Separation Issues

[JnA]

Mummy's having separation issues. Jade is just over three months old and I haven't left her for a second. Her cot is still in our room, and I can't bring myself to move it to her room, even though she is sleeping beautifully (ten hours a night on average).

The very thought of leaving her with someone (even my most trusted family members) scares the bejeebies out of me, even for a quick trip to the shops.

I dread the thought of going back to work.. (I don't *have* to, but it's there when I want to).

When someone else is holding her (besides me or my partner) I am like a hawk, watching them, my heart rate increases and I can't calm down until I have her back in my arms.

I am totally lame.. some of my family tell me that I should be 'going out for me' and 'taking a break'.. but the truth is I don't want to take a break, I don't want to go out 'for me' (whatever that means).

I don't know if I should be worried that I am being a little too possesive or psycho about her... so when does the cot go in her own room? when do I leave her with someone else? When do I need to see a psych about this?

Help!

[dormouse]

I think it's lovely that you can't get enough of her!
Ava is also just over 3 months & I have left her with my parents a couple of times. (Once overnight which was scary!)
I am very wary about leaving her with anyone other than my parents tho. I have had plenty of offers to babysit, especially my very clucky, very pregnant sister & my MIL, but I havent been able to bring myself to do it as yet. Mailnly I think because MIL doesnt pay any attention to my routine & just does what she feels like.
My BIL is having a birthday party this weekend & I am going to leave her with someone while we go to that. I figure that if I do it once & everything goes ok, then I will feel better about doing it again.
Maybe you should just leave her with someone you really trust for an hour or so to start with & go from there. You might end up really enjoying yourself & want to do it again!
Then again, if you're not ready & dont feel the need for alone time, I wouldnt worry about it.

[wattle]

Oh Tash, that is so normal. Repeat after me "I AM NORMAL". :D

Your little bub is so precious, you are just being a good mum. You do it when you're ready. It's OK.

I'm sure nearly every mum feels that way. We moved the bassinet from our room into the hall for a few nights, then into the next room etc. We just took it slowly.

It might be good to leave Jade with your partner and go on little trips with a friend - a short shopping trip, even a walk around the streets with a friend just to get used doing your own thing. It's important to have a little bit of 'you' time.

Maybe then a family member can look after Jade in your home while you and your partner go out for a short time.

It takes time so relax and enjoy little Jade. She will only be tiny for a very short time.

[Rockett]

Hi jaderocks
I am exactly the same as you! The longest I've left DD is for about an hour with her daddy,and even then I rushed home.I haven't left her with anyone esle and I don't intend to either,not until she's a lot older.I just can't do it!
I also get the "but what about time to yourself?" speil,but honestly,I don't need that!! I cherish every second with my girl,she's growing up so so fast.
I didn't put her into her into her own room until she was 5 months old,and that was hard too.
Don't worry about what people say,I don't! :D

[Manxie]

Hi Jaderocks

I too watch my bubs like a hawk when she is being held by someone else and get the increased heart rate etc, thought it was just me :D She is now four months and I am starting to get a little more relaxed.

Dont feel pressured into leaving her with someone. I was starting to think maybe I should leave bubs while DH and I go out one evening but I've realised that I am only thinking this as its what I feel I "ought to be doing". I am not going to be pushed into it and I'll wait until I feel we are both ready. I do leave her for short periods with DH while I go swimming but at the moment that its.

Good luck and do what feels right, they are only little for such a short time :D

[JnA]

thanks for the replies.. whew! It's a load off my mind that I'm not the only one *repeats 'I am normal' ;) *

I just have no idea if anyone else can look after her as well as I can (well, of course they can't!) but I know there is going to be some stage when I will have to leave her.. I just don't want it to be *soon*

I feel a little less abnormal now.. thanks again :)

[JATS]

My son is 5 months old and my hubby wants me to leave him with someone to go to his work party as we can't take him in (don't know why, apparently not a baby friendly event) and got very annoyed with me when I said if Tommy can't go I won't go.

I can't leave him for that long, he's at the age now where if I leave him with hubby like to have a shower or go to the shop or whatever he frets for me, hubby has trouble keeping him content for more than an hour at a time, if we both left he'd be inconsoleable by the time we got back (5-6 hours later!) I just can't do that to him, he needs to know we'll be there when he needs us!

In trying to convince me, last time we were at my father in laws hubby wanted me to try leaving him with father in law for a while and have both of us leave the room, saying "he'll be right"

We snuck out, after 5 min Tommy realised we weren't there and got agitated, very quickly he became very upset! Hubby stopped me from going to him "he'll settle down". After 20 min screaming that absolutly broke my heart I went in, he was blue in the face, he'd clawed deep gouges in his face, was having trouble breathing and looked terrified. After I picked him up it took almost 2 hours to settle him, he clung to my neck and wouldn't let go, and he didn't let me put him down for the next 7+ hours.

Since then hubby sort of agrees we can't leave him long enough for the work party, but he's still anoyed about it :rolleyes:

[katesmom]

My dd is 2.5 and has never been to a sitter or stayed with relatives - mainly because they live a long distance away and we don't know anyone we trust in town. I do get two hour breaks when I leave her with dh to go to the laundry mat, but I am happy to see her when I get home. At 2 though, she's at the age, where occassionally I really need a break to cool off - especially on those tantrum days.

At only 3 months, I'd say you're very normal. By the time, she's 2, you'll want a few minutes to yourself every now and then - especially on those days when she throws fits all day, squirts ketscup on the sofa and beats up the cat. ((hugs)) Enjoy her babyhood, it's over all too soon and before you know it, they're coloring on the walls and pouring your favorite hand lotion down the tiolet.

[cobysmummy]

i was like that too... am stil abit weary of people when they hold him!...

now hes 8 months and i am more relaxed... but will only leave him with my mum or his daddy...

he fell asleep once and i went to a friends house and so he slept in my mums room and i was still paranoid when i got home even though he was still in the house! thats lame!

i also think that other wont respect my routine or look after him appropriately so thats why i only let my mum...

i have left him breifly with my sisters just to get the other form school or something...

it will calm down... but i understand how you feel... when Coby was a newborn i just wanted him to be held by me... noone else does it like a mummy hey!

[Sarie]

I can count on one hand the number of times I've left my kids with someone else (Nathan will be three in April) and it's usually only been for weddings or events that we couldn't take them to. My inlaws had my two boys for two nights in practise for me being able to enjoy the wedding the following week and I cried and missed them the entire time they were gone.
I don't get me time, if I did I would spend it missing them too much to actually use the time to my benefit.
Believe me I do get frustraited with Nat at times as he's going through that 2year old stage and when we're both tired and cranky we feed off each other. But I would still have our fights every day rather than give him to someone else to look after.

[MariaO]

Hi,

We slept in the Aoife's room until she was nearly 7 months, even though I was threatening to move back to our room from about 4 months.
We moved out because she was waking during the night so that the person settling her could do it without waking the other. I remember fretting when we first moved back to our bedroom, the next morningn though I leapt out at the first sound from the baby monitor. She was happily playing in her cot trying to tear some soft toy apart.

[Sarie]

Wait till Logan's born hon. I didn't think I would miss them as much as I do. But you'll understand what we mean the second you lay eyes on him. :)

[MariaO]

Hi Neaby,

I think the point, for me at least, was my separation anxiety, not my babies.
I don't really think that babies less than one year old are walking over anybody.
I think that most people deal with this separation anxiety in their own time and way.

[wattle]

I didn't think it would be difficult to leave my bub with others before he was born - now I feel differently. It's amazing how much your world really changes when they come in to the world.

[JATS]

Who cares if Ur baby gets a little bit upset when U leave them for a while....

Ummm..... as a mother, ME!! You'd have to be pretty slack not to care if your baby was in distress. And I wasn't talking about him being a 'bit upset', he was hysterical, which is unhealthy for a baby.

My son is at the age where most babies go through a stage where they latch on to their main carer. I follow attachment parenting, where if your baby cries, you respond to him asap, my choice, that and it's been shown leaving a baby to cry can cause psychological disorders and developmental issues later in life :rolleyes:

Not a good idea to belittle other peoples choice of parenting techniques, you can put your 2 cents in without doing that.

[indian mom]

Hi everyone
While I was reading all of urs quotes I was just wondering that whether this seperation anxiety has any solutions.

I too suffer from this.My DD is 19 months old n has never been left alone with anyone n now she's so ...(I don't know what to write). So much new is happening to her everyday.I don't want to miss any bit of it but then again sometimes she throws such tantrums that I just want to run out of the mess.If she does not see me for even 5 min. (even in the home but another room)she starts crying n is unable to be consoled till i come n pick her up.


I really want her to be independent atleast a little bit.Please can anyone tell me what should be done so that everything is normal again for me n for her.

Thanx

[wattle]

Sometimes when we post things that we feel strongly about, people interpret them differently to what we meant.

I think that Jaderocks started this thread to see whether other mums feel the same way she does about anxiety leaving bub with other people - and the answer is yes and no. Some do, and some don't. We all do things differently, there is no right or wrong.

Neaby your point was valid, but perhaps it was the way you said it that some people felt a little upset about. I think the discussion was generally about young babies, whereas perhaps the child you mentioned were a little older (correct me if I'm wrong).

Anyway we're just here to support eachother, so let's make our points as pleasantly as possible. :D

[MariaO]

Hi Indian Mom,

Do you have friends or family that you really trust here that you could maybe ask to assist you with this. Perhaps that would allay a part of your anxiety and help you to deal with your babies.

Alternately have you spoken to your Early Childhood Nurse (if she is sympathetic - I know a lot of posters here have had issues but the ladies at my local clinic are non judgemental and helpful).

I am afraid I am not very helpful (again) - hopefully some of the ladies here will have more constructive advice

[JnA]

"I think that Jaderocks started this thread to see whether other mums feel the same way she does about anxiety leaving bub with other people "



This is true. My baby has no anxiety about things (that I can tell at this early stage) and would probably be quite happy left with someone else, or sleeping in her own room.. the problem is not with her, it's *me*.

I have the anxiety problem.. that doesn't mean I pick her up at the first sign of a cry, or mollycoddle her to a point of never being able to put her down (if I did that, I'd never be able to post here)... I was just asking if a physical reaction (increased heart rate) to others holding my baby was on the scale of 'normal' or should I contemplate seeing someone about it...

[JATS]

I think its normal, hubby wanted me to do the grocery shopping the other day, leaving him with Tommy for a few hours, I couldn't do it. I hate being seperated from him.

I don't have my licence so can't go shopping whenever, a friend was going to town and offered me a ride. Judging from hubby's reaction to the prospect of not having to come shopping I think I'll hold off getting my licence a bit longer :p that way he has to come wether he likes it or not :D

I think its just maternal instinct, combined with raging hormones!

[Rainbowbrite]

Oh I am soo glad I found this thread. I have people constantly telling me I need ME time. I even started a thread today because I was told again to start her on formula so that i can leave her with people. BUt reading this i see i'm normal. I hate the thought of leaving MJ, even with DH. She's only a baby, and will only be a baby for a little while longer. I'm also an attachment parenter who will not let MJ get upset. Thats what scares me about leaving her.

Thanks to Jaderocks for starting this thread, you've made me feel normal reading everyones posts :D

RB

[Crazy Monkey]

My DS is 6.5 months and I haven't left him with anyone... I can totally understand your feelings.. My DH wanted to leave DS with his parents while we went to a friends house, I got to the car and started crying, I just couldn't go... The only time my mum has watched him was when I needed to go to the shops and DS was sleeping (although when I got home, he had been screaming since I left)..

My MIL & FIL dont spend much time with DS as they are too busy doing things at home.. They come for 5-10 minutes, play with him and then leave.. So I am totally not comfortable with leaving DS with them... What will they do with him when they need to have a smoke?? And they really dont listen to anything we tell them so they wouldn't follow any routine we set.. Sorry for having a winge, this probably isn't the right place...

Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand, I think it is totally normal to not want to leave your baby...

As to when you should move the cot, I moved D at about 4-4.5 months and thats only because he out grew the bassinet and our room is too small to put the cot in.. It was hard the first couple of nights, but I have the angelcare monitor with the senor pads, so I felt safe he was OK..

Do what feels right for you and dont worry what others have to say..

[JnA]

I spoke to the CHN about this.. she is referring me to someone else. A counsellor I think. Apparently I have underlying factors at play here, and if I don't address them it will only get worse.
I'm worried that my reactions ate going to rub off on Jade.. I don't want her to be anxious about going to other people. *I* don't want to be anxious about it either.. maybe it'll help, but if this counselling session is formulaic crud, I'm dealing with it, or not, myself. :(

and the cot stays in our room. :cool:

[Rainbowbrite]

I'm the same, so was my sister. She never left my neice with anyone until she was over 2yo. My neice is now a normal 12yo girl.

Oh and MJ is still in my room, just the way DH & I like it :) She can have her own room when she goes into her big bed :p

RB

[Jadesmum]

hi there, don't be concerned at all. It's the natural instinct to want to protect your baby. Don't let ANYONE force you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Jade is your main priority now! My Jade has just turned two and I can tell you that obsessive feeling does wear off after time! He's in his own bed now, in his own room! But he still hasn't stayed away from home and I don't see that happening anywhere near in the future. My mother in law wanted to take him on her own in his pram to a caravan and camping expedition where there were cars and vans everywhere and she would have had to cross a busy part of the pacific highway to get there!!!!!! I just said no, i'd rather he stay here with us. She brought it up again a few months ago how (quote) 'I'm not even allowed to take my own grandson for a walk'. So i just said nicely but firmly that he's our son so we make the decisions. Take care, be strong, be easy on yourself and enjoy Jade as the time passes so quickly xxxxxxx

[JnA]

You ladies make me feel so normal. Thankyou so much for your input and stories.

The session with the councillor went ok.. she said something that made the proverbial penny drop with one of the issues I have. Over the last couple of days I have been letting my mum hold and cuddle Jade without taking her back after a couple of minutes. Yesterday she cried and I just let my mum deal with it! (that was a huge step for me!) Even though my heart was beating so fast, I know in my head that I needed to let go just that little bit. It may sound silly and possessive - but who can argue with emotions really?

Anyway.. one step at a time. I'm not nearly ready to move the cot or leave her with anyone, but at least I can deal with her being in someone elses arms for a bit now.

Thanks again for making me feel 'normal'. :)