can i demand ???

[munchkin05]

the ex wants ben to continue going to his house on wednesday nights and every second sunday morning and has now started asking for him at other times aswell

but he has changed hishome phone number so i now only have a mobile number to get in contact with him that he turns off as soon as he gets home from work and when he doesnt want to talk to anyone
a few times ive tried to ring him when hes had ben and he wont even answer then

so do i have the right to demand that i have a home contact nimber for him before i let ben go there
????

thanks guys :hugs:

[the_queen]

Is there a custody order in place?

If not, then technically I don't think you have to let Ben go with him at all. If you don't feel safe letting Ben go with him, then don't. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't send the kids to him. How long would it take (I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you, but for me, I think about this often) How long would it take for him to go interstate with him, and by the time you miss him, and you try to call him.... :( I don't mean to scare you. But that's the first thing I'd think of. Why wouldn't he want you to be able to contact your son?? I'd be suspicious.

:hugs: hateful situation isn't it.

[munchkin05]

thats what im scared off

i dont think he would do it but he has said it a few times
so its put doubt in my mind

i just dont know what to do

and theres no court orders in place

is there anyways of finding out a private home phone number ???

[~rambox~]

If it is private unless you know someone who knows him who is willing to give it up no names mentioned then no there is no way of getting hold of it.

If there is no court order in place you CAN say that he is not allowed to take him until you have the number and there is nothing he can do about it.

Hang in there I went through this for four years finally my DS#1 dad grew up an realised that i was just concerned for our son :hugs::hugs:

[the_queen]

My honest opinion, lovey: He has previously threatened to kidnap your son, for whom there is no custody order in place (this means that if he does take him, you have no legal recourse.)

I would go to the police, I'd get a custody order, I'd get some legal protection. It would be heart-breaking if he kidnapped him. It would be soul-destroying if there was nothing the police could do about it.

:hugs: I live by the adage, if in doubt, DON'T. If you have any doubts about letting Ben go with your ex, then don't let him go.


I don't think you can find out silent numbers, but the police certainly can.

[munchkin05]

If it is private unless you know someone who knows him who is willing to give it up no names mentioned then no there is no way of getting hold of it.

If there is no court order in place you CAN say that he is not allowed to take him until you have the number and there is nothing he can do about it.

Hang in there I went through this for four years finally my DS#1 dad grew up an realised that i was just concerned for our son



oh god i dont want to go through all this **** for that long :rolleyes:

the thing that annoys me is hes nearly 40 with 2 other kids so you think he would have grown up by now

i mean on saturday we seen him out shopping but he didnt even come say hi to ben and we were metres away from him
my step son came and gave me a hug and his skank ran away from me :laughing: but he was on his phone and then took off without a wave or anything

when i said to him about it today he recons that im lying and he wasnt even on his phone etc etc
i had my friend with me so even she saw what was going on

so if i wait for a nearly 40 year old to grow up how long do i have to wait ???
its stupid

today he cracked the $hits with me cause he meassged me at 1130 to ask if he could have ben and i said once he waked up then you can if you want
well when i messaged him to say ben was awake at 2pm he told me dont worry its to late now to see him anyway :confused:
and thats how i found out hes changed his number cause i tried to ring him

im over it but i cant seem to not let him get to me

[daddaddad]

Ang, It's me, the opposite view, again...

Always being mindful that I don't know you or your ex, I want you to keep in mind that you will have a relationship, of one description or another, with this man for the next 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years....who knows? No matter what happens, he will always be a part of Benno's life.

I know it can be sensationally hard, but the foundation you put down today will be what your son stands on in the future.

Be honest to yourself (and for a second ignore those of us that know you only via internet), what are your concerns? Is he mistreating his son? Is he really likely to take off interstate with him or did he say that during an arguement? Did he run with the other boys? Is he likely to not call you if something pops up when he has access?

Why do you need his land line number? Do you call him during the few hours that he has him? If so, why? It's going to appear like you don't trust him - as a father... not as you're former partner.

Does any of this make sense? If there is a major concern, then sure. Lawyers offices and the family law court are full of people venting their pride.

I don't want to appear negative all the time, it's just giving a little, could gain you a lot of ground in the long term...

[Mum2Bug]

I don't want to appear negative all the time, it's just giving a little, could gain you a lot of ground in the long term...

She gives more than that piece of **** deserves out of her!!!

Ang, if D is going to be that immature (again!!!) then i say DEMAND hun!!!

[Pobblebonk]

Be honest to yourself (and for a second ignore those of us that know you only via internet), what are your concerns?

I'm sorry, but I thought she was expressing her concerns?

And I find it extremely rude of you to tell her to ignore those of us who provide her with as much support and advice as IRL friends would. Please do not undermine the support we give her, and have given her in the past.


Why do you need his land line number? Do you call him during the few hours that he has him? If so, why?

I don't think the point here is whether or not she calls him when he has access with Ben, and if she does, why. The point is that if she ever NEEDED to, she should be able to. It's not just about if she wants to check up on Ben. What if something happened to HER while Ben was with his father?

Quite frankly, if I couldn't get in touch with Mr Chicken's Dad if he had Mr Chicken, then Mr Chicken would NOT be going there.


Lawyers offices and the family law court are full of people venting their pride.

I think you must have the wrong idea here, because I thought lawyers offices and family law courts were designed with the child's best interests in mind?


I don't want to appear negative all the time, it's just giving a little, could gain you a lot of ground in the long term...

*cough cough splutter*

[jess_live_die]

i just wanted to give u a big :hugs: as i have been through all that and i know how har it can be so if you ever wanna ask or chat about it feel free :hugs:

[Mum2Bug]

Be honest to yourself (and for a second ignore those of us that know you only via internet)

Many of us are actually friends with her in RL and know more about her situation than you do, so i dont see that you should be telling her to ignore anyones advice. Many of us have been through it ourselves AND with her and know where she is coming from!!

[daddaddad]

Ooops appears that I managed to upset a lot of people. That was never my intention. I was merely trying to convey that there is a lot of history and that some of our experiences (mine included) may not relate to todays current situation.

In my attempt to suggest that everyone to step back and take a deep breath, I managed to poor fuel onto the situation.

I'll leave it at the apology for those that I offended.

[munchkin05]

No matter what happens, he will always be a part of Benno's life.

I know it can be sensationally hard, but the foundation you put down today will be what your son stands on in the future.

Be honest to yourself (and for a second ignore those of us that know you only via internet), what are your concerns? Is he mistreating his son? Is he really likely to take off interstate with him or did he say that during an arguement? Did he run with the other boys? Is he likely to not call you if something pops up when he has access?

Why do you need his land line number? Do you call him during the few hours that he has him? If so, why? It's going to appear like you don't trust him - as a father... not as you're former partner.

Does any of this make sense? If there is a major concern, then sure. Lawyers offices and the family law court are full of people venting their pride.

I don't want to appear negative all the time, it's just giving a little, could gain you a lot of ground in the long term...


i know what your saying BUT ..................
i know what we do now will effect the relationship ben has with his father later but his father cant take the time out unless its good for him ( when the skank has other arrangement and hes free ) to see his son
he didnt make an effort over xmas he took her and the other boys away after spending the day with HER parents ben didnt see him untill after new year
ok let me ask you this if you were to see one of your kids in a shopping center only meters away woudl u just ignore them ????? i think not

yes he has been a good father to the other 2 kids i wont argue that and he has never ran away with them BUT ben is a different story he has never had much to do with him from the day he was born he changed his first nappy when ben was 7 mths old and that was cause his sister was over and she made him the other 2 boys mums have always been more into drinking and sleeping around and drugs and everything to stop him from seeing them they love getting rid of the kids
as for him contacting me if anything goes wrong well we had only been dating for 2 mths and i got a phone call at 4am to ask if i could come over and go with him to the hospital with his son he never called the mother we went away 2 years ago down south his son chipped a bone in his knee and was n hospital for the day and night he didnt call the mother so i dont think he would all if comething went wrong
ive rang him 2 maybe 3 times while hes had ben
1) was to tell him he needed dinner - he gave him tin spagetti while they sat down to chicken and veg and he wondered why ben didnt eat
2) was to tell him i was running late
3) was to see how ben was doing cause he hadnt been well
not one of those time he answered his phone

hes threatened more than once to take off with ben ok maybe a couple of times its been in an argument but theres been times when we have just been talking and hes brang it up

i dont trust him as a father i used to but not now since she came along he dropped $20 of to his oldest son was14 at the time while son was working and told him to buy dinner and walk home cause he was taking her out for dinner this was at 1030pm and not in the nicest suburb so tell me how responciable that is ???
the skank comes before everything now and thats what i dont trust hes not thinking with his head !!!!!

so all in all at the moment hes not interested in being a dad he thinks hes 20 again and just wants to party and be free of responsibility and in the end he doesnt care as long as hes got her and once that breaks up hes gonna have lost his kids aswell and then hes gonna relise hes stuffed up big time

[munchkin05]

just to add ive got a lot of friends that are on bubhub that i also know in R/L
but i also have got lots of friends that give great unbiased advice her on bubhub

its good to see what others think and tell me if im being a ***** or not and to give me advice

i also appeciate what you also have to say it just gives a differnet point of view
if we all had the same thoughts and feelings life would be easy and boring lol

[jess_live_die]

father should not have to make time for there kids there kids should be there time and any good father would never make it when his free thats just me but.

[munchkin05]

exactly jess

kids should always come first

i know ben comes before me my friends my family everything
and if a new boyfriend told me to choose i tell you what the new boyfriend would be in for a mighty shock cause my foot would be so far up his butt

[oleander]

Ooops appears that I managed to upset a lot of people. That was never my intention. I was merely trying to convey that there is a lot of history and that some of our experiences (mine included) may not relate to todays current situation.

In my attempt to suggest that everyone to step back and take a deep breath, I managed to poor fuel onto the situation.

I'll leave it at the apology for those that I offended.

How would you like it if your DD's mother changed her number and switched off her mobile and you couldn't contact the kids when they were in her care? Cmon, fairs fair.

[AVR]

Yikes! :eek: Get the number lovely.:thumbsup: :fingerscrossed:

[LilShenanigans]

Get a custody order in place. Now.

(as my grandmother would say) Don't dilly dally.

[jess_live_die]

i dnt mean this badly as there are so great dads out there but i just dnt understand y some fathers want there kids and all but dnt wanna help if that makes any sense at all

[~rambox~]

oh god i dont want to go through all this **** for that long :rolleyes:

the thing that annoys me is hes nearly 40 with 2 other kids so you think he would have grown up by now

so if i wait for a nearly 40 year old to grow up how long do i have to wait ???
its stupid

today he cracked the $hits with me cause he meassged me at 1130 to ask if he could have ben and i said once he waked up then you can if you want
well when i messaged him to say ben was awake at 2pm he told me dont worry its to late now to see him anyway :confused:
and thats how i found out hes changed his number cause i tried to ring him


You would think with 2 other kids he would be more responsible. However it could be all the Skank too as when my DS#1 Dad finally left the thing that he left me and his son for that was when he started acting right.

And OMG does it really matter if it is 11am or 2pm HE is his son if he really wanted to see him let him sleep then see him when he wakes.

He sounds like a real tosser and you will do better without him :hugs::hugs:

[Pobblebonk]

Ange - in regards to him not wanting to see Ben after he'd woken up from a sleep - that's just crazy talk because if he actually put things into perspective, then he'd have realised that by allowing Ben to sleep, when he woke up he'd be packed full of energy for playing with his father.

This one of the (many) problems I have with B. He fully believes that despite the routine, he should come when it suits him. Yeah right!

On another note, Ange, B AND his mother did the same thing to me, made threats of taking off with Mr Chicken because "they'd be in a better position to raise him over me" and even though B says NOW that he'd "never do that", I'm sorry mate, but you made the threats which caused the doubt which means that until I have legal residence of Mr Chicken, there is NO WAY I'll let him take Mr Chicken on his own without me. NO WAY.

There's just too big a risk. My family law specialist has also advised me not to allow B to take Mr Chicken without a residence order in place.

I know she's thinking worst case scenario, but I am the one who's raised Mr Chicken from birth, B wasn't even AT the birth, I'm the one who's had to go through all that nasal-gastro feeding tube hell, I'm the one who's had to stay up at night and comfort Mr Chicken when he's teething/sick/eczema/insert other illnesses here - and there's NO WAY someone who can't even be bothered to let me know that they're not even going to turn up to an arranged visit, is going to force ME into a position whereby I have to prove to the judge why 'He's Not the Best Person To Raise Mr Chicken and Mr Chicken Should Be Returned To Me'.

I commend you for having that much trust in Ben's father to take him on his own.

I think you should do what you feel is right, and I believe that you should be able to have his home phone number, as Ben's father turning off his mobile and prohibiting you from contacting him while he has Ben, is him trying to have power over you and show's his need for dominance. Tut tut.

[munchkin05]

You would think with 2 other kids he would be more responsible. However it could be all the Skank too as when my DS#1 Dad finally left the thing that he left me and his son for that was when he started acting right.

And OMG does it really matter if it is 11am or 2pm HE is his son if he really wanted to see him let him sleep then see him when he wakes.

He sounds like a real tosser and you will do better without him :hugs::hugs:


i dont know for certain but i think the skank plays a big part in it
shes only 25 (the smae age as me lol ) but she wants kids and the ex had the snip just before ben was born so i know that its not going to last
its just a matter of when
what im worried about is that its going to be to late to have that relationship with ben that ben deserves i know its his loss and not bens but i just cant help feeling bens missing out

[munchkin05]

Ange - in regards to him not wanting to see Ben after he'd woken up from a sleep - that's just crazy talk because if he actually put things into perspective, then he'd have realised that by allowing Ben to sleep, when he woke up he'd be packed full of energy for playing with his father.

This one of the (many) problems I have with B. He fully believes that despite the routine, he should come when it suits him. Yeah right!

On another note, Ange, B AND his mother did the same thing to me, made threats of taking off with Mr Chicken because "they'd be in a better position to raise him over me" and even though B says NOW that he'd "never do that", I'm sorry mate, but you made the threats which caused the doubt which means that until I have legal residence of Mr Chicken, there is NO WAY I'll let him take Mr Chicken on his own without me. NO WAY.

There's just too big a risk. My family law specialist has also advised me not to allow B to take Mr Chicken without a residence order in place.

I know she's thinking worst case scenario, but I am the one who's raised Mr Chicken from birth, B wasn't even AT the birth, I'm the one who's had to go through all that nasal-gastro feeding tube hell, I'm the one who's had to stay up at night and comfort Mr Chicken when he's teething/sick/eczema/insert other illnesses here - and there's NO WAY someone who can't even be bothered to let me know that they're not even going to turn up to an arranged visit, is going to force ME into a position whereby I have to prove to the judge why 'He's Not the Best Person To Raise Mr Chicken and Mr Chicken Should Be Returned To Me'.

I commend you for having that much trust in Ben's father to take him on his own.

I think you should do what you feel is right, and I believe that you should be able to have his home phone number, as Ben's father turning off his mobile and prohibiting you from contacting him while he has Ben, is him trying to have power over you and show's his need for dominance. Tut tut.

why is it that they cant see that kids do need a sleep and excatly what was wrong with him seeing ben after his sleep cant tell me that 2 pm is to late to come and see your son concidering its daylight savings and its light untill all hours

he likes to think that he still has power over me and when i told him i had a boyfriend( i dont ) he became really nice to me and decided he wanted me back etc etc i think it was because he new i wasnt sitting back waiting for him to change his mind

men men men
i wish i understood them

[daddaddad]

I must simply be a glutten for punishment. Ladies, I am not trying to stir the pot. I hope I succeed more in coming across as supportive than it appears I did yesterday – ouch!


How would you like it if your DD's mother changed her number and switched off her mobile and you couldn't contact the kids when they were in her care? Cmon, fairs fair.

LM, It’s happened to me. My ex has move house, changed phones, email addresses etc – not out of spite, just ‘cause her lease ran out or whatever. She has traveled down south for a weekend, stayed at friends over night or what not and I’ve had no idea where the girls were. When DD1 broke her arm, I found out the next day…

On the flip side of the coin, I’ve taken the girls out of mobile range or away from home from time to time. I’ve also been guilty of turning my mobile off to stop the world (work etc) interrupting my time with my girls.

What I was trying to portray is, it is how we deal with the situation that makes the difference. If I jumped up and down, telling her not to turn her phone off at netball or if she told me not to take the girls my friends farm where there is no mobile coverage, we would both just start the cycle of arguing again.

Ange, I’m not trying to defend your ex – he does sound like a right d*ck and I am sure that you’ve hit the nail on the head that his skank has a lot to do with his actions. He’s making his bed. One day he’ll be judged by Ben – not us – and that is really all that counts.

You say he’s running around acting like a 20 year old. My money is that if you back him into a corner, he’ll start sulking like a 15 year old and arc up, fueled on by the skank. Even if you take on the battle and manage to extract the phone number out of him, can you make him answer it?

I know you’re banging your head on the wall but…pick your battles. Is the saying “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”?

Bracing myself for the replies.

[pegasus]

I was a bit hesitant about putting a post in here as:

1. I'm posting from the other side like daddaddad

2. I've met Ange in real life and wanted to remain impartial, but obviously this is a real issue that's upsetting for you Ange.

In regards to phone numbers etc, my hubby's ex does not have our home number - it is silent and she will never get it. I have asked hubby a few times if we should give it to her, but he does not want her to have it and ultimately - he has the last word. This all started after (9years ago mind you) she would ring up / hang up have friends leave nasty messages etc, and do it at all hours of the night/morning.

Thing is, if we take the kids out, then in times gone by (before mobiles) she wouldn't have been able to get us anyway. These days we still get abused over the phone, but once I've got an abusive call, I won't answer my mobile to any number which is private. Hubby just lets all calls go through to his voice mail.

Ex has threatened to not let us have the kids until we've given her our number, but we have papers which state any numbers, change of addresses are to be notified 2weeks in advance - and there have been times we've had no idea where the kids are and how to get in touch with them.

If she had our home number, no guarantee we'd pick up if there was a chance it was her.

Now - as for your situation - I'm guessing your ex is like my hubby - would not pick up anyway, so getting the number is a dead end. (but then again, my hubby hasn't threatened to take off with the kids).

Most importantly though - :hugs: to you Ange - it's a tough time and as you say this relationship probably won't last (especially if she wants kids), and hopefully it collapses in time for Ben's dad to realise that he has to step up to the mark

[Chanelc]

I think you are entitled to his land line or any number when he has the children in his care and should be contactable in the event of an emergency. Just like we have to be reachable in the event of emergency.
Suggest you get legal aid and get orders in place as then the rules are set. Remember there are more changes coming in June 2007 - I am not sure of them all but I am advised to get my consent order done - still in progress..

[munchkin05]

i wonder what the changes are ????????????

[Chanelc]

All I know is one BIG thing my lawyer hinted at and that is come June/July 2007 (when it is passed) we can claim half their assets and vice versa - not just maintenance!! Regardless if we weren't married... mmm, wonder if the men know that

[pegasus]

All I know is one BIG thing my lawyer hinted at and that is come June/July 2007 (when it is passed) we can claim half their assets and vice versa - not just maintenance!! Regardless if we weren't married... mmm, wonder if the men know that

Better check with your lawyer - think he's having a lend of you...

Maintenance is about supporting the child, and this doesn't mention the assets at all. There were changes passed in July 2006 and January 2007, and the next changes are set to be passed in July 2008 - they are as attached: csa changes (http://www.csa.gov.au/bbcsa/stage3.aspx)

Anything to do with assets for the child should be written into the father (non-resident parent)'s will including things like super etc, and is completely up to that parent as to how he/she decides to leave things.

The only thing that I think your lawyer may be alluding to is the fact that your income will be taken into consideration at a more equal level as well as your ex's income, and capacity to earn.

[oleander]

All I know is one BIG thing my lawyer hinted at and that is come June/July 2007 (when it is passed) we can claim half their assets and vice versa - not just maintenance!! Regardless if we weren't married... mmm, wonder if the men know that

Oh great! I'll get half! Nothing + nothing = NOTHING:yelclap:

[pegasus]

Sorry - I posted about the new csa reforms - not the family court reforms.

Here's a summary of the changes due to be implemented by July 2008:
reforms (http://www.wlsq.org.au/documents/publicat/cle/Clients%20-%20Summary%20of%20Family%20Law%20Changes.pdf)

regarding costs for children - links to the csa reforms (http://www.familylawcourts.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/FLC/Home/Children%27s+Matters/Costs+of+maintaining+children/)

Again - I don't know that you are actually required to give a land line (particularly if you don't have court orders). As I've said - we have court orders, and half the time the mother of the children has the phone disconnected or changes the number without notifying regardless of the fact that it's stated in the court orders

[DustyPeach]

Yep Pegasus, and on top of that you have to take them to court for breach more $$$. If you call the police they say it is a family law court matter we can't enforce it. Unless it is a matter of the children not being returned from a visit. Then you still have to go to court to have the orders enforced. Just a frustrating situation. Orders = non residential parents right to make your life costley and hellish if they want to.