Am I a bad mother????

[GIZMOE]

Hello,

I am starting to feel a little depressed about how much time I can stay at home with my first baby due in March.

At the moment with the morgage repayments and living costs my husband and I rely so much on both our incomes. We both have great jobs in the Public Service and no if we continue on this path we be financially better of in years to come.

The issue is I can only take 10 months off when the baby comes. If I could financially I would love to be a stay at home mum that's my dream job. But if I took that option we would have to sell our house we worked so hard for and rent.

I have coped alot of stuff of my supposedly good firend who has a 12 month old baby and who is still living with her parents. Not once did I judge her all I did was support her in that decsion, now I am being told that Parents who put their children in childcare full time should not have children! :mad:

Am I a bad mother for choosing to go back to work and be able to keep our home and provide a better life for my children????

[aardvark]

No, you're not!

But being a working mum is hard. I went back to work when DD#2 was 12 months old, and the next 12months were really hard - commuting, dropping her off, getting back in time to pick her up, running home, feeding, bathing. I struggled, and that was with me only working 3 days per week to start with.

If you are going to be working full time after you go back to work, I strongly recommend you start investigating what you can do to make life easier - someone to collect the ironing makes a huge difference, as does someone to clean for a few hours per week if you can afford it. Online grocery shopping is another good thing to use, if it suits you (I find I can't get what I need off Coles Online or Homeshop).

That means that the menial tasks around the house are done, and you can just be wife/mum when you are home.

[carls]

I dont think it is a bad decision at all. I have already booked my bub into childcare for Feb 2007 (he isn't even born yet!) as I plan to return to full-time work after 12 months off.

I strongly believe in having enough money to provide everything for your children, and unless you have a husband that earns more than enough to bring home the equivalent of 2 good incomes, you may have to work. Its a fact of life!

Dont feel bad - think of all the fantastic things you will be able to provide for your children, once you are bringing home that extra money :)

[Supermum]

Dear Amy G.

Your financial inability to stay at home for as long as you would like does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a mother who has to go back to work for financial reasons.

I had to do it, twice, and a lot earlier than you plan to go back to work. Many mothers have said to me that if you can’t stay at home and look after your children then you shouldn’t have them. I say just because someone is at home with their children it doesn’t necessarily make them ‘present’.

Like you, we worked hard to get the home we have. To let it go now and have to buy back into the market when we have two incomes in three years time would be financially devastating. That financial devastation would impact our lives for a very long time.

I say to you that you do the best you can with what you have. Enjoy the time you have with bub and make the decision that is right for your family. And try to ignore the negative comments from others, have conviction in your choices.

Take care

[rynosmum]

Hi Amy,

I had 6 months off work but as DS arrived much later than expected, it meant that I had to go back to work when he was just under 5 months old. I agonised over this fuelled by people who felt it was their business to comment (including my own sister).

DS is now almost 18 months. I have now found a job where I telecommute and work from home most days. DS is in childcare 3 days per week and at our home with my MIL 2 days per week. As someone else mentioned, if you can get someone to help with your ironing or cleaning even for a couple of hours, this will be a great investment.

I spend ALL of my spare time with DS and it's all quality time. I have never once felt the need to raise my voice to him, he is generous and absolutely loves Mum and Dad. :)

I was at my nephew's party today and my sister came up to me and congratulated me on having such a happy, polite little boy. More so than her own who had been looked after by her full time. It works well for us - although I still miss him like crazy during the day...

[WeThree]

Hi Amy :) you are NOT a bad mum, the fact that you are agonising so much over this is a pretty good indication that you must be a pretty good mummy to be!!!

You will not be a bad mum, you will be a mum doing what is best for HER family, there are some fabulous child care centres around, find one that is right for you and bubs and stop feeling guilty!!! :) (easier said than done i know, us woman often feel guilty about everything!!!)
good luck :) :)

ps dont listen to your 'friend' how convenient for her to judge you about going back to work whilst she is living at her mum and dads and not having to pay any mortgage or rent!!!

[draught]

Amy
You are not a bad mum - listen to what the other mums have said as they are all spot on. Something to keep in mind though - as a public servant you are entitled to go back to work part time until baby is 2 - so if you are finding it tough when you go back, you can always drop one or two days and still have money coming in but some time at home. It is not a perfect solution by any means, but one to remember if it is all getting too much. And to rude people who say you aren't at home with baby - just remember that it is not the childcare workers who are getting up in the night, or who your baby calls for when they aren't feeling well - it will always be you because you are still the primary carer.

On the home shopping front - when I lived in Canberra I found the woolworths homeshop service to be excellent, so highly recommend it!

[whatwasithinking]

Amy

Originally when DD#1 was born I wanted to stay at home for at least 12mths however child care spot came up and as they are very hard to secure in my area I had to accept a spot when Hannah was 10mths and go to work to pay for it. I had no regrets/no guilt.

Second time around I wanted to take 12mths Leave Without Pay but as we are moving to ACT (as you know through other threads) I will be going back to work earlier as I have to secure a new transfer job/position. DD#2 will only be 7mths. Again no regrets/no guilt.

I too would like to give my girls no only my love but also financial better off.

Don't stress - you do what is best.

BTW I will PM you as I have some info on how to find more c/care for you :)

[xkwzit]

Hi Amy

I think that the different expectations that society has for men and women are interesting. No one ever questions a father going back to work and tells him he's a bad dad. They clap him on the back for being a good provider. This is EXACTLY what you are doing. You are just delegating baby's care to someone for a few hours each day while your busy providing.

The roles of men and women have changed and it is not as easy to say "you stay home to look after our kids". Women earn more than in previous decades and they may well have careers that they want to return to. It's not easy to take 5 years off and then hop straight back in to your old job. The main reason that I took only 6 months off with each baby was my great fear of becoming obsolete in my field. We didn't need the money, but I wanted my job.

I definately do not want to be seen as being negative to SAHMs. I'm not saying that staying at home is not the right choice, its just not the right choice for everyone. Every family is different and you have to do what is right for yours. Don't give your power away to ppl who don't walk in your shoes - their opinions don't affect your reality (esp if they are living at home with their parents :eek: how is she in a position to criticise you :confused: ).

[whatwasithinking]

IMO only - I feel sending Hannah to daycare was the best decision as she has learnt more in the last 2ys that I could possibly teach her or provide.

She has little friends that she would otherwise not meet - I can only handle some of the mummys from mummys group so much :eek:

Hannah gets sick of being with me 24/7 anyway - I think both of us enjoy our time apart (we love each other to death of cause). Should see us over the christmas close down break - aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh

[GIZMOE]

Thank you everyone,

I am feeling much more positive about this. My biggest problem is letting people who are close to me have to much of a say and the bad thing is most of these people are very negetive :eek:

I will definitely consider looking into getting my shopping done over the net and getting the drycleaners onto my washing!!! Y haven't I thought of that sooner :D

How is everyone going by the way??? I would love to know how everyone's pregnancy is going

Again thank you.

PS: DMaree I look forward to your PM

[meshan]

The only way you can be a bad mother is if you don't love your kids! And I have no doubt that that is not the case!!

[GIZMOE]

Thank you for your kind words Meshan.

[SweetSerenity]

Hey Amy,
I too just wanted to let you know you are not a bad mummy!
I wont be able to quit work either due to us saving for a home, and once we get our home, theres no way i cant work.
We can only do the best we can for our children, and thats what we are doing. Dont feel bad for doing so. Unfortunatley to live means you need money!
Your a fantastic mummy because your doing everything you can for your children!
Love Nat xxx :D

[Hunter's Mum]

hi amy,

just wanted to let you know i am having the same hesitations as you..
I am currently home with my 8wk old and am looking at having to go back to work when he is 6mths.. we have a mortgage as well as a rental property to support and being the one with the higher income i have to go back in order to keep it all afloat.. like u i dont want to have to step back and hate myself for it later..
if it makes you feel any better i console myself with the fact that i will be doing it because i do love hunter and want to provide for him and make sure that he will have a better future... still heartbreaking going to check out centres though.

[GIZMOE]

Hi Hunter's Mum & Nat,

Thank you for your reply's. You can't win either way can you. No matter what decsion you make in regard to work or staying at home their are issues!

My baby hasn't even arrived yet, not on Mat leave until Feb and I am not wanting to go back to work already!! how sad is that :)

It's funny how things change. When I finished uni all I wanted to do was have a career and settle down with a family at 30!!!!! boy did that change when I met my husband :D

I think we just have to do the best we can and I know if we sold up the house to rent so I could stay at home I don't think we would be able to afford to go back into the buying market for a very long time :eek:

[kiwibird27]

If you desperately want to be a stay at home Mum - make it happen - sell the house buy a cheaper one - sell a car (If u have 2) A certain % of parents physically can't live with themselves when the try and go back to work - If you can do without some "things" or move somewhere cheaper, do it, give up going out to dinner - there will always be work, there will only be ONE child

I am not trying to annoy all u working parents out there I am due in June and intend to return to work, some people go thru the worst kind of hell returning to work and when they look at what they can do without - suddenly they can stay at home.
Stop stressing and look at all your options seriously!!!!!!!
You are not and never will be a bad mother cause you are looking for advise and support-whatever you decide - just make it work!!!!! :o

[mumworkingoverseas]

Welcome to Mummy Guilt!!!

I too went back to work early, not because I needed the money but because I have a great career that I worked hard to build. Some people say it is selfish to go back to work, I say that different things work for different families.
You are contributing to your family's well being. You are helping keep your marriage solid by not placing an immense financial pressure on your husband and insisting that you stay at home,while he solely bears the burden. I think you are being responsible.
That said, as a PP mentioned if you felt strongly (both you and your partner) that you wanted to be at home, then often you can find a way to make it work, but it usually entails downsizing. However, not everyone is comfortable with downsizing, some people value their financial security.
My point is that you need to establish (with your partner) what your priorities are and work towards them. People may disagree with you but really who cares. You need to find an option that works for you and your family. Ignore the critics, their lives are rarely perfect. Even though it may not seem like a choice, going back to work is a choice. If you think of it as such you are less likely to feel stressed about going back to work.
Some ideas for when you return to work:
- You are a public servant, is childcare available in your building or nearby. This way you can call in during the day to see your child. My DH worked next door to DD's childcare centre and would go across at lunchtime and feed her.
- If you can afford it, get a cleaner once a week. It is worth the money to have the time with your child each evening.
- Cook in bulk on the weekend and make portions to freeze so you can reheat meals during the week.
- When you and DH arrive home, spend family time with your child. Chores can wait.
- Do you have flex time? Perhaps you can start work early and DH have time with baby in the morning and drops baby at childcare. Then you can finish a bit earlier and pick baby up and spend extra time with them. Or vice versa.
Good luck it will all come together in the end. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Naggy]

Hi Amy G

All the other mums on this thread have given some great advice and covered pretty much everything - booking into childcare early (don't need the stress of no place when you are ready to go back to work - believe me it's never too early to book in - except I do know some places make you pay from the start of the year even if you don't intend to use the place from say, Feb or March).

I too am a public servant and took up the part-time option. I'm currently working 4 days one week and 3 the next. Talk to your personnel secition and get them to do some sums for you, as I worked out that by adding an extra day ie, 4 and 4, it was only worth about another $20 to me due to jumping a tax bracket. I would find any more than this and I'd be too exhausted anyway!

As xkwzit said, I went back to work for my mental sanity and the fact I can talk to other adult people, I find that when I have time for my little man now, I really make the most of it. I truly believe that some kind of outside help is necessary - as the others said - ironing, homeshop, or a cleaner - or all three if you can afford it!!! I've told DH there is no way I'm working this year without a cleaner!

Good luck - I think you'll find that as your little person gets older and more used to childcare it becomes easier, I know my little guys loves it as he gets to interact and play trains with his little mates all day long - something I would not have the time to do even if I was home every day!

One last thought - family day care - quite inexpensive compared to a centre, and I found leaving my bub in a home environment when he was only 12 months old was not as stressful as if I'd had to leave him in a big centre.

Naggy