Disiplining an 8yr old.

[jasminesmum]

I am having trouble with my 8yr old ds.

He won't do things when I ask.

This morning all I wanted him to do was clean his room before school. He has a few cars and yesterdays dirty clothes on the floor.

He wouldn't do it. I turned off the t.v. I have taken his playstation off him and hes not allowed to play on the computer after school.
He just doesn't care though.
He walked out the door and went to school without doing it still.

Its like this all the time. :banghead:

I can't seem to find anything that will work for him.:no:

[Elfin]

I can hear your pain:yes: I have to admit I do often resort to bribery:o But if I discipline my son I often ask him to set the punishment. He will say ok I will have no tuckshop that week or whatever. I find this really works well for my son and sometimes his discipline is stricter than mine:eek:

It may not work for your son but could be worth a try.

[jasminesmum]

Thanks. Anything is worth a try. :yes:

[sam's mum]

At the time that the punishment was getting issued my daughter would be very big on "I don't care" no matter how big I made it, but then later on would be sooo upset that she had this huge punishment. I would be upset because she would end up with a huge punishment, it still wouldn't be done and we would have had the big fight.

I backed it off to where I would say - if you haven't done X by a certain time the consequence will be Y. If she hadn't done it I wouldn't fight with her, I would just give her the consequence and give her a new time frame and new consequence. The consequences would be on top of each other, not instead.

It seemed to work a lot better, we both stayed calm which was a big benefit. In addition because the consequences weren't so huge they were easy to stick to and therefore she knew that she would have to serve them in full.

It didn't take effect straight away, in the short term she saw it as a bit of a win - Mum's not nagging and making me clean my room (or whatever), but in the long term (a week or so) she realised that there wasn't much left in her life.

The consequence would last until the task had been completed, that was an important thing too because then it was an incentive to get it done, and a built in reward for doing it.

[mumof three]

I backed it off to where I would say - if you haven't done X by a certain time the consequence will be Y. If she hadn't done it I wouldn't fight with her, I would just give her the consequence and give her a new time frame and new consequence. The consequences would be on top of each other, not instead.
.

Sounds good - can you give us an example?

I am trying to move to consequences more. We have been using a "star" system. Stars awarded for good behaviour, taken away for bad. Ultimately, a certain number of stars equalling a reward. The threat of losing a star is still the best way I have of gaining cooperation under pressure. But, as I say, I am trying to move to more "natural consequences". We still use time-out - mostly for fighting between the kids, which gives everyone time to cool down.

Interested to hear more...

[jasminesmum]

Sounds good - can you give us an example?

I am trying to move to consequences more. We have been using a "star" system. Stars awarded for good behaviour, taken away for bad. Ultimately, a certain number of stars equalling a reward. The threat of losing a star is still the best way I have of gaining cooperation under pressure. But, as I say, I am trying to move to more "natural consequences". We still use time-out - mostly for fighting between the kids, which gives everyone time to cool down.

Interested to hear more...


I would love to hear more too. Sounds like a great idea!

I have tried the reward chart with stars. It worked for awhile but then he just didn't care after a while if he got stars or not.
They sure are a challenge.:yes:

[Refresh]

Aww Jsmum:hugs: I can sooo relate to your post. I have had the worst day ever with my almost 7 year old - in exactly the same ways:(

I hope you get some good advice, there has been some great advice already given...I will be watching this thread closely.

I agree that what does work best (if anything is going to work :rolleyes:) is giving consequences strictly but without getting angry....today, that didn't work, however....

Good luck Jsmum! Hugs to you:hugs:

[sam's mum]

An example:

Her room often gets messy and so I break the jobs down.

Amelia, you need to get all of the books in your room back on your bookcase within the next hour or you will need to give me your gameboy.

I make sure that she has heard me by making her repeat it back to me. We then look at the time so that there can be no dispute over when the hour is up.

I don't keep on at her about it. Every so often I will remind her with - there is only half an hour left, how are you going? I don't mention the consequence again though.

If at the end of the hour she has done it I praise her for it. If she hasn't then I tell her that I am very sorry/sad but that she has to give me her gameboy. I will then tell her that she has one hour to clear the books from her room back on to the bookcase or she will not be able to watch tv.

Depending on the size of the job I will shorten the amount of time allowed to finish the task. So if it is five minute job she might only be given half an hour the second time.

The consequences I base on things that mean the most to her, but I really don't care if she misses out on. She loves to read (seriously loves it), but I wouldn't use loss of books as a consequence. She also has a bear that she has had since birth, I wouldn't use him as a consequence either.

Hope this helps.

[jasminesmum]

Aww Jsmum:hugs: I can sooo relate to your post. I have had the worst day ever with my almost 7 year old - in exactly the same ways:(

I hope you get some good advice, there has been some great advice already given...I will be watching this thread closely.

I agree that what does work best (if anything is going to work ) is giving consequences strictly but without getting angry....today, that didn't work, however....

Good luck Jsmum! Hugs to you:hugs:

Thanks Katie. The hardest part I think is trying to not get angry. They just keep on pushing and its so hard sometimes.
:hugs: to you too.

[jasminesmum]

An example:

Her room often gets messy and so I break the jobs down.

Amelia, you need to get all of the books in your room back on your bookcase within the next hour or you will need to give me your gameboy.

I make sure that she has heard me by making her repeat it back to me. We then look at the time so that there can be no dispute over when the hour is up.

I don't keep on at her about it. Every so often I will remind her with - there is only half an hour left, how are you going? I don't mention the consequence again though.

If at the end of the hour she has done it I praise her for it. If she hasn't then I tell her that I am very sorry/sad but that she has to give me her gameboy. I will then tell her that she has one hour to clear the books from her room back on to the bookcase or she will not be able to watch tv.

Depending on the size of the job I will shorten the amount of time allowed to finish the task. So if it is five minute job she might only be given half an hour the second time.

The consequences I base on things that mean the most to her, but I really don't care if she misses out on. She loves to read (seriously loves it), but I wouldn't use loss of books as a consequence. She also has a bear that she has had since birth, I wouldn't use him as a consequence either.

Hope this helps.

Thanks Sam's Mum. It sounds pretty good.
The thing I have trouble with is actually finding things he really likes to take off him. I don't want to stop him from playing cricket and thats about the only thing he really loves. Everything else just doesn't seem to worry him.

[Elfin]

This is why JM I get my son to set the punishment. He comes up with surprising things. Just make sure you follow it through.:)

[jasminesmum]

This is why JM I get my son to set the punishment. He comes up with surprising things. Just make sure you follow it through.:)

I will defiantely try that. I will be interested to see what he comes up with.

[Ashana]

I use something like a star chart but with a twist LOL.
DH and i bought a Nintendo DS (Because Mr 10 and Miss 5 wanted one). The kids get 30mins on the DS every monday just for being our kids then when they do something good we add min's to their time. If they fight or don't do as asked they lose time.

The 30mins on the monday is added to their ongoing tally, there has been times that they have both had 2hrs or more there but they are only allowed to use a max of 1hr time slot's at a time.

The reward for being good works well especially as it is not a set 5 min's ect for doing something but instead depending on how well they do the job without fighting with me or each other decides how much extra time they get, the same with taking time off. If they try to dispute about losing time they get more time taken.

I am not saying it always works but 85% of the time it is beautiful.

Hope this helps
Aimee

[2boysmama]

Ashana, I like the way you're thinking. Much more positive. I really believe in positive reinforcement for good behaviour, not negative reinforcement for bad behaviour.

Every time they ARE doing something good, praise or reward them (with a hug or smile) if it's everyday good behaviour, or with a treat they value if it's something wonderful that they've done or achieved (like buying them a book they really wanted, or letting them have a friend over, or making a cake together or by themselves etc).

When they refuse to pick up dirty clothes or toys, they need to have some benefit to them for doing it. At that age they are not thinking so much about mum's feelings or the good of the family. They are still self centred (egocentric). So encourage them to think of reasons why it would be good for them to have an uncluttered room. Then they are picking things up because they need to.

Worst thing is to make it into a war between the two of you. :banghead: Good luck. You've got lots of good ideas from everyone.