Another MIL Prob...drivin me insane!

[MissSparkle]

A know there is so much on this forum about mother in laws but I need to get this off my chest! My fiances family are Greek, therefore fairly religeous.
When i got pregnant Nicks mum would not hear of it! She told my mum I had ruined Nicks life and she should MAKE me get an abortion. I was not allowed in her house and if I went there to pick up Nick she'd answer the door, glare at me and tell me "Ur not allowed to be here!" I cried every night because it was so harsh!
Anywayz I get to about 5months pregnant and all of a sudden she is being nice to me. Then i realised it was because she found out we were having a boy and their family tradition is to name the first boy after his grandfather. I was not keen on this and didn't agree till Angelo was actually born. When he was born Nick told me it meant alot to him and I had no name that was important to me so we named him Angelo. My parents felt like I was walked all over and most of my family and mine and Nicks friends call him AJ (his initials).
SO we get to the topic of christeing. Theres no option-he'll be christened Greek Orthadox. Im not overly religeous so Im not totally fussed however my MIL insists the reception of the christening which is also our engagement party be held at her new house which is not even close to finished being built. We want to have it in feb but she told me we cant set a date till really close but alot of my relatives will have to travel and need lots of notice.
THEN talk of our wedding which is automatically in the Greek church of course, my MIL expects my father to pay for the WHOLE greek wedding (We r NOT greek) and she thinks that she can tell us where and when and who to invite. We wrote our guest list and it was 160ppl which is alot and she said "No thats not enough u've left ppl out" and she added like 60 ppl that Nick doesn't no!! And she thinks my dad will pay for it all!! I wish she'd back off and stop makingour decisions!!!
Sorry this is so long but its driving me crazy!!!!

[xkwzit]

Hi YMSteph
I guess your feeling a little swamped? The important thing is that its your (and Nick's) wedding and it should be the way you want it. If you want to get married in a hot air balloon with only your dog to witness it, that's the way it should be. But you have to present a united front to the MIL, there's no point you talking to her yourself.

Typically if the bride's family is footing the bill, then they get to stipulate the number of guests that each side gets to bring. So if your parents want to pay the lot, but can only afford 30 ppl all up - that's it. If you want to compromise, suggest the IL share the bill, or opt for a afternoon tea style reception after a slightly earlier ceremony, rather than dinner. Unless the ILs are contributing cash, they don't get to make ANY demands. It's your wedding.

Cheers

[Mamaduke]

I sympathise with you soooo much!
I know it's easy to say that it's your wedding day and you should do what you want (and you should) but you are dealing with people who obviously think (and alot of Europeans do it) that it is some sort of status symbol to have soooo many people at the wedding. Before anyone starts on me I have a European background so I know this for a fact and I'm talking to Steph about what she's going through so just leave it!
My cousin married a Greek guy and because obviously his mother wanted it in the Greek Orthodox church and my cousin's family wanted it in the Catholic church they compromised by having full church services in each! It took about 3 hours just for the church services to be finished!
I think that if your DF honestly told his mum that your family couldn't afford to have all of the people she wants, his family would pay for them in order to 'save face'.
If it makes you feel any better my MIL invited DH's ex girlfriend to our wedding! She was a friend of the family but even her family didn't speak to her at the time.
I just thought 'BRING IT ON', because this is probably the best I'm ever going to look!
Good luck and I really hope that you all reach some sort of middle ground - it's very mature of you to go on having any sort of relationship with DF's mother considering her treatment of you in the past.
Carly

[Oscar's mum]

I agree it's your wedding do it the way you want. I didn't realise it was still tradition for the brides family to pay for the wedding, gee I think someone forgot to tell my family that when I was getting married :( .

But stand your ground, don't let your MIL walk all over you. If you don't want 100's of people that you don't know at your wedding so be it. You shouldn't have to.

Just out of curiosity what would happen if you turned around and said I don't like the idea of the brides family paying for the whole wedding as you don't think it is fair to invite all these people that you or your partner don't know?

[MissSparkle]

Thanks for all ur advice!
Ive told her we want to limit the number of ppl to no more than 160 (which is still alot) but Nick won't stand his group to her. I feel like Im being out numbered sometimes.
And also my parents can afford to pay for whatever i want but i don't want them to have to pay for what Nicks mum wants. Ive told my dad the max amount he's alowed to pay for. Other than that Nick n I will pay it ourselves because his mum keeps whinging saying she has no money when clearly she does!! I dont expect anything from her tho, i just think its unfair for her to expect so much of my parents!

[MariaO]

This may sound harsh but I think that if you do not stand your ground now you will be battling with this woman for the rest of your days. You do need your boyfriends support in this however.

[SweetSerenity]

Hey Steph!
I too had alot of probs with bretts mum wanting to make decisions regarding our wedding, in the end, none of his family were in even there!!!
You poor thing...i really feel for you!!!
Its wrong of her to assume that your dad will pay for everything yet she gets to say how it will be!! Maybe your parents should organise a meeting with her and put her back into line. She can't go on doing this because in the end, it will be you, Nick and AJ who will suffer...your relationship will suffer. It's your big day, so you and nick should have most of the say in how the day goes.
As with the Christening, YOU and NICK have the say, not the grandparents!!! He's your son, not theirs!!! I know it's hard, but try to put your foot down, or get Nick to as it's his mum. He has to stand by you and stick up for you, otherwise she'll never get the picture that you are adults and you run your own lives!!!
Take care sweety!
Love Nat xxx

[flower]

Steph.
I can see your 19 years old. And when your 19.........MIL's are particularly scary.
Like MariaO says...if you don't put your foot down at this point.......I'd hate to be the one to tell you this...but you'll be on here posting every week what she's done to you this time.
After the wedding it will be decorating your home....the garden...the Thankyou cards, the birth........the parenting.......and so on and so on.
Its not going to end with the wedding girlfriend...believe me!!!!!!!

You don't need to get huffy puffy with her.
What you do need to do is calmly and firmly say.."We can have 100 (whatever) people maximum. You need to fit your people down to 5o...(whatever).
Firmly. That's all. State the fact....make sure Nick is behind you 100%.
DONT budge, DONT negotiate< DONT GIVE IN>
Things are not going to change or get better unless your a strong girl.
You need to speak to Nick long and hard and find a good allie in him.
Do this right...and she will respect you.
Be bulldozed and railroaded......and I'm sorry to say........things aren't going to improve.
O's mom.

[MissSparkle]

Thanks again for all ur advice.
TanUch I understand where ur coming from being of European background. I totallt respect their traditions and ways of doing things. I just don't like being spoken to as if i don't matter! I ALWAYS make sure she knows my opinion and always take into considerations hers.
Something pretty awfull happened today with my MIL VERY unintentionally! Nick drives a manual car and I have NEVER driven a manual! Nick parked behind his mum and she wanted to leave our house while he was asleep and INSISTED I be the one to move his car! I was frakin out and told he ive never driven a manual and she kept pushing me so I said I'd try! When i got in the car I freaked out and got all confused and accidentally ran up the back of her car! I feel so bad!!!
She said it was ok (she has an old car) but i still feel horrible even tho it didn't even leave a mark!!
ANywayz Im getting along with her fine, i just try to avoid the wedding and christening talk for now!!!

[xkwzit]

Hi YMSteph

I guess that she should LISTEN to you - serves her right and DON'T you feel at all bad :) .

Remember this event everytime you need to discuss things, use it as a mantra or affirmation "You WILL listen to me, you WILL listen to me ..." :D

Cheers

[Mamaduke]

This may sound harsh but I think that if you do not stand your ground now you will be battling with this woman for the rest of your days.

I'm sorry Steph, but this is a Greek mother, & you are probably going to be battling her for the rest of her life anyway!


DONT budge, DONT negotiate< DONT GIVE IN>
Things are not going to change or get better unless your a strong girl.
You need to speak to Nick long and hard and find a good allie in him.

I'm just afraid that these well meaning ladies will give you some sort of sense of bravado and you're going to go in 'guns a blazing' and turn around for back up and it won't be there!

I totally agree with TanUch, you can try to stand your ground and insist but it would be soooo much easier if you let her think she's getting her way - and trust me, your husband to be is not going to 'grow a set' when it comes to his mummy - I know, mine is 32 and still nothing!!!

The thing is, you're behind the eight ball to begin with because to be honest she's probably not too thrilled that you're not Greek (but obviously you can't help that) and that you and Nick had a child before marriage (although I'm sure she would love Angelo to bits) but she is obviously moving forward and has accepted you into her family (kinda!)

One word of advice:
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"

I wish your little family - that's you, Nick and Angelo all the very best and keep us posted!

Carly

[JnA]

I don't have any extra words of wisdom, I think these ladies have pretty much covered it, I just wanted to say that I hope you get *your* wedding the way you want it.. and you don't get too overpowered by the MIL... traditional Europeans are a bit like that (I know, my own mother is one... although she's mellowed a lot in her old age.)

Best of Luck.

[annsam]

Oh dear Steph, that sounds horrid!!! I thought I was having issues with my MIL (staying with us at the mo for a few weeks) when she commented on how and what I should be feeding DS. I can't imagine how annoyed and out of control you must feel. The only thing I can say is do it your way. If you ever want any control over anything with her, put your foot down now!! Best of luck.

[ThomasMum]

Hi Steph, am not an expert here but I do understand how important weddings et al for the Eastern European Culture are, we went to a Greek wedding (200+ guests) recently and the bridesmaid’s colleague from work so I had the opportunity to ask her how much the cost lol and she told me that everyone chipped in some money to cover the wedding cost.

Maybe this is the time where you can “introduce” her the new culture eh, that this is your affairs, not hers and she needs to stay back and let you make the decision. Its not going to be easy I know, these cultures has been going on for hundred if not thousand years, but hey that’s life 

Oh btw, I like everyone’s else ideas :)

Good luck Steph, make sure that you will be the happiest woman on earth on your big day! Fight for your right girl! :)

ThomasMum

[flower]

As for being the only experts on European culture or otherwise:
Never assume anything!

O's mom.

[Mamaduke]

O's mum,
Did you direct your last post at me?
I never said I was an expert - I was just giving an honest opinion.
Carly

[flower]

Nope Carly..not.

[flower]

OOOh......I mean it was NOT directed at you that is..thought I'd clarify that before speaking in riddles again!
Whoopsie!!
O's mom.

[ThomasMum]

To be honest, European Culture is such broad words. Too many too mention and they are all different. Dutch, Gregorian, The Irish has two even, the 18th Century of English...all so confusing for my poor wee head!

Hey I was born and grew up in the UK, yet I knew nothing about my background lol, I know one thing tho that we are all celebrate weddings and deaths

I should read more... :eek:

TM