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fourdarlings

22-02-2007, 21:21

My mil and i have never seen i to i. Basically i'm not good enough for her ds.
We have been trying to set a date for a wedding for the past few years but it never seems to suit her, money etc.... And we always get the chats about how we don't need to get married, they wouldn't have if they didn't have to in those days:ecomcity: .
Her daughter is getting married in a few weeks and i just don't want to go. We are spending all this money for airfares to get there with the four kids plus accommodation.
And i have to deal with her undermining me. And commentating on the children. God help me if they misbehave.:(
We have been together for 12 years now. But he doesn't support me when she is around, he ignores it. Aghhh. It is so frustrating. I am dreading the trip. I have said that i won't be too involved with the in laws too much but some things you just can't avoid. obligations. It just hurts when he doesn't stand up for me and put her in her place.
Does anyone have 'issues' with their mil? Or can anyone give me some advice?

Much Apreciated:)

~Alicia

22-02-2007, 21:44

No advice from me sorry, just some :hugs: :hugs:

Naggy

22-02-2007, 22:18

Fourdarlings

I soooo hear you. Especially with the undermining part. What I find so annoying about my MIL is that she buys presents etc for my little one allll the time, and then when I try to discipline him she goes "oh let him have it (if he was screaming that he wanted something)". Yeah, that's really teaching him correctly. My MIL lives overseas and we see her for about 2 months at a time twice a year. We last went at Xmas and because we hadn't been for ages it was fifty times worse.

Our second is due in three weeks and I've been in hospital (as I fell and did the splits - bad idea), and as a result couldn't drive. I've had my mum staying with me for the last two weeks driving me around and she is bad enough (this is an entire posting on another thread).

I was so just planning to have these last few weeks as time to myself to get things sorted etc, then I find out tonight my MIL wants to come 10 days after the baby is born. Last time she stayed for 3 months. I couldn't stand it!!! Can you imagine her spoiling my first born because of all the attention on the new baby, and then, if it's like last time, giving all this advise on how my breast milk isn't filling the baby up etc. NO WAY. Besides the fact I want to do it on my own (so who cares if I don't get out of my pyjamas until 1pm), I just need the space especially after having my mum here.

I told my DH in no uncertain terms that if she comes I'm moving out. He is pretty good, but of course he wants her to come because she does lots of cooking and washing and ironing etc. I sound so selfish, to have virtually an unpaid slave and I don't want her, but I really just want to enjoy my baby without the stress of a third person in the house.

Naggy

Naggy

22-02-2007, 22:21

Fourdarlings

Just re-read my post and didn't find much advice in there for you, just want you to know you are not the only one in this situation (by the way we've been together 14 years and not married either, but that doesn't seem such an issue).

My only advise is to stand your ground. With my MIL undermining me when we were there at Xmas, I told her that it wasn't teaching my son a good lesson and wasn't fair to him. She just ignored me (how rude), so I repeated it. This time I'm going to stand my ground in that she can visit to see the baby but no 3 month long stay. I'm so sick of just giving in to her.

Naggy

Daddy2Angels

22-02-2007, 22:23

Beany

22-02-2007, 22:31

And we always get the chats about how we don't need to get married, they wouldn't have if they didn't have to in those days:ecomcity: .

Do you have my mother-in-law?

She said EXACTLY the same thing to me. Kept telling me how it didn't matter these days in one breath while telling me that if we were going to do it we had better buy a house and get lots of money saved up in the other.

We tried asking her that if marriage didn't mean anything why did we need to buy a house? She ignored us for a week :p

We then decided to get a quickie, no fuss registry office marriage and have a proper wedding reception a few months later when all of our friends and family (mine were all overseas) could come over. She completely took that over and insisted that the family be allowed to attend the marriage. Even though it didn't mean anything. And to my eternal fury, my stupid sodding husband caved and let her. So we had a registry office wedding that was just utterly naff and we couldn't do the reception thing like I wanted because it all got buggered up.

She also told us in no uncertain terms that we mustn't have children, that it would wreck our lives. As soon as I got pregnant, she tried to take over - booking me into a hospital in Brisbane (I live in Sydney) and booking me in for a c-section. I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. I told my husband then that if he didn't step up and support my decisions regarding this pregnancy (with the tiny little things like, you know, being able to have my baby naturally IN SYDNEY!) then he might as well start looking into how much alimony he'd be giving me. He stood up to her :D No contest really - who would you rather p!ss off? Your mother or your pregnant and hormonal wife?

Ah she's a bit of a dragon about some things, a bit of an insane old moo about others but she is generally a nice person and I really do like her - honest! I just wish she'd get the nutso side of her seen to.

damien's mum

22-02-2007, 22:35

I'm sorry i don't have any advice, just wanted to send you :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: And something works out soon :fingerscrossed:

fourdarlings

22-02-2007, 22:43

she buys presents etc for my little one allll the time.
I have that too. And i feel that she wants me to be sooo grateful for it, but it doesn't replace a relationship. I just get rid of some of them now as i have a minimum toy policy which she knows about and ignores.
giving all this advise on how my breast milk isn't filling the baby up etc
That is abusive. You don't need that when you have a new baby. You really need to set boundaries.
I wish it was all love and flowers etc.. but it's just not.
Nobody would have a slave that told them how to do things LOL.

How do you quote? I haven't worked that out.

And yeah, I totally agree with you Daddy2Angels. It - umbilical cord - is slowly and painfully being severed.

fourdarlings

22-02-2007, 22:53

Do you have my mother-in-law?

She said EXACTLY the same thing to me. Kept telling me how it didn't matter these days in one breath while telling me that if we were going to do it we had better buy a house and get lots of money saved up in the other.

We tried asking her that if marriage didn't mean anything why did we need to buy a house? She ignored us for a week :p

We then decided to get a quickie, no fuss registry office marriage and have a proper wedding reception a few months later when all of our friends and family (mine were all overseas) could come over. She completely took that over and insisted that the family be allowed to attend the marriage. Even though it didn't mean anything. And to my eternal fury, my stupid sodding husband caved and let her. So we had a registry office wedding that was just utterly naff and we couldn't do the reception thing like I wanted because it all got buggered up.

She also told us in no uncertain terms that we mustn't have children, that it would wreck our lives. As soon as I got pregnant, she tried to take over - booking me into a hospital in Brisbane (I live in Sydney) and booking me in for a c-section. I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. I told my husband then that if he didn't step up and support my decisions regarding this pregnancy (with the tiny little things like, you know, being able to have my baby naturally IN SYDNEY!) then he might as well start looking into how much alimony he'd be giving me. He stood up to her :D No contest really - who would you rather p!ss off? Your mother or your pregnant and hormonal wife?

Ah she's a bit of a dragon about some things, a bit of an insane old moo about others but she is generally a nice person and I really do like her - honest! I just wish she'd get the nutso side of her seen to.

I have been trying to do the same registry thing as you. But my dp wants to do it in style and of course wants his mum and dad there. I was thinking we could have a few receptions around the place cause everybody lives far apart.
I just want to have the same name as my kids and be official. It's probably not that important but it give us some kind of credibility in my mind.

Your mil sounds pretty full on. I'm glad you can see her good side too though. Wish i could say the same thing.

mum2bubba

23-02-2007, 08:57

Why are you even basing your wedding date around her? It is YOUR wedding (and your partner's) no one elses esp not your MIL's if she doesn't like the set date, stuff her.
As for your partner not sticking up for you I can relate, I have had problems with my SIL (she called child protection and tried to get her mitts on Hayley by telling them a bunch of lies) and all Grant says is "oh, well thats what she does, thats what type of person she is" WTF? If she is like this all the time (she has done this to other ppl too) then why is she getting away with it? Oh thats right because no-one puts her in her place. I am a shy person and I don't like confrentations (sp) but regardless of weather or not we can stick up for ourselves our partners damn well should hey? If my family did anything to upset Grant or my kids they'd cop and earful thats for sure. It just frusterates me that I have told him that I am upset and angry and he says things like "its not my problem" or "you work it out with her" Not my problem? Hello, she tried to have OUR daughter taken away and its not your problem?!?!
Anyway, sorry about my little rant (might actually go to the 'don't yell at your partner' thread pretty soon) just saying I know how you feel.
I hope you can set a date for your wedding and I hope your partner learns to stick up for you one day.

iluvmeboyz

23-02-2007, 09:40

i hope it all works out for you.

Trumpet

23-02-2007, 10:00

I know how you feel. Everytime my MIL comes to visit we have a run in, I do stand up for myself to her as she targets me when DH is not around and he never really new or understood how much it upset me until she did it in front of him one day.

After 7 years she we have a little run in everytime usually within the first hour and both say our peace then she tends to leave me alone for the rest of her visit as she knows I won't back down.

So all I can advise you to do is stick to your guns and DON'T GIVE IN and in time they will realise that it doesn't work anymore and if not then it's not your problem it's theirs. You are NOT a door mat so don't let anyone make you feel like or treat you like you are one.

Hopefully then your partners will see how bad it really is and do the right thing.

Bibs

23-02-2007, 10:39

:hugs:
I feel for you.

I try to be firm but diplomatic when I talk to my MIL and I repeat things lots of times. It's a good thing we don't see her much.

I do feel a little sorry for her sometimes as she's all alone and her own kids don't have much to do with her, only hubby makes some effort. It's really painful to be around her.

Good luck

ozzysmum

23-02-2007, 10:53

sorry no advice other than be stroppy and firm and stand up for yourself when you have the strength and energy. I avoided 90% of my MIL issues by moving 4500kms away - it's working out really, really well :D she won't come and stay with us for longer than a week because her "real" (ie, oldest, best, born to favourite son, in wedlock) grandson is in sydney. and now SIL is pregnant, hopefully she won't come and visit again as i would imagine from her previous record once SIL pops the two grandsons will cease to exist :rolleyes:

fourdarlings

23-02-2007, 18:38

[quote=mum2bubba;1145677]then why is she getting away with it? Oh thats right because no-one puts her in her place. I am a shy person and I don't like confrentations (sp) but regardless of weather or not we can stick up for ourselves our partners damn well should hey? If my family did anything to upset Grant or my kids they'd cop and earful thats for sure. It just frusterates me that I have told him that I am upset and angry and he says things like "its not my problem" or "you work it out with her" Not my problem? quote]

That is exactly it with me. Everybody tippie toes around her and she can be as big a ***** as she wants. She *****es about me, saying my family are stupid, and whatever else and makes it into a win lose battle of wills with her whole family on her side of course. I just couldn't be bothered trying to make them like me. I tried to stick up for myself once and had the whole family come down on me including dp.
If my partner has problems with my family i sort it out. No problems. But with his family he says it is between them and me. He has everything to do with it as he is blending us together. Also if I wasn't there he would have to take the **** from her but because i'm there it all falls on me. He always has trouble when he is there on his own.
I could go on and on but i'll stop my ranting.
I think he understands what is going on but he has said that before so i don't know whether to trust him. I really don't want to put him to the test actually in case he fails.

But anyway thanks for everyones posts your has been really supportive and helpful.

mumx3littlies

23-02-2007, 18:57

Hey guys this sounds like my MIL 2! God they are hard work arent they. I've been with my hubby for nearly 15 years and shes always been on my case (and SILs case as well!) My hubby has told her to cut the **** a few times and recently things really got bad. He told he in no uncertain terms that if she hasnt got anything positive to contribute that maybe she'd be better off not being a part of our lives cos we can do without all the negative stuf. Yay at least he finally told her - BUT - havent heard from her since so if you tell them where to go it cud be the last you hear from them!
:laughing: I think its a good thing in our case but still sad for the kids cos its their Nana they'll miss out on in the end. :confused:

My advice wud be stand your ground and dont let her takeover!!! Easier said than dun I know.

Pobblebonk

26-02-2007, 08:36

MILs are horrible, which is why I don't have one. She was a big contributing factor to why I broke up with the ex, as was his inability to stand up for us. He promptly moved back in with her, and since then (it's been nearly 2 years since we were together) he's not had the means at all to move out, and looks like he wont for a very long time. She likes to make sure he's in maximum debt and so can't afford to move out. I've NEVER known a parent to give such bad financial advice to their children before. She's a controlling, manipulating, cold cow.

She's a huge as a house, but will be the first person to comment on your post-pregnancy body!

She fully expects me to take my DS around to her house for visits, and will not come here. I don't like to because she believes that it's OUR JOB as the child's parents to teach the child not to pick up any of the dog poo that litters her verandah that she refuses to clean up. She also refuses to child-friendly her house, because its our job as the parents to stop them from drinking bleach or getting into cupboards, etc.

She maintains a level of 'control' over each of her children, usually it's financial, except for her daughter, who moved to the other side of Australia.

She doesn't like her daughters fiance, she calls him 'Scrubber' to his FACE, and even though she's been told otherwise by EVERYONE, she fully believes that this is acceptable and is ok with him!

She once told me that I must have had a "deprived childhood" because I took the ironing board and iron out of her closet-sized laundry and proceeded to iron in front of the TV (I mean, who wants to iron looking at a wall?).

She tried to control our wedding, and I mean CONTROL, which in the end, ended up being all about HER, so much so that I called it off. She wanted the guests to be 80% HER family, she TOLD people they were going to be my bridesmaids and flower girls, without discussing it with me first, and they were all SILs etc, and they would never have been my choice, she tried to refuse to allow me to get married in the dress I choose, she didn't like my flower choices so she rang the florist and CANCELLED it, she wanted her friend to be the photographer so she booked her, even though I already had a photographer, oh the list goes on and on.

Then when I got pregnant, oh, I'm not even going to TELL you what she did to me then.

One thing she did say to me though, which was one of the final straws, was that my ex had a credit card debt sitting at $3k, which he was only paying whatever amount it went OVER the $3k, so the monthly interest, to keep it 'going'. (I know, what a waste of money). I kept asking him to pay it off, but he wouldn't. I made about $10k more than ex in my job, which of course, I would have to take maternity leave from, and she told me that because he was going to be 'supporting me while I am not working' (um, yeah, coz I'm having a baby), then I WOULD OWE HIM MONEY, so why don't I just pay off his credit card for him to even the score of him paying for me to live?!?!?! Nu'uh. *shakes head*

I cannot STAND this woman. She ruined my relationship, and quite frankly, I believe she did me a favour, because if I had of married this guy, then I'd have to put up with her **** all the time.

fourdarlings

26-02-2007, 09:58

Just read your post 'Pobblebonk'. I feel a bit shaky. I just so relate to you and realise that if your partner doesn't stand up for you they are probably leaning more towards their mother than you and it may as well be over. Seems like he got what he wanted. Back in the nest. How sad!

It seems like they're like vampires feeding off the goodness in their childrens lives, sucking it all up. :rolleyes: That might be a bit dramatic. But they don't have any self control and just get worse and worse if they are not put in their place.

My first daughter died at birth - Poppy. When i was pregnant with my last child we dropped in to mil place for a couple of days. I mentioned that this baby was due on Poppy day and how special that was to me. Mil said, "I went to a psychic and she said Poppy is with 'my family' now in heaven. And her names not Poppy it's Emily." I thought o.k. let her have it. That's fine. Whatever. But then over the next half hour or less she said that same thing about 20 times, just saying it over and over like she wanted me to break. Which i did. We were out and i was walking with my dp crying. He was sympathetic to me but did not tell her off.

It's like she wants control over my dead daughter as well. Sick.

That same day she took my kids into a cake shop and bought a chocolate cake. After dinner my 6 year old daughter asked for some for dessert. Mil said no i bought the cake for the adults. dd was upset and she came to me and i said don't worry it's nanas cake, you'll be alright. Anyway dd was a bit upset about it for about an hour, and the chocolate cakes sitting there. Then mil says "ha, ha, i was only tricking you ella, of course you can have some cake"

Is that mind games or what!??

Pobblebonk

26-02-2007, 16:04

Then mil says "ha, ha, i was only tricking you ella, of course you can have some cake"

Is that mind games or what!??

OMG, what a B!TCH! Grandparents are supposed to want to see their grandchildren upset, and be the cause of it!

And yes, 4darlings... I guess his mother got what she wanted, her youngest son back in the nest, under her full control...

Milliner

26-02-2007, 16:17

Oh boy do I know how you feel!
With my MIl it's always like a competiton to see who can take DP on the weekend WTF???
If I have organised something then MIL will ring and want DP for something stupid like to plug a DVD player in or something, god forbid she do something for herself. He will drop everything and rush over there doesn't matter about our plans.

These are just a few of the comments that I have had from her.

When asked when I want another child I said this year and she said " NO in 5 years" hello my body not yours.

When I told her I was preg she said was it planned didn't you learn from last time, oh do you know what your in for.

She stopped me from getting my old job back.

Oh the list goes on but my preggo brain isn't really working today so I can't think of anything else atm.

Naggy

26-02-2007, 22:35

Pobbleblonk and fourdarlings - and I thought my MIL was bad, my goodness your two MILs sound like totally evil people. I bet if they're anything like I imagine, it wouldn't even occur to them that they're saying or doing anything wrong. That's the hardest part I find with my mum actually, it's like "did you just hear what came out of your mouth??" but apparently it just doesn't register with them.

How's this for my mum - my partner (of nearly 15 years) is Asian. My son (4) is therefore mixed. I was in the car with mum last week and this teenage boy who also happened to be Asian basically crossed the road in front of us without looking. Mum goes - wait for it "that's what gives slanty eyed people a bad name!!!". I go "mum, do you think it might be due to the fact that he's a teenage boy, not because of his race?!!!!". If she ever says anything like that in front of my little boy I will smash her.

But getting back to my MIL. See my post above - After having my mum here for two weeks due to me stupidly falling and being in hospital for 4 days and then not being able to drive, I'm quite ready to just have my own little family back in my own house. MIL rings and says she can come and help when the baby is born (she lives o/s) and I said no, thanks for the offer but I actually need some time and space to myself. Cop this - last night she rings and says she's booked on a flight to arrive 10 days after my bub is due!!!! Caused a massive fight with partner as he's saying "well I didn't ask her to come", but who am I going to take it out on. I can't believe that she went ahead and booked the flight when I told her I wanted to be alone. As if it's not stressful enough. Even better - she didn't tell us her return date, only that it's a "short time". I am not going to put up with her but don't know what to do. Am seriously contemplating moving into a serviced apartment for a while, what do you guys think? I can't stand having her tell me what's best for my 4 year old (who doesn't eat very well and she keeps going on about how he needs supplements - even though he's perfectly fit and healthy). Can you imagine what she's going to be like with another newborn? Nothing like the hell you two have gone through, but my own kind of nightmare, having your MIL move in when you get home with a new bub.

Naggy

fourdarlings

27-02-2007, 20:52

That is unbelievable what your mum said naggy. My own mums a bit like that - totally politically incorrect. It's like they are in their own world and no one else exists sometimes.

I honestly don't envy you having your mil stay. All I can say is make the most of what she has to offer and ignore the rest - if only I could do it myself.
I know all about the food thing. I pretty much totally breastfed my first for the first year - only giving him a bit of organic banana, avocado etc. Whenever she got her hands on him she would feed him everything under the sun, chocolate, custard etc. even after telling her we didn't want her to. she would always be making comments about food and him. Then my fil said "The first thing he will say (when he talks) is I'm Hungry" Aghhhh. He was such a fat, healthy, strong baby. That's when I thought i'd confront it and i said, what did you mean when you said that. The whole family came down on me including my partner. Don't talk to him like that etc.
Anyway, sorry, but it is good to hear that i'm not the only one.

Africamum

27-02-2007, 22:44

Hi,

I am not sure whose MIL has enranged me the most. Although both my own mother and MIL can have their moments.

Naggy - MIL coming to visit after you told her you needed space. I unerstand what you are going through atm and yes I would be getting a serviced apartment. I would be asking her to rebook her flight until after 4-6 weeks when you are comfortable with your new routine or something or whatever story I think is plausable.

We made it very clear to family that they were not to impose on our space. My mother who I have never been close to, wanted to be present at the birth....like hell.

And fourdarlings, your MIL feeding your child everything that you dont want. That would make by blood boil and I know that it is an issue that I am going to have when I go home to Australia in May. After telling my mother that I did not want DS to eat chocolates etc, she has told SIL that she will be meeting us at the airport with all sorts of goodies because I will be devpriving him and its her right as a grandparent.

And they wonder why we live in another country on the other side of the world

Naggy

01-03-2007, 11:39

All the MILs sound just unreal. Haven't heard from mine since she told us she booked the flights. I turn the phone off now every night at 9pm as she always rings about 10.30pm - like - work out the time difference (Malaysia) - 3 hours. It's not a hard calculation. Anyway, it's been good to have some peaceful evenings. Don' t think DH has worked out I've been turning the phone off!!!

I will be so close to saying either to my own mother or my MIL when they try to interfere next "you've had your turn, now it's my turn, I'm the mother, not you" or something similar. Which is true!!

The food thing is the worst. If I was worried or DH was worried or the doc was worried that's another thing, but to have your mother or MIL do all the worrying and then try to fix it is another story. How dare they put a single atom of food into our beautiful babies mouths that we don't want there!!!

The worst is when we went to Trescillian with our first born (stayed there for 2 weeks mind you because he was such a nightmare sleeper), anyway, it was so hard for us to not run to him every time he whimpered but had too because we were both dying because of no sleep. Only to find out that MIL had gone in and picked him up when we were thinking he was finally quiet - undone all the good work of Trescillian!!!! If she tries that trick again I will explode. As if we don't want to run in there ourselves, but to have someone push it in your face that you should be running in and cuddling your child is the worst kind of punishment imaginable.

Naggy

Meljem

07-03-2007, 15:49

Hmm... theres a lesson here for all of us... DONT MEET ANYONE :laughing:

Ok, sorry, just kidding... i can see where you are all coming from, i had one before, and she was shocking, i remember when i split from my ex, and i had the kids, and i did the best i could for them, made sure they could still see their dad whenever he was free, which wasnt often, funny about that, and i worked 4 days a week to support us. Then when there were functions at her house, i would always let the kids go, and when they got in the car after i picked them up, she would lean in the window and say "OH YOU POOR CHILDREN, WHAT HAS YOUR MOTHER DONE TO YOU AND YOUR LIVES, YOU POOR DARLINGS" i mean, this is whilst im in the car picking the kids up.

i was horrified, so i stopped taking them, and said to my ex, that if she wanted to see them, he could take them, and that from now on she could show some respect. it takes two in a relationship, i left out of mental abuse, and she always said to me, "well did he bash you"? and of course i said no, so she would say "well whats the problem, anything else you should just put up with" OH GOD!!!

Sorry, but had to get that out. Im re-married, to a wonderful man, but boy is his mum a pain in the butt too!!! :banghead: Even my DH hates going there, but he has children too, and she likes to see them. HMMM the joys of it all.

mamabearof3

07-03-2007, 16:16

You might be scared to get me started on this topic. So I'll go straight to the advice bit.
I recently got a book called "Toxic inlaws" the first half does go through different types of toxic in laws and the second half delves into different ways to handle them, stand up to them, get the message across and to enlist dh's support.
My dh is good and defends me to his parents now regardless of whether he agrees with me or not (that's for us to talk about later) all I did was remind him of what their undermining our relationship means. Pointing out to dh that she may not realise her constantly complaining about me to him undermines our relationship and she needs to be told that. He is waiting for the next complaint session now. Lets see how long it takes for them to do it, because they haven't gotten the message from dh that he doesn't want to hear it.

fourdarlings

08-03-2007, 19:05

Got to get that book. Thanks. I think strategies are good for handling the situation. You can't just pretend it's not happening and nag at you dh about i spose. Well it hasn't worked for me anyway.
I say to him now, who are you going home with -them or me- me obviously so you had better make sure i am respected, or you won't have a happy home.

I can't believe some of the stories. All MILs seem to have the same issue - that we are not good enough for their perfect sons. What's that syndrome - Oedipus?? or something. Mother loving the son too much.
I have given myself a harsh lecture already for when my sons get girlfriends. lol. i actually do have a special bond with them. i feel proud or something. o, ohh.

I am off to sydney on sat and all preparations with dp are in place.

Be strong:wave: