Dealing with jealousy

[trina73]

HI,
i have been a stepmum to 2 girls fo9 years they are 10 &12.when i was pregnant with ds there was alot of jealousy mainly, from their mum ( she was angry about my pregnancy) she told dp that she had wished that my endometriosis would stop me from having kids.:mad: her jealousy caused all these problems, she told the girls that 'dad is having a new baby now and you wont be the important ones now' that was never the case but thats all i heard right from the moment we told everyone. ' oh but we just hope that you don't forget about them, just because you are having a baby' my ds is now 3 and i still have this jealousy, i have always loved them, fed them, clothed them and always treated them as my own. but on the weekend dsd1 had a go at me for always talking about my son, its always jordan this and jordan that, and i'm sick of it and it makes us feel like we shouldn't be around and then she said i do love you but we come here to spend time with dad and because of jordan we feel we can't do many things. i was so hurt by this, i don't always talk about my son, he is a special needs child and i have to put him first sometimes, but that doesn;t mean that i don't care for the girls, but i shouldn't have to stop talking about my own son to others just to keep them happy. how do i nip this in the bud before this situation gets worse as we are ttc#2. sorry this is so long, but i need advice please help :(

[EskimoMumma]

Is your parter supporting you in wanting to nip this in the bud? Is he even aware of this jealousy? If so what does he think.

The girls do have a point in saying they are there to spend time with their father. It is also the family as well, but mainly, the father.

Depending on what your partner thinks about this see if he does support you and together you can confront your DSD's about this.

As hard as it might be, try not to pass the blame back around and just move on from what their mother has been telling them and think positively.

Best of luck :hugs:

[trina73]

I do have some support there but he spends too much time trying to keep them happy cause he thinks he will lose them if he doesn't. and their mum will put anything in their heads.

[EskimoMumma]

This is such a tough situation as every family is completely different. There really is no way of knowing how it will be handelled and I can sympthise with how your partner is feeling in not wanting to lose them.


Personally for me I would speak to your DSD's about this, very carefully and choose your words VERY wisely, and let them know you do love them and care for them immensely but remind them that the world cannot stop for them and have the world kiss their feet. (ok dont say that but something along those lines)

Also remember, they would be feeling jealousy anyway because your DS gets to spend time with Dad 24/7, and they do not. So it might not just be the mother putting ideas into their head. Look at it from their point of view.


As I said, this is a very tough situation and I hope that I have been SOME help. Again, big :hugs: :hugs: to you.

[spoon]

I do not think that you should be discussing anything with the children. I think you should be having this out with your husband. if you can not do it together, go to counselling.

The mother will get it all back one day tenfold. she is using her children from the sounds of things as a weapon to hurt you. She is feeding on her childrens insecurity.

I think you should just be joining ranks here with your hubby and dealing with the girls as a united front. Try to address thier insecurity and if it continues i think i would be contacting thier school to get them seen by the school counsellor.

[trina73]

I usually don't discuss things with the girls but at this particular time i was in the car, and had no where to go to get out of the discussion.dp was there and did say to the girls that its hard not to talk about ds as he is a special needs child and he is in a range of activities to help him, and people are always asking about him so of course we are going to reply.i guess the girls are upset because we don't talk much of them, we do in our own way, but as dp said to the girls, we just don't know their lives at home with mum because she shut him out. he was never involved with parent teacher interviews, their friends, activities, sports ect... as she didn't want him to be, this is not his fault but hers, we only know of things because we ask, but never get told much, we can only do what we can do, anyone else have advice for me?

[pegasus]

I never said anything to my step kids for the first 9years - I've recently started saying some stuff to them - Their mum will say to us - and it's unfair.

All I'll say to them - as it becomes relevant - is your dad loves you the same as always and (DS and DD) will never take over your place, but they only have one mum and one dad. You're lucky - you have both a mum and a dad that care for you and you also have me (step mum) and (mum's boyfriend) who care for you.....

The kids at this age are old enough to learn the play parents against each other thing (and in our instance) their mother plays it, and need to have their own places reinforced, but also know that they can't insult their half brother and/ or sister. I stopped talking to their mother for a while when she referred to my children as the f*&^ing children.

Difficult time for you Trina and I'm happy to talk to you at anytime

[munchkin05]

All I'll say to them - as it becomes relevant - is your dad loves you the same as always and (DS and DD) will never take over your place, but they only have one mum and one dad. You're lucky - you have both a mum and a dad that care for you and you also have me (step mum) and (mum's boyfriend) who care for you.....



:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
thats all they need to know

i had this problem with middle step son he woudl come to us on weekends and say thing that his mum had said like "if this baby is a girl im gonna kill the ex" daddy doesnt love you now and all the usual bull **** that goes on
but i found making him (he was 6) involved in the pregnancy he came for scans and when laying at night and i woudl feel kicking he would come lay next to me and feel it and talk to bub
by the end of it he loved the fact that he was having a baby brother we included both the other boys in everything from buying stuff to setting up the cot etc
middle step son even changes bens second nappy and stuff like that

its hard when other kids are involved but as long as you make sure they are loved thats the main thing :thumbsup: