rynosmum]

I worked in a corporate career for over 10 years prior to having my son. The transition, as others have said, was major although my DH seemed to just expect that I would take it in my stride. For the most part, I'm pretty glad we had kids in our 30's as to us, it was just another challenge, nothing was overwhelming (apart from a couple of nights :o ) but more of something we needed to learn and understand iykwim.

My DH did leave me to do most of the baby-related care whilst bubba was young but then again, I probably didn't really push his involvement. Once I went back to work, I still kept most of the tasks just because 'that is how we always did it'.

DH is a casual golfer as well plus other similar things. It never worried me too much as I enjoyed the 1-on-1 time with DS, I always thought that I was the winner with that.

Now that DS is 2 and a half, we do share the parenting completely although I prefer to be with DS as much as possible but that's my choice. We're pregnant again so at least I can get some time to run off to bed on the weekend for a snooze whilst the boys go swimming or out visiting :D

[shed]

There is a book called The Post-Baby Conversation.

I recommend this book highly.

[MariaO]

I think that the degree of support around is hugely relevant as well. If my mother and sister, particularly, were living near me then Aoife's first year would have been very different I think. As it was, it was just my husband and I. I really would not have been willing or able to live with all day Saturday committments.
I really am not sure whether my having spent 20 years in the workforce made a difference to how I felt as a parent. I had given up work before moving to Australia so had a little crisis of confidence before ever becoming a mother.

Again, perhaps related to the lack of support, of perhaps because I am such a wuss, but I was never the expert who did not trust my husband with anything in fact. I do know too many women who feel they have to be able to control and manage everything. I have a few friends who have had real relationship problems in the first year or so of their children's lives for much the same reasons as you SIL.

They definitely need to have a talk about what they all want and need in their family.I really hope your SIL does not feel as though she is not coping where she should be.