View Full Version : How do you cope?
When your Dh/DP/DB goes away on deployment or course?
DH has been told that he will be going away on a 6 month deployment to the M/East this year, this will be the longest that he has ever been away for & I'm scared for him, nervous how I will cope without him & stressed about how this will affect his relationship with Liv :gloomy:
I want to be supportive & I know that this is his job but need advice on how best to get through.
My DP is currently 4.5 months into a 6/7 month deployment. This is our second one but by far the hardest. I dont want to scare you by telling you too much of my situation but i will help where I can.
The simple answer... you dont have a choice - you have to cope. Life for us still goes on. You will go through all the different stages. I was struggling quite a bit until about 2 months into it. I remember saying to a friend "i dont miss him anymore". That probably sounds harsh & I do miss him, its just that I realised I was getting on with it all & not pining for him. Thats not to say I wouldnt give anything for him to walk through the door right now, I think I just reached that acceptance stage. The last few months are as hard as the first few. You start to get over it all but time goes slower and slower.
Is he entitled to leave whilst he is deployed? Army guys get approx 10 days ROCL where they can come home. My DP chose to go to Rome so I havent seen him since September but usually you will see them sometime in the 6 months... Not sure if thats the same for Navy/RAAF tho so dont quote me on that.
How old is your daughter? My son is 13 months old & his dad has been away most of his life. He doesnt know him and Im not sure how he will cope when he comes home. I guess the only thing we have to do is not give up. Its not going to be all peaches when he first comes home & I think that is a trap alot of people fall into. The first couple of days are like a 'honeymoon' period then it usually turns to **** for a little while. You will be used to doing your thing, your ways and he will probably walk in wanting to pick up where he left.
It is a dangerous situation over there but you really cant worry about it. They are great at their jobs and are well prepared. If you do worry about it too much, you wont get through the deployment.
If there is anyway I can help, please let me know. Its tough & we dont get the credit we deserve but we are strong women :hugs:
Thanks Sharvs for your response, I know your right when you say that you just have to cope, the world cannot stop for you & also how you say that you no longer pine for him.
DH has been away before but just never for this amount of time nor to the M/East. I always find that for the first third I'm missing him desperately then the second third you kinda develop a rythm & a routine & the days pass easier but then by the last third I'm a wreck again, counting down the days & barely functioning.
Liv is 23 months so she will be 2 when he goes away & he is such a big part of her life, a very involved daddy, they have thier own activities & things that they do together for quality time. I worry about how she will cope with him not being here & how to explain to her that daddy is away but that he will be coming home some day soon, she's not going to have any idea of the time frame. How do I make sure his presence is felt by her even though he's no here?
DH will get leave at the halfway mark I think, is it hard for to have them home only for them to leave again in a couple of days?
My ex husband was in the army as was my father so I've lived in this environment all my life.
To be honest, for the most part I enjoyed my time alone. Granted, when my husband was being deployed we didn't have kids so I appreciate that makes things quite different. But it does get lonely and scary sometimes. I used to remind myself how exciting it was to get to do things for myself. And I used to try and set some kind of goal or target of something I wanted to do before he got back. One time it was to lose a certain amount of weight so when he got back, he'd be surprised. Another time it was designing and getting a tattoo (not for everyone I understand lol). For me, being occupied was the key.
I'd also strongly suggest making use of all the service available such as DCO and any spouses groups your husbands unit might have. It's often good to be with people who know how you feel.
The units will often hold deployment seminars proior to them going with tips on how to cope, the impact on children, what to expect while they're gone and when they come back (that bit is just as important!). I found that really helpful.
It really is a tough time sometimes but it doesn't have to be a negative one. And as sharvs said, at the end of the day, you just have to get on with it. :hugs: to you. I bet you find you cope better than you thought you would!
Hi, my hubby has been deployed so much I almost forget what he looks like,lol. I also have a daughter named Olivia. One of the things we've found really good for our girls is to have hubby tape himself reading some of their favourite books. You can do this either on a video camera or cassette tape for your daughter to watch. I have found that the girls instantly recognise hubby's voice on the tape. We also make scrap books with the girls detailing what they did at school or on the weekends and take lots of photos so that when hubby comes home they can sit and go through them with him. Your daughter might be a bit young for that one but you can do different things like make a scrapbook full of photos of your hubby both from home and if he can send them from the M/East. I find the defence online support groups really good for company especially at night when the girls are in bed. I find the nights hardest to deal with as thats when the loneliness sets in for me. There are lots of online defence support groups around. I manage one on Yahoo.au but there are also lots of NineMSN & a couple of Myspace. I got into pen palling whilst hubby was away last time and made lots of penpals to write to in my spare time so that I was always active and didn't have time to dwell on hubby being overseas. I hope these ideas are some help to you.
Olismum; I haven't heard of online support groups for defence, are they like forums & are they for partners or serving members?
I'm trying really hard to not let it get to me & keep telling myself that I'll be fine. I need to try to get myself together because I don't want him to worry about how we are coping at home.
I haven't let him see me cry but when my mind wonders, I get overwhelmed & emotional.
I'd love it if you could PM me the details on how I access any of these support groups.
P.S. We must have great taste, both having dd's called Olivia :D
Hi Brooke, I'll PM you the info this morning. There are alot of great online support groups around at the moment. I find them so much more accessable than the DCO morning teas, where I always feel a little uncomfortable, lol.
My husband is in the navy and was deployed to the gulf for 6 months last year. In hindsight I am relieved that we didnt have a child for his deployment. I coped by moving back to VIC (from our land posting in NSW) and stayed with family for the majority of the time.
I think I'm lucky, mine goes away for 2 weeks and then is home for 2 weeks, but we (as in me and the kids) love it when he goes and comes back!
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