When the Honeymoon is over...

[MilkOnTap]

Okay - before anyone begins reading this, please understand that I'm pregnant, my hormones and emotions are all over the place, and that I'm probably being completely irrational. Proceed.

I love my husband without a doubt - but last night was the first time that I had actually spoken to him in just over a week and the conversation was quite... forced. It had been a pretty full on week where we had no communication (even via email), I made a decision to fly i'state for a few days without being able to discuss it with him, I wound up going into hospital while i'state (everything is okay), and I had to rely and depend solely on myself.

After I go through these moments when I have to rely on myself and not depend on hubby for a single thing (except finances of course) I sometimes find myself wondering why I married him.

He is a beautiful man with a heart of gold, he is so excited about becoming a daddy soon, he bends over backwards for me to make sure I am comfortable and have all that I need - so to say that all my needs aren't being met would be selfish.

I want him to be home, I want to 'feel' married; not just wear a wedding band. I want to have a 'normal' relationship (whatever the hell that is) but right now I dont feel anything. I feel kind of numb to the fact that I AM in a relationship and that there are TWO people IN this relationship.

I sometimes wonder if I'm falling out of love with him. On the outside our relationship looks perfect. We are similar enough to make the relationship work, but different enough to always have something new to discuss. I can talk to him about anything and everything and trust him to keep it to himself. We have the same ideals and dreams about raising a family. We share the same morals and values. But there is a point where I have to wonder if I am doing this because its comfortable and the 'right' thing to do, or if it is really because I love him.

We have been together for just on 3 years now and I wonder if this is because maybe the 'honeymoon' period is finally coming to an end? I've never been in a relationship for this long before (and of course being married dont plan on being in another relationship ever again) but because I've never experienced this before I dont know what its like. Is this normal? Are these feelings valid? Maybe my pregnancy hormones are making me over-analyse things? Perhaps my instincts to be strong and independant for the sake of my baby have overtaken everything else whilst feeling temporarily 'abandoned' by my husband?

Has anyone else felt like this and got through it? How did you deal with it?

[bekkyboo]

Ally, if you have been together for 3 years and the honeymoon is just ending, WOWZA! That is one awesome relationship you have there!

I think more than anything you are just feeling lonely, and that is made worse by being pregnant. It must be encrediably hard when he isnt there alot... I admire your strength to have come this far, i know i wouldnt have been able to.

Maybe dicuss your fears about doing so much on your own with him....




Or maybe a career change???


:hugs: babe - you guys are fine and you are doing a great job!

[Lirael]

:hugs::hugs: I dunno how you can stand being a defence wife. I am a defence kid and it sucked. my mum was always alone. which is probably why she got to the point where she divorced my dad.

its understandable you feel this way, especially being pregnant. It must be so hard for you. pregnancy is a time where your feelings will be magnified. you just want him there, to share in this miraculous and special occasion.

I dont *think* you are falling out of love, I think you are questioning if you can do this essentially alone, because he is a lot of the time not going to be there. its normal to think that way.

maybe hubby had a bad day, or was not in private when you spoke, maybe he is feeling guilt for not being there with you. the birth is getting closer, he could be a little daunted by it. maybe he does not feel as 'involved' as you, because he is not pregnant(:p obviously) or really there all that much to participate.

and yeah, things change when you get this far into a relationship(especially married and with a baby) not to mention the other things you have both been through in the 3 years. its all normal.

you are not being irrational:hugs:

[shed]

Babe, I think its just a part of nesting, to question the relationship you are bringing your child into. I really think you are just trying to get your house in order so to speak.

I don't think you are falling out of love, i don't think you are overreacting. When i was in labour I made DP basically set the date for our wedding between contractions!! I just had this overwhelming urge to get it finalised before bubby arrived. Kinda left it to the last minute LOL but that's typical of me!

My contractions had slowed down and my doula said to me "is there something bothering you?" and that was what it was. Once we had discussed it my labour went full steam ahead and bubby was born soon after. (poor DP, talk about ambushed, ha ha)

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you because I think you are just being a good mum, preparing the 'emotional' nest for your liddle chicken.

Good luck. I don't have any logistical advice about how you can fix it, I just wanted you to know you're normal!!

[kymmy]

Nesting! Like Shed says. That was my instant thought. I think its maternal instinct that you want everything settled for when bub comes - its only natural.
I think that is all I want from hubby - support in me as a mother.

[threepigs]

You sound like you're pretty good to me - I always wonder why people think that if something feels "right" and "comfortable" that this somehow equates to it not being good enough:confused:

My dh and I went through a huge re-evaluation of our relationship after 7 years. It was awful, I started to look at him as if OMG this is IT for the REST OF MY LIFE!!:eek:

But once we had a mature conversation about sharing the same values, dreams etc (all the things you mentioned you and your dh share) we were able to recommit to the relationship. Then we got married, then we had dd Valentine

Relationships, even the great ones, take a bit of work, and the when you aren't taking the time to connect with someone you naturally start to drift apart. You guys just need to reconnect a bit that's all. And yes, the pg hormones will doing crazy things :yes:

[ElizaDee]

I don't think you are falling out of love with him at all. I remember feeling this way when I was pg and DH was travelling a lot.

You become more self sufficent because you have to, you can't get him to always put the bins out, fix this, or fix that for you. You have to do it. So you wonder is this what single life is like?

When he comes home again things will be normal ( a home variation of normal) and you will remember why. Until then its like you are two single close friends.

There were times when DH called that we had nothing to really tell each other, still happens, I sort of have my own life for three days I get to do whatever I like. Then he comes home there is a bit of adjustment but then I remember what it is like to have him home and I like it.

So don't stress, its totally normal :)

[Trumpet]

I agree totally with what emevity has said and I too think you should discuss how your feeling with your husband when he comes home. When you get married your priorities change a little but when you have babies they change all over again so maybe you are thinking about what it is going to be like without him there all the time too.

[MilkOnTap]

Thanks for the reassurance ladies. I'm sure its just because I'm alone right now - and I know that for the first 2 months of my bubs life I'll be doing it pretty much on my own. I guess I'm just evaluating life the way it is and the way its going to be and trying to plan and prepare.

I dont know if I should try to talk to hubby about this. He doesn't get home for another 4 weeks, and trying to discuss something like this over email (or the occasional phone call) will only end in disaster. I think maybe I'm best just to leave it for now...

[LittleBoysRock]

:hugs: Ally, although it isnt much fun questioning your marriage, I honestly think that every pregnant woman at some stage questions her relationship.

Obviously in your case it is amplified as your DH is away heaps. I think maybe you should just sit down with DH when he gets home and let him know how your feeling, it will make you feel lots better being open and honest with him. :)

[Pixie]

I have been with DP 9+ a bit years we are not always in love with each other there are times where he wants to walk away, and times I want to walk away as well. It's all part of it I think.

[reAllytee]

Ally you gorgeous thing :hugs: :hugs:

Best thing ive ever heard & it came from an old couple married 50yrs & why their marriage had lasted :

" Because we never fell out of love at the same time, so one was always fighting "

Its very true ...
I went through a period of time last year where i thought this is it its all too hard with all that was happening & to be truthful i fell out of love. The thing was DP didnt & he made a conscious effort every day to make me realise what we had. One day i realised what it was that we had & i thought " wow am i an idiot for wanting to throw this away ". So i decided to fight too & have never looked back.

Its all nice & well for us brought up by a society that shows us our romance, soppy movies that we imagine thats what love should be like but the truth is it isnt.
If you want a happy ending it doesnt just happen, you have to fight for it !

I can only imagine what you go through & have told you this when we have spoken many times how i think you are amazing. My mum & sister suffered with their hubby's in the navy ( dad was merchant though ) being away from them is so darned hard. My mum even used to joke at times she counted the days down when my dad was going back to sea so she could do things how she wanted heh.
You are stronger than you realise & while its hard he is away, i have never seen another couple as in love as you two.
Dont give up on that :hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

You are stronger than you realise & while its hard he is away, i have never seen another couple as in love as you two

Awww Ally - you are so beautiful :hugs:

You know - late last night hubby and I got to talk for close to an hour and a half and I cried for pretty much the whole phone call!! We talked about everything that has been on my mind (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=71060), and began to discuss how he can be home for his son's birth.

I think that yesterday I was really just missing him, and trying to work out how to deal with it. And definitely a bit of 'emotional' nesting was thrown in there too!!

Its hard to think straight when there is so much going on in your life - but your still bored from day to day! All these up-coming events, what-if's and what-about's that make me question who-am-I, where-am-I and what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here tend to get on top of me; all I need to learn is how to throw them down and get back on top of them.

Thanks again for your support ladies - I really do appreciate your kind words (and reassurances that I'm not losing my mind!) :yes: :hugs:

[rynosmum]

Ally, the fact that you are married to a wonderful man who loves you and is to be the father of your gorgeous baby boy, really means the world.

I can't imagine how hard it is when he is away so much but the fact that your reunions are always so wonderful and your plans for the future with your child are so strong is something that many women would give the world for.

Remember, it won't be like this forever.:hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

Shed - you were right. It was nesting! :yes:

As soon as I sorted through the issue of not knowing if hubby will be here for the birth (just happened overnight would you believe!) I am feeling SO much better and a lot less clouded...

Last night I got an email from hubby saying...

"I have some good news. I had a chat to those who hold my life in their hands and it looks like i should get june off. Apparently they had the same talk we did. They realised you will need my care and support and we needed more than just two weeks off. Instead i will get 5-6 weeks. Using the system to my full advantage i will only lose about 20 days leave therefore i'll still have a few for a rainy day. Exact dates are not confirmed but i will not have to go back to work until the ship comes back to Sydney."

What a relief :yelclap:

[mum33]

relationships are never easy, they require hard work to keep them together.

i know its really hard being away from your partner when he is away working for so long, especially whilst you are pregnant.

and being away for so long makes things difficult in your relationship. DP and i often have trouble communicating in our relationship right now because of him being away so long we are sort of out of touch with each other iykwim. he goes away for 10 or more days and comes home for 2 and it seems that all we do is fight.

i wish i wouldve known all this about you when we met up that day, we would have had a lot to talk about with each other. i can totally understand how you are feleing right now. i am just lucky because DP comes home more often but i still go through all the emotions you do.

sometimes i wonder if its how i am really feeling or am i overreacting because its pregnancy hormones.

but i can imagine it would be harder for you because this is your first pregnancy.

lots of :hugs: and i hope things are going better for you.

[Becteria]

Ally that is great news about Green man getting June off! what a relief!

Every couple i know question there relationship occassionally. I have done so and realised that again and again he is the man i love above all others.

When my DH worked nights i felt similiarly to you - like what is the point if we arent living our lives together.

You will find a way and remember its quality not quantity!!!!!!! :hugs: