What to do???

[kiara]

I have just found out that my partners father has been interfering with one of his grandchildren. He has also been in jail before for doing the same thing to his 2 step-daughters. One of the step-daughters was abused from age 9 - 19. I was mortified and sickened when I found out. The step-daughter put in a report to the police years ago and the step-father ended up in jail. The mother (the perpetrators wife) blamed her daughter for the whole thing. As though she was the other woman. He also abused his other step-daughter when she was 9 but she refuses to talk about it so no one knows how long the abuse went on for. Years later (this week) it comes to light that he has been abusing his grand-daughter. She is 7. They went to the police and put in a report. The police have said that due to the fact that she has such knowledge of these things and that the story she told mother and the ploice on different days were identical, they said there is very little doubt that it didn't happen.

My problem is this. My partner has a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. Now a few months ago she complained about a really really sore vagina. Her mother and father took her to the hospital (so there are records) and they gave her something for it. Nothing was every officially diagnosed though. The grandfather said and I remember this clearly "you should get her checked out just incase someone is interfering with her". I know the daycare she attended when this happened has a record of this and I know there is hospital reports too. What I want to know is that if anyone put in my position would you ring someone to get them to check if she has been abused. I believe thatshe has been given the case above and the fact that she used to walk up to her father and put her hand up the leg of his shorts and try and grab him. He would always push her hand away and tell her not to do it.

I don't know whether to just let it all take it's own course of whether to ring the police and tell them so they can follow up on it. I don't want to say anything to my partner of me doing this because I don't want to upset him anymore then he is if it's not true. Also because I really do think he'll beat the crap out of him or worse if he finds out he did. I know if anyone touched my child I would be livid.

Sorry it's long but I can't talk to my family as it's all very hush hush at the moment

[MammaMia]

Just a quick point ... 4 is toooo young to go through the justice system, speaking to police & a medical examination for sexual abuse.

I would ensure the child's safety, and emotional well-being is cared for and avoid the justice system at all costs.

[kiara]

I know she is too young but I was more thinking of the problems she could face later in life if she has been abused and nothing is done. I also think 7 is too young but she has no choice now.

[MammaMia]

There are good therapists that specialise in children who have been sexually abused. Whilst there are some signs that could indicate she has been interfered with, you have to weigh whether having someone talk to her for details is a good thing.

Basically, my experience is that you need to reinforce for your children (1) their sense of safety (2) their personal areas that no-one else should touch ie good touch and bad touch. I've found that many 4 year olds will lose their memory of what happened with time ... and that can be a good thing. If there are signs of distress, get help! In the meantime, just keep up the good work of loving the child and providing a protected life.

The police are tasked with identifying offences and don't need to be involved if you don't want to have the child risk telling their story to court. You don't need to have a person charged to get access to help for the little one.

Good luck with a difficult decision.

[Ana Gram]

I would definately follow it up, there is no way I would let someone get away with abusing my child and get away with it. Perhaps a child psycholgist could tell you if she has the signs of being abused. Yes, 4 years old is young but if she has been abused I would think it would be better to deal with issues now before they get too much for her to cope with.

[MariaO]

Kiara,

That is just dreadful. Are you sure that you can not talk to your partner about this so that the truth can be found out. If it has happened then surely the little one will need help

[MammaMia]

I may not have been clear in expressing my concerns...

having had experience with the justice system, I know that there are no guarantees that the perpetrator will be convicted. There are no guarantees that the child won't be even more traumatised by the court process.

Definitely, some children need to go through with making a complaint, and telling their story but the chances of a guilty verdict with a little child are very slim. The only 2 people who likely know what happened are the child and the man. The man isn't going to tell the judge, so it will fall to the little girl, not a psychologist, to tell her story. That's a big thing - especially when facing questions that are designed to knock down the little girl's story.

I don't mean you should pretend nothing has happened - if you know that it has. But your efforts may be better directed at raising a healthy child in all respects rather than going after him.

You have no control over the perpetrator - even if found guilty, we all know jail time is not for ever, and doesn't stop anyone when they are back in the community.

The natural reaction of every parent is to not let the perpetrator get away with it. And I agree in some respects - God help anyone who touched my child.

I just mean - there are options, and all of them should be viewed by the starting point of what is in the best interests of this child? And sometimes, this may mean not exposing the child to further trauma by having them tell strangers, and go through an adult justice system.

Hope that makes more sense.

Obviously, because I've seen the system at work, I'm a little wary about it and feel that people should know it's not all about getting it right in a justice sense.

[kiara]

Oh I did forget to say that he has said he didn't do it. However if it went to court he would plead guilty to keep the children out of court.

Why plead guilty and have that against your name. Go to jail for a long sentence due to second offence if you werent guilty???????

[xkwzit]

Hi Kiara
So to make sure I'm not misinterpreting - your partner knows about all of these developments, doesn't he? Why hasn't he put 2 and 2 together re the childs complaints and (perhaps) overtly sexual conduct? Is it just a case of selective memory (in which case, maybe you need to remind him about the incident and discuss your concerns), or is he in denial (in which case he needs your help to recognise a potential danger and to check it out).

I can totally understand that you want to do something here, but I don't think its your responsibility to start an investigation. I think it is a decision that your parner and the 4yo's Mum need to make, because they will have to lead the child through this experience - you can't do that. I also think that if he ever found out that it was you who tipped off the investigation re his daughter and you hadn't talked to him about it first, it may seriously shake his trust in you. If anyone did a similar thing re my kids and didn't tell me about it, I'd be soo angry, because, as the parent I should be the one to protect my kids and I have the right to know if they're in danger. If ppl knew things and didn't tell me, that (to me) is almost as bad as standing there watching it happen and doing nothing to stop it. It would take the police weeks/months to deal with this, as a parent I can take steps immediately. I have to believe that your partner would do the same if he believed it were even a small possibility.

I think that going behind his back is asking for trouble in your own relationship. You need to help the parents of the 4yo to deal with it. Maybe (hopefully) there is nothing in it, but I would never leave my kids alone with him or his wife for one second.

Thinking of you

[kiara]

He has toyed with the idea and i have put it out there. he has asked his daughter so has her mother. He has made the decision that his daughter is not to go near his parents. He wants to confront his father but is scared he'll flip out and in his words kill him.