View Full Version : Inappropiate behaviour
My daughter has just turned 1 yr old. I have consent orders that allow her father to see her twice a week for 1.5 hours in my premises only. To cut a long story short I am at a loss of what to do. When he visits my daughter I believe he behaves inappropiately towards her. He carrys her with one hand in her crouch. He kisses her far too much all over her face including her lips (he is not usually an effectionate person). He also rubs her chest not her tummy just her chest???
He comes with his mother who is also a little strange and the last visit she said to him why don't you take her into her bedroom???? I just got up and shut the door to her room.
My mother and I are so disgusted when he comes we give her a bath when he leaves. She was born very early and we have to be careful about germs etc and with him all over her who knows what she'll catch.
He won't listen to me and just cracks the ****s when I say anything. I am over reacting?? What should I do here. I just don't feel comfortable. (He had a strange up bringing also).
Any advice on what I should do???? It's just all too weird.
princessarra
12-03-2007, 12:51
I don't mean to be rude but i see nothing wrong with that..... i kiss my daughter all the time too and i run my fingers through her hair and always have her on my knee. It's called bonding, maybe he is over affectionate because he misses her,2 hours per week is not a very long time at all to spend with your child.
I think your overeacting and i think you should let them bond togeather as father and daughter. Also maybe if you let him spend a little more time with her he might not be so clingy when he does see her.
The part I don't think is right is kissing on the lips? I kiss her but not to the extent that he does and I am effectionate type of person he is not never has been. I can understand rubbing her tummy and chest but not just her chest alone??? Also carrying her by the crouch. And why would his mother state "take her into her bedroom"?
He gets 3 hours a week for a reason, orders are in place but this is because of his temper and drug taking amongst other things however this situation with feeling uncomfortable about the way he handles her I never imagined I'd feel or would be something that is bothering me. My mother is also of the same opinion.
I would never denie him seeing her as he is the father.
Immy I have to admit what you wrote gave me the creeps, it would make me uncomfortable too.
Since I have never been involved in any custody type matters I don't have any advice except to say just go with your gut instinct.
It could be that he is just being a loving father to his daughter, then again, it could be something more.
Do you think he would do something like that?
Do you think he would do that while you are there?
I think you need to think about whether he is being inappropriate, or whether you just don't want him being affectionate to your daughter because of your feelings towards him. Sometimes things can be taken the wrong way or misconstrued because of how you feel. I say this because I sometimes feel funny about DD being with her dad, especially when we are arguing and he has said something hurtful towards me or whatever. I then start to think the worst of him. Maybe it might be that.
Just don't jump to conclusions.
I hope you can sort it out!
In all honesty, there's nothing he can really do, if he is even doing anything, in your presence.
To me it just sounds like he's being overly affectionate because he doesn't get to see her a real lot. And why is it wrong for him to take her into her bedroom? If you're there you just make sure the door is open if you're uncomfortable with it.
I think, see how it goes, if you still feel uncomfortable about it in a little while, maybe ask a professional in the field to come an observe a visitation? posing as one of your friends... I don't know. I can't imagine how you must feel, I just feel :barf: at the thought of anyone being innapropriate to my kids.. but I know DH is very affectionate to them, and we both kiss their lips. Maybe he's just being an OTT first time dad who misses his daughter. I hope so.
princessarra
12-03-2007, 14:43
Maybe the grandmother said that in the context off putting hedr to bed or changing her clothes or getting her toy out of a toy box.
sunnyflower
12-03-2007, 15:08
I think definately keep an eye on it.Maybe you can talk to a sexual assual counsellor,someone who deals with these things all the time and ask for their opinion.I don't know,it sounds a bit creepy to me and a mothers instinct is never wrong.I would definately not let your child out of your sight when he is there if you fell that way.
I kiss my son on the lips. I also rub his chest - not his tummy, just his chest. He has tickly ribs. It makes him giggle. There are times when I am carrying him in certain positions where my arm reaches down to his crotch and around his bum. I rub my chin against his bum - again, he's tickly there so it makes him giggle.
Part of me read your post and thought "that sounds a bit iffy" but then another part of me wonders if you are just looking for the worst in your ex. Is there anything in his past to indicate that he would do anything untoward?
By all means, keep an eye on the situation but keep an open mind, too.
Thanks for the replies and feedback. I hope I am wrong but I just don't know especially as his family history is strange and a counsellor we once saw said he has alot of unresolved issues to do with his upbringing and doesn't want to go there.
As suggested I might get an outsiders opinion and have them pose as a friend I think I need an outsider to give an unbias opinion someone that is not involved.
I'm glad others can see my point of view as well as the possibility of it maybe being nothing.
It's a tricky situation and I wish everything was just normal. My daughter deserves a NORMAL stable relationship with both parents even if we are not together.
javalava
12-03-2007, 17:06
Obviously Immy knows this man better than us. She obvsiously sees him as a bit odd even without this behaviour. Id be careful and just keep an eye on him. There isnt much more you can do. Good luck.
I kiss my son on the lips. I also rub his chest - not his tummy, just his chest. He has tickly ribs. It makes him giggle. There are times when I am carrying him in certain positions where my arm reaches down to his crotch and around his bum. I rub my chin against his bum - again, he's tickly there so it makes him giggle.
Part of me read your post and thought "that sounds a bit iffy" but then another part of me wonders if you are just looking for the worst in your ex. Is there anything in his past to indicate that he would do anything untoward?
By all means, keep an eye on the situation but keep an open mind, too.
I do the same, with my kids.
But I agree, keep close on her.
Grace
SorenLorensen
24-03-2007, 20:56
do you have a reason to not trust him ??
i know you have said he has issues but are they of any relation as to what is making to worry?
both me and my dp kiss my DD on the lips, always have, i also kiss my nephew and nice on the lips too, but thats just what we all do.
and like beany my DD has tickly ribs.
and to carry her by the crouch, i soemtimes do the same thing with DD, i dont know why its just sometimes my arms get sore and i cant hold her proper anymore so i holder infront facing away from me, my arms going across her body, gives my arm a break for a little.
but if you are worried dont stop, maby their is a reason, im not their and i cant judge, but try to work it out soon becasue if you have your reservations about him your DD will pick up on that
SassyMummy
24-03-2007, 21:59
I kiss DD on the lips, I hold her by having a hand or two on her crotch sometimes (it's an easy way to hold a heavy toddler), I always kiss my DD all day long, I run my fingers through her curls, I rub her belly, her chest, her bum...
Perhaps he shows her so much affection in such a short space of time because he doesn't get to see her too often. Some people find kissing and touching uncomfortable, but unless your daughter shows signs that SHE is uncomfortable, or he's doing something that can't just be general loving behaviour, I think he has every right to show her affection.
I know if I saw my DD for less than 2 hours per week, I'd be all over her too!
To top this all off. Her father has since been kissing her on her chest and chest only and nuzzling into her crouch. I don't think this is normal!!!
In response to carrying her by her crouch she is not a heavy toddler she weighs all of 5.3kgs and is more like a 4 month old baby, he still can't sit up.
She is also not a well baby and hygiene is extremely important so kissing on the lips anyway shouldn't be happening.
He has 3 hours per week for a reason (he takes drugs and has a temper). He doesn't always show up and when he does come he arrives late and leaves early!!!?? There was a period of 5 months he didn't even care to see her!
He has lost his temper with her when she came home from hospital and never has been interested until recently which is good he is interested but I don't understand his actions.
To me as I know him it's strange. Thankyou for your feedback.....
The other thing my daughter is very uncomfortable with his behaviour she keeps looking at me like to get reassurance and she screams and arches her head and back with him. The thing is she is a happy baby and not shy and always smiles at everyone. Therefore as you can imagine I am finding this difficult and a little strange but I don't want to say anything in case I am out of line. He is her father and does have a right to see her. I am know looking at getting professional advice on the matter or having a counsellor come over and pose as a friend.
I kiss my son on the lips. I also rub his chest - not his tummy, just his chest. He has tickly ribs. It makes him giggle. There are times when I am carrying him in certain positions where my arm reaches down to his crotch and around his bum. I rub my chin against his bum - again, he's tickly there so it makes him giggle.
Part of me read your post and thought "that sounds a bit iffy" but then another part of me wonders if you are just looking for the worst in your ex. Is there anything in his past to indicate that he would do anything untoward?
By all means, keep an eye on the situation but keep an open mind, too.
I agree with this as well.
But it seems to me that you have already made your mind up about the situation.
Really all you can do is keep an eye on him and if you manage to gather any proof of wrongdoing on his part, take it back to court and deal with it there.
At least he is only allowed visits under your supervision so you can always be at arms length to make sure nothing really nasty happens.
If the hygiene problem is really an issue that is threatening your childs health warnings to him and advising the appropriate people should take care of that too.
Immy I come from the school that you know the situation best including this man. I think talking to a professional is a good idea especially if you feel the behaviour is getting worse and that your daughter is uncomfortable.
Sending my best wishes to you:hugs:
Once again thanks guys for your support.....
I kiss my son on the lips. I also rub his chest - not his tummy, just his chest. He has tickly ribs. It makes him giggle. There are times when I am carrying him in certain positions where my arm reaches down to his crotch and around his bum. I rub my chin against his bum - again, he's tickly there so it makes him giggle.
Part of me read your post and thought "that sounds a bit iffy" but then another part of me wonders if you are just looking for the worst in your ex. Is there anything in his past to indicate that he would do anything untoward?
By all means, keep an eye on the situation but keep an open mind, too.
Yep I agree... Some information must have been left out (I dont know if it was done on purpose) but why would someone (the grand mother) say for no reason why dont you take her in the bedroom? What would promt someone to say something like that.. There must have been more to the conversation then that...
The other thing my daughter is very uncomfortable with his behaviour she keeps looking at me like to get reassurance and she screams and arches her head and back with him. The thing is she is a happy baby and not shy and always smiles at everyone. Therefore as you can imagine I am finding this difficult and a little strange but I don't want to say anything in case I am out of line. He is her father and does have a right to see her. I am know looking at getting professional advice on the matter or having a counsellor come over and pose as a friend.
She probably feeds off the vibes you give out... If you have alot of resentment towards him and you are quite guarded or your persona changes in a way when he is around she will pick up on this..
Actually I do not believe I show resentment at all towards him. I am polite tell him what I can about her progress etc even after everything that has happened in the past and what is happening now.
As mentioned before irrespective of how I feel my daughter has a right to spend time with her father however I need to ensure she is safe and his behaviour towards her is not inappropiate.
As for his mother mentioning "take her into her bedroom". Nothing else was said in conversation this is the strange thing don't you think? What on earth would make her say this? All her toys are in the lounge room etc...
Actually I do not believe I show resentment at all towards him. I am polite tell him what I can about her progress etc even after everything that has happened in the past and what is happening now.
As mentioned before irrespective of how I feel my daughter has a right to spend time with her father however I need to ensure she is safe and his behaviour towards her is not inappropiate.
As for his mother mentioning "take her into her bedroom". Nothing else was said in conversation this is the strange thing don't you think? What on earth would make her say this? All her toys are in the lounge room etc...
That is strange.. That she would say that makes you wonder... All you can do is just watch them closely. I really hope its nothing to worry about because that would be really horrible... Maybe you should talk to a professional..... All the best:hugs:
That is strange.. That she would say that makes you wonder... All you can do is just watch them closely. I really hope its nothing to worry about because that would be really horrible... Maybe you should talk to a professional..... All the best:hugs:
It is strange isn't it? This and the other things is the reason I am just going in my head "what the ????". It scares me as I know his mother'sr upbringing is so bad she won't even talk about it to her kids and their upbringing is strange also. A counsellor we saw for a while told me he needs years of counselling to do with his family history but doesn't want to go there.
This also makes me nervous in case he is reinacting what has happened in his past? I know he has already reinacted a couple of things his father did and the counsellor pointed out to him that it was quite ironic.
Anyhow I am going to seek professional advice. I owe it to myself and more importantly my daughter. I hope I am wrong but it just keeps getting weirder. Thanks again for you support.
I don't know, I don't think your girl's grandmother was encouraging her son to take her somewhere private and molest her. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Perhaps she was trying to get them out of the room so she could talk to you in private?
I don't know, I don't think your girl's grandmother was encouraging her son to take her somewhere private and molest her. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Perhaps she was trying to get them out of the room so she could talk to you in private?
I'm not necessarily saying that she was encouraging her son to molest my daugther. All I can say is that it was weird. My mother and I looked at each other in disbelief and I shut her bedroom door immediately. This is not something you expect to hear out of the blue with no reference to anything??? Do you agree?
Maybe she wanted to talk to me in private who knows but then again she has my phone number if she feels she has no opportunity while her son is there? I am confused it doesn't make sense to me?
Obviously you know your ex's history better then any of us. There is obivuously a reason why he cant see hes daughter un supervised..Definetly go and talk to someone it is bugging you alot..At least they will be able to tell you what steps you need to take "if any"
You'll get through this... :hugs:
Obviously you know your ex's history better then any of us. There is obivuously a reason why he cant see hes daughter un supervised..Definetly go and talk to someone it is bugging you alot..At least they will be able to tell you what steps you need to take "if any"
You'll get through this... :hugs:
Thanks viperpt. I will go and chat to someone sooner rather than later. I appreciate your support.
Let us know how you go Immy. I think talking to someone is the way to go and I am all for trusting your instincts:yes:
Let us know how you go Immy. I think talking to someone is the way to go and I am all for trusting your instincts:yes:
Thanks Elfin. I'll keep you posted. I am going to talk to the Baby Health Nurse to see who I need to speak to.
Angelmist♥
26-03-2007, 11:32
The part I don't think is right is kissing on the lips? I kiss her but not to the extent that he does and I am effectionate type of person he is not never has been. I can understand rubbing her tummy and chest but not just her chest alone??? Also carrying her by the crouch. And why would his mother state "take her into her bedroom"?
He gets 3 hours a week for a reason, orders are in place but this is because of his temper and drug taking amongst other things however this situation with feeling uncomfortable about the way he handles her I never imagined I'd feel or would be something that is bothering me. My mother is also of the same opinion.
I would never denie him seeing her as he is the father.
I kiss my baby everywhere!I have with all 3.I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with his actions but if you do, you should keep an eye out.I wanted to say too that my DH is not an affectionate person at all but when it comes to his kids he can't hug and kiss them enough.
As for his mother mentioning "take her into her bedroom". Nothing else was said in conversation this is the strange thing don't you think? What on earth would make her say this? All her toys are in the lounge room etc...
I'm sorry but I see it this way.Honestly I think his mother has picked up on you watching every move and thought maybe he could spend some alone time with his daughter playing in the room.People aren't stupid and do pick up on body language even if nothing is said.Maybe his mum figures you get every day to bond with your daughter alone and he gets 3hrs a week 'supervised'.
I think you're obviously a brilliant mum and it's great you are keeping an eye out for your daughter:thumbsup: Honestly though, I think you are over-reacting to the things you have told us.:o
I kiss my baby everywhere!I have with all 3.I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with his actions but if you do, you should keep an eye out.I wanted to say too that my DH is not an affectionate person at all but when it comes to his kids he can't hug and kiss them enough.
I'm sorry but I see it this way.Honestly I think his mother has picked up on you watching every move and thought maybe he could spend some alone time with his daughter playing in the room.People aren't stupid and do pick up on body language even if nothing is said.Maybe his mum figures you get every day to bond with your daughter alone and he gets 3hrs a week 'supervised'.
I think you're obviously a brilliant mum and it's great you are keeping an eye out for your daughter:thumbsup: Honestly though, I think you are over-reacting to the things you have told us.:o
Thanks for your opinion on this. But you are not there to see what is happening and don't know him or his mother. I don't watch him like a hawk either I quietly sit and read and give him his time and mind you he doesn't always show and he arrives late and leaves early??? What does this say when you only have 3 hrs a week??
Anyhow I am leaving this up to a professional to witness.
Angelmist♥
26-03-2007, 12:33
I'm sorry Immy, you asked if you were overreacting and I said I thought you were.
No I'm not there to see!When you ask a question on a public forum based on info you have provided, you are not always going to get the answer you want.:hugs:
I'm sorry Immy, you asked if you were overreacting and I said I thought you were.
No I'm not there to see!When you ask a question on a public forum based on info you have provided, you are not always going to get the answer you want.:hugs:
No thanks for your reply. Since I first asked this question more has happened and now I no longer question whether I am over reacting or not. However for all parties concerned I am seeking professional advice so either way it is handled in the delicate manner it needs to be. No matter what he is still the father and we get along ok so this is a delicate situation for all of us.
Hi Immy,
All I can say is trust your instincts!Its good that you are getting professional help for the situation.I hope everything works out for you.:hugs:
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