should i stay or should i go?

[1004]

i wanted to keep this profile anon but what i have to say would give me away. you would know me on BH as sweet ness (named altered and spaced as to not show up on google searches...just in case)

anyways, i have a problem in my relationship with DP.
i dont expect anyone to read this or reply, i need to get this out.

just a bit of background....

as you may or may not know, DP works away alot with his father as an apprentice tiler, although not strickly an apprentice (tilers dont have to be qualified at tafe and all that to tile iykwim). F/MIL live an hour away from us, northwest of sydney and DP goes there to tile with his father.

anyways, FIL had an some sort of agreement with a man who owns a tiling business where F/MIL live. DP and FIL would do tiling jobs for this guy and it was ok. DP would be up early in the morning to drive up there but always be home in time for dinner. that was good, DP had a steady job with a regular income.

but a few months ago FIL had a falling out with this guy and couldnt work for him anymore. but FIL knows 2 guys outside of sydney where we live that he can do tiling jobs for. one guys lives 4 hours away and the other 2 hours which means staying away for weeks at at time (tiling jobs can take anywhere from 2-10 days afaik).

this was ok for a little while because i didnt think it was going to be a regular thing (FIL had falling outs with this guy before but always went back to work for him).

its been a few months now and DP has hardly ever been at home. he would go away for 2 weeks at a time and be home for 3 days. sometimes be away longer, like 5 weeks once, and still be only home for 2-3 days. once i was lucky and he was home for nearly a week. i was sure all this was a short term thing but now him being away so often looks to be a long term thing. they often do 1-3 tiling jobs each time there away so which is why they are gone so long.

essentially this has now become a long distance relationship and i am not happy anymore. i mean, i love DP with all my heart and soul. i am in love with him with every inch of me but i dont know if i can be in this relationship anymore. i dont know if i can do it anymore. i am not coping well with this as the moment.

i dont know if thats me being pregnant and hormonal, i dont know if thats me being emotional as i can be at times. but i am really struggling with the concept that he is gone so often.

i feel like a single mother. he is never around. he is missing all of DS milestones, he has missed alot of special days like valentines and mothers days and birthdays etc.

when he is home we fight. not about him going away alot, just fighting...about stupid stuff. because its like dont know how to get along with each other anymore, its like we dont connect anymore. we dont know who we are in this relationship anymore iykwim.

but its always forgotten about later because we kiss and make up. its kinda like we use sex as a resolution to our problems. its the only time we do connect and are in sync with each other. its the only time i feel close to him. its not him using me for sex so i will get over the problems we are having because alot of the time i initiate it because i am a hormonal pregnant woman and i have urges and needs but because we do it, its like its all forgotten about once its over. (sorry if TMI)

i sent him a txt meassage tonight saying we need to talk about our relationship. i sent it after i thought he would be asleep and would call me after work tomorrow when i would figure out what i really want. but he called not long after i sent the mesage asking whats wrong. he really should know because i mentioned the other day in a phone call that i am not happy and i need to talk to him when he gets home.

but today was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. DS is learning to walk. when DP was here he saw him walk from the coffee table to the lounge which would have been about 2 steps but since this morning DS has gotten his confidence and he's been walkin 6-7 steps, maybe 1 metre. and doing it alot more often than usual.

i was so proud but i was brought to tears when i thought DP isnt here to see this. he's never around for any of DS milestones. i'm so proud of my boy but sad because his dad is not here to see any of it.

i know it sounds silly as he will see it eventually. i dunno, maybe i am too emotional.

its not just that though. i am home alone all day. i had a falling out with my family and dont see them all that often. and even when i did, they were always too busy to visit. and when they did they came here to see DS only, never asking me how i was. they were very supportive in the beginning now they are lost in their own financial problems and stepfather being sick with a terminal illness that i cant get their support anymore (which is understandable). that coupled with DP being away and us fighting most of the time i am not getting any adult contact or any support from anyone.

i suffer from depression anyway (although i much better these days, have been feeling alot better over the last 4-5 years) and i am very emotional by nature and all of this is gettin to me.

and being pregnant things are harder, i am having a much harder pregnancy this time and also have a very active toddler to deal with i feel like i am not coping with it all very well.

usually DS is very independant, can play on his own but now its like i have to be there with him at all times. if i use the computer he is there grabbing at the keyboard and mouse and throwing them trying to get my attention, if i go into the kitchen or bathroom he is following me whinging and when he gets to me tugging on my trouser leg in a real clingy manner. he is not a clingy child generally, but its like he needs my attention at all times or something.

DS has made a mess of the house because he is in a throwing stage and is seriously bored. and i am too but can only get out of the house to attend bubhub meets or such which is not that often because of financial reasons or because ia m too depressed to leave the house. he is an angel when not at home and when other people are around so everyone thinks i have it easy. there is so much cleaning i can do in a day because of being pregnant and not being able to bend over all the time so most of the time the house is a complete mess. i cant get a break.

i feel like my world is falling apart. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i am not handling it well at all. its not PND because i dont get depressed in that way iykwim, i am not in denial, i know how i am feeling. things would be ok if they just go back to how they were but i dont know if they ever will.

all this is making me feel like i should just leave DP because what is the point in being together if he is never here? at least if we seperate i can concentrate on being a single mother but i have complications in our relationship to deal with too. but i dont want to be a single mother either. we planned and created our children our of love for one another. i dont want to be with anyone else, and i am jealous, i dont want him with anyone else.

but everytime we do fight and i say i will leave he wont let me go. when he gets home i'll sy i dont want to do this anymore then he will convince me to stay. and the main reason i do is financial.

.......:crying: this is too long and messed up..i will leave it there. i guess i dont really know whats wrong or what i want. i just need to get my feelings out...

[kYlEe_22]

awww hun big <<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>.......

u now what reading that whole thing made me thought have u been in my head latley as u sound like me....... some thinngs are diff..... my dp works nights shifts and we never see him when he comes home he sleeps till he ahs to go back to work again our kids never see him and when they do if my ds is trying to get his attention he snaps and poor ds get upset...... this last week it has really started to get to me....i cant stop crying ..... my ds is 2.5 yrs and i have a dd thats 10 weeks and i dont wanna do this alone either we both planned to have children not just me ..... i need a break b4 i explode..... i too dont talk to my family as were constanly arguing.... and here i sit alone everyday and everynight.....
and he never gets to see the fun times with ther kids like my dd is smiling and it makes my heart melt but like u said also saddens me cause he missed it!!! my ds is a real boys boys and he loves his dad to bits..... all he wants is an hr of his time to go the the park or something!!!!
alothough i appreciate him working to support us but id rather have my family over money anyday..... i miss being close to him, and we fight bout stupid **** and same again sex is the one thing that brings us back togther!!!

i have recently met some girls from a forum and have meet a few times but its so hard to go out alone with 2 kids..... it justisnt enjoyable...i looked like a freak yesterday having to chase my ds around the shops cause him running off on me.......

im not sure what to tell u to do ....but i think in ur heart u know whatu want...... everything happens for a reason and what ever does happens in the end will be whats right!!!

kylee_adam_joshy_maddy@hotmail.com add me if u ever feel like chatting hun!!!!


takwe care!!!xoxox

[Pobblebonk]

:hugs: Ultimately, what you do is up to you.

Maybe if you explained to him how you are feeling... That you feel that he isn't around for the kids, that he's missing out on so much, that he isn't there to support you emotionally when you need him...

If he cares about his family, he'll either find another tiling job that doesn't send him so far away, or he'll try to balance it all out a bit better.

But, if you are really very unhappy, and you are only staying for the financial side of things, well, that's not fair on anyone, especially yourself.

Good luck with your decision.

[iluvmeboyz]

oh:hugs: so sorry things have not been going good for you , i think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel and what he is missing out on,he should understand that you cant do things on your own i was like that with mine always at work so was i preg with 2nd ds and all got to me we sat down and talked about thigs just tell him or maybe go away for a while and make him think about it


and another things is

YAY FOR RJ WALKING SO PROUD OF HIM :smiliedance: :kiss:

[Mummaof2]

Big :hugs: for you hun.

I can't tell you what you should do as that decision is up to you and I am positive you will make the decision that is right for you and your DS.

Your DP needs to realise how much this is affecting both you and your DS.

I grew up with my dad working away anything from 1 -4 weeks at a time and when he came home he was only home for the weekend. I looked up to my grandfather and my godfather as my father figures which hurt because as I became a teenager even though i was always close to my dad and was daddy's little girl (and still am) I never felt like i could talk to my dad about anything i was going through good or bad.

I think you need to try and talk to DP about how you are feeling again and let him know that it is going to affect the relationship he has not only with you but with his son and unborn child. Yes I know we have to do what we have to do to get by financially but I am sure if you both sit down and talk about it that there is another way he can get work so he is at home more often. Or is there a possibilty that you could move closer to where he works?

[mum33]

long story short, DP cant get a job closer, his only option is to work with his father. apparently (so ive been told) if he sitcks it out for a few years til he is capable of tiling on his own, things will be alot easier.

he will be doing jobs for himself, which means if he is not working under his fathers wing anymore he wont be gettin a percentage of the money from a job, he will be gettin all of the money from the job. financially it will be great for us as we will be better off.

but it seems like that day will never come but if i believe all this it means having enough faith in him that it wil happen and that i have to sacrifice him not being around now so that he will be around more often later.

if he does work on his own later it will mean that he doesnt have to work as often because the money he will make from each job will be enough to keep us going that he doesnt have to go away so often coz basically right now, if he doesnt work, we get behind in our bills and things get really tight.

i dont want to leave, i really dont. he is a good man, he loves me and he loves his son so much it would kill him if we left. he takes care of us. its hard for him too being away so much, i can see it hurts him to not be around his son as much as he should be. especially since he feels he hasnt formed as much of a bond with his son as much as he should have, and i know it hurts when he sees his mates interact with their sons in a way that he doesnt get to do.

this is all so complicated. i jsut feel like giving up but fear that would be worse than what i am going through now. i have several cousins and family friends that are going through sh!t with their babys fathers because things didnt work out between them and i dont want that to be me. its heart breaking to see my loved ones going through that then even more heartbreaking when i know it could soon be me.

i also feel foolish because i know some people have it worse than me. i feel like i am being a big whinger or something and kinda feel bad i ever posted on here. but i needed to get it out and i am better with words written down than those spoken if i need to speak to someone. iykwim.

well he called about half hour ago. i have to go opick him up... this is it, the moment of truth. we are gonna have to talk but i am scared of what the outcome will be.

thanks everyone for replying and those that did read it, i know it was long. :hugs:

i'll let you know how it goes... :fingerscrossed:

(cr@p, maybe i should have posted in the other username....oh well )

[Bearskin]

:hugs: to you. You sound a bit isolated and lonely at the moment.

I know how hard it is when DH is away; my DH is away sometimes for 2 weeks at a time and might land home for a night then off again. This goes on week after week and has been since August last year with no change in sight. I don't get on well with his parents; mine are 3 hours away and some days I feel so terribly lonely for DH.

I was very emotional when DD turned 1 and DH was away - i took heaps of video for him to watch of DD having her cake, opening pressies etc but it was so hard and part of me felt like crying. DH and I fight all the time too! But we don't have the make up sex to go with - I just feel like a piece of meat when he comes home for a shower, shave and some sex before leaving again.

DH and I had a huge talk 2 weeks ago as I have told him I am not getting pg again unless he can spend more time at home. I cannot raise a newborn and full on toddler on my own. DH promised me that this wont be forever and that work will slow up and we can hire an employee once a month as well. But we HAD to have this talk for him to understand how I felt.

I also joined a mothers group and have made some lifelong friends with people who have kids - this keeps me sane as I get some sort of interaction with other adults.

Don't leave your DH - give him the chance to talk with you about your feelings. You might find that he is bitter about missing out of his kids lives too (my DH was/is); he might be able to find another option to working away all the time. He could start his own business and get local clients, which would mean he could be home more often or perhaps work for someone else closer to home. The hardest thing is that he works with his dad (my DH did/does too but our business is now seperate to FIL's due to this problem) and there is a huge sense of responsibility that comes with working for your family that he might not have being PAYG for someone else (like taking a sick day or RDO for exapmle). My FIL just doesn't understand that DH wants time at home either; he expects DH to work all the time and they have had some bust ups about DH wanting to see his wife and child more.

PM me if you want to chat.

Stay positive and he honest with your DH; give him the chance to prove himself to you before making a decision that could split up your family. You do love him, that is clear but all relationships need attention and love for them to grow.

[mum33]

i spoke to DP over the weekend when he come for a couple of nights.

-no we'll talk about it but forget about it after we have sex- kinda thing going on.

we sat done and talked. talked like we've never really done before. i got everything out that i needed to. he didnt tell me anything i didnt already know but just explained it to me in a better way. and there was no yelling or getting angry as usual, just talking.

he was very considerate and understanding.

it doesnt help my situation though, and things cant change for a while and i'm still gonna be stuck at home for a while alone but i think i can change that if i try hard enough. if i make more of an effort to change my mindset about things, to not get depressed and mope around the house. try and get out more. if not for my benefit, then for DS's.

i feel much better about things anyways, even if my situation hasnt really changed.

he also let me know how much its hurting him that he is away so often and how its hurting him that he's not seeing his son doin things like walkin for the first time.

he also let me know that his dad understands that its hard for the both of us to be apart from each other for so long and him being away from his young family. i had previously thought his father just didnt care.

and the fact is DP is taking care of us and our bills are gettin paid, we have food on the table, a roof over our heads and DS is well taken care of. we are not so well off but got more than we would have if he wasnt working.

he also let me know how much he appreciates me and how he knows how well i am taking care of our son. he told me he knows i am a good mother even though i have been doubting myself lately.

he's really changed. for the good. he's matured alot. he can talk to me now without losing his temper and he is explaining himself alot better so that i i know what he is trying to say.

i think we're gonna be alright. we were on the verge of breaking up because we werent gettin along anymore but somethings changed and we are gettin along great. i dont think this is just a for the moment thing, i really think things are different this time.


thanks for all your comments. i know it wasnt easy reading all of that. but i really do appreciate it. :hugs:

thank god for bubhub :hugs:

[Buddha Bubbas]

oh hun i have just come across this thread now. IM glad to hear you and DP talked about how you were feeling. You know where I am if you want to chat hun :hugs:

[sarahs]

My DH works away a lot so I understand how you feel. Just wanted to add a suggestion... would it be possible for you and DS to go with him when he works away? Sometimes when my DH works away we go with him and it does make the world of difference.

[mum33]

My DH works away a lot so I understand how you feel. Just wanted to add a suggestion... would it be possible for you and DS to go with him when he works away? Sometimes when my DH works away we go with him and it does make the world of difference.

it would if we had more money. but there might not be any point. he works all day then goes to bed early coz he would be tired from working. it would be good to go for a nite but anymore than that would be like being at home. but thanks for the suggestion :yes:

[sarahs]

That's a bummer! My husband works away a bit and always tells me he has no choice! Which has always p'od me a little if I'm honest.

I was chatting to an older lady recently who's husband has always worked away and I told her I almost left him when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and he nicked off to a remote location overseas. Anyway this lady said that although she understood how I felt that I was being a bit hard on him and that I needed to understand that men (particularly when they are the sole bread winner) feel an immense pressure to provide for us and to do that they feel an immense pressure to keep their work/boss happy and get ahead. For me it was like a light going off, because that is exactly what my husband is always telling me - he just didn't articulate it nearly as well.

That said - feeling like a single mum for weeks at a time sucks!!!! Big time!!! And sometimes they need to understand that if things don't change there may be no-one left for them to provide for!

Good luck and keep your chin up!