View Full Version : Talking with kids re drugs, alcohol etc
Chickadee
22-11-2005, 22:01
Since there seemed to be some interest in discussing how to deal with our kids wanting to try drugs (legal or illegal), I wanted to start a new thread for it. If your own experiences or observations of drug use have influenced the approach you'll take, feel free to say how and why but please keep it in context.
My daughter's only 2. I'm planning on delaying all this discussion with her for a few years yet! I guess I'd want to have an open door policy, that she can talk to me about drugs or anything else, and I know I'll actually need to initiate the conversation sometimes. But I'm honestly not sure how to reach that ideal openess. My parents never really discussed drugs with me, though on alcohol it was quite clear that I was allowed to drink so long as it was responsibly and I called them for a ride at any time rather than risk driving myself.
Ana Gram
22-11-2005, 22:40
I wouldn't have a clue how to talk to my daughter about it as I want to be honest with her and it would be hypocritical of us to say "Don't do Drugs"
nemosmum
23-11-2005, 06:20
Yes I too would like to have an open healthy relationship with DS and be able to talk freely about this topic with him (when his a little older lol)
DH has other ideas: When he was growing up his parents threatened to break his legs with a cricket bat if he or his brothers touched drugs :eek:
Yet when it came to alcohol they too condoned it as long as they were at home or at a party!
This approach worked for them, neither of their boys ever touched drugs and both say they are glad their parents took a hard line about drugs with them.
DH actually thinks it worked a treat as he was pretty crazy in his youth and knowing where his parents stood on the matter made the decision (when offered drugs) alot easier to say NO.
Hmmmm I will not be taking the "Ill break your legs" approach with our DS but I will take a firm stand against drugs and this includes under age drinking as I feel this is just as dangerous.
Its a tricky topic so Im thankful DS is still so young :)
I wouldnt know how to approach it, and would probably have to research how to approach the topic!
I dont remember my parents talking to me about drugs - I lead a pretty sheltered life until my first boyfriend was addicted to weed and LSD. I didnt think it was such a big deal until it destroyed his family and our relationship. Alcohol was a much bigger thing towards the last couple of years of school, and remembering back to some of those year 12 parties, as a parent I would not liked to have seen my son or daughter curled up in the foetal position in the bushes, spewing up - just as much as I would not like to see them do illegal drugs.
I have done various things during my 'younger years' :rolleyes: , but I dont consider it to be hypocritical to tell your children not to do drugs if you have done them yourself in the past (of course telling your child not to take heroin while there is a needle sticking out of your arm may be a touch hypocritical). I dont see any benefit in telling your children of any experimentation (or God forbid, addiction) that you have had with drugs in the past.
As parents and role models we have an absolute responsibility to try and steer them away from it. I dont think my kids need to know about what I have done in the past, they just need to know about whats right and wrong and hopefully I can bring my son up to know the difference and make educated and responsible choices.
Supermum
23-11-2005, 07:23
My husband and I are advocates of arming our children with as much information as we can ... when we deem the time appropriate. They will know that drugs (any drugs ... not just illicit) are powerful, some have a place in this world ... some don't.
I come from the Western Suburbs of Sydney. It was a harsh world. Lots of drugs and lots of alcohol abuse.
I also grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent and I believe that alcohol is perceived as safe by too many simply because it can be purchased over the counter by anyone who looks remotely within the vicinity of 18.
As they are only 2½ and 1½ respectively, I'm thankful I don't have to discuss it just yet.
Alcohol was a much bigger thing towards the last couple of years of school, and remembering back to some of those year 12 parties, as a parent I would not liked to have seen my son or daughter curled up in the foetal position in the bushes, spewing up - just as much as I would not like to see them do illegal drugs.
I agree completely.
Don't get me wrong I don't think that drug taking in any form is appropriate but I think in some instances drinking alcohol can be more dangerous.
I think I would be open and honest with my kids and try to ensure that we can talk to each other about anything at all.
Hmm tough subject.
This is a tough subject!
DH and I have talked about this, ages before I fell pg, and we've kind of agreed on dissuading our kid/s from taking drugs - but if they feel the need to experiement, for them to do so at home, where we can watch over them and call the ambos as soon as things look like they're heading south.
Sounds a bit idealistic, doesn't it? I would prefer that they don't do drugs at all, but, I think that saying that they won't touch them - well, they'll be teens one day, and kids rebel.
As for alcohol, this is a very interesting subject for me. My dad was allowing me to drink from 3 years of age (only small sips, mind you) - my dh's parents wouldn't let him touch it until he was 18. On his 18th, he went out and got so trashed that he ended up in hospital, repeat for 21st, and coming close to it on various occassions in between. From 18 to 23 or so, he'd go out clubing every single night and get drunk, every single night. (This was also partially due to the crowd he was hanging around) Where as I, being able to get alcohol from home, was having one or two drinks when out with friends and would usually end up carring them home - litterally. (sp)
Because of this, dh and I have decided that when the child is older (ie - 15+) they can have small sips of what we're having, and at 16/17+ can have weak drinks at home. Knowing about alcohol, how it affects you, and what you can and can't drink makes a big difference. All of my friends who weren't allowed to drink at home would go out and get sloshed as often as they could, yet the ones who were allowed, didn't really care about drinking - we just wanted to have fun!
I hope that this makes sense, and I've tried not to ramble on. I'm not trying to convince anyone that letting your kids drink as early as my dad let me is right, just trying to explain my reasons. :)
Sorry I thought of something else.
I think that educating our kids is probably the most important thing we can do. When I reflect on how I was brought up my parents were not very open at all. I would never tell them what I was doing because I knew the horrible reaction I would get. I don't want to have this with my son but I also think that my parents did the right thing in educating me that drugs can kill you.
I never did and never will do any type of drug that could kill me. I find it really hard to understand how anyone (even teenagers) can experiment with things like ecstacy when you don't know what is in it and it can kill you. I just boggles my mind to be honest. :rolleyes:
So horray to my always educating parents. :)
Its a tough one and There is no right or wrong answer as such.
I was just talking about this the other day with my husband and I think it all comes down to the individual child and the approach you will take.
My parents were always open about what they did and let me listen and watch any movies from a young age!
They were always pretty strict about me going out (not my brothers) and I was always open an honest about what I was doing etc.
I never tried anything.. a bit of a scardy cat.. always was afraid that i might die or something but all of my friends did and I think that was enough for me to think " I dont want to turn out like that or look like that"
My brother on the other hand drinks almost everyday (he is 20) I drink occasionally bit when I was 17 I drank so much that I was really really sick and didnt touch it again for over a year!
My parents were mostly firm believers that they can educate us as much as possiable but in the end we will make our own choices on things.... Then they would just Break our legs! :rolleyes: Not kidding......
- but if they feel the need to experiement, for them to do so at home, where we can watch over them and call the ambos as soon as things look like they're heading south.
I really dont know what to make of this!! Firstly and hypothetically, if I was to take an ecstasy tablet, I wouldnt be doing it at home with my parents watching my every move and knowing that the ambulance was on stand-by, and cant think of anyone that would do this!
I also dont know any parent that would condone drug use in their home, with so much blessing as to have procedures in place in case anything goes wrong.
I have taken drugs in the past, and certainly know that whilst being on them and whilst coming off of them, my parents were the LAST people I wanted to see!
Chickadee
23-11-2005, 08:47
There's some merit in the "do that and i'll kill you" approach. My dad used something similar for the talk he gave me on sex. It boiled down to : Sex is fine but don't you dare announce you're pregnant while you're living in my house cause we don't want to raise our own grandchild. It sounds harsh, but it was very unusual for my father to be so adamant about something - he rarely disciplined us so when he did we paid attention. And I didn't dare be so silly as to get pregnant.
I guess my point is that a tough approach can work, but it depends on the parent-child relationship. There has to be respect there otherwise a tough approach will at best be ignored and at worst lead to defiance.
He sounds like a responsible dad! If only more parents could be like this! :)
ThomasMum
23-11-2005, 09:16
Good thread MarthaM! Now this is what I call a positive approach of being informative to our kids about the dangerous drugs.
Thomas is only 9 months old, so we have time (hopefully) to learn, and to study about how we approach him when it’s come to drugs and safe sex. It’s not going to be easy I know esp. in much modern world parenting is a huge challenge for everyone.
I grew up with non-smokers parents, my old man’s an OB/gyn/paed he told us a lot all those horrible stories about his patients who died caused by alcohol and cigarettes, for us its an education in itself. Because I remember saying to myself that there’s no way I would smoke or use any drugs whatsoever, I want to die gracefully and peacefully thank you very much! Plus my dad used to threatened us that we wont be able to study overseas (we lived in UK) if anyone of us to go anywhere near cigarettes or drugs ;)
Monkeys see monkeys do. Don’t you think? You know, most likely if you drink and do stuff your kids too will “notice” no matter how clever you are trying to hide these facts. If you drink alcohol or do any drugs near your kids, they are most likely to follow your step sooner. Although if you were smart kids, you wouldn’t do it yeah. Because Joshua’s dad is a heavy smokers (no drugs or beers drinking but), but yet Joshua doesn’t smoke or drink nor do drug.
So it’s all up to the individual I guess at the end of the day. All we have to do is being honest to our kids. Don’t smoke if you don’t want your kid to smoke…
Hmmm like I said it’s such a HUGE challenge. We really need government help on this one. How about reviewing the over the counter drugs? You can buy anything easier these days it’s so scary, what’s the point spending so much money on the campaigns against drugs?
Hopefully Thomas will be as smart as us eh not to go there. I can see how Joshua is going to be the strictest dads on earth when it’s come to this subject…
"Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with with your self esteem."
(Kurth Cobain 1967-1994)
Thomas’sMum
Sorry, should have been more specific. We were talking about the 'soft' drugs (like pot), anything else and dh would probably break their legs so they weren't able to go out and get it.
I do actually have a friend who's parents took this approach and allowed her to try whatever drugs she wanted at home - they even went out and bought them for her :eek: She tried smoking pot, but found it didn't greatly affect her. She also said that it was pretty hard to rebel and take drugs if your parents are the ones offering them to you.
I agree with Martha tho, we can plan out how we'd handle it all we want, but all it's going to come down to in the end is the child and the parent and how well they do or don't relate to each other.
You know, most likely if you drink and do stuff your kids too will “notice” no matter how clever you are trying to hide these facts.
You know how there are certain sights, sounds and smells that you remember as a child - no matter how small they are?
These are some things that I remember (and I cant remember a lot from my childhood).
* The sound of mum lighting up a cigarette and putting her lighter down on the glass table (a nighly ritual when I went to bed)
* My parents friends giving their son beer (I think he was about 3)
* Finding my dads porn magazine stash in the glovebox (good to see he tried to hide it well)
* My dad asking mum what herb she was using. She repeated 'cumin' and he replied "I wouldnt mind COMMIN' " (I think now its pronounced 'kew-min' for those reasons!)
These are things that I would love NOT to remember, but they were noticed at a very young age! I think you need to be very careful about what you do AND say around children. They may not understand at the time but they will eventually!
whatwasithinking
23-11-2005, 09:38
I but all it's going to come down to in the end is the child and the parent and how well they do or don't relate to each other.
I hate normally to get involved in these types of threads (as they can end up controversial or big bum fight but I just wanted to say something)
I understand what you are saying however I can't agree with that sentence.
Me and my two sisters came from a very loving but strict household. The communication between parents and kids were great but all of us kids when we were in our teens did try weed and other drugs.
I am now can't believe I wasted my time with it all - when I was in my 20's I was a victim of a home invasion and tide up and assaulted due to the other housemates being into the drug scene big time.
I'm not gloryifying what I did just letting people know the consequences of my actions really screwed me over big time.
Please I make apology now if I have misinterpreted this sentence but I have to interperite (sp?) my way and felt compelled to say something.
I think Donna has some good points.
I would love there to be a sure fire way to stop kids eating junk food, smoking, drinking and taking drugs! I would love to have a 'bubble boy'!!
I had a very very strict upbringing, and I think being an only child and a girl made things so much worse! I had private schooling, got a great education and was practically 'Miss Extra-Curricular 2000 - 2004", but I still drank before I was 18 and ended up taking some party drugs over the years after I moved out of home.
IMO I just grew out of it. I got bored. I realised that travelling, settling down, getting a career established and having nice things was much more important. Once I realised these things, the friends that I had during that time became very boring too. As time went by and I changed, they didnt. Some of them are now well into their 30's and are doing the same things they were doing 10 years ago. *YAWN*. They arent my friends anymore!
I think some people have addictive personalities, and some dont. Some can deal with experimenting a bit, but also know where to draw the line so they can go back to work on Monday and do their 9-5 job. Some lose all interest in work and anything outside of partying and taking drugs. Maybe it comes down to a mixture of their upbringing, mental state, issues they have with themselves.
IMO if you can give your child the best possible upbringing, morals, values, education, stable home life that you can...they still might experiment but will come out at the other end like I did - saying 'thanks for the good time, but thats enough'. They will grow up and move on.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.
nemosmum
23-11-2005, 09:53
My mum chained smoked off and on for many many years and it really did turn us kids off smoking. We would always tell her to stop we even used to get our baby brother to fake coughing fits whenever she would light up LOL Talk about the kids educating the parents!
I never had a good relationship with my folks but I never touched drugs, I did however binge drink. I believe its more about how kids feel about themselves and fitting in, if a child has good self esteem and a positive self image, is confident and happy then its unlikely they will look to other things (drugs/drink/sex) in order to make them selves feel better etc
I believe by building our DS's self esteem and letting him know what a great kid he is, how amazing and important he is to us we are in fact guiding him to becoming a happy confident individual capable of making the right choices later on in life. JMO
ThomasMum
23-11-2005, 10:03
You know how there are certain sights, sounds and smells that you remember as a child - no matter how small they are?
These are some things that I remember (and I cant remember a lot from my childhood).
* The sound of mum lighting up a cigarette and putting her lighter down on the glass table (a nighly ritual when I went to bed)
* My parents friends giving their son beer (I think he was about 3)
* Finding my dads porn magazine stash in the glovebox (good to see he tried to hide it well)
* My dad asking mum what herb she was using. She repeated 'cumin' and he replied "I wouldnt mind COMMIN' " (I think now its pronounced 'kew-min' for those reasons!)
These are things that I would love NOT to remember, but they were noticed at a very young age! I think you need to be very careful about what you do AND say around children. They may not understand at the time but they will eventually!
Ooh poor you carls, I'm glad tho that you dont just "copycat" them. Smart kid that Carla is! ;)
TM
Chickadee
23-11-2005, 10:03
My mum chained smoked off and on for many many years and it really did turn us kids off smoking. We would always tell her to stop we even used to get our baby brother to fake coughing fits whenever she would light up LOL Talk about the kids educating the parents!
Did it work? As kids my brothers harrassed my dad into quitting but started smoking themselves in their teens and still do. They may have known better, but still did. Possibly because their friends mostly smoked.
Ooh poor you carls, I'm glad tho that you dont just "copycat" them. Smart kid that Carla is! ;)
TM
Well, my partner DOES watch porn at 6:30am!.....My mum always told me that girls marry men just like their father! :D
ThomasMum
23-11-2005, 10:16
Well, my partner DOES watch porn at 6:30am!.....My mum always told me that girls marry men just like their father! :D
Coincident maybe yeah? Your mum just trying to safe her dignity lol (my apologise to Carls mum :o )
Coincident maybe yeah? Your mum just trying to safe her dignity lol (my apologise to Carls mum :o )
You dont have to apologise to my mum - we dont speak! :D
Donna, I just meant how the child takes the 'drug talk.'
I must be a bit foggy today - don't seem to be able to explain myself very clearly. :o
but all it's going to come down to in the end is the child and the parent and how well they do or don't relate to each other.
If the child and the parent don't get along, then the child isn't going to want to listen to what the parent has to say. Upon saying that, the child could be a bright one and decide that drugs aren't the way for them. Does that make sense? I don't know anymore.
I guess what I was trying to say is that it comes down to the individual. If someone wants to try, they will. If they, don't they won't. As parents (or parents to be) all we can try and do is educate, offer advice and a safe place and hope everything turns out for the best.
We will be trying my hardest to impart upon our children good morals and values, and give them a stable upbringing, good education, and home life. Hopefully all these things will contribute to them making the best decision - or, like carls did, 'grow out of it' (well done, btw! :) )
Hopefully all these things will contribute to them making the best decision - or, like carls did, 'grow out of it' (well done, btw! :) )
Well we all have to grow up some time! Unless youre like ex-friends of mine that IMO had a child too young - now they just lump their daughter on the grandparents while they spend a night partying and taking ecstasy... :mad:
I knew a girl from school who did that - with her three kids! I feel sad for her mum.
Ana Gram
23-11-2005, 11:19
Telling a child all the information about drugs and telling them it could kill them is not going to stop them. Teenagers are in most cases a ball of insecurity and parents aren't usually there when their friends are pushing them to just try it. Remember what it was like being a teenager? I could say that most of us wanted to fit in and not be seen lik a complete loser.
The trouble with drugs is that they are, more often than not, a lot of fun. And that feeling you get is addictive which is where the trouble begins.
I do feel that I would be hypocritical to tell my daughter to never do drugs as her father and I did a lot of drugs. She will most likely say what I said to my parents which was "you did them"
I guess what I was trying to say is that it comes down to the individual. If someone wants to try, they will. If they, don't they won't.
It's like that story of the man who was an alcoholic, dole-bludging no-hoper, in and out of jail etc (you get the idea) who had twin boys. One grew up to be exactly like his father. The other grew up to be a fine upstanding citizen with a good job and lovely family.
When asked what they thought caused them to choose the lifestyle they did, they both answered with the same reply: "With a father like that, what other choice was there?".. :rolleyes:
cosmic - lol! Well, what other choice could there be! :D
nemosmum
23-11-2005, 11:46
Did it work? As kids my brothers harrassed my dad into quitting but started smoking themselves in their teens and still do. They may have known better, but still did. Possibly because their friends mostly smoked.
One of my sisters smoked for a little bit as a teen but the rest of us never touched a ciggie LOL cant stand the smell, plus the fact I was a chronic asthmatic and had trouble breathing any way made me cautious of smoking.
DH used to work with a young apprentice whoes father would let him smoke a joint with him every now (from about the age of 13) and again "if he finished his homework" and the guy is still smoking pot and thinks that his dad did nothing wrong.
I think thats just plain crazy and irresponsible :mad:
I do feel that I would be hypocritical to tell my daughter to never do drugs as her father and I did a lot of drugs. She will most likely say what I said to my parents which was "you did them"
And this shows the 'monkey see, monkey do'....
Regardless of what youve done, where does responsible parenting come into this?
If you tell your kids about your drug usage, of course theyre going to come back and say "well you did it mum/dad" when you tell them not to do it - its creating a never-ending cycle. And you cant say anything after that because you've made a rod for your own back.
Your parents did it, told you about it, so you do it and throw it back at them, knowing that they cant tell you off because they did it, and the whole thing starts again!
Dont you think the responsible thing to do would be to break that cycle?
IMHO
In my experience, my friends with teenage/grown children who are very open about any subject and who will share their own experiences but equally inform their kids of the dangers of all options - are the ones with the most healthy relationships and whose kids will tell them anything and feel comfortable to do so. In fact they are the ones who ask their parents for advice about everything from contraception to drugs on behalf of their friends who are too scared to talk to their own parents!!!
If a subject is 'off limits' (ANY subject) you're asking for trouble in my opinion.
Ana Gram
23-11-2005, 12:19
I am a responsible parent than you very much and i take great offence to you implying that I am not.
I do not want to lie to my child as my parents didn't want to lie to me. They chose to be honest with us and my brother has never smoked and never touched any illegal drug in his life.
The issue here is how to talk to your child about drugs and to try and get them down the path of not taking them and I don't think a great start is by lying to them.
Neither of my parents smoked, yet my brother, sister and I all didIn fact, almost all of the smokers I know, their parents didn't. And the friends with parents that smoke - don't, can't stand it. Monkey see monkey do theory goes out the window with my friends! :confused:
DP and I were both brought up with the occassional sip of wine/beer and that's the way we'll bring up Eloise.
As for drugs, I figure all I can do is give her as much information as I can. And as Chelle said - that's not going to stop her from experimenting. The thing you have to worry about is how to get them not to try it AGAIN! Quite frankly - drugs scare the crap out of me - I was too scared to try anything really bad - hopefully I'll be able to instill that same fear into Eloise! My mum made me read Go Ask Alice when I was a young teen, I still have a copy.... and I'll be giving it to Eloise to read when she's old enough.
mmm, this is really interesting. My kids are only small, and dh and arent really drinkers, nor do we smoke (although i used to) but my dad and nan will sometmies let them have a little sip of beer or something like they used to do with me, and its funny my parents never smoked either yet my sister, brother and i all took it up (although now only my sister still smokes) but my mum and dad refused to accept it and continued to hassle us about it until we finally quit (still working on my sis :) )
I dont think that as parents it is our place to always be best friends with our kids, i dont see why they need to know what we did/didnt do as teenagers, if any of mine ask, i wont lie (i didnt really do drugs anyway, just some pot) but i certainly wont be telling them what i did either, its none of their business, it is my job to ensure they turn into responsible, sensible adults, sure i might not be the 'cool' mum, but thats ok, my children may not admit it at the time, but they will appreciate the boundaries, especially when they are older.
If my mum and dad had taken the stance 'oh its ok to experiment, we did and we'd rather you did it at home then somewhere else' i can imagine where i would be today and its not pretty. Most children will put in as much as you expect of them, and if thats not much, then thats all they are going to offer, i dont know of a single person who had parents that had this philosophy that has gone on to do much with their lives, but lots whose parents layed down the law that it was not on, who have gone on to do and be all sorts of wonderful things.
I will discuss the dangers with my children, i will let them know that if they are ever in trouble that they can call me and i will come, but i will also be letting them know that ANY sort of drug taking is not on and will not be tolerated in my home or by my children, this is not to say that i am under any illusion that it still will not happen, but i can guarentee it will happen alot less often, and also pretty positive it will deter any hard drug taking.
lets raise the bar, and let our childen know that we think they are fabulous, brilliant people who can reach for the stars, and that we refuse to let them waste all that talent on running around doing drugs, your children may think you are daggy at the time, but so what? when they have graduated from uni, have that high paying job, and have travelled the world, they will thank you for it, and then maybe you can have the chat about what you both really got up too when you were younger :)
Mumoffour
24-11-2005, 06:16
I have a 10 and a nine year old and try to adopt an open and honest attitude with them which is pretty scarey sometimes because my parents didnt talk about anything like that (hell, until i was 16 i thought babies came out of your anus) :eek:There was a scene on Home and Away last week when the character Kim took some party drugs and so that was a good opportunity to have a discussion about drugs.
As for smoking- well my partner smokes so we often have discussions about the damage that smoking does to your body and the fact that it isnt çool'' to have something like that hanging out of your mouth.I hope it works-hubby comes from a long line of smokers and i find the habit disgusting. :mad:
I agree with the moderation slant on drinking and will allow little sips now and then- i also dont make associations between celebrating and alcohol- for my 30th i had dinner out and a massage (bliss!) :D
It worries me that my kids can be put in danger just by a single incident and i just hope i can equip them with the personal skills and experiences so that they can be safe and act responsibly.
Hi,
This is a tough one and one that I will figure out over the years I hope. My parents were always very anti drink and drugs. My brothers and sisters and I all experimented with drugs and drank a fair bit from an early age (along with the rest of Dublin). I would not want any subject to be off limits and I would not want to lie to my child. I don't think I would be completely open though and tell my daughter all the various things I got up to in life!
Moderation is probably key as regards to Alcohol (for me anyway). Drugs is trickier - warn of all the dangers. I think the best we can do is bring up our daughter to be a confident, happy and caring individual knowing that we will always be there for her.
I have to say that I do not think that recreational drug use necessarily precludes
travelling the world, uni degree and fav job. An awful lot of the people I have known would fit in to those categories and also smoked a bit/experimented a bit in their time.
I have to say that I do not think that recreational drug use necessarily precludes
travelling the world, uni degree and fav job. An awful lot of the people I have known would fit in to those categories and also smoked a bit/experimented a bit in their time.
ah no, i didnt say recreational drug use precludes these things either, im not letting anyone twist my words around on this one!! i was simply pointing out that an acceptance of drugs in ones family can often lead to heavier use, which then becomes an addiction, which then limits ones ability to do these sort of things :)
Hi Coopsntilly,
I obviously misunderstood you - I did not intentionally twist your words. You may well be right about what the acceptance of drugs in a family does - I haveno experience of it that I can think of.
I think.. and it's just my opinion... that when they hit their teenage years, our kids are going to think we are the daggiest, oldest people in the world and that we have NO idea of their issues or what goes on amongst them and their friends. I know mums who have had warm, loving open relationships with their kids.. and then the kids morph into anti-social little monsters at around age 14, and no longer want anything to do with their 'dorky' parents. :eek: ok, I'm generalising, but I think most parents will report something similar.
I don't think we should sit our kids down and say "ok let me tell you about all the things I did when I was your age...." but I do think that by not being open enough to discuss it if it comes up, we are only perpetuating the idea in our kids' minds that we know nothing of what they are going through.
And I also think that while we need to be tough about our position on drugs etc. this attitude is what makes kids really scared to talk to their parents! I agree it's tough to find the balance, but I don't want my kids to be scared to talk to me about anything!! It's not about being the coolest mum in the world, but doing whatever I can to make sure those lines of communication stay open as much as possible.
nemosmum
24-11-2005, 08:46
I think.. and it's just my opinion... that when they hit their teenage years, our kids are going to think we are the daggiest, oldest people in the world and that we have NO idea of their issues or what goes on amongst them and their friends. .
LOL DH talks all the time about how cool his going to be when O is a teen!
He reckons all the kids are gonna wanna hang out at our house coz of O's cool daddy LOL his dreaming :D Just becoz he was cool back in high school doesnt mean he will be in 14 years time, silly fool :p his already going grey um so not cool daddy O :eek:
lol lol, arent our men funny, they seem to have so much more trouble letting go of their youth then woman, and still insist that they are cool, way beyond when they are not!! :)
Cosmic, i too wonder how i will strike the right balance, whilst i wish them to feel that drug taking is unacceptable, i still want them to feel that they can come to me and discuss anything, being a mum is sooo hard!!!!
I had a chat to DH about this last night, and his view was the same as cosmics - if I say I havent done drugs, and they need information about it, theyre not going to come to me as they think I have no idea.
Its the risk I'm willing to take, I mean - my parents never did drugs, and I never felt the need to ask them about drugs.
Whilst I agree lying to your children is bad, I think it depends on what kind of lies you are telling. If you tell a small lie to possibly save them from something dangerous I think it is ok.
Surely if you tell your child that you have done drugs there is a possibility they wont leave it there - they will go on to ask what you have done, when, where and what the experience was like. You would have to be VERY careful with your answers or you could get yourself into hot water!
I think its a bit of a catch 22 for parents that have experimented with drugs. I want to warn my son of the risks but I certainly dont want to look like I know all about it and that I'm 'experienced', but I also dont want him to think that I dont know what I'm talking about.
Ana Gram
24-11-2005, 11:05
I never said I was trying to be a cool mum and brag about my drug taking experiences. I do believe that telling small white lies can be beneficial but I don't consider this to be a small white lie. Same way as I don't consider lying to my daughter about santa claus and easter bunny a small white lie. It is a major issue, it's not about being cool. If my daughter wants to try drugs, she is going to do it no matter what I say.
I also think threatening your child into not taking drugs is disgusting. This subjuct and the implication that I am any thing less than a responsible parent by some mebers has angered and upset me greatly. I honestly thought that this place could be different but sadly no, it is proving to be like most other mothers I have encountered and I am seriously considering not coming back
Hey Chellegoth,
I am sorry that you are angry and upset. I don't think the vast majority of people here would make any judgement about yours or my parenting. People are going to have differing views on child rearing - We are all sometimes a little tactless in putting our own view forward.
An interesting thought on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Funnily enough, I would have problems lying to my daughter about what I had actually done (and would not consider it a little white lie) but I would have no problem 'lying' about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (I think not anyway). I see those characters as childhood fantasy characters and part of fun makebelieve. Maybe another thread for acceptable childhood lies is in order!
No dont Chelle....some of us there need to hear it just like it is.
Your opinion is not invalid. I'm not even entering into this as it has already proved to be highly emotive and I cant be bothered having an argument.
The fact of the matter is we are never going to see eye to eye on this topic.
Its a social leper. Some of us want to ignore it...some of us want to show it's OK to be amongst the leper colony....some of us dont want to acknowledge they exist.
Dont be freaked by the different attitudes.
Just dont participate in this room if it has you completely flummoxed.
Sometimes you just cant say what you want to say...because people dont want to listen.
Stick around.
I like hearing your spin on things,
O's mom.
Irish Dad
24-11-2005, 11:25
Ok I'll admit my previous thread was wording wrongly and I can see why it was shut down but it wasn't meant to be a negative approach of being informative to our children about the dangers of drugs :eek: , just not a very well though out one. After reading the posts here I can honestly say that I wish my kids would stay kids for ever as the idea of them ever being exposed to drugs of any shape or form scares the holy s*** out of me. But the sad thing is that its gonna happen someday and I hope I deal with it as best I can when the time comes. I also agree that whatever experimenting we have done ourselfs its important not to seem like an expert as our kids are sure to think if daddy did it why can't I and thats bound to be bad. As a child my parents prefered that I drunk and smoked weed in their house under their supervision rather than in the park or be out stealing cars like others my age in my area. Now I think about it the idea of my kids doing that isn't what I'd like but I'd still like to think they could come to me no matter what trouble they were in and have a similar relationship with me as I had with my parents in my youth. Neither my parents smoked drank or took drugs, in fact my mother has 4 medical degrees and maybe thats why she wasn't too bothered by me smoking a few spliffs and an odd bottle of cider as long as thats all it was. In the early days it was but I sampled more as the years went on and theres no way I want my kids to go there as they may not be so lucky as to make it out the otherside in one piece. I'd like to think now that I'm a responsible parent and that I can set my kids a good example and be the best role model I can. When my parents ask me 'Daddy have you taken drugs' when they are an age I feel suitable for the subject to be discussed I will be honest but with emphasis on the dangers and downsides of drug use to ensure they stay clear of them. I once again apologise for accidently seeming to glamourise drug use in my previous thead, children are the most important thing in this world and we need to do everything we can to protest them against all the dangers life throws at them. Chelle I felt the same last night and I for one agree with you we need to be honest with our kids and protect them at the same time. :)
I agree. Stay, Chelle. I appreciate your perspective. ;)
Chelle please don't go!! :(
You give a great perspective on things and really make me think about stuff!
I would really like to take a stand somewhere in the middle. And I think your ideas really help people think about other ways to deal with topics such as this with their kids.
I really agree with KB, even though I seem to find it hard sometimes, if there are things that are really upsetting you try to avoid threads like this. I really hope you don't though as I love to hear what you have to say! :)
oh chelle, i am sorry if i am one of the people who upset you, but i never said anything about you being an iresponsible parent, and i think it was not very nice of the person/people that did. i too agree that it is wrong to try and scare your children out of doing anything, i like to think that my children respect, not fear me. we all love you here heaps, so please dont get upset because one person who knows nothing about you says something, or because some of us have slightly different views on raising our kids. it doesnt make your ways, or my ways, or whoevers ways wromg, just different. i know your a great mum, and ive got to know from your posts here that you love your little girl very very much, so dont let one issue upset you, imagine if i and some of the others had done that, we would have left long ago!!! :)
love ya
xx
Just straying from the drug topic for a few minutes....
I was thinking about the issue of lying to your kids about santa/easter bunny/the tooth fairy...
I once thought that I wouldnt bother with these things, but looking back on some memories of my childhood, those times were the happiest times - the excitement of a pile of money underneath the glass in exchange for my tooth, waiting for santa to come (constantly running out during the night to see if he had been), and finding easter eggs all over the house (even making rabbit tracks through the house and trying to convince my parents that he had been!)
I wouldnt want my child to miss out on those exciting experiences. And the funny thing is, you never even wonder why the stickers on the presents from santa are the same as the stickers on the presents from your parents, or that the writing is the same!!! I remember my parents feigning surprise when I received the present from santa that I had been wanting all year. And if it doesnt do anything else, it keeps kids behaving towards xmas!!!
I think it would be unfair to tell such a small child that these things arent real, because it can in turn spoil it for other kids that your children might meet along the way.
I say let them be kids and have their magical times during the year, and they will find out the truth all in good time. :)
Ffrenchknickers
24-11-2005, 13:04
I have done every drug under the sun in my youth (yes I kow that will shoch some of you lol!)- long story, bad situation, happy ending.....I hope to raise my kids very differently to how I was raised - my kids will be brought up with lots of supervision, love, parental involvement, trust and security and knowing our loving God and wanting to please him. I wont lie to them about what I have done in the past but I wont condone it either, I will be honest with them about the ramifications...I wont forbid it but I hope to bring them up so that they know themselves, are secure and dont need to mess with these things....yes, this is no guarantee but this is the best we can do. It doesnt make me a hypocrite, there is no way on earth that I want my kids to go through what I went through.
So, I wont lie to my kids about drugs and I wont lie to them about Santa and the Easter Bunny either. :)
BTW, Chelle, dont gooooooooooooooooooo! WE all have different opinions, none of them are right or wrong, just different!
Baby Girl
24-11-2005, 21:44
I just want to say that I agree with you Chellegoth. My partner and I would be hypocrits if we told our kids "DON'T DO DRUGS". We have the same thoughts as you when it comes to talking about it. I personally don't believe that it is a monkey see, monkey do behaviour.
If people were to be honest with themselves they would remember a lot of things (not necessarily taking drugs) they did as teenagers that their parents had simply told them not to do and therefore really went into it with their eyes closed.
If my girls come to me and ask about drugs (including alcohol and cigarettes) I will tell them honestly what I know about it. I am not going to glorify my experiences but tell them about the effects and repercussions (sp). If they want to try drugs I am not going to stop them because truly it would not stop a teenager just because Mum and Dad said NO. I fully intend to arm my children with the best weapon they can have when it comes to drugs, KNOWLEDGE!! If they choose to try them I will be there to tell them it is not ideal but I would give them a safe place to experiment in. I would prefer to know what my kids are doing and where they are doing it rather than get the dreaded 3am phonecall from the police or hospital.....
All that said, don't let the difference of opinions on this very heated topic let you leave the hub. I find it refreshing to read your honest opinions on things. Very few people, myself included, are totally honest on these forums just in case people think poorly of them - it seems to me that you didn't care what people thought of your own UNIQUE opinion until now. Please don't let yourself be silenced just because of a debate that will rage on, with or without you, because of the expectations of our society regarding this topic.
Ffrenchknickers
24-11-2005, 21:53
My parents NEVER talked about drugs, I mean never even mentioned it....and I wish they had. I found out through trying them all and then ending up in a really bad place. But I dont think its just that...I really believe that it comes down to self esteem...if youre strong enough in yourself and confident then you'll be less likely to need to go and do these things and way less likelly to get hooked if you do try. We hope that we (and for us, God) can raise our kids to be self aware and confident.....I am just saying this from my own personal experince, I was a very unconfident teen and always wanted to follow the crowd and fit in and be cool.
Mum2Tyla
24-11-2005, 22:14
Hi,
This is coming from a former drug addict, I had the best parents a child could ask for they were very open and honest and open with me about everything and I was the same with them, when I feel pregnant as a young teen the first person i told was my mother, my problem was that I had a hereditary skin conditon that shows up when you are about 12-13 years of age so I started getting teased at school, no boys would come near me and this continued into high school I had very low self esteem and was always looking for approval, I started shop lifting, kids liked me becasue I would steal stuff for them, i started smoking and hanging out with the wrong crowd I then went on to be a stripper and that is where I got into drugs my family was always there for me and I finally cleaned up my act and I went back to school and became a vet nurse which I have been doing for 10 years, I no longer smoke or do drugs, my brother was raised exactly the same as me and he never smoked, touched drugs or got into any trouble he was the opposite he was a nerd spending all his time in his room reading, the point i am trying to make is that you can be the best parent in the world and do all the right things and your children can still go down the wrong path, Love them, be honest with them and make them feel they can come to you, if it was'nt for my family I would probably be dead or a prostitute. I just want people to know sometimes your best is still not enough but if they know you are there hopefully they will wisen up and become your best frioend Like I am now with my parents.
Kelly
Wow Kelly.
A very poignant point.
Thanks for the reality check and sharing.
O's mom.
Love them, be honest with them and make them feel they can come to you, if it was'nt for my family I would probably be dead or a prostitute. I just want people to know sometimes your best is still not enough but if they know you are there hopefully they will wisen up and become your best frioend Like I am now with my parents.
Kelly
This is probably the best advice I've read on this thread. Thanks for that Kelly, your story really gives us some perspective on things.
E
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