CJJHRA
12-03-2007, 11:43
I've know now, for sometime, that I need help, I cant do it anymore on my own, but yet, I can't bring myself to go to the dr's to get a script for Anti-D's. I have done in the past (and I was so nervous about going and felt really sick like I wanted to throw up!), but the stuff he put me on didnt work.
About 10 months later I went back and said I want to try something else, but he said oh, try them again but double the dose, but I knew they werent going to work, but instead of standing up for myself I just nodded and agreed, I felt like he just wasnt listening to what I knew, that they werent working. Well, no suprise, they didn't work, and I lost any remaining faith in a dr I went to for 10 years!!
I know it was wrong of me, but I did try some other AD's that a friend gave me, and there was only a weeks worth, and after 3 days, I could really feel my mind starting to clear up, and I could think a little more straight, and there were no side effects what so ever on these, unlike the other ones, so deep down I know they do work, and I know I need them, but admitting it, well it really hurts! I feel terrible, like I am weak and cant cope. Why, well lets see if I can explain it.
Yes, I have 6 kids, and when my dr asked how many kids I had (like he should have known, but anyway) he just goes, yep, no wonder, and that made me feel really really down even more, like why did I have so many kids if I cant cope kinda thing. I know its stupid to think like that, I know many others with less kids need AD's (and no, I dont think any less of them at all, I actually feel admiration for them that they can seek help and all) but I feel, I dunno, cant really say why, don't know why.
I was talking to DH about it a bit last night, but I find it really hard talking about my feelings to anyone, I tell DH alot more than I can anyone else, but yet I still cant tell him everything, its just too hard for me to do that. He offered to come with me, but I cant go with him, becuase I will feel stupid infront of him, he said get my sis to come with me, but I dont want her to know I cant cope.
I don't even really know why I am posting this, maybe for a big kick up the bum... but, yeah, anyway...
now, I don't really want to go to a completely new dr, because I don't like unfamiliarlarity (big word that, did I spell it right), but I don't really want to go back to the other one.
Oh why can't I just pick up the phone and call someone, anyone, and get it over and done with.
I also think, councelling may be needed, for other issues also, like my extreme shyness, and fear of answering the phone, or calling anyone on the phone, well its not a fear as such, Its not a phobia or anything, but I do get panicay over such a stupid thing, because I have to talk to someone, does that make sense. But I dont know if I could talk, I know in my head what I want to say, and I cant write it down ok, but when it comes to talking, the words just dont come out, and when they do, they are often followed by tears, and the stuff isn't really anything to get upset over, I just dont like talking about me! and how I feel.
now, there I go, thinking, do I hit submitt, or just close the browser.. :gloomy: Geez I am sad huh!
About 10 months later I went back and said I want to try something else, but he said oh, try them again but double the dose, but I knew they werent going to work, but instead of standing up for myself I just nodded and agreed, I felt like he just wasnt listening to what I knew, that they werent working. Well, no suprise, they didn't work, and I lost any remaining faith in a dr I went to for 10 years!!
I know it was wrong of me, but I did try some other AD's that a friend gave me, and there was only a weeks worth, and after 3 days, I could really feel my mind starting to clear up, and I could think a little more straight, and there were no side effects what so ever on these, unlike the other ones, so deep down I know they do work, and I know I need them, but admitting it, well it really hurts! I feel terrible, like I am weak and cant cope. Why, well lets see if I can explain it.
Yes, I have 6 kids, and when my dr asked how many kids I had (like he should have known, but anyway) he just goes, yep, no wonder, and that made me feel really really down even more, like why did I have so many kids if I cant cope kinda thing. I know its stupid to think like that, I know many others with less kids need AD's (and no, I dont think any less of them at all, I actually feel admiration for them that they can seek help and all) but I feel, I dunno, cant really say why, don't know why.
I was talking to DH about it a bit last night, but I find it really hard talking about my feelings to anyone, I tell DH alot more than I can anyone else, but yet I still cant tell him everything, its just too hard for me to do that. He offered to come with me, but I cant go with him, becuase I will feel stupid infront of him, he said get my sis to come with me, but I dont want her to know I cant cope.
I don't even really know why I am posting this, maybe for a big kick up the bum... but, yeah, anyway...
now, I don't really want to go to a completely new dr, because I don't like unfamiliarlarity (big word that, did I spell it right), but I don't really want to go back to the other one.
Oh why can't I just pick up the phone and call someone, anyone, and get it over and done with.
I also think, councelling may be needed, for other issues also, like my extreme shyness, and fear of answering the phone, or calling anyone on the phone, well its not a fear as such, Its not a phobia or anything, but I do get panicay over such a stupid thing, because I have to talk to someone, does that make sense. But I dont know if I could talk, I know in my head what I want to say, and I cant write it down ok, but when it comes to talking, the words just dont come out, and when they do, they are often followed by tears, and the stuff isn't really anything to get upset over, I just dont like talking about me! and how I feel.
now, there I go, thinking, do I hit submitt, or just close the browser.. :gloomy: Geez I am sad huh!