Are my feelings normal??

[kewlchicmum]

Hello everyone :wave:
Are my feelings normal I will try and explain what I kinda mean I have been with my DH or two years now and he has a DD who is now 5 we got married this year Jan and we just had a DS in Jan as well now his x is in a relationship and she has had a DD to her partner who just turned 1 I think and my DH works away fly in fly out 2 weeks on 2 weeks off when he is home we have his DD for a week so the other week its us now this is not much time together so maybe thats part of my feeling but since having our DS I feel different to his daughter I dont treat to badly or any thing like that and I am more her friend then step mum and would never try and be her mum as she already has one but I just some times feel funny when she is around with my DS plus the x is not a very nice person even tho she has gotten on with her life she likes to make things hard for us to operate normal as a blended family when we have my DH DD for a week. I hope I am not the only one who feels like this I dont know any one who has a blended family to talk about stuff like this.....all alone
Are my feelings normal whats wrong with me?

[*My Lil Blondie*]

hey, our situations sound very similar... (except for ur dh's work.

my feelings definately changed towards my 5yo dsd after my son was born, (im in no way mean to her or anything dont get me wrong! i still treat her exactly the same and as an equal with my ds) i know exactly the feeling u are talking about...

tried to pm u but it said u cant accept them or something???

anyway pm me if you can, would love to chat:thumbsup:

:hugs:

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

again your situations ounds similar - even our DH's work.Just wanted to reassure you that i think your feelings are perfectly normal and I think a kind of survival instinct thing...in fact I was just chatting to my DH and later on to a friend from mothers group about this...as I feel awful...but what you have expressed is how I am feeling too at the moment. We had issues with the ex before DD born with DH only being home for 1 week and now she creates even more...I actually find sometimes I hmmmmm for want of a better word resent the step kids (not word I want to use but cant think of one) because I only see DH for a week, which he works down here to try and pay all bills and Csupport and then the weekend we have them and then he goes and I havent seen him :confused:

[blueangel]

I think it is a very normal feeling. I feel the same way about my 2 DSD's. I still love and care about them but it is a different feeling to my 2 DS's. Sometimes I feel gulity about it and I have tried to overcome it but I can't help the way I feel. It is good to know that others feel this way too. :)

[kewlchicmum]

Heya guys
Thanks for your words it makes me feel normal knowing that there are other ladies out there with the same sort of feelings that I have and I kinda feel normal and not like a bad mean step mother ha.....Hey if any of you guys want to chat a please pm me as like I said I don't know any one else who is a step mum so when I talk to people they don't really understand what its like...take care hope to hear from you

[mumtok&z]

Hi kewlchicmum, i have tried to pm you but you have requested no pm's. Do you have an email or msn chat?

[myprecious]

what changed with me is i wont (or cant) have the stepkids unconditionally and feel the need to justify it to everyone because I feel guilty.

eg i wont take them on sick days off school coz i dont want bub getting sick.
eg swimming lessons instead of picking them up.

this is 100% reasonable i know but the stepkids hate going to grandmas and if their mum has to have the day off work she makes them feel guilty about the loss of money. its that awful catch 22. then they are poorer and ask us for more money we dont have.

so i feel guilty still. i guess not working at end of preg i could have them heaps and just had them loads in the school hols cause im a SAHM.

i love having them i just put bubba first and i feel that coz ive been such a positive role model in the kids life im letting them down too.

megan

[Meljem]

Step children/divorces/blended families, its all hard work. Believe me i know. I understand where you are coming from. When i married my ex, he had a child from a previous relationship, it was quite hard, as he had a troubled ex who always wanted to cause problems. Then we had a son, and i just wanted to spend time with us as a small family the threee of us, and did resent his son coming over, only because this was all new to me, and i wanted our new family to blend, and have time alone. It is just so hard. I am now married to an adorable man, he has taken me and my children on and is wonderful, he has two children also, and we have more trouble with that ex too. I honestly dont know why this is. I think the more i try to analise it, maybe they are just unhappy people??? I know when and if my ex meets someone, i will be happy for him, as i was when he dated once before, everyone deserves to be happy. Once you have split, leave it alone, move on and be nice to your children and foster a good relationship between their father and them, you and them etc, if you know what i mean. I just wish his ex would do that. Goodluck, its not a very easy job, it puts pressure on your new relationship etc. PM me anytime you need advice. :hugs:

[pegasus]

Hi kewlchicmum:wave:

Sorry - I mustn't have seen this thread first time round, but megan has summed up my feelings at the moment beautifully.


what changed with me is i wont (or cant) have the stepkids unconditionally and feel the need to justify it to everyone because I feel guilty.

i feel that coz ive been such a positive role model in the kids life im letting them down too.

megan

My children have to come first as they only have one mum to look after them and I don't want them to get into the position that they might ever have a stepmum or stepdad, so I try to keep my relationship with their father as healthy as possible.

In the journey to do that, I feel guilty about how much we should be doing for the other two. However, history has shown that even with legal papers drawn up it isn't smooth sailing and I'm made guilty if I do something for my kids and not for the other two.

Hubby tells me not to feel guilty - he says that he's the only one that should feel guilty if we don't see them when we're asked to (out of turn), but it doesn't stop my feelings of guilt.

But still, at the back of my mind, I know I have to put my children first - it doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything for the other two - I just have to remind myself that I'm not their mother and if she isn't doing the right thing by them - it's her problem, however that doesn't really help either......

Sorry - that's my vent for the night (born out of frustration), guess, some weeks are better than others and tonight wasn't a good time for me to post on this thread when I've been fielding calls from my stepdaughter today and I feel I want to promise her stuff I can't as it should be up to her father to do.

[musicalmummy]

thank goodness for this website. i am the same. Dp has an 8 year old daughter and 15 ye old son. The son is fine with my DD but the girl is a bit different. She has always been demanding and non disciplined (unless i discipline her..verbally..i never smack) but she is more demanding now. then Dp thinks he can go off and play soccer on weekends leaving me with all of them... i don't think so.
thanks you girls for helping me feel normal.

[Meljem]

musicalmummy Hi there, of course you are normal :laughing: its only natural to have those feelings. I am the same with DH's kids, when it comes to school holidays, i will not take on his two for days on end with my two also, its damn hard work, and his arent the type to find things to do at home, they have to be taken out, bought things and eating out all the time. We cant afford that lifestyle, so its very annoying. I ask that DH take time off in holidays so he can help. Its not my job to take care of them all, his kids come here to see him, not to be with me all day for days.

[boysboysboys]

i two have two step children, i have two boys from my ex and my partner has his two , we spent two years going through the court system to get acess as his ex, nasty person wouldnt let him see them unless it was at her mums and he wasnt allowed a drink and had to sit on sheets, throught out the process i wasnt sure how i would feel having two new kids in my life as i just wanted my boys and there step dad but i knew it wasnt fair for my partner not to see his kids. we now have them every forghtnight, and one day a week for a few hours, ive layed the law down that the weekday they dont come to the house he must take them to the park etc as my eldest has kindy and is to tired to have kids over. his eldest is a very spoilt girl she is 4 and wheres makeup, dyes her hair and how about this is goin to gwen steffani concert for her bday!!, she wants everything her way, cries if she dont like it. i dont like your cooking its not like my mums eer!!!, i could scream sometimes, its really hard thankfully my partner can see how spoilt she is, its really hard to have a blended family , i try and reassure myself its all going to be ok when they come to stay, 4 under five years is very busy, but its nice tio see there are others going through the same thing and we can talk, i guess at the end of the day they are kids its the other parent like there mother that makes things so difficulit, thankfully my ex and me are amabile with my kids and there will be no physological effects when older, i hope!!!:hugs:

[pegasus]

Meljam - good point - about the kids being there to see him and not to spend time with you.

I find that after 10years, my relationship with the children is pretty high up to their relationship with their dad, but still feel like - it's pointless if they're to come and their dad's not there - we are not babysitters - we're here as family.

boysboysboys. - :hugs: all round - tough times for you.
The dying of hair, makeup etc make for a little girl who is being helped to grow up way before her time. May I suggest you keep the opportunities for her to still be a little girl open at your house. My stepdaughter is one of these girls as well (we're just a bit further down the track).

A couple of visits ago - my stepdaughter asked me where her old barbies were - I had no idea, but found them before her next visit (as DS was playing with the barbie car - and they drive it better than weebles). Anyway - next visit my 14yr old DSD sat happily playing with the barbies. I've said to her mum before about putting boundaries on my stepkids, but she says she can't as they're not kids anymore - I beg to differ. We don't bend to the lifestyle they have at home, if they have a piercing, makeup etc that we don't agree with, we just don't make a fuss. At least they know what to expect at our house and if they want to act like kids - they can.