Upcoming EDD and Absent Partner

[MilkOnTap]

Hi ladies - the drama in the life of Ally's womb continues. Well - the drama isn't in the womb, but of course with the ADF - whats new :rolleyes:

My latest EDD is the 3rd June (though I still have 31st May in mind...)
My c/sect will be 2 weeks before EDD (approx 20-24 May)
Hubby goes away on the 1st June for a 7 week deployment.
He is also up for promotion in June sometime.

My Mum has just told me that its not confirmed that she can get time off work to come and see me when the bub is born. I have no support, physical or emotional in NSW.

Hubby reckons that if I get some appropriate paperwork indicating that I need him to be around for support for at least 4 weeks following the c/sect (one week in hospital and then 3 weeks at home) then he *may* be able to get posted off the ship and be replaced (though they're hesitant to do this because he is so darn good at his job they dont want to lose him)

My question - who should I speak to about this? What kind of paperwork should I get (am guessing something from my obs)? I'm already attending antenatal support classes because my hospital has identified that I'm at high-risk of developing AND and PND - should I mention this and get paperwork for that too?

Any help at all would be appreciated! Thanks in advance...

[RedPanda]

Is there any kind of support that the... hang on. I've forgotten the name of it, but it's initials and it's a support group for the families of armed forces members.

I'm sure you know it better than I do! Maybe they will have some ideas... Of course, I've also heard that they're useless.

Do you have any close friends nearby? Or a doula just in case your husband can't get to the actual birth?

:hugs: Hope you find some support Ally. Life after a baby can be tough (but also wonderful), so you will need some support. Even some counselling sessions may be a good idea, just to confide in someone how alone you're feeling. And you can always do that on bubhub too! Someone's always on here....

[Buddha Bubbas]

.
I have no support, physical or emotional in NSW.


sorry to hi-jack but

:eek: hun! yes you do! i am not far so i will do anything i can to help you, at any time :hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

Is there any kind of support that the... hang on. I've forgotten the name of it, but it's initials and it's a support group for the families of armed forces members.

...

Or a doula just in case your husband can't get to the actual birth?

Sorry - I should have mentioned this before - I have a doula for the c/sect itself - but no one who I can rely on for support daily...

Oh and DCO (Defence Community Organisation) are useless!!!


hun! yes you do! i am not far so i will do anything i can to help you, at any time
Ohhh - thank you so much :hugs: I cant rely on you ALL the time though!!! But I do expect a visit or two once bub arrives :yelclap:

[mummyof5]

Ally, for sure a letter from your obs, I'm thinking stressing the need to rest and recover from your c/s, as you have previous scarring...
I would get something in writing from the hospital if they have identified risk factors too, as you mentioned. I know DCO can be useless, but you need one of the social workers there on your side for this one, as they probably need to write a report to get anything to happen. If you are not happy with the last one you spoke to, talk to the other (there are usually 2 in each office). Make sure they are aware of your lack of family support after baby is born. Feel free to express your unhappiness about their service if you don't get what you need the first time - the only defence spouses I have ever known who get what they need are the ones who kick up one hell of a fuss!!:yes:
Is your DH on the promotions roster? If so, can't he be promoted into another job? I know you've probably talked to him already about this, just thinking outload, so to speak...otherwise can he ask to have a replacement purely for this deployment? Is this an exercise or operational deployment? He will probably have more chance of getting off an exercise.
And if this fails, i would be asking for defence to provide a home carer to come in for the first few weeks, to at the very least help with cooking cleaning etc (and give you some company:) ).
Don't know if I have helped at all, but will keep :fingerscrossed: you can keep him home for something so important. Good luck!

[MilkOnTap]

Thanks Mummyof5 - yes that has helped immensely!!

Unfortunately its a deployment that he is going on for the 7 weeks (does your hubby know much about Talisman??) I wish it were an exercise!!

The last DCO social worker who I tried to get help from was useless - and at the end I dont think she liked me very much. Even hubby said that the reports he got on HIS end at the time weren't good and HE thought that she didnt like me either!! :laughing: So will have to try and get a different social worker this time...

Its frustrating y'know - cause its not like we're trying to surprise them with this. We want to try and plan what we can now before the baby arrives and even though we feel that we're doing the right thing by the navy, we really aren't getting anything back.

I was thinking along the same lines of having defence supply a carer to come in every day for a couple of weeks - do you think this is a service that they would provide for me? How much shouting and screaming will I need to do for that?? :rolleyes:

[mummyof5]

I know where you are coming from...you try to do what you think will be in their best interests, and they don't give a rats, but then they whinge when things have to be organised at the last minute:banghead: .
The other thing is I would really pester DCO for their help, and I would definately be asking to speak to the other social worker, and let it be known that you and DH both got the impression with the first one that she didn't like you, and felt that was clouding her professional judgement. Also, hubby needs to pester from his end too. He needs to be letting his Divisional Officer know that he is REALLY stressed by the thought of you trying to cope alone without his or your families support while he is on deployment....maybe even throw in the idea that he might attempt to discharge at own request over this (hey, no one ever said he had to go through with it;) )...because his DO will have some input into the process too.
My DH just called and I mentioned this to him, as you do, and he said definately get hubby to whinge, complain, nag etc to his DO, as he is the serving member (and therefore the one they want to keep happy and employed:yes: ).
Keep me posted on your progress, and don't hesitate to yell out if you need anything, Greta is only 2 hours from Sydney!!!

[Olismum]

Hi Ally, I had a similar thing happen to me. My hubby was due to be deployed to Cambodia 2 days before my due date. I was at a brand new posting and didn't know anyone at all and all my family live in South Australia. You need to go in and speak to the base chaplain, they will be able to speak to the officers in charge of the deployment. In some cases you do need to have a follow up appointment with DCO and then your hubby has to sign all the paperwork. Most units will bypass all of this if your hubby follows the chain of command and asks to be taken off the deployment for personal reasons and then he is replaced by someone else in his unit, but that is at the descretion of the unit. I would make an appointment to see the chaplain asap as they have alot of pull when it comes to things like this.

[Jinglebells]

Pink Lady, the same thing happened to me with I had DS two, DH was off to afghanistan practially as soon as I had him, thank god DS arrived on time otherwise DH may not have been at the birth

my DH was away up untill DS turned 8mths, It was though, and I had no support, although with you, you will need it after a c-sect

get a letter from you OB stating when the c-sect will be and how long you will need your DH for after, and hopefully your DH can get of work and not go away

got my fingers crossed for ya that he does

[MilkOnTap]

I just got off the phone to DCO. They told me...

A) Hubby has to go via his DO and get them to then follow it up. I know he has been chatting with his DO about it but nothing has been really 'begun' so he needs to get his DO to submit something to get DCO to check out the situation :ecomcity:

B) I have no choice but to follow up with the rude social worker who I have dealt with in the past :banghead: I'm not happy about this AT ALL - but will try and co-operate for the time being. If I feel that she is not doing all that is in her power to assist us appropriately then I will demand to referred to another social worker.

C) IF the situation were to arise whereby hubby isn't home for the c/sect or to help out afterwards, apparantly defence WONT provide a carer or nurse to come to my home. They will pay for my Mum to come up from VIC (which is unpractical since she works F/T and doesn't even know if she can GET time off work anyway)

So, I'll wait for the phone call from the ol' bat social worker tomorrow and then see what to do from there. I'm guessing that I should get a letter from my obs indicating the kind of care that I will require following a c/sect and it probably wouldn't hurt to get a letter from my antenatal support group leader indicating that I will need emotional support on-hand too (since they have already identified that I'm at risk of PND).

ETA - Just to throw yet another spanner in the works, hubby is due for promotion in June, at about the same time that I need him home! He will probably be given the option to either get a shore posting immediately, OR stay on his ship (which is going in for a 9 month refit from Sept AFTER the 7 week deployment). Of course we would prefer he stay's on the ship (the sea allowance whilst in re-fit will definitely help with a new bub) but I wonder if maybe applying for a shore posting immediately would be the wisest thing to do. Apparantly if he takes the shore posting then he *may* get 3 weeks of leave prior to his new posting, which would fall in approximately the same timeframe that my c/sect will be and when I'll need the most amount of physical support.

[tootiredtosleep]

We applied for a compassionate posting and got letters from a specialist and my GP. I think that you would at least need something from your doctor. Get as many things as you can, even if they dont seem relevant, defence LOVES paperwork!

Dh went to his boss and put it across from his point of view - ie he didnt think that he would be able to cope because of me & DD. He made it about him, rather than about me.

I'm not sure if that would be the right approach for you. But perhaps DH can see his boss and explain that he needs the time with you and the baby, that HE couldnt cope with the thought of you been alone, that he wouldnt get much done at work anyway.

I hope it all goes well for you.

[tootiredtosleep]

Forgot to add that you may be able to organise follow up care through your hospital. When I had a csection they offered me a cleaner for 2 weeks!!! Since DH was home I didnt take them up on it, but it was available.
I'm sure that they could arrange a middie to visit you a few times too.
That was in Vic, so I'm not sure if its the same here. They had heaps of support services that I never even knew existed. Ask your hospy or child health nurse (call your local council)

[MilkOnTap]

Get as many things as you can, even if they dont seem relevant, defence LOVES paperwork!
Yeah they do - crazy huh... Okay - so as many pieces of paper as possible - roger!


...you may be able to organise follow up care through your hospital
Thats not a bad idea - will have to follow that one up :yes:

[Wish_Bear]

Wow the Navy are a pack of ********!!! Was just asking DH about Talisman and he said your DH should be able to get off as it is your first child and you are having a c sect.

I was seeing a lady named Leigh Roulsten and she was quite good. Maybe give her a call and tell her the problem and see what she can do. But like all DCO people, they can't do much until the ship sends something out :banghead:

You are really in one of the best positions to have him home and there is not a lot they can do to keep him, aside from being a**holes!

I agree with the post that said PAPERWORK!! Get as much as you can from the hospital, obs, etc etc and get it to DCO. They try and stonewall but keep at them.

DH was sent away 10 days before DD was born but she came the night he left, so he missed her birth by an hour and a half. It was awful so you need to fight, claw, spit and whatever it takes to get your DH there with you. And it's his right, the Navy should not be putting him in such a horrible position.

[Strawberry_Shortcake]

Hello Ally

My hubby is in the defence force and I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My dh just went back to work this week after having 7 whole weeks off.

Your DH should be entitided to 2weeks carers leave and 2 weeks parental leave. What you need to do is

Get a doctor certificate stating your not allowed to do anything in the last 2 weeks of your pregnancy due to your delicate condition and also state that your not allowed to drive for 6 weeks after a c section.

I hope that helps you. Let me know how u go.

Cheers
Kel

[MilkOnTap]

FINALLY! SOME GOOD NEWS!!! :yelclap:

I just got an email from hubby saying...

"I have some good news. I had a chat to those who hold my life in their hands and it looks like i should get june off. Apparently they had the same talk we did. They realised you will need my care and support and we needed more than just two weeks off. Instead i will get 5-6 weeks. Using the system to my full advantage i will only lose about 20 days leave therefore i'll still have a few for a rainy day. Exact dates are not confirmed but i will not have to go back to work until the ship comes back to Sydney."

I am soooo relieved... this solves so many problems.. I think I'm going to cry!!! :o

[Kizmet]

That is sooooooo great hun :smiliedance: :smiliedance: :smiliedance: :smiliedance:

[mummyof5]

Yippee Ally, that is the best news in ages :yelclap: - now sit back and enjoy the next 3 months!!!:yes:

[MilkOnTap]

I'm so excited - but still not holding my breath. Apparantly the leave form is all signed, but no dates have been added yet - kind of like a signed blank cheque!!

I think I'll be most happy once baby is here and hubby is still home with me - then I'll KNOW for SURE that he isn't going anywhere :hug: