Not quite sure.......

[babyboo]

For those of you who are experiencing or have experienced having a child with a partner that 'went wrong' and finding someone new.

Some of you may of read some of my other posts.....im at a bit of a crossroads and in need of some help.

I have a dd (3.5) from my ex of 10yrs. we seperated about 2 years ago. I now have a new partner who is at my house most of the time but we are thinking of moving in together (thus causing loss of financial independance, etc)

He has a 7 year old dd that I havent met yet. She lives with her mother and I havent seen him and her interact yet. Am a little nervous of being a second mum (basically) to another child - when we have her. and she also doesnt know about us or about dd yet.

He is wonderful with my dd and a real dad dad - the kind of guy that gives his all.

Im find it difficult with the decision of taking that step of moving in together and being the happy family when dd is from my previous relationship. How do you get around the feelings of you dont want him to feel burdened with your child (even though he doesnt feel that way).

Its really playing on my mind - I would love to hear some of your experiences and stories. It might make it a bit easier and less scary if i do.

Basically I feel *@#* scared!!!!!

[MrsDribbleDrawers]

Can I ask how it is that you are thinking of having this person in your life permanently, but haven't met his child yet? I always find it interesting when people don't share all of themselves (sorry, might be the wrong wording... but my pregnant brain is struggling to explain itself these days.) For me, there was never any consideration of not sharing my child with my partner, or sharing his child with me.

Being step-mum is hard. My son doesn't remember his mum (she passed away when he was three), but personally I find the hardest thing in our relationship is that I didn't parent his most formative years, someone else did, and they did it differently to me! That takes some getting used to, and after ten months, I still struggle with it on a daily basis!

And then, like all kids, after having a cr@p (cr@p) day where he really insisted on pushing my buttons every chance he got, he comes to me at bedtime with a hug and a kiss and loves me just the same.

I think you need to see how he interacts with his child before you make any decisions, and spend time getting to know her as well... ultimately, she will become part of your family as well, even if it is only on fortnightly visits.

Good luck.

[babyboo]

Its not that he doesnt want us to meet her - he does. I think he doesnt know how to approach the subject with his dd and his ex. As I dont either.

She lives away from us and only comes down our way when her mum is travelling to the area. And we very rarely get up that way.

He would love to see more of her.

He's great with dd, treats her like his own.

[MrsDribbleDrawers]

Hmmm... maybe establishing a phone relationship? At least if you talk to her on the phone, she can start to get to know you. And as for the ex, it's not really about her, it's about her daughter... hopefully she'll be grown up about you guys moving in together (the ex, I mean) And maybe start discussions about your partner's daughter spending time with you during school holidays - he is entitled to see her, after all!!

That's about all my addled brain can think of at the moment... it's some food for thought for you, anyway. Good luck.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

I had similar thing when I was with my DH at first...we were living together and married before I really met his children...not because of him not wanting me to get to know them but because of the birthmothers issues being put before the welfare of her child. I did meet them briefly once in the local pub where the ex walked in dumped the kids with us for an hour went for a drink and said see how long she sticks around now...:banghead: THen we actually went overseas, so all contact was by phone - which actually is a great way (though hard at first) to slowly try and get them used to you...we then came back to take them on holiday - they were so excited to see their Daddy and they were excited to see me too...my DSD was very nervous to start with and to the truth so was I - I think we both wanted to impress each other :D but after a couple of days it was just fine...kids pretty good at going with the flow...actually now we back in Oz and see them more, it is now some of the things I expected to be an issue then, are coming out...but I more confident about my relationship with them and coping pretty well with comments such as if you hadnt met Daddy my Mummy says we would still be a family(not true bit warped!) and sometimes I wish you and Matilda had another Daddy to be with so Mummy and Daddy got back together...
I also find it tricky with silly things like their manners to me are shocking and they have no table manners either, they are allowed to stay up all hours and have no respect for anyone...but I realise that it must be hard for them too with 2 such different family lifestyles and I am as accomodating as I can be without allowing totally inappropriate stuff. It is hard I sometimes feel as I got a ready made family which I have no real part in, where like you say you had no major part in upbringing but if you intend to stay with your DP you will be a huge part of her life and I think it the present and future relationship that you will be able to nurture...
I am now rambling...sorry!

[babyboo]

I had similar thing when I was with my DH at first...we were living together and married before I really met his children...not because of him not wanting me to get to know them but because of the birthmothers issues being put before the welfare of her child.



Yeah, I think the hardest part is the ex. DP and I were talking about it last night and he was saying that its the breaking of the ice about the subject that is the hard part.

I dont think his ex is going to take too kindly to another 'mother figure' with her dd. Which I totally understand because im a mother myself. I have the same issue with my ex's partner and she doesnt have any kids and cant have any.

Its been since Nov 06 that he has seen her and she must be wondering why she hasnt seen him. She is his child and he does have a right to spend time with her on a regular basis. He thinks that the ex gets a little upset (kind of jealous) that he and his dd have such a close relationship. But i did say to him that i would like to see him with his daughter. parenting skills and all cause apart from with my dd I havent seen that side of him yet.

Can I ask how long it was until you and you partner lived together and got married. Do you have children that arent your DH's?

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

We lived together for 7 months and then got married bit of a whirlwind romance...but for both of us it was love at first sight...sadly he only had known his ex for 2 weeks before she fell pregnant (she told him on pill but wasnt) so he didnt really ever love her in that way just his daughter and then she did it again WTF four years later but by then my DH was suffocating and the relationship was very unhealthy for the children...
THe ex still ahs lots of issues nearly 4 years on...and is very jealous of the relationship between my DSD and my DH...and she witholds visits to get at them both...which is soooooo childish...
No I dont have any other children other than DH's...

[pegasus]

I think my life mirrors mytillieroo's a bit.

I met my hubby in the October, I met the kids (were then, 2 and 4) in January, but we didn't move in together till the December just over a year after we met. Got engaged the next May and married in November (so two years after we met). Hubby was the one who wanted to wait till I met them - he wanted to make sure I was going to be around for a good while. In the mean time their mother has had men move in 2weeks after the last boyfriend moved out and had the kids call a couple of them dad or step dad when the relationship hasn't gone the distance.

Hubby kept asking me to move in, but I worked and lived 100km away from him, so it took a fair bit of convincing for me to give up my independence (I'd sworn off men when I met him, so the fact that he was proposing within 2weeks I wasn't going for).

The children's mother has given us nothing but grief since the beginning. (I put an assault charge on her the first time I met her). She had only known hubby 5weeks when she got pregnant (told hubby she was on the pill), then WTF (no, I didn't cut and paste from mytillieroo's post) she's pregnant again 2 years later (pill didn't work again - yeah right). Hubby is the stupid one here!!! (I put it down to him being young, dumb and you know the rest - he was 18 when he met her.

We've had many visits witheld and then the kids get told they'll be sent to live with us if they misbehave. We want them to come when they choose these days, so that it's a positive experience, instead of being viewed as a punishment and time away from their friends, football or whatever is happening on the weekends.

I only have kids to my hubby and we know the ex has used them as weapons between hubby and the first two kids (eg since he now has a boy and girl he doesn't need the first two - not true, but I think she believes it so the step kids get told it). The step kids seem fine with their half brother and sister, but hard to know what goes on in a 13 and 11 year old's head. When their mother calls my kids the f***ing kids you got to hope they don't always listen to their mother - very sad.

[myprecious]

Hi

Once the ex knew I was on the scene my mum suggested I talk to her. I know it sounds nuts. Anyway I did. I msged to see if she would and she said yes. I then sent another msg saying when I would and I was a bit nervous.
When I called I said hi, I wanted us to be pleasant for the kids and stressed we cant let all our feelings get in the way in front of kids, that Ill care for her child to the best of my ability and would prob make mistakes like all parents, never try to be his mother, not talk badly of her to him and hope she would do the same in return however she felt. Basically i didnt want to be seen as trying to replace her ever. I was just bonus family that would love her child. I understood it would be weird for her too because whilst dads are good women are more maternal so I would have to have a major role when the skids were over

Anyway it was good and I heard through the grapevine she had appreciated it.
My partner and her hadnt talked that civily in years so it actually helped all round with "moving on" and she quit bad mouthing their dad to them.
I dont think it would work if someone knows them before they break up or causes the break up. These two had been seperated for 3 years.

I dont like her but the kids think we are great mates and that makes their dysfunctional lives so much easier.

Therres loads of emotions involved in all this so preparing everyone beforehand with some basic rules and pleasantries really worked for us.
Good luck megan

[myprecious]

oh i forgot to mention before you all marvel at my maturity that my mums idea behind calling the ex was the old motto "keep your friends close and your enemies closer..." It makes the kids lives better so it really does work!

[Gumby]

I have 2 dd's to my x of 6 years. We split 3 years ago. Telling him about my new dp was hard because I knew he would make life hard. My new dp met me and my kids for the first time at the same time so he knew I had a job to do and that it wasnt going to be easy for us.
When I found out I was preg with ds1 I knew my ex would spit chips and in some ways he did. But I just bit the bullet and my new dp (soon to be husband) have a happy family with my 2 girls and our son.

All you can do is be honest. It might not be easy but it you want it that badley, trust me its worth it :D

Take care I hope it all works out for you.

[pegasus]

I dont like her but the kids think we are great mates and that makes their dysfunctional lives so much easier.


Totally with you megan - it's all about what the kids know and believe - it's really nothing about us.


At the end of the day - we have to put aside how we really feel to interact in the most postive manner that we can. I hate what hubby's ex does in terms of the language she uses, how she talks about my children etc. As hubby said to me today - in 5 years time (whe my DSD will be 18 and my DSS will be 16 will I care what ex thinks or says about me - probably not - they should be able to form their own opinions by then

At the moment - it's a lot about eating humble pie, even if you don't agree, I just say - "yes dear" to keep the peace (not really in those exact words, but you get my meaning). All I do is keep thinking it's about the good of the child!

I certainly believe in the old adage of keep your friend close and your enemies closer...