Not sure if I love my DH anymore

[Mumma_al]

I don't know where to start so i guess i'll tell you about my situation 1st.

My partner and I have a 15mth old Girl, She's my 1st child. DH has 3 Boys to previous relationships, the youngest 2 boys being to his ex-wife, the eldest boy to I guess a girlfriend at the time. We have 70% custody of the 2 youngest and see the elsest on school holidays.

My girl doesnt sleep thru the night, she wakes every30mins to 2 hours and will only settle with me. - so i dont get much sleep. I'm also anemic, between the sleep deprevation and anemia I dont have alot of energy durring the day.

Last few months has felt like im just following routine, doing house work, cooking dinner etc and then the next day starts all over again. My dh is in the army so alot of the time im left to look after 3 kids on my own and also hold down a job.

I have an ok relationship with his boys, we obviously have our moments like all familys. They can get on my nerves a bit when that have just come back from there mothers, they forget there manners, which is no biggy, what really anoys me is they just expect me to buy them what ever they want when they want without doing something to earn it.

I dont know if its the fact that im just so worn out, but i dont think i love my partner anymore. I've tried to tell him that im worn out, he doesnt listen, just tells me to take my iron tablets and trys to remind me that he's helping out -which he isnt. He expects me to be intermit with him all the time - im just not interested anymore, im so tired so i try and take any available time to sleep- ive told him that this is the reason why and he just thinks im making up excuses.

last night had just done it for me - he worked yesterday and then went out to a bucks night after. he told me he would only be a few hrs so that he could help me with the kids so i could have a rest. next thing I get a phone call waking me up at midnight wanting me to let him in because he left his keys at home.

I feel like he is trying to make me like his ex-wife sometimes. He wont let me cut my hair short, im suppose to wear it long and straight - i have really think curly hair so to wear it out like that can take over an hour to straighten. i dont have time in the mornings to do my hair (he sleeps in and i have to get kids ready), so it ends up pulled up. then he tells me that he doesnt like my hair that way. He expects me to do things in the bedroom which i dont like. I had cervical cancer a few yrs ago so some positions are uncomfortable because of the surgery. he doesnt understand this, somethings im just not comfortable with. His ex-wife was a prostitute so of course she would do anything. Im expected to be dolled up and look girly all the time, just like his ex. 3 days before my daughter was due to be born I found out that he had a secret email that he had been using for the past year to use internet dating sites. I've also caught him sending dirty messages to other women on his mobile.

I've tried to talk to him, he doesnt want to listen, he just tells me that im whinging and that he loves me.

We have been together for 6 years, every month since we have been together he has told me that he was going to marry me by the end of that year. the last time he said it i fronted him about it. he said he wasnt going to marry me until i let him have anal sex with me. nice hay!

I've had enough and not sure what to do about it. anyway thanks for listening was good to get it off my chest.

[Kizmet]

oh hun I dont know what to say :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[our little treasures]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

[Niki]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

hun he doesnt sound like he respects you at all, he shouldnt think he has the right to control you like he wants to. you deserve to be treated so much better than this

[Mum2Bug]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

hun he doesnt sound like he respects you at all, he shouldnt think he has the right to control you like he wants to. you deserve to be treated so much better than this

I agree with Niki

I think you need to take a good look at your relationship and decide if this is the type of person you want to be with for the rest of your life. I realise he is the father of your little girl but do you really think he is the type of person you want to bring your daughter up with, his attitude being modelled as acceptable to your daughter? I know I wouldnt and I doubt anyone else would too.

The fact that you have confided in us and are having these thoughts show that you are strong enough to have your own mind and thoughts and make your own decisions. This man doesnt respect you!!! Why would you want to marry someone like that?? He controls you, is emotionally cheating on you, goes behind your back to do stuff and treats you like ****!

Please think seriously about the life and family you are considering bringing your daughter up in. And good luck for your future decisions. We are all here to support you!

[Harmony83]

Oh wow I am so sorry for what you are going through. What a nasty piece of work! I am so sorry, but I think you deserve so much better than him...
I can tell just by the tone of your post that you are worn out by all of this, I dont think he is going to improve so maybe you should think about building a better life for you and your daughter! I know it will be so hard for you, but I really think it would be better for you in the long run... Im sure other girls who have been through this can give you all the advice you need on how to go about leaving him.
I wish you all the best...

[damien's mum]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

Yup i agree Little treasures! No-one has to put up with that, you are who you are, you shouldn't have to be someone else, for anyone else! :hugs: :hugs:

[oleander]

Get the hell out of there. No one deserves to be treated like that. He's controlling you, he's a cheat, he's using you and his attitude towards women is appauling.

I know I wouldnt want my daughter growing up in that sort of environment, watching her father treat her mother like garbage.

Find the strength to get out of there asap:hugs:

[melfunction]

After reading your post I'm not at all surprised you aren't sure if you love him. I would find it extremely difficult to love someone who has no respect for me either.

Telling you that unless you have anal sex with him, he won't marry you, in my world, is completely unacceptable.

You have a decision on your hands. I'm sending you the strength to make the correct one.

[Little_Toad]

Probably a good thing that you don't love him and even better that he hasn't asked you to marry him.

What would you say if he did propose? Do you just want to be married or married to him?

Sounds like a perfect time to be looking for a way out, then you can have you and your daughter and spend quality time with her instead of kids from his previous relationships.

[Seekrit]

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this, it must be very difficult.

Is Couples Counselling out of the question? I suggest you look into at least that.

[jessgray]

1 word: leave
:hugs:

to say he'll only marry you if you have anal sex is not on:shame: :hugs:

[munchkin05]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

couldnt have said it better

you dont need his bull ****

sending lots of :hugs: :hugs: your way

you need to find a man that will respect you and love you for you not to try and make you like his ex

[littledarling]

I don't know what to say either, just wanted to send you lots of these :hugs: and let you know that you are a strong person who can do what you need to do.:hugs:

[V8]

That's totally disrespectful. I would just leave, how could you love someone like that?

[Me]

:hugs:

You are your own person, don't let him make you be someone you are not. If he's not wanting to be with you for who YOU are, then perhaps a break might bring him to his senses.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

:hugs:

[our little treasures]

I was wondering how you were going and if you have decided?

[InSaneOne]

i would leave him.

you would be better off - from the souinds of things he is using you as a babysitter for his kids and couldn't care less about you. you don't deserve to be treated like that and you should leave now.

[~mia&ryan~]

i would leave him.

you would be better off - from the souinds of things he is using you as a babysitter for his kids and couldn't care less about you. you don't deserve to be treated like that and you should leave now.
Completely agree:yes: .... :hugs: I hope you are okay...:hugs:

[Mumma_al]

ihe is using you as a babysitter for his kids and couldn't care less about you. .

yes that is exactly how im feeling

firstly thanks to everyone who has replied the response is over whelming. Im so amazed that so many poeple out there are so carring

Last night i tried to tell him that i was having trouble sleeping, he replied with "where are the car keys" and then called me useless cause i didnt know - so i got up and spent the night in my daughters bedroom.

I think im ready to tell him exactly how im feeling - I know if i talk to him he wont listen so im going to write it all down - that way at least i can get everything out and i'll know that ill get to mention everything without him cutting me off.

Leaving is something that i have been thinking about, at the moment i cant financially support my daughter and I. My family and friends live atleast 2 hours away so i cant stay with them, I have a good job here and would be stupid to leave it. Im working 3 days a week (cos of bubby) at the moment, im thinking that i'll try for a full time position that way ill have enough money to pay for food, rent and day care.

In the many hours that I was awake last night I made a decision that while im still here im going to just look after bubby and me, that includes washing clothes and cooking dinner. I also thought that i'm going to give them a taste of there own medicine. Im vegetarian (the only one in this house) I've always put the others before me, Especially the children, so usually my meal look rather lame compared to theres. DH cooked dinner not so long ago, he didnt make anything for our girl, him and his boys had a huge lovelly dinner in front of them, Me i got plain dry pasta and overcooked frozen veges. SO tonight Guess what they are getting!!!!! My bubby and I are going to have something yummy!!!!!

Oh and im cutting off my hair to the way I like it!

[melfunction]

Oh and im cutting off my hair to the way I like it!

You go girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jessgray]

:smiliedance: wooohooo i hope your hair looks fab;)

[Bibs]

:hugs:
You and your bub deserve so much better.

[Melo]

:hugs: Geez, no wonder why you say you dont love him.

You and your DD deserve so much better!

Enjoy getting your hair cut :D

[V8]

I hope you eventually do decide to leave him, he sounds horrible. If you are de-facto (which assuming you are as you have a child), he's in the army, they should help with removals and things like that if you decide to leave, so don't feel you can't afford to move out or move on, cause you can do it. It's called a 'seperation of marriage' or dissolusion of marriage and the army will give you money and move your stuff to somewhere else.

This is just an option if you do decide to leave.

[Mumma_al]

I confronted DH yesterday, Actually i broke down on the phone to him. I couldnt say everything that I needed to. I had been writting out a huge letter before he called so i decided to email it to him at work, saying everything that I wanted to say. It was so good to get it off my chest and finally get through to him what ive been bottling up for so long. I actually even got some sleep last night and i felt great today. i felt like me again.

Im sure he read what i wrote and took it in, he seemed very upset at the thought that id leave, maybe even suprised? maybe he didnt think that was a possibility?

So we had a chat last night and sorted some stuff out. got a few things straight. He rekons that he wants to marry me for who i am not what i will do. I made a point to say that its my body and im not going to do things that I dont want to do.

I came home to a super clean house this arvo, he'd spent all morning cleaning the house from top to bottom while i was at work, and he'd even done a heap of washing and ironing, which he doesnt do.

I know that he was on here today looking at this post while i was at work or at least trying too. not that it matters theres nothing on here that i havnt already told him. Im hoping that he did read it along with every ones replies.

Thanks again to everyone who posted a reply, I feel so much better getting it out in the open, and have a clearer head to make desicions about where i go from here

:hugs: to you all

[melfunction]

YAY Mumma Al :smiliedance:Sometimes men just need a reminder that we are prepared to do what it takes for our own happiness.

I hope you feel empowered and strong. You certainly deserve too :hugs:

[brooke]

im so glad that he has "for now" opened his eyes up to see what he could lose!

just be sure not to stay in a relationship where you are being used and controlled!

I hope that he begins to treat you as well as you deserve... as well as the mother of his daughter deserves to be treated! :hugs:

we are always here if you need a chat!

and you go girlfriend on the hair! :smiliedance:

[Jender]

Again, don't fall into the abusive relationship trap. This is textbook stuff, where someone "changes" for a short time but them reverts to previous behaviour. I think you think couples counselling before you make a permanent decision to remain in the relationship. Abuse can come in many forms - and he may not even realise it - but what you have experienced is emotional abuse which cuts down your self-worth and self esteem and impacts on your daughter. You do not want her growing up and feeling that this behaviour is acceptable - that is how abuse is perpetuated through generations. Mistakes get repeated. Its not as though someone cannot change - but they usually need professional help to make the change permament - and that's what you need

[Wish_Bear]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

I totally agree!!!:yes: :yes:

[sarahs]

Okay, I could excuse most of his behaviour (sleeping in etc, not understanding how you do) but not respecting that you are not in the mood sometimes, certain positions etc are uncomfortable for you, cheating on you (at least emotionally) via internet dating and sms and stringing you along on the marriage path are not on. It amazes me that anyone would love such a &^%$ You deserve someone who shows you basic respect and love and he certainly doesn't.

You most certainly do deserve better. I'd be taking your baby girl and getting the hell!out!:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Good luck!

[mum2anthony]

Yup i agree Little treasures! No-one has to put up with that, you are who you are, you shouldn't have to be someone else, for anyone else! :hugs: :hugs:

I agree Leash!!!

No woman deserves to be controlled..

Stand up for yourself and kick his butt to the curb!!!!!

[Pobblebonk]

I agree with the abusive relationship pattern. It sounds to me like he read your email, and got scared, and is trying to make up for all his past disgraceful behaviour towards you. Like someone else said, textbook stuff.

I know he said he wants to marry you for who you are, but if that really was the case, why would he tell you that he wont marry you until you let him have anal ex with you? That's incredibly RUDE!

And I know he's done his whole cleaned the house thing, but so did my ex. We had just bought our DS home from hospital and it was the first time we were going to have to do the nasal gastro tube feeding on our own. I had gotten very sick myself from being at the hospital the whole time, and getting no sleep. It was a bowling league night and he decided that going bowling was more important than helping me out with DS. He even took the afternoon off work so that he could visit DS in the hospital so that he could still go bowling in the evening, that's how highly bowling ranked on his list. Because if it came down to seeing DS in hospital, or bowling, bowling would win. I hit the roof and packed up and went to go stay with my Dad and his girlfriend. When I got home, the house was completely spotless too. And repeated text messages from him wanting recognition for all of his efforts. Mind you, he never lifted a bloody finger before.

I don't think I could love someone who called me useless because I didn't know where the car keys were. Why didn't he get up and look for them himself?

If I were you, I would leave. He doesn't treat you very well and before you go singing his praises for his 'new, helpful self', go back and read your previous posts in this thread.

If a friend of yours told you all the same stuff - what would you tell her?

[Whispers]

:hugs: Oh what a loser he sounds like. I would stomp on his head and walk out. See how he copes raising his 2 boys by himself. that made me angry reading that how dare he treat you like that tahts it where do you live im comming over lol

[*Chels*]

He sounds like a pig.
Its really great that you told him how you were feeling,and that he has started behaving.But how long will it last?
Abuse comes in many forms-he is emotionally abusing and controlling you.Even making you do certain positions in the bedroom and trying to force you into things you dont wanna do ie anal is abuse!
I would get serious help-counselling at least.If hes not up for that-hes not willingly to change.
Good luck with it all-just remember you and your daughter are worth so much and you dont deserve to live an unhappy life.

[mumofcaleb]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

I agree. Sweetie you need to get yourself a back bone (no offense) and make some serious changes. He sounds like a VERY controlling, mean, lazy SOB. You know that this sort of treatment is not tolerated. If you are serious about ending this relationship get some counselling first. You can call relationships australia or ask your GP of anyone they may know.
Thinking of you.
PM me if you need to chat :hugs:

[princessarra]

I agree with everyone else..... you should leave him. I consider myself a pretty broad minded person but that last paragraph blows me away. If he wants that sort of thing why did he leave his ex the prostitute ??? Isn't that her job to do things like that to men (perverts) like him.

[iluvmeboyz]

you should leave him do what you think is best

[bigglet]

If your daughter came up to you and told you the exact same thing that was happening in her relationship what would you say?

You poor thing.... getting out of a long term relationship is never easy but staying in one that offers no or little support with someone that treats you like that is even worse.

:hugs:

[Meljem]

Hi there, i was just wondering how things are going with you and your partner at the moment? I hope things have improved and you have stood up to him a bit. Take care xx :hugs:

[Treen]

I am also so sorry to hear that you are going through this hard time. Here's my 2c: Most of the time we know deep down in our hearts, the decision we need to make, but we're just terrified to walk it out. There always comes a point were it just gets too painful to deal with. I went through this this year, when I made that difficult decision to leave. It's like childbirth-something we can all relate to, hypothetically if no other way- like when the head crowns and you just don't want to do it anymore, you gotta just bite down and push it out;)
I'm sure you know deep down in your heart what you need to do, and I pray that you have the support and strength to walk it out. Because let me tell you, on the other side of that painful point comes extreme relief, and though it will be hard, if you can persevere your life will be infinitely better.
They say when a man tells you who is, listen. And it sounds like this man is telling you who he is. PLease listen to him. Truth is, if he's hiding emails for dating sites, he's hiding a lot more.
You are a woman, let alone a mother, and the depths of your strength will amaze you!


PM me if you ever need to chat to someone who has just been there, and is now happier and stronger than ever. Much love to you :hugs:


OOPS, I misread the date of your posting., so this is coming in months later..I'm a twit....anyway, how are you doing...we'd all love to know where you are at...

[UmmInayah]

What you can do is LEAVE!!
Sorry but that last paragraph is enough to make me walk out and never go back!! Your a women and you shouldn't be putting up with that.

I would have to agree there.. I think a husband should be understanding! I would definitely leave. I know it is easier said than done sometimes, but he sounds like he is using you from what you have posted.

[Lipsmacker01]

Im sorry about your situation and I dont know if Im in the position to say this but he really sounds to be the lowest scum of the earth!!
A real man wouldnt say horrible things like that about your looks and talk dirty like that to u.

Id be so angry and shame on him:shame:.
I know every man is different but when I compare what I have to u it just doesnt sound fair. You and your gorgeous baby girl deserve so much better. Communication and empathy/support means so much in a relationship.
Im no expert but If he cant talk to you in a rational and grown up way, I personally would give him the boot. Its so hard when you have a little girl in the picture and custody of other children as well.

He sounds like he needs to grow up (kind of like my dad to be honest). Mum gave him the boot a long time ago and I thank god she did as he was an absolute user.

If I were you I would get in touch with crisis centres like the Salvation Army. They were a huge help and offered my single mum and my two other siblings accomodation when we were younger. That is what they are there for.

Seriously, you need to do something now as you are clearly depressed and it will only make things worse if you stay. No one deserves to be treated like this and Im amazed you have so much on your plate.


I dont know what else to say other than to empathize with you and hope you will make the best choice for yourself and your precious little baby.:hugs:

[dragonflyblu]

I just found this thread. i hope everything is okay with you and your bubs.

But I have to say you need some perspective, I( agree talk to someone about it. Did I understand this right...

-yells at you for not knowing where keys are?
-not only suggests how you should where your hair but TELLS you!
-you work and look after a baby AND be stepmum?
-you have health issues and sleep deprivation but YOU do all the housework and cooking?
-he has sex demands/expectations?

you must have heaps of examples like this?


and he cleans the house and he is BETTER NOW? **** no! that is not okay!!! cleaning the house does not mean he understands. cleaning the house is not enough. He needs serious counselling to break this pattern of abuse. He should be grateful that you look afdter his children. he should love you and think you are beautiful ALL THE TIME.

Sorry I have been thinking of this all morning. I left my DH once for much less than what you are going through! you are obviously an educated, strong women. But it is not okay to be treated like this.